Winter is Coming // Marr

[Parks]

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I’ll show them all the very reasons to fear my name...

---

Winter is coming.

I walk along the dirt roads intertwined with my District, various things scattered across my tired brain. It is clear to me that a chill has set in the air, leaving our once warm summers far behind us. I kind of like the coldness of everything, it’s fitting., and it makes spring, with the overly pampered flowers and the leaves on the trees taking up all the room in the world, seem like such a drag, and summer with it’s scorching heat seem way too hot. Whenever I shift my head to the left or right, I see people bundled up in sweaters and such, and it yet another reminder that Winter is almost here. A light batch of snow has settled in, and it coats the ground delicately only to be crunched a moment later by someone’s boots. I too am wearing professional winter attire as I make my way to the market to get various supplies that my household is running low on, particularly miscellaneous things that my father has requested me to fetch for him.

At first, I am rather oblivious to my surroundings. I mean, I’m too busy marveling about the fact that winter is so close. But, I begin to notice people giving me odd stares, and I simply stop to wonder what in god’s name are they looking at. I am dressed just like them, for I am dressed in a scarf and light gray jacket with jeans, just as they are. I look just like them, for everyone shares somewhat of the same characteristics in the District they reside in. I also act just like them, I’m a snobby, uptight, arrogant b**** just like the lot of District Two should act. I mean, we’re one of the career districts. We’re the ones everyone hates and envies at the same time, (aside from One and Four, because they’re in this with us.) So then what is it? Why are they staring? It isn’t necessarily the adults who are giving me the peculiar stares, but more so the kids. Just then, I had come to the realization as to why they are acting so strange. A rumor had sprung up in school.

Apparently, I have made quite a name for myself after making Kyanite Ruze a fool of herself a few days ago, and good, because that means they know what she really is- a fool. (Although, as of late I have begun to second-guess myself.) Is she really that, or have I made her that in my head. Maybe she is in fact a loving person like everyone says she is. If that’s true, then what is she doing in District Two? This is kind of wear all of the jerks are. These are the thoughts that ponder on my mind as I reach the town square. Once more in the past few days Kyanite Ruze is the center of my attention, even if she isn’t here, she still is in a way.

With every exhale, I can see the warm air from the inside of my body react to the unsettling air waiting for it outside of my warmth, as it whirls in every direction until it is nothing but a faint memory. Is that what Kyanite is? Just a painful memory after I tore her down in the training center a few days ago. The thought had been haunting me since that day, though I would never tell anyone. I’m too arrogant to tell anyone. At least I can admit that I’m arrogant, but I hate myself every day for it. Every day I go back wondering and wishing I could have the personality of someone else, because maybe then I would actually appear to be likable, and not just some arrogant snob who wants to win the Hunger Games for my own personal benefit.

Upon entering the town square, I head to one of the only few merchants who happen to be open during Winter time. “Hello there,” I greet them in a rather friendly tone, a smile perched on my face. “I need a set of paper, a ruler, and...” the list goes on and on as I tell the merchant everything that is needed from him before proceeding to pay him upfront. It was a simple and efficient process, and now I shall be on my way home in no time.

Well that was rather easy... I think as I turn around, only to see her standing there, only a few feet away from me. I don’t think she has noticed me yet, but she will at any moment. I must flee- but it is too late. She has already seen me, and the mouse has fallen for the bait. I guess I spoke too soon, this won’t be easy at all...

“Hello Kyanite.”

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[atrb=background,http://i1278.photobucket.com/albums/y510/LaSaundra_Kiser/bwback_zpsee32aa90.jpg] A few days ago, I experienced the worst scene in front of a public audience I have ever had to endure in quite some time. Actually, the last time I had been that pissed and hurt was by this guy named Jins, when I was twelve, and that's when he crushed my hand between the ground and the hilt of his sword. There's a reason why I hate sword play and Ashton just made me relive why that is so. It is never taken lightly and it's never done so with honor. This is the second time in my life that I had seriously considered hunting someone down and making them pay for what they done to me, but I can never hold a grudge for long in that sense. Yes, I'd make him pay, but I gave up on the idea to track him down. Instead, I resolve to be a lady and take him down the right way in a rematch when the time called for it. As for now, my nose had finally receeded back from the swelling. The bruising very light and covered with makeup to the point that it's hardly noticable. My father on the other hand, was extremely angered by with what happened, and that anger was only directed to me. My brother tended to my face for the first thirty minutes, but my father is the one that holds the grudges. He's the one that I will get the harsh training from. I dread it so much. What you do in battles and spars comes back on this family in a very serious matter, Kyanite. How could you have let that happen to you? Disappointing. I'm outraged. Kyanite... you need more training. You WILL train harder with that weapon. I will not allow my daughter, of all people, to be shown up like that. I don't care how it was done. I don't care if you say he took a cheap shot. You think the kids you fight in the games are going to show you any mercy? NO! Now, get out of my face. His rant still comes to my mind as I walk down the street in this frigid weather. My face exibiting a harsh stare toward the ground. All I can think about is that my life is nothing but full of pain and words. Both of which I take without letting it sink me into the ground. My heart is too hard for that. To let things like that mold me into someone who is soft or that will cry. I've been taught early on that tears are weakness, but not everyone is too strong that they don't shed when alone. To expell the fire from my eyes will be a rarity for anyone to see. I grimace as I walk further until someone bumps me, but apologizes profusely then continues on their way. The sudden mental distraction drags me out of my thoughts enough to really see what's going on around me. My eyes start scanning the area in the general direction that I walk. I take note of the decorations that are spaced out. The heavy coats that the people wear and the snow underfoot that makes me wish for a normal childhood where I would want to bend down and play with the collection of flakes. The winter celebration is just around the corner, but still it linger far enough. The chilling weather makes it hard on my body. I hate the cold. I hate the way I have to cover up so much just to keep the icy winds off my arms and face. I can't stand to shiver and I would prefer the heat to anything right now when I head to one of the few stores that are open at this time of day and season. I wrap my arms up into my body, my skin prickling with goosebumps from the cold. "Just got to get a few things, then be back on my way home... " I tell myself, experiencing the icy air to enter my lungs, instantly making me cough. It stops abruptly and I enter this little store and let, what little warmpth is in here, warm my cheeks. I stuff my hands in my pockets for only a few moments before my eyes connect with the one person that I can't ultimately stand. The guy that has gotten me into so much trouble with my father that as he looks at me, I glare at him. Hello Kyanite. I nod to him but I can't say that I'm all too pleased by seeing him. My reaction is all too telling that I'm still upset with him. I push past him, letting my arm harshly graze his arm as I walk further into the store, trying to dodge another person. I chose to ignore him and head straight for the line at the counter to see about getting my needed items.

[Parks]

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I’ll show them all the very reasons to fear my name...

---

Why?

Why was she treating me this harshly? That was the question that scraped my mind as Kyanite, the girl I thought I hated abruptly passed me by. I mean, obviously I know why, but I still wondered. I still wondered in detail what had happened between us, to shift a rivalry into utter, mutual hatred. Why can’t I just fix things, and make it right between us? Was it even possible, or was our already complex relationship shattered that day in the gym, and any hope of redemption lost? The answer is pretty clear, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to try and fix it. It was as if I had an abrupt change in heart, and I pretty much had. Obviously what I did was wrong, but me being the stubborn person I am, won’t take no for an answer as I try to set things straight. But how would I set it straight? How would I even be able to admit to her that I am the one to blame for this mess we’ve been put in? This is what flashes in my mind as I see her standing there, just a few feet in front of me, and for just one moment, a mere second, our eyes meet. I can’t tell if it is a look of friendship or that of hate.

I’m sorry.

Those words, those two words could mean the difference to everything. They could turn out relationship 180 degrees, and maybe we could actually try being friends. But it’s all just a ruse. Something that would never happen. I’m too stubborn, too arrogant, and most of all... too unlikable for it to work, and I’ll never be able to show for anything else. Did I even want to win the games and go on to glory? I was just be showing a wider set of people how obnoxious I am. I’d make a fool out of myself, just as my ancestors did sixty-five years ago, except there wouldn’t be bloodshed and warfare on a massive scale. No, just a small little boy showing the world how much of a prick he really is, and how he doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

I really am sorry, you know.

The snow is falling down lightly, as it had been since last night. The clouds are a moody gray, and it’s almost as if the weather has set the tone for all of the built up emotions flooding inside of me right now. I don’t know what to say to the girl I’ve disrespected for months, now. There isn’t really anything to say. I could live a thousand lives and still not deserve her. Not as a friend, a rival, or even anything more. All I have ever done since we met was disrespect her, treat her like she was nothing. I wish she would realize how wrong I was. I just wish we could start over, and I just hope that as she stares at me she can see the hurt in my eyes- because god I can sure see the hurt in hers.

I don’t deserve you.

Suddenly, she takes a step towards me, and I feel my body tense as I see her move. I’m not sure what to do, so I just stand still. She looks beautiful out here, and I actually think about what it would be like to be something more with her as I see her walking towards me. What is wrong with me? I treat her horribly, make her feel like nothing, and then all of a sudden I have a little crush on her? Something is wrong with me, I am not convinced that that is true as I see her walking towards me. For a moment as I look into her eyes I feel as if she is about to hit me, knock me towards the ground. She should, because I sure as hell deserve it. She is flawless, beautiful, mesmerizing, and then I come to the realization that I made a girl so perfect feel so imperfect, and I begin to really hate myself.

Can we please just start over?

Just when she is about to walk into me for she is so close, she brushes me to the side. At first, I am shocked being the arrogant punk I am, but then I begin to really feel hurt, (which is weird because I never feel hurt.) It was almost as if I wasn’t even there, and that we had never even met and I was just some stranger on the street. I didn’t want to be some stranger on the street, and I didn’t want to be her rival, and I didn’t want her to hate me. So as she walked by me I feel a sense of courage, a sense of wrong-doing, and just about fifty thousand other emotions, all racing inside of me. Instinctively, I grab Kyanite’s arm, stopping her in the middle of her tracks.

My voice is weak, and it sounds like I am cracking under the pressure as I begin to speak. “I- I’m sorry.”

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[atrb=background,http://i1278.photobucket.com/albums/y510/LaSaundra_Kiser/bwback_zpsee32aa90.jpg] Her eyes are the windows into her soul and you just screwed it up. Again. My thoughts run so deeply the moment I saw him. I thought at one point, before our bitter rivalry began, that I might have some sort of 'thing' for him. That there might have been something in my heart that liked the way he treated me but that quickly disappated when he suddenly became harsh. Annoying. Utterly conceited in training. It was everything I hated about a guy and I didn't take that lightly. There are reasons that I am hardhearted. There are reasons that I feel as though I am worthless in the eyes of a guy. I'm often shown how that is so, by the voice of one and the action of many. How am I to really think different when I'm only shown one way? One direction that my life is thrust into day in and day out? Jins came to visit me last night on my walk home after training. Even though it was light out when my feet scurried across the frostbitten ground, it never is enough that he doesn't seem to want to ruin any chances of happiness for me. Any good days that I have, will ultimately change. It's like this weird beakon or something. He can sense it and then show up at the most awful of times. Last night, I got his voice; his rough tone. His degrading terminology that penetrated my mind. I've learned to let it linger no more than a second, but sometimes the words seem to haunt me even though I try to forget them. Worthless little B*****. Saw that guy hit you. Feel good? Better than what I did? I ignored him. I kept walking, but the mark on my back is just another sign that he thinks I don't have feelings; to live with anger everyday is weakness. I choose to let it hide in the recesses of my mind until I'm able to express it to the right person. The right moment. I just hope it isn't too late when that happens, cause I'm not sure whether it'll be good or bad on my part; or his. What do you freaking want, Ashton? Here to make my life a living nightmare as well? You want to take that deal and use it to leave marks on my skin like him? Is that going to be your wish? I ask myself in a tone that I wish would slip out to him. Words that I would ultimately love to hear him react to. I want to see the stunned look on his face and be able to let my mouth burn his ears away with what I have to say to him. Of course, my voice is never found when I truely need it to. Right now, is one of those times as I stare at Ashton with hatred. My eyes portraying the emotions that I'm sure he can see. Who needs words when a woman's eyes are more jagged than a knife? I push past him, letting my arm hit his in the process. I want nothing more than just get my things and get out of here. Ashton is the last person I want to talk to right now and I hope he gets that vibe from me, but the moment that I try to pass him by, he grabs my arm. It's a simple gesture. The touch isn't harsh, but as many times as I had someone grab my arm, it always ended up with more pain. Instintively, my eyes slam shut for the briefest of moments and I find myself jerking my arm out of his grasp. That's when I hear him apologize to me. The words that come out in studder at first. Words I've never heard before from someone that had just recently took a physical hit against me with such force. I stop dead in my tracks to hear that word. Sorry. What does it truely mean though? Is it empty? Is it full? What is his meaning behind it and does he really mean that? I feel something burn in my throat for the longest time that I stand there and put a hand to my arm where his fingers were just placed. Don't stay, Kyanite... just walk away. He doesn't mean it. He's just toying with you again. Waiting for the moment you let your guard down and accept it. He'll prove to you that your weak. Stay strong. Don't talk to him. Don't say anything. I never seem to listen to my inner voice when I need to. Instead, I find myself turning around to meet him with a soft look in my eyes. "You know... it would have been better to hear that when you busted my face. Instead, you made me into the laughing stock of everyone there. Cheap shot, Ashton. Low." I coat those words with a bit of fire. They seem to burn through my throat as I lash out at the boy. "I should thank you though... at least I'm being forced to train harder now. More hours. Less sleep. My father was all too pleased to hear how his daughter was one uped by you, but I guess you could really care less, right? I'm sorry? Please..." I feel like hitting him. I feel like leaving him right then and there, but instead of either choice, I want to see what he'll say to me. I fold my arms up into my body and wait. Do I really want to hear what he has to say to that?

[Parks]

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I’ll show them all the very reasons to fear my name...

---

As I stood there in front of Kyanite, I wanted to throw up. How would that help the situation, though? Hey sorry I threw up all over you and ruined your clothes. And I’m sorry about being a jerk and breaking your nose. Also, I’m sorry about pissing your father off. But even though that was only three days ago let’s put it behind us! Give me a break, now I could see where Kya was coming from. But, I could also see where I was coming from. I made a few mistakes, and I wanted to take them back. I wanted to be her friend. I feel like we have reached the turning point in our friendship, and we are at that stage where I actually have a chance to make things right. At least that’s what I tell myself.

For a moment time had slowed down, and it felt like an eternity when I had grasped Kyanite’s arm firmly. It wasn’t aggressive, in fact it was rather gentle. It was almost like someone approaching a wounded animal to deal the killing blow, except for the fact that I wouldn’t be giving out anymore blows to her. I was done with that, because for the past few days I have had an eye opening experience. Kyanite has opened my eyes, she is starting to expose the inner me, and maybe the inner me is actually likable, dare I say.

As I stood there, my hand locked around her arm, I found it rather hard to let the words flow from my mouth. After all, it wasn’t as if I was used to apologizing to people. What was I supposed to say, and how was I supposed to say it? As soon as the words had come out I felt like I was making a fool of myself. I had stuttered, my hand was sweaty with anticipation, and all in all I was still the jerk I used to be/ At least for the time being. But even if I had made a fool of myself, I felt as though I got the message across pretty clearly, and that she had taken it well. I guess I was wrong though, way wrong. For it was then she yanked her arm away, leaving my hand in the air by itself- hanging there, just as I had left her hanging.

“You know... it would have been better to hear that when you busted my face. Instead, you made me into the laughing stock of everyone there. Cheap shot, Ashton. Low.” As soon as the words left her mouth I found my jaw open slightly. I wasn’t sure how I wanted her reaction to my apology to go, but not like this. Oh god, not like this. A part of me feels hurt that she took my jokes and laughter to heart, and a part of me is actually blaming her right now, but she has nothing to blame. I was the one who offered to spar with her, and we both know I only offered because I knew it would be a great chance to make her look like a fool, but god if I could redo it I would. Sometimes I forget how powerful I can be with my words, and how I can really manipulate my actions to knock people down. So here I stand, shaking in my boots as I brace for what has been coming to me for a long time. And if those few seconds of her mere words weren’t enough to devastate me entirely, she sealed the killing blow with another bit.

“I should thank you though... at least I’m being forced to train harder now. More hours. Less sleep. My father was all too pleased to hear how his daughter was one uped by you, but I guess you could really care less, right? I’m sorry? Please...” The words were like venom, and for a moment I actually considered leaving. It’s what she wanted, right? She wanted me to go away, go home and just shrivel into a corner. I couldn’t do that, though? She deserved a real apology, she deserved everything I could give her. She was the most beautiful girl in the world, and I had treated her so poorly. God, I’m an idiot.

An awkward silence engulfs the room, and I realize the merchant is staring at us with his kind eyes. For a moment as I look from Kyanite to him, I think I can see the sympathy reflected on his face, but who is it for? Is it for Kyanite, the girl I abused in the training center, or me? Who is getting what he deserved.

“No, I am sorry.” I don’t really remember what happened next, exactly, but the words flowed out of my mouth like water. They were slippery, yet true. Stern, yet true. I just hope she knew the essence of how true my words really were. “If I could take it all back, I would. If I could throw away all of the hurt and neglect I have given you, I would. If I could do anything to make you forgive me, I would. I want to be your friend, but I could live a thousand lives and still not deserve you. I could be a thousand of Panem’s greatest men and I would still be unworthy. I treated you wrong, and I hate myself for it. I hope you know I’m telling the truth, because god I care for you Kyanite. Please...” My voice trailed off, and I found myself grabbing her arm again and gently pulling her towards me. I don’t know what I wanted right now, whether I wanted to be just friends or something more. All I knew was that I didn’t want to hate her, and I didn’t want her to hate me.

“Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

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[atrb=background,http://i1278.photobucket.com/albums/y510/LaSaundra_Kiser/bwback_zpsee32aa90.jpg] I'm sorry... Those words still linger in my head. His broken voice that tries to tell me what he should have said the day he busted my nose. Made the crimson blood flow readily down over my lip. Made me the laughing stock of the crowd that dispersed shortly after my defeat that day. Not one single person even offered to help me after he set forth those actions as if to prove that he was better than me. To make me look like a fool. To show me up in front of every guy there that I worked so hard to show them I wasn't just a girl. I was an opponent. I was a feirce person that was going to be tribute one day. I had spent years developing my own personal form of safety and it seemed to all be wasted in just one spar; because of this guy. My Ashton. My own personal form of friend turned opponent. Yes. We've known each other since we were young. Even played together in school, but then something changed with us. Some how, we developed this annoying habit against each other and grew apart into where we are now. With him standing in front of me in this little shop. He was trying to apologize, even though it didn't sound that way to me. His voice cracking under the pressure like it was killing him to say it. Almost like he was just doing it once again to make a scene in front of everyone. Hatred seemed to engulf my form since the other day for him like never before. Since I had to tend to my own wounds and pounding headache. Do you not realize you almost gave me a concussion from the hit. When you smashed the handle of the sword into my face and I fell, hitting my head on the mat? Twice, my head hit the mat. Twice, you tried to take me down. I didn't need a third, obviously because I couldn't even see straight enough to get up from being hit the second time. And you mouth... You're words that berated my ears. You're snide comments. You're inflated ego at my expense. You still anger me. I stand there as he tries to make right, what he had wronged and a part of me didn't even want to indulge him with the acceptance of his half-assed apology. What good would it do? The actions he took against me, using a cheap shot with the hilt of the sword, had broken not only my nose, but any hope I had for him and I. Any chance of being anything more more than just bitter rivals seemed to float away into this dream I once had. The silence that takes over the entire room screams at me in such a deafening tone that I want to cover my ears or yell. Something to break the silence, but in a store full of people. Why, they would think he was hurting me. Then again, he did and still is with the way he just stands there looking at me like he's fixing to be real sorry when I walk out on him. Then it happens. His mouth opens again and out pours this beautiful, heartfelt apology and with each word, it seemed to break this shell around my hardened heart that I had created because of him the other day. The shell that made me feel nothing for him at all. I treated you wrong, and I hate myself for it. That phrase sticks in my head for only a moment before the next thing comes from his mouth and I find myself blushing. My cheeks grow this faint shade of pink. He cares for me? He cares... for me? Why? After that latest display in the gym, he says he cares for me now? What is his ploy? What is his thinking in this? He couldn't care less when he was sparring with me and decided to bust my nose. He wasn't caring at all when he left me laying there bleeding for the crowd to snicker and point at me and make me suffer the wrath of my own father. Caring for me... why? I can't forgive so easily... I just can't. It's not in my nature, but Ashton, why do you have to be this way? Whose to say you won't go back to our bitter rivalry after this? Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? I look at him with intensity and fear. I get this sudden feeling as though someone is watching me, all the people have heard. The guy behind the counter has this gentle nature in his dark hazel eyes and I want to know what to say? How do you respond to an apology like that? Will it not make me seem weak in order to do so? What will come from all of this if I do. "Ashton... don't..." I start. Don't what? Apologize for the past that has already dealt with it's punishment. Don't go any further because I'm not sure if I'm ready for anything between us right now? I take a deep breath. "... don't think that makes what you did go away. Everyone still remembers what you did. I don't know what to say." I cross my arms up in front of me, and that's when I feel him grab my arm again. His touch was gentle. Soft. He pulls me closer to him and I let him because this touch that he is displaying shows me something about him I was wanting. Friendship? Maybe something more later on if it came to that? I feel this wetness pooling behind my eyelids wanting to show up, but I have to remind myself that tears are a sign of weakness. I hold them back. But, I can't just simply 'forgive' him for what pain he caused me for the last few days. Though, to start over is enticing. It makes me want to accept his apology because to have one more person in my life that makes me feel this bad is going to tear me down. I won't be able to handle that. So, with a small spot in my heart that had broken through the shell, I drop my head a little before looking back at him. "Promise me, you won't do that do me again. You won't leave me stranded like that again." I tell him. I want to say that the whole ordeal is bad enough, but for him to add insult to injury by walking out on me to endure that emotional pain was enough to put me further down into the darkness. I stand there with his hand on my arm and I let go of all the people staring at me. Right now, it's only me and him. Friendship hanging in the balance of things. With the most unusual words I've ever said before in my life, I come out with a reply. "I... forgive you, Ashton." There's this sudden drop in my voice though. As though, I wanted him and only him to listen. A secret between me and him and not for the nosey people that have taken to slowing down when they get near us. I have no clue what to do now. Do we hug? Go our seperate ways? What am I suppose to do?