Another night [Nytestar]

[kousei ♚]

It had been the usual day for me but for some reason it had been so tiring as usual. I don't know why but I just felt so tired despite not doing anything whatsoever today, I spend most of the day roaming around the house, taking whatever food I could find to feed myself and then trudging back up to my room and eating it in my room, I spend most of my time in my room but then again most of the time was sleeping. I really couldn't be bothered to do much stuff around the house, I didn't even bother cleaning because I simply couldn't be bothered (yea, yea call me lazy) I was too tired. So I mostly didn't bother doing much around the house, I could but I just didn't.

So the day went by, the long tedious day in which I did almost nothing I found myself sitting on our ragged and torn up sofa. I was simply reading a book, it wasn't a big book but it was a simple book to pass the time. Because I find working is too hard I need something to pass the time with sometimes and I dunno reading just happens to help, it's so interesting, and doing nothing all day would be quite boring.

It's quite dark now, it's night time, everyone will either be asleep here or asleep somewhere else or out (I don't know who would be out at this time but okay) they could be doing anything. All of us Bison's are special and unique, we all have our own different interest and they can be as messed up and strange as they are but either way they're still family and if their last name is Bison then they're alright with me pretty much but I would really prefer it if there wasn't some drunken person - or people- stumbling in through the door and interrupting the last quiet time I have before I fall asleep.

Come on Lloyd stay awake, just finish these last few pages. My vision is blurry as my eyes open and close repeatedly, a few seconds of darkness followed by me shouting and my lips smacking against each other and my eyes fluttering in a vain attempt to not let sleep catch me in it's tempting and very welcoming clutches. Once again I am overtaken by a few seconds of overwhelming blackness and then shaken out of it by my eyes fluttering and my lips smacking against each other, my blue eyes stare wide eyed at the ceiling and the hardback book splayed across my chest. And then I fall asleep once more...

Creek! BANG! BANG!

I am awoken quickly a loud scream and the book fall my book and I look around. How long was I asleep for? My speech is slightly slurred and concentration as I look around hazily and slowly. "Wh-who's there?" I ask as I get myself to sit up and rub my eyes. Great, someone actually comes in at a time like this. Un fucking believable.


(OOC: Sorry this post sucks, first time threading with him. I swear my posts will get better.)

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[[nyte]]

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Another night. Stumbling drunkenly home. Another night. Of empty love. Another night. Drowning the pain with booze. I'm fucking sick of it.
And I can't get enough.

I'm an addict to addiction. Hopelessly lost in a paradox, trapped in my own need to dull the pain and to break the numbness. It's all so confusing. I can't change it. Can't control it. And I just keep trying to make sense of utter madness. I want more than anything just to accept what I am, to stop this. I don't want this anymore.

Too fucking bad

Bitterness overtakes my self-pity. I got myself mixed up in this. There was no getting out. I let out a sigh, taking a last swig from a bottle before leaving it to shatter in the district's streets. The warmth spreads through my body. A sort of fuzz covers my mind for a single second. I can't think of anything. I don't feel anything. Peace.

But it's fake. It's not real peace, but something made by man to give such an illusion. I can't have peace. I don't deserve it. I should be home soon, but who the hell knows? I'm so drunk I couldn't tell. I'll find my way eventually. I always do.

Who was home? I wonder. Was anyone still awake? They'd better not be or I'd have to get their asses in bed. Do as I say, not as I do. Family means a helluva lot to me. I care about em' even the annoying ones. I finally get to the small home. It's not much, it's all I have. Is that sad? Probably.

I try to open the door quietly. That doesn't work. The door slams against the wall and I trip over the doorway.

Oops

"Wh-who's there?"

Was that Lloyd? Why was he up? Now that was the last thing I expected.

"Relax. It's just me."

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[kousei ♚]

It's clear that she's so damn drunk. Her name is Velvet, she moved in around the same time as me so I know her kind of, she's family and all and I know most of the family because I'm just like that. But I never knew she was a drinker so I'm kind of surprised to see her this drunk but there is also a hint of annoyance mixed in with this emotion because she's coming in at such a freaking late time. I watch her with a neutral expression as she slams the door in the doorway and flops on her front and I roll my still sleepy eyes and slowly slide off the couch, so I don't startle her.

Ugh why would she walk in drunk at this time? It's probably the morning! "Relax, it's just me." She says so drunkenly. Well I guess it could be worse. She could have a boy or a girl walking through the doorway with her. If it came to that then I probably wouldn't have let her in the house, there's little kiddies who sleep here and I don't think they would want to be watching that. I close the book and set it next to me in the couch and then give off a deep sigh, why did this kind of BS have to happen to me? I knew I should've slept upstairs like a normal person.

I walk up to her and grab her under the armpits and haul her up so she's upright, it takes a tremendous amount of effort, with a loud grunt I almost have to drag her so she's sitting next to me on the couch. ”Well, someone’s had a crazy night.” I say with a sigh, I look her right in the eyes but it’s clear they’re not focused because of how drunk she is, how much was she drinking? It’s things like this which annoy me a lot, walking in drunk, late at night when people are trying to sleep, it’s pretty selfish to be honest and I hate that.

It feels weird that someone a year younger than me has probably drunk more than I have in my life but honestly I think alcohol is poison so I won’t drink it. Do I think it makes me any less of a man? Hell no, I think being addicted to alcohol shows who’s weak. I picked her up and put her on the couch because I can’t have her drunk and sleeping on the floor, what if someone walked in and saw her blocking the doorway and I know she’d just complain the next day. ”So what time do you call this Velvet? If you’re going to go out and get drunk why can’t you just go to a friend’s house? You’re going to wake everybody up.” I whisper to her calmly and soothingly, so I don’t alarm her by sounding angry or aggravate her because the last thing I need is to get into an argument with my drunk half-sister.

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I groan, trying to focus on Lloyd though there seems to be at least three of him floating around my vision. I knew he was annoyed. Who wouldn't be? It's fucking who knows when and I'm drunk off my ass. I used to get drunk so easily... a few shots and all my pain went away. Now I had to consume outrageous amounts of it to even feel a slight buzz. I hadn't meant to get this drunk.

Okay, I did.

Even so, this wasn't anything out of the norm. I'm trashed at least twice a week. I usually just sleep it off on this couch. Sometimes I even make it upstairs. I didn't expect anyone to be down here at this time. I give up trying to focus on my half-brother, looking down at the floor instead. Even drunk I feel ashamed. I'm lucky it was Lloyd, a year my senior, and not someone like Raiden. I didn't want them exposed to me when I was like this. I cringe at the thought.

Even this was humiliating.

"I'm sorry."I slur, focusing on a certain stain embedded in the dirty floor instead of Lloyd. "I'm usually quieter. I just didn't expect someone to be down here at this time. Sorry."

Why did I do this? I know it's selfish. I know it'll kill me one day. Do I want it to? Probably. I feel so weak. This life, it's taken a lot out of me. Not just the drinking. The persona. Forcing myself to be something I never was. What I do repulses me. And I keep. Fucking. Doing it. Day after day. Night after night. I cover myself, my real self. No one even knows what really happened to my mother.

Sure, they know she offed herself. That's the whole reason I came to live with my father. The reason I dropped the Red name. Became Velvet Bison. And Just that. But they didn't know why. They didn't know that is was my fault.

I can't tell them. The words just won't form. I can't express the horror I felt a year ago. Screaming her name. That awful smell.

Am I crying? I can't tell. My eyes are warm. Tracing little warm paths down my cheeks. It's been so long since I've cried... I've forgotten what it felt like.

Shit.

I quickly wipe them away, still refusing to meet Lloyd's eyes. I felt a blush rise to my already red cheeks. I'm not one to act like I care. I'm not one to be weak. A facade. I'll keep that up. I won't show anyone.

I won't. I won't. I won't.

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[kousei ♚]

Aww great, why does she have to cry now?

I absolutely hated things like that, making people feel pain and making them cry, that's why I preferred to just sit back and go with the flow. The one time I try to be stern and this is what happens, I start to make my own sister cry. Not that I felt too bad about it or anything, this really is her own fault after all, I just think it's kind of a pain, I could be sleeping up in my room right now or reading a nice book and instead I'm making a drunk person cry? Now what part of that is fair? I sigh and look at her sympathetically as the warm tears begin to roll down her cheeks like miniature water falls.

"C-come on. Don't start crying now." I mutter and she begins to wipe them away but she doesn't look at me, she continues to simply stare at the floor like a naughty child getting chewed out. Great now she's making me feel like one of those mean parents who chew their kids out and their kid is too scared to look at them. I hate it.I hate being that guy, I hate being that guy who people are scared of, I would rather be the cool guy who people aren't afraid to open up to or aren't scared to be a little bit bad around.

But I'm one of the oldest in the family, and I feel like protecting them is a bit of a responsibility, and honestly this is probably one of the only responsibilities I have. I may not bring money to this house, or clean this house but I sure can help the younger people in this house. When I see her cry I don't feel bad but I feel sorry for her. She says she usually quieter. She usually comes home steaming drunk at this time? She's not only a danger to herself but being a danger to other people. I make a mental note to myself to throw out all the liquor in this house, no one here should be drinking that poison anyway.

"Velvet, I'm not going to pretend that this is okay or not your fault because it's not okay and it is your fault. But what I will say is that this has to stop." I say to her, I'm not shouting at her or trying to say or do anything I'll regret later. I don't know why she's doing this but there's no reason to be turning to drugs or alcohol, a lot of kids have a damaged past, I can't say my past was exactly 'damaged' but I did lose my mother but then again she was a whore, but she was still my mom and it still hurt. That's why I'm here and she's probably here because however was looking after her died or took of without her.

I'm still looking at her and then I speak. "Velvet, it's okay. I'm not angry at you."

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"It's wrong. It's so fucking wrong. But I can't stop."I finally look up at him. Even the thought of giving up what I've been doing, giving up my control, sends panic through my body. If i stopped this... I'd loose everything. The facade, however imperfect it was, was what I was comfortable with. What I knew. How could I give this up? How did he expect me to.

"You don't know me. The real me. How fucking disgusting I am. What I feel. It's wrong. It's all wrong.My voice is desperate. That of an addict begging someone to understand what they do. I knew that if he took this away, I'd have to find something else. To take the pain away. And to cause it. What was wrong with me? I feel as though there is a storm within me raging war on what was left of who I was. Leaving only chaos in it's wake. Confusion. So much so that I couldn't discern what was happening.

I know... I know. I can't do this. I'll die. It's killing me. Slowly. But I'll surely die if I stop this too. I can't live. I can't function without this. I can't be normal. Or whatever twisted version of the word I am.

"Don't you understand. Can't you see?"


I sure as hell can. Everytime I see someone. Someone who causes the stirring within my stomach. My heart to beat a thousand times faster in my chest. And I can't stop it. My eyes always seem to find them, in the crowd. And I have this... need to go talk to them. To smile, and giggle and play with my hair.

But I don't. I go to the nearest market. Buy whatever cheap booze I can, and I down it. Until I can't remember their face. I can't remember the feeling that stirred in my stomach. I just feel the liquid burn down my throat. Settle in my stomach and churn. And I don't think. I accept it.

And I drink. And drink. And drink. I find someone else. They don't cause the stirring in my chest. Or the giggly bubble within my mind. I don't want to laugh or twirl my hair. Still, I pull them close to me. I press my lips against theirs. And it feels so wrong. We don't fit. It's awkward and I hate it. So I keep drinking. Until I don't feel much of anything.

I need it. He can't take this away from me.

I won't let him.

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[kousei ♚]

Tragic.

That's the first word that comes to mind when she starts her rant about herself. "It's wrong. It's so fucking wrong. But I can't stop." She looks up at me and I see nothing but self-loathing in her eyes, I don't see a selfish addict who's an asshole (like I think of most addicts) I don't see that at all. I see a girl who wants a way out, I see a girl who wants to find a way to ease the pain but can't seem to do it in the right way. Could I have ended up like that? I guess the influence of alcohol is really starting to make her open up to me, I guess when drunk people are more honest. As I listen to her self rant about her self I ignore the obvious foul smell of alcohol and continue to listen as best as I could.

"You don't know me. The real me. How fucking disgusting I am. What I feel. It's wrong. It's all wrong." Now my annoyance at her disregard for her safety is starting to melt away and turn into more of a pity feeling. Sure it was still pretty irresponsible of her to do this, but then again I can't say I'm not always responsible about things. Look at me I'm a lazy guy who just spends his days sitting around the house all day, no cleaning is done by me around the house, no money is brought in by me, I'm just there. I won't bother to fight if someone insults me, hell I probably wouldn't bother to fight at all but if there's one thing I won't stand for it's my own family member slowly self-destructing. I guess if there's one thing I'm good for it's things like this.

Velvet Bison is not disgusting no matter what she says. Under neath the foul smell of alcohol in her breath, the vomit she probably spews everyday in the morning and the burning she must feel in her throat from all the liquor she consumes there is a person who wants to be free, who wants to be someone who can be someone other than a cheap alcohol downer because I can see that.

"Don't you understand. Can't you see?"

The war in my brain between sympathy and annoyance is starting to reach it's conclusion. After all every story has two sides right? And my decision is reflected in my actions. I pull her in and give her a light hug, speaking softly, almost whispering. "Velvet Bisojn, you are not disgusting, you are not hopeless. You are just an innocent girl who is a victim, a victim to poison and I refuse to let it take you." I then release her and look at her. It's going to be alright, I'll be sure of that.

I then get up, standing on my two feet. I'm tired, the seductive and tempting feeling of tiredness is beginning to take over my mind and thoughts, making my eyes flutter ever so gently and slowly. "Good night Velvet, you can have the couch tonight." I say with a yawn and walk out of the living room. What I said to here, it's what I believe is the truth. I can only hope that doesn't turn out to be a lie.

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