{c o u p} [Semper/Rook]

[rook]

{ m e l l o r c a r r u t h e r s }

"and what a golden opportunity this is..."

[/size]

i woke up
stronger than ever
driven by big waves of fire
to run and yell all the way
nothing can hurt me today

[/i][/right]

I don't be relyin' on others for support. That much has always been clear to those who know me. Yet I'm caught in a situation I never thought I would be, stuck in a world outside a world with no compass or map to tell me right from wrong. I don't know what day it is anymore, when I used to have a daily routine. The only routine I got now is eat, drink n' sleep. It's all changed so fast, and I don't like it one bit. No other way round it though, this be' the only answer to the big problem, so there ain't no point sulking 'bout it, just best to get on with my life.

It's clear now that no matter how much I want otherwise, I am gonna be relying on others, especially 'cause I'm all on my own now. Used to have Grandma, she was a sweet old thing, but even she came to an end. She was all I had left, no Ma', no Pa', no nothin’. Only Grandma, but she was old, and though wise, she couldn't hold on. We all die, and I'm used to grieving, what with my parents dying when I was around three, but still it hurt. She gave such good advice, she did. Like I just turned eighteen, but Grandma didn't see me as a man, she grounded me and made me be all respectful and saying that a man's not a man by age, but by his mind. Would she see me as a man now? Now that I’m out of it all.

Now I am alone.

Ain't really alone out here. Got the birds that chitter-chatter to each other high above me, saying things that I can only imagine. Got the crickets and the critters that chirp and chime through the woodland. Got the badgers and owls that lurk in dawn's thin shadows. Got no girl by my side nor is there a friendly face in miles. I miss it. I ain't lying, I really do. Sure it was unbearable at times, even to a point where I wanted to hurt the people who made our lives hell, make 'em squeal. Yet now it ain't so bad. This voyage into the unknown makes me scared, no doubt because I have no idea how this will go, or what will happen to me at the end of it, but I got no choice. I learned the truth and now questions need answering.

You ever stumble across something in your life and wish you didn't? That's how I feel. It's like there's a new fire burning inside of me. A secret I cannot possibly hope to understand, and yet it drives me, makes me want to dig, to discover. It's one of those things that you don't want to find out, but deep down you know you have to. Destiny, they call it. Lil’ Mellor Carruthers never was one to be something big, have a dream or be part of some destiny... Yet lil’ Mellor ain’t so lil’ anymore. He’s a man. He’s six foot three, built from labor and got a heap of sense about him now. Not a kid... A man, hopefully in the eyes of everyone. ‘Cause a boy don’t survive long as a wanderer, that’s for sure.

The past few days have been tough. Since leaving District Six, the weather’s gotten worse. Snowstorms and hailstorms and all kinds of storms been coming down without warning. Too many times have I found myself taking refuge in a cave or under a tree for several hours. I’ve always hated winter, this is one of the reasons. Can’t go back though, and even if I’m not always sure which direction I’m headed in, I have to keep moving. I have to get to the Capitol.

Y’see, that’s what this is all about. That’s why I left District Six. My Grandma, on her death bed she told me that I didn’t know the truth, that there was something she had covered up for years. She told me where to go, and who to ask for. Needless to say when I turned up at the ol’ research facility where my folks used to work, they turned me away. It was like they knew who I was, and that they didn’t want me poking around for answers. ‘Course this only made me hungrier for the truth, more relentless to find out what the hell is going on. So, I snuck in at night, went into that Mister Jah-hon-son’s room, dug into that cabinet that Grandma told me to. I don’t read too good, but I saw their faces. I saw the pictures of my parents. I also saw a word stamped over each of their profiles, a word in big red letters that covered the entire page like it defined them.

Capitol.

They ain’t dead. That scares me, it does. It’s like my whole life has been a lie. How long has Grandma known and not told me? It makes me angry to think that she kept this from me, but everything is for a reason, or so she used to say. Probably for my own good, so that I wouldn’t do what I’m doing right now – Going on some crazy goose chase, looking for them. I want answers. Why did they leave me? Why are they in the Capitol? Where does this leave me? Questions I fear will not be answered when I get there. Questions I find myself obsessing over at night time. Maybe I just want to see them. Maybe I miss them. I haven’t seen them since I was ‘bout three, so there’s not a lot I remember, yet I still know their faces when I see them. Grandma meant for me to do this, ‘else she wouldn’t have told me ‘bout it on her death bed. Right?

I’m on one of my silences. It’s been four days since I took my vow of silence, in respect for the Avox population of Panem. It’s a ritual thing that I’ve been doing for a few years now. My vows can last for weeks, maybe months at a time. This one is only a week though, and it don’t mean much anyway seeing as there’s no one out here. S’pose that if I come across any Peacekeepers and they ask me questions, my silence will just make them think I’m an Avox anyway. Won’t stop them killing me. Yet I enjoy my silence today. It allows me to think clearer, and enjoy the sounds of the winter forest.

I come out of my cave as the sun hangs low in the morning sky. It’s pretty, it’s dim glow making the sky glitter purple with the leftover light of the stars from the night before. Winter-y, is how I’d describe it. Fresh snow lies on the ground, my favorite kind. I feel the satisfying crunch of the compacted snow beneath the tough leather of my boots. I sling my rucksack over my well built shoulders, whilst my eyes search the spaces between the trees. Danger could be anywhere. This is my life now, like it or not.

My plan for today is to get to higher ground. From atop a hill or something, I can assess the best route to the Capitol. I know roughly the direction I have to head, but I can’t be certain unless I get a visual on the border of Six. I start pressing onwards up a large sloping hill that puts my legs to the test. Ripred, it's a lot of effort. Each step is a burning fire on lactic acid in my quads. My physical fitness is the only thing keeping me going besides the determination that fades with each growing day.

Fatigue sets in pretty quickly, and it’s not long before I slump against a black-bark tree, reaching for my metal flask to take a drink of lukewarm soup that I prepared. I ain't cut out for this. My eyes are tired and my face lashed with the icy wind. The soup takes my thoughts away from the climate and back to my ultimate goal of getting to the Capitol. The impossible task. All the while the winter woods around me echo my silence, like they too are being respectful during my religious vow for Avoxes everywhere.

i just can't recognize myself
tears of joy run over my face
my sensations reach the limit
nothing can hurt me today
living for a thrill

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text inner voice key thoughts personal dialogue words of others[/i]

notes: --

theme:[/color] 'Steve McQueen' - M83.[/color][/size]

---

[semper]

Colton fits snugly against my chest. Part of me still can’t believe that I’ve found him – I actually found him. He’s sound asleep, wrapped up in a tattered blanket that I found on the streets of some district, sniffing occasionally from a running nose.

When I found him, he didn’t know me; Lily’s dad, though, did. He snarled at me, pointing out that I “left” his daughter when I really didn’t. I’m an Avox, I don’t abandon the few friends I manage to make. And I especially don’t abandon my own flesh and blood. From what I understand, Lily’s dad left them and never came back. He shouldn’t be telling me about abandonment when he apparently never tried to find any of his kin. The man infuriated me as I tried reasoning with him – using just a notepad, mind you – about why I should be able to take Colton with me. I certainly had, and still have, my doubts about my ability to be a parent: I can’t speak so I can’t teach him how to. He knows a few words and sentences already (he knows what a “puppy” is and what sounds they make, and since I make similar sounds he’s begun to refer to me as “Puppy,” though sometimes it’s more like “Uppy”

[/color]) but that might be all he will ever know. The poor boy will struggle to communicate with others, and all he’ll know is how to make canine noises to fit situations – is this really the price I want to pay in order to raise my own son?[/color]

I look down at the little boy. There’s no doubt that I am terribly fond of him, so I had to be careful when I first took him away from his grandfather. Colton only remembered the grizzly old man as being his caretaker, so I had to make him warm up to me. I played some games with him; things like drawing in the dirt, sticking leaves in each other’s hair, using little twigs as antlers, etc. Eventually he was comfortable enough to smile, then giggle, then let me chase him around, and then hug. Oh that first hug was something.[/color] From then on he trusted me – young ones are so easily trusting, right? He then didn’t hesitate to take berries from my hand; sometimes when we were reduced to eating leaves, he would protest and I would whimper, which he found amusing, and then he ended up taking them and choking them down.

He trusts me and I won’t break that.

I shift my embrace on him, ruffling his hair with my mutilated hand. His hair is the same color as mine.[/color] So are his eyes. In fact, a lot of his physical appearance resembles mine – his personality resembles Lily more, though. All these unfortunate reminders of the one girl I can’t find.[/color] What would she say now that I have our son? Would she be happy? Or mad that I haven’t found her as well? I tried, Lily. I really did.[/color]

The sun is rising and that means we have to get a move on. Limited daylight in the winter, you know. I set Colton down very gently on the cave floor, making sure there’s at least one layer of cloth between his head and the stone. Getting up, I zip up my holey jacket and put on the backpack I stole borrowed from a district store (things have been just a little bit easier ever since the Capitol fitted me with a rather shabby-looking prosthetic hook just strapped tightly onto my wrist stub[/color]), clipping the buckles across my chest and abdomen to take the weight off my shoulders. I make sure to put a bag of berries in my pocket to split for breakfast when he wakes up. For a moment I consider waking him and packing away the blanket but the little guy needs his sleep, so I let him stay wrapped up in it. Looking around to make sure I packed everything and seeing nothing out of place, I turn back and gently pick up my boy, cradling him as he continues to sleep.

Luckily the snow isn’t all that deep, so traveling is much easier. Where am I even heading? Ten? Five?[/color] I had once again managed to sneak out of the Capitol so this taste of freedom is well enjoyed; no one bossing me around or anything. Not only that, but if I hadn’t managed to escape, who knows if I would have found Colton?

He stirs in my arms, his head resting against my shoulder. I make sure to hold tightly onto him, taking care with each step I make. I certainly don’t want to end up falling with him and getting him hurt. Even though I can still carry him, a broken limb or severe cut can be fatal out here. It was nothing short of a miracle when Jack found me out in the blizzard, frozen to the bone and riddled with frostbite, but Jack doesn’t know where I am anymore. He can’t come to my aid, nor Colton’s – hell, I don’t even know how far away we are from Ten. I found my way there once, can’t I do it again?[/color]

I pause to gather my sense of direction. I’m heading west, I believe – or so I assume since the sun is at my back. I turn to figure out the rest of the cardinal directions when something catches my eye not too far off. A person?[/color] It’s a human figure, no doubt, with a sack over their shoulder. They take a few more steps and then stop, sliding down against a tree and fiddling with something that’s shiny in the morning light. Curiously I step forward as quietly as crunching snow allows, creeping toward the person – no, man. About my age. He’s not skinny and frail like other wanderers… who is he?[/color] A newcomer to the woods, I would suspect, judging by his bulky build and non-weathered appearance. His clothes aren’t tattered like mine and he doesn’t have that musky forest scent about him either. He could be a Keeper.[/color]

Panic fills me almost instantly. If he’s a Keeper then he’ll take Colton away and leave me for dead. My bad is still healing from the public whipping in Ten and the bullet wound in my leg (did they ever remove the bullet?[/color]) luckily doesn’t slow me down. I don’t think I could outrun him, though; Colton’s weight would drag me down. But the man looks tired. Perhaps he has something I could trade something for?[/color] I have food – not much, but some – a blanket, a spare jacket, some thread, and a few other little items in my backpack. Nothing worth a good trade, but I figure it’s worth a shot.

Hiding behind a large boulder, I scrape off the layers of snow and leave just bare earth; setting Colton down gently, I pull out the extra jacket and wrap him up in it, pulling the hood over his face to block out the wind. I won’t be away from him for too long so I don’t worry about finding leaves or pine to insulate him, and if he wakes up and cries then I’ll be close enough to hear him. At the same time, though, if this man is a Keeper, then Colton will be out of harm’s way.

Cautiously I approach the man – who I’m starting to doubt is a Keeper – and make my presence known by emitting a low warning growl. One of the noises that makes Colton call me “Puppy.”[/color] I keep my eyes narrowed onto the man, warily watching his every move.

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[rook]

{ m e l l o r c a r r u t h e r s }

"and what a golden opportunity this is..."

[/size]

i woke up
stronger than ever
driven by big waves of fire
to run and yell all the way
nothing can hurt me today

[/i][/right]

It's real quiet out here, the most peaceful silence I have ever known. It ain't beautiful, nothin' good to look at much, but it's just... Silence. I think it's the wind, so gentle and calming. Like a lullaby it ushers through the valley, seeping between the trees and whistling in the cracks between rocks. It blows strings of snow from the ground, spiraling in distinct patterns that set my mind adrift. Never thought it'd be so relaxing out in no-man's land... I guess I thought it would be more wild.

Snow falls slight from above, but it don't look like snow, it's more like ash. It's like something's burning far away and these scattered remnants leave nothing but memories over the landscape. It's chilling, not just 'cause it's cold but because this place is so dead. Dead in a different way. It's like nothing's growing, even though I can see trees with bark as black as jet and thick flurries of pale green thickets brushed onto the white canvas, it's still not growing. It's like time has frozen this place, not the temperature. It's like a standstill, a constant winter. With no signs of civilization, it really is a land lost in time. I could stay here forever.

I sip the warm liquid from my metal flask. Watered down broth ain't the best for keeping you going, but it's warming and I'm grateful for that at least. I sure picked a lousy time to leave the District. Winter is dangerous, especially around Districts like Six, 'cause of where it's situated in the world. It's colder here than it is near the Capitol, so at least I can draw comfort from knowing that it's only gonna get warmer from here on. Only gonna get more dangerous, too. My soup's almost gone, which makes me sad a lil'. I'm going to have to search for food, I don't even know how to hunt or nothin'. It's worrying, I've only got a few more days supplies and then I'm really on my own. I just gotta hope I can get to the Capitol before I starve, but I don't even know how far away it is, or if I'm going in the right direction.

Should never have left. Grandma told me what she did so that I could find out who I was. She wanted me to do this, right? Else, why would she tell me? I feel angry again, because I don't like not knowing where my parents are or what's been going on my whole life. I deserve answers, just like anyone in this world.

I let my flask rest in the snow so I can take a moment to reflect. Was this the right move? Am I going in the right direction? What's my plan for getting into the Capitol? I see my breath cloud my vision, watching it wisp and disperse. I rub my red raw hands together in a desperate attempt to keep warm in this timeless wasteland, but it's as if all heat is gone from this place, rubbing hands won't change that. If I stay in one place too long, I'll freeze to death. I know the dangers of Hypothermia, I seen people lose toes in the winter back home.

That's when I hear the growl. It's like an animal, and a frenzy fills me real quick, making the blood rush to my head in a blinding sweat. My heart leaps to my mouth and I fall onto my side, snow scattering beneath my frantic hands. Ripred, that was the fright of my life. Any sound out here is much louder because it's so damn quiet. I swallow my panic and slowly rise to my feet, cautious of what is staring at me with eyes that bleed yellow warning and weathered skin that shows endurance. It's human alright, but it ain't far from something completely different. Feral is the word that I'd use. It's a man, or a boy, I can't tell. He's about three inches smaller than me and a damnsight thinner too. I'm not worried about him unless he's armed, which judging by his cautious yet threatening approach I doubt he is.

I go to speak, but stop myself from opening my mouth. This guy, out here in the woods, why is he out here? A wanderer too, no doubt, but he must have his reasons as I have mine. The growls of barbaric savagery are not aggressive and yet he has a sorry face and a pleading look in his eye. He's not speaking, he's growling. He's not speaking. Not speaking. Of course. I'm in the wilderness now, where Avoxes are aplenty. It's not exactly a haven for them out here, but it's better than how they get treated anywhere else, like they're slaves or something. Disgusting.

I can't speak, least of all to an Avox. I'm in the middle of my ritual silences, respect for Avoxes... So speaking at all, let alone to an actual Avox, would be a slap in the face to my beliefs. I can't speak, I won't speak, so I have to be an Avox, I have to be like him. So, I buck up my chest and stand to my full 6'3 height, towering over him. I growl back, louder than his soft purr, and with a little more vigor. I show him that whilst not as hardened as he obviously is, I'm no pup. I'm a Rottweiler.

I hold the growl for a few seconds, before silencing myself. Growling is okay, right? It's not speaking, and if an Avox can do it, then it ain't breaking the oath I set myself over a year ago. My noise subsides and my face relaxes again, my eyes still transfixed on the boy, who I decide is a boy due to his babyface and smaller frame. I don't trust him, Avox or not, I have to think about my own safety here. I assume he thinks the same of me, so I raise my hands above my head in a display of innocence - I show him I mean no harm. At least, I hope that's what he sees.

i just can't recognize myself
tears of joy run over my face
my sensations reach the limit
nothing can hurt me today
living for a thrill

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[/size][/color][/blockquote]

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text inner voice key thoughts personal dialogue words of others[/i]

notes: --

theme:[/color] 'Steve McQueen' - M83.[/color][/size]

---

[semper]

This boy is much bigger than I am. He obviously hasn’t been in the woods for very long; he doesn’t have that weathered, burdened, survivalist façade that wanderers have. He must be new to the wilderness. No person I know could look that healthy after months surviving off leaves and berries and constantly being on the move. It makes me a bit nostalgic, actually; thinking about the “before” time.

[/color] I hardly remember when I had an actual home and didn’t have to worry about when I would eat next; I hardly remember the smell of the orchards in spring when the blossoms were blooming and the bees were buzzing; I hardly remember climbing up trees and picking the fruit that belonged to the highest branch. I miss the life that this man probably came from – but why is he here? If he had such a good life as I had, why would he willingly leave that behind to face the untamed wild? I can’t figure out this boy’s motives.

He straightens up – the same way the dogs and wolves did when they were challenging one another[/color] – and from his chest comes a rumbling growl much stronger than the one I had presented him with. I quickly shrink down away from him, partly from my Avox instinct and partly from my fatherly instinct. My little boy is still sleeping soundlessly behind the tree and I don’t want to provoke this man; there’s no doubt in my mind that he could kill me right here, right now, and then where would I be? Or worse, where would Colton be? I can’t stand the thought of this stranger taking my son after all the years I’ve been searching for him. I take another step back toward the tree that is my boy’s shield.

But what’s even stranger is that this man doesn’t lash out. While he proved his dominance over me with a thundering growl, I’m still standing. I haven’t lost anymore limbs. Nothing’s been stolen. It’s just me and him, standing in the snow like a standoff. What does he want?[/color] I stand there silently watching him. He doesn’t make any sudden movements other than raising his hands above his head, palms empty. If he were a dog or wolf he’d be on his back, belly up and submissive.[/color] I’m starting to believe that he doesn’t mean me any harm and that’s a good thing obviously. Getting injured out in the woods can be severely life-threatening, and when you have someone else dependent on you then it could mean death for the both of you.

I don’t mean any harm to him either so I raise up my hands the same way he did, exposing the strange hook and my mutilated hand. When you’re an Avox it’s normal to be mangled and have pieces missing. Masters like to take whatever they can from their servant.[/color] I hope it doesn’t chase him away, though; you don’t see many people in the districts so anatomically messed up. But then again, I don’t know his background. I don’t know what he’s seen or what he’s used to, so maybe being gnarled is normal to him. Either way I still mean to convey that I, too, am harmless.

A small cry breaks the silence. I cast a quick backward glance at the tree, ready to just leap over there, and then I look back at the boy and take another step back. He’s not going to backstab me already, is he? Only a sick bastard would do that.[/color] My jaw tightens and I take another step. Colton’s certainly awake now: I can hear that he’s rustling the leaves around him and sniffling. A small whimper escapes me – I give a pleading look to the boy, hoping that he’d get the message: if you’re going to attack me please don’t do it now. Wait just a little bit longer.[/color] I then turn and quickly go over to and around the tree, finding Colton squirming underneath the extra jacket and crying. Kneeling down, I bend over and gently scoop him up, cradling him against my chest. He continues to cry until he recognizes me, then he curls up and buries his face into my jacket, clutching its material and – I think – softly murmuring Puppy. Like I’ve always done when he’s scared, I hum quietly to calm him down, kissing his cheek and smiling down at him. I’m here, little buddy. Don’t worry.[/color]
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[rook]

{ m e l l o r c a r r u t h e r s }

"and what a golden opportunity this is..."

[/size]

i woke up
stronger than ever
driven by big waves of fire
to run and yell all the way
nothing can hurt me today

[/i][/right]

He judges me, that Avox boy. I have always had a profound respect for Avoxes, they've been a huge part of my life since that day on the train... Yet this boy with his dark eyes and his permanent scowl, he’s different. For once I’m actually making sure that I’m being cautious. I may respect Avoxes but I can't be assuming that all Avoxes respect me. He's an individual, someone I need to assess without generalizin'. I can't assume that everyone without a tongue is a nice guy, or will be friendly toward me. This guy's had his trust and his faith cut out of him, he'll never put his life in someone else’s hands ever again. I'm a threat to him, even if I don’t want to be.

I stare at him with focused eyes, I try show him that I mean no harm by the fact that I’m not doing anything threatening. He raises his hands as I did mine to show he ain't dangerous neither. I weren't too worried about him as a danger anyway, 'cause he's half my size and I reckon I could knock him down before he got near me with a knife or the sort anyway. He's disfigured and hard to look at for too long without feeling rude. His hand has been replaced by some rusting metal hook device that can barely grip. He's missing a few fingers in the other and I spot scars here and there. He must have had a master or somethin'. Someone who hurt him. I seen Avoxes before, I know how they're treated by Capitol scum. I wonder who owned this guy, or if he served in the Capitol and escaped. I know that the main percentage of Avoxes are in the Capitol, but they are scattered through Two and One as well. Why did he run? Stupid question, he ran because his life was hell. If I were an Avox, and I like to think that sometimes I am, I’d want to run. Why d’you think that I’m in the forest now? Ain’t I runnin’ too?

I tried to stop a man from hittin’ his Avox on a train. That’s how all of this ritual shit started. I saw the look on the poor man’s face, not even a man, he was still a boy. His eyes were full of desperation and pleading, not too dissimilar from the guy standing in front of me now, ‘cept this new guy’s got a strange determination too. Anyway, this Capitol man was shouting and him over something, I don’t remember what as it were a few years back now, probably something to do with disobeyin’ him or not doing something quick enough or the like. It was somethin' that don’t matter. He was going to hit this lil’ Avox for whatever reason it was, but I stopped him. I was a train mechanic at the time and was fixin’ the spare boiler they had at the back o’ the carriages. They wanted two that could work in case one broke down. Anyways, I was headed to the front o’ the train to tell the man in charge I was finished. Turns out that instead I ended up punchin’ an orange-suited man who wore two ties and an expression of pure shock.

Sure I got in trouble, I got fired for one. Didn’t get Avoxinated, like the Capitol man said I would. No, it’s not like I’m a traitor or a murderer or anything like that. It’s then I realize that this boy in front of me, this boy with his mangled metal hand and his stubby fingers... This boy with his jet hair and dark eyes, he could be a murderer, a rapist, a traitor, a terrorist. All those things he could be. Avoxes are Avoxes for a reason. All these silences that I’ve been doing are against the repression of the Capitol, but there are always reasons for the Capitol to take action, sometimes harsh but sometimes justified. I don’t know this boys tale, nor will I ever know it I suspect, but what I do know is that he’s made some bad choices in his life.

I feel like if I avoid eye contact with him, I'm being rude, but likewise if I stare it's awkward too. The guy's probably desperate, and although that he's told me he is unarmed, I wouldn't put it past him to attack me with that hook-like hand of his, or even try to kill me. Desperate people do desperate things. I wonder if he’s hungry, how long it was since he ate last or why he’s even in the middle o’ nowhere. Most Avoxes settle somewhere, they don’t travel forever. Maybe he’s heading to the Capitol, like me. Maybe I can get help. Well hell, I can’t talk because it ain’t been two weeks since I started this silence and I got another four days to go yet. Communicating with an Avox would be hard anyways, but when we’re both silent, it’s even harder. My reading ain’t too good neither and I haven’t got any paper anyways.

Our long stare off is interrupted by the last thing that I expected to hear in the middle of the built up thicket of woodland – The cries of a child. A toddler, sounds like. he determined expression on the face of my Avox acquaintance turns to a sudden realization. His head darts over his shoulder to check, before his gaze transfixes on me again. He slowly backs away from me, holding that stare. I’m a little intimidated by him, to be honest, can’t really say why. He’s got a little child with him then, so it seems. Whether that makes him a pa’ or whether it’s his sibling remains to be seen, could be neither for all I know. He seems protective over the little one, that’s for sure.

It’s a boy, lil’ scruffy kid wrapped up in his protector’s jacket all snug. The Avox comforts him with some growling noises, which is a lil’ weird but what else can he do, y’know? The wailing stops and the boy seems to settle down a little to the relief of this strange creature. It’s weird seein’ the metal claw and disfigured features that could make him such a monster become this gentle fatherlike figure. Guess it ain’t nice to judge people on appearance.

I decide that it’s best to make him think that I’m an Avox too, so I remain silent. He doesn’t take his eyes off me though, so I can’t risk opening my mouth at all if I want him to think that I don’t have a tongue. Gotta stay silent too. It also might be good to find out where it is that he’s going, might be that he could help me, or we could help each other. It pains me to see a child out here. So, how do you earn trust when you can’t speak? Guess you have to stop thinkin’ and start doin’. I sling my backpack over my shoulder and stare at the few crummy nutri-bars that I have left at the bottom of my sack. I sigh through my nose and take one out. I don’t want to force him to take it, but I’d like to think of it as an offering of my peace. I drop my bag and walk slowly towards him, placing the processed, wrapped up chocolate on the floor a few feet away from him. I then back away to show him that it’s not a lure or a trap. I hold my hands in the air, as I did before, and retreat to my bag. I sit down with my back against a tree and watch.

C’mon. I’m on your side. Just wish I could tell you.

i just can't recognize myself
tears of joy run over my face
my sensations reach the limit
nothing can hurt me today
living for a thrill

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text inner voice key thoughts personal dialogue words of others[/i]

notes: --

theme:[/color] 'Steve McQueen' - M83.[/color][/size]

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[semper]

By now Colton has calmed down though his little hand is still clutching at the fabric of my jacket. His cheeks are rosy from the cold and I can only hope that he’s at least warm enough within the confines of the jacket. I quickly scan his short fingers and check for any sign of frostbite: there’s nothing, much to my relief. Just redness and a little purple tint underneath the nails. Securing him with one arm, I take my only hand and peel his tiny fingers off my jacket, circling my fingers around his hand. It’s not much I can do but every little bit counts, I guess.

I know the dangers of frostbite all too well. It was nothing but pure luck that Jack found me when I was trapped in that blizzard, curled up in a futile attempt to keep myself warm with my own body heat. I could barely walk alongside Jack as he led me to his house and let me tell you, I’ve never been so thankful for a fire in my entire life. My fingers fared awfully: I still remember the pained look on Mrs. Lexington’s face as she examined my hand, rubbing my fingers between hers. I felt nothing in just a few extremities and that was what scared her. The elderly woman certainly was no stranger to wounds considering she lived in the ranching district, where anything could happen. I’m sure she’s dealt with kicks, bites, stomps, broken bones, missing limbs, gorings, everything. She’s no doubt one of the best healers in the district (not just saying that cause she gave me a whole bottle of whiskey to purposefully get drunk) and I trusted her dealing with my frostbite. She saved my life, pretty much. Her and Jack both. If it weren’t for them then I would never have found Colton, never would’ve been able to hold him even if it’s awkwardly, never would’ve been given the chance to raise him, even if for a little bit.

Avoxes aren’t supposed to raise children. I can’t teach my own son to read, write, speak, anything. All I can teach is actions, memory through movements, drawing, which berries to eat, and very few hand signals. Even though Colton’s just a squeaking toddler, he’s deciphered me with ease. Perhaps it’s his innocence or even his obliviousness – or do toddlers and babes have a sense of understanding human emotions unhampered by the complexity of reality? Colton understands when I mean ‘yes’ and ‘no,’ he understands when to stay put and when to come to me or follow; unfortunately, though, those are the only things I’ll ever be able to teach him.

He looks up at me with those big brown eyes of his, a grin coming to his face. He’s actually got a few teeth now, enabling him to gnaw on things instead of just gumming. All I’ve been able to give him is berries but soon he’ll be able to enjoy other things like meat and leaves and honey.

I hear a rustling behind me, so I turn my head and see the silent stranger searching through his backpack. At first I brace myself, thinking that he’s searching for any sort of weapon that can take me out, and when he draws his arm out I tense up. He then drops the bag but I keep my eyes trained on his hand, seeing nothing that looks like a weapon. Whatever the object is in his hand, it’s far too small to cause any sort of damage unless he plans on shoving it down my throat and choking me. I still position myself protectively over Colton as the stranger nears us; he sets the little item down close to me and then backs away, holding his hands up once again.

My attention leaves him and quickly turns to the bar on the ground. What is it? It doesn’t look harmful at all. I hesitate to reach out for it, choosing instead to see what the stranger is doing again. He’s gone further back, sitting beside his bag and leaning against a tree. Definitely not a position that any attacker would take. My anxiety eases and I reach out, grabbing the little bar and slowly and somewhat awkwardly unwrapping it.

It’s brown, and the longer I keep my finger on it, the stickier it gets. I bring the bar to my nose and sniff, finding a welcoming sweet scent. My stomach lurches, that familiar hollow pain gnawing, and without a second thought I take a very small bite of it. It takes a moment but soon I can feel that it’s melted in my mouth; it’s a little hard to swallow since it’s a thick and slow liquid, so I tilt my head back until it drains to the back of my throat before swallowing. I can taste very faint traces of the same sweetness I smelled and it’s a delightful taste. Maybe this stranger isn’t a threat afterall.

I want to take another bite but I resist, wrapping it up and putting it in my little sack of other food items. I very gently set Colton down, then take out my little notepad and scrounge for a pencil, writing down a few things in awful chickenscratch: Thank you. My name is Devroux. The little one is Colton. I make sure Colton is snug and warm before standing up, taking the notepad and heading over to the stranger. I approach cautiously still, holding out the pad and pencil, just in case he wanted to write anything back. He hasn’t said a single word since we met – either he’s just shy, a mute, or he really is another Avox. I guess I’ll just have to wait to find out.

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[rook]

{ m e l l o r c a r r u t h e r s }

"and what a golden opportunity this is..."

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i woke up
stronger than ever
driven by big waves of fire
to run and yell all the way
nothing can hurt me today

[/i][/right]

I’m only just starting to realize how tired I really am. Been a long while since I got a decent night’s sleep. Two days I been out in the wild fending for myself, two days and one night. You’d think that my first night in the woods would be the roughest sleep, but it was the best sleep I’ve had in weeks. What with Nana’s passing and the things I learned back in Six, I’ve been restless for a while now. Thinkin’ back, I still don’t know if leaving was the best thing to do. I could have gotten more answers in Six. Only think I had to worry about were them Peacekeepers. They won’t let me back where my folks used to work, not after I broke in and turned up a couple of offices in the dead of night. S’pose I could’ve talked to people who knew ‘em, found out about them both. Mind you, the things they were doin’. If other people knew about that I’d bet they’d keep tight lipped about it. Certainly couldn’t tell the son of Ivanho and Anna Carruthers. People want to keep secrets from those most vulnerable to them.

Only place for me to go is the Capitol. That’s where they worked a lot of the time. They told me they were being dispatched to Seven or to Eight, nearby Districts, just for a few weeks. I’d stay with Nana, thinking nothin’ of it ‘cause I was just a little boy back them. Turns out they were in the Capitol doing their dirty work. It makes my stomach churn just to think of them, especially given the vows I took in their absence. I look now to the Avox across me, his eyes full of unforgotten hatred and helpless compassion. There’s strength in him. This has made him stronger no doubt. Less trusting, but stronger. The caution he shows before eating the granola bar shows this plainly. At least he’s eased up a little and seems more relaxed around me. Not relaxed... Accustomed would be a better word. I still don’t think he trusts me.

Now he’s got himself a pad and paper and he’s writing down somethin’. I feel a little awkward and a flush creeps up my neck bright red. I can read n’ right okay, I’m just not very good at it. The people at school had a word for it, but I don’t remember what it was. Disla- Disluu- Lex- I don’t know... It meant that my head doesn’t comprehend words and letters too well, which is fine if you’re a farmhand like me, but it’s not good in situations like this. Just because I have Diswhatever, doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I may not be bright but I got more common sense than most.

He hands me the paper and I spend half a minute trying to read it. Thank you. My eyes squint in concentration. My name is Devroux. As I read his name I almost say it aloud to pronounce it, but then I stop myself from opening my mouth, ‘cause I’m supposed to be an Avox for three more days. The little one is Colton. I nod at the wild boy in understanding. Devroux and Colton. Strange names, maybe from Two or Three at a guess, but I suppose mine is just as alien to them. I stare for a long while, trying to figure out what to write. In the end I keep it simple.

Mellor. Need to get to capitol.

I hand the pad back, hoping that I spelled everything right, used grammar and everything else (Chances are I haven’t). I now stare blankly at the disfigured Avox and his brother/son. Devroux and Colton. Their names are Devroux and Colton. I stay silent, ‘cause it’s what I’m best at.

i just can't recognize myself
tears of joy run over my face
my sensations reach the limit
nothing can hurt me today
living for a thrill

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text inner voice key thoughts personal dialogue words of others[/i]

notes: --

theme:[/color] 'Steve McQueen' - M83.[/color][/size]

---

[semper]

The stranger takes a while to write down a reply before handing the pad of paper back to me. Mellor. Need to get to capitol. The Capitol? Why there? My brows pull together in a questioning look.

I’m assuming that this Mellor is another Avox since he hasn’t spoken a single word ever since we met, and if that’s the case then why does he want to get to the Capitol of all places? That candy-colored place is hell for Avoxes – we are treated lesser than dirt there, ordered around and given punishments for even the slightest infraction. For me, though, the train ride there was much more treacherous than actually being there. On the train I was not given any food or water and so I arrived to my new master parched and nearly starved, but Luk treated me with respect. He gave me water and food, which I gobbled up eagerly. He never forced me to wear that ridiculous outfit nor did he just shove me in a little room. Luk took care of me and treated me like an equal to him. He did seem a little awkward around me but I had expected that, given he was my master and I his servant, but he listened to me, cooked for me, and did the greatest thing a master could do for their Avox: he set me free.

I can never repay Luk for what he did. He taught me that not every Capitolite is snobby and a monster (people like Luk are extremely rare there) but I was very lucky with who bought me. The other Avoxes were more than likely sold to your typical run-of-the-mill Capitolite and are still dealing with their crap at this very moment. None of them were as lucky as me that day.

Maybe…. maybe if I go back then I can find Luk and thank him again.

I look up at Mellor, still questioning his motive for wanting to go there but I purse my lips together, choosing to not ask anything else. Besides, it will be good to have some company for a while. I take the pencil and write back a reply.

I can take you there.

I can’t say I’m very excited to return to the crazy Capitol. I can’t say I’m sure Mellor has a good plan but he gave me food, proved that he was friendly, and so I can at least return the favor even if it’s just showing him the way. That would be shallow, though; I have time to travel with him and so I’ll do just that.

I leave Mellor with the pad and go back to where Colton is. He has his eyes closed and looks to be dozing again so I gently pick him up in his little jacket bundle, holding him close and securely against my chest before turning around. I look up through the tree canopies and spot the morning sun. Rises in the east, sets in the west. I motion with my head for Mellor to follow, turning my back to the sun and starting off in the general direction of the Capitol.

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