Fear and Fright //Jack(Matthew)

[*]

Pain. That's the only thing to describe what I'm feeling. No, it's not the physical pain. It's more of an emotional state of mind that I had been pushed away from my boyfriend. I had been told that I wasn't wanted in his time of need. Though, was it my own fault for expecting him to be welcoming after that kind of a loss? When I lost the first time, I wanted nothing more then their comfort and Matthew's comfort. Gala was there to comfort me as well. Deep down, I didn't want to push them away. Then, when I won against Gala, I needed that comfort more then cause of how horrible I felt, yet he was anything but supportive. Third time, I pushed him away. Each time something has happened, it was always one or the other to push. Is this how our relationship was going to be? With one of us always pushing the other one away only to get back together a day or two later?

"Wait... if that is how it is... could that mean that he might still want to see me? In the end, that's all we wanted. How we've missed each other? Could this still be the same scenario?" I stop in my tracks after leaving the forest after spending so much time out there. The hurtful things that was said between me and my enemy. Everything that occured is in the past now. Now? I find myself walking down the street toward the hospital in a hurried fashion in order to see if I can make it in time before he gets to go home. To see if I can mend what may be left of our relationship. If he's even willing to? Surely, I'll make it in time. They'd have to keep him for a few more days with the injuries that he incurred, right? My thoughts are lost in time.

I enter the hospital after my quickened pace. I brush past the nurses station without even giving them a second glance. What was the point to stop? I knew where Matthew's room was. I knew where he was sleeping just two days ago. It would be hard not to remember after pacing the entire hospital for so many hours and to not know every inch of the place. I watch my feet step on every crack of the floor that leads to his room and the moment I get to the door facing, I push on the closed door and when I enter, I witness the cleaning staff throwing the dirty linens on the floor and looking up at me.

"Can I help you, Miss?"

"Matthew. Matthew Dunham. He was a patient here from the pregames. Where is he?" My voice becomes frantic until the woman looks at me and shrugs. She stops what's she's doing and lays the cleaning supplies down and just stands there expecting for me to just walk out and be happy about this. Did something happen to him? He wouldn't be released this quick?

"I think he's gone. The nurses cleared out the room; had to have been a couple hours ago."

"Gone... gone where? No..." I take a step back thinking the worst. Was Matthew gone? Was he in worse shape then I thought? HAd I left prematurely when he needed me the most? Was that why he was so demanding of me to leave him. To 'go away'? I leave the room quickly and plan where to go next. I have to find out from his father. I need to know what happened to him.

I run.

My feet pounding against the concrete floor of the hospital until I reach the road and even then, I don't stop. I lose all senses to myself thinking the worst. If he was going to be released from the hospital, someone would have told me, right? His dad. Gala? Tyren? Someone should have told me, but no... that lady mentioned he was gone. Mentioned that the nurses had to clear the room. I feel my face flush and my vision waning from the liquid pooling at the bottom of each lid. I wipe at them. Once I reach his dad's work, I go through the doors without wasting any time and reach the first person I can find.

"Mr. Dunham, please." The look on my face is apparent from fear and fright. She nods to me and shakes her head. "What business might you have with Mr. Dunham?"

[Jack Lexington]

I'm almost ready to return to the hospital that I hate so much because the way into town, even just to my dad's work seems way too much of an effort. I can't believe my father didn't come to pick me up like he said he would. Dissapointment is all I can feel these days: In myself for loosing, in my dad for letting me down when I need him and I do really need him right now. They let me leave the hospital under the provision that I'd rest at home and not go for a mile long walk in the snow without appropriate clothing but sneakers and a crutch that slip on then snow. A few times I almost fall. It's been almost half an hour and I'm not even close to the engineering company where I know my father will be. Instead I'm hurting badly. My leg feels like it's tearing up again and my head has started to pound.
I blink against the falling snow but still no sign of anybody coming to pick me up so I stop in my tracks.
"I can't believe this."
Is he maybe just as disappointed with me as Kyanites father was wu=ith her after she lost?
For a moment I stand there thinking about the girl. I was pretty harsh to her two days ago and she didn't come back. I guess she called us quits after I rejected her or is trying to show me how little she appreciated my behavior. I'm not even sure what I said to her anymore, just that she looked very disappointed as well....great another person shared that feeling.

His secretary has informed my father, who was in a meeting until a couple of minutes ago that some young lady was here to see him. When he headed towards the waiting area he immediately recognised her as the girl who was at his house a couple of days ago.
"Oh, hello...how can I help you?"
At her sight he casts a glance at his watch. "Whatever it is it'll have to wait. I have to go and pick up Matthew. I'm running late."
He gives her a quick smile while he walks to the coat hangers and reaches for a nice dark business coat to cover his suit.

[*]

The secretary's voice was nice, I'll give her that, but fear was instilled in me for the time being. I was terrified of what might have happened to Matthew. Still, that woman's voice still rings in my ears. "He's gone." From the time that she asks me what I want with Mr. Dunham, I simply tell her it's a personal matter and to make it quick even though she informs me that he's been in a meeting. My eyes can say it all. That it was very urgent that I speak to him and quickly. She takes no time at all to complete my request to speak with Matthew's father and I find myself leaning up against the wall, a few pairs of eyes staring at my complexion and my raged breaths. I bring the back of my hand up to my face to wipe away the pools of salty tears that form at my eyes until I hear his voice. The one voice I remember just once meeting very briefly when I stayed with Matthew after my father denied me my own bed to sleep in. Could he see the terror in my eyes? Even more so, when he just said that he had to go pick up Matthew from the hospital where I just came from and he wasn't there?

"YOu mean, Matthew isn't here with you? I figured." I start to say and watch as he goes to get his business coat to cover up with before heading out into the cold, windy day. I shake my head. "Mr. Dunham, Matthew isn't there at the hospital. They said he'd gone already. I thought you had picked him up. If he's not here..." I let my mind wander aimlessly to many different scenarios. I don't wait for Mr. Dunham to react to what I'd just said. It was clear that somewhere Matthew would be walking around on his own, most likely to get home, but after everything he went through, I'd only imagine that walking home would be terribly painful and slow.

I make my exit quickly from the factory and start running once again, my breath leaving me nothing but exhausted from the run to the office and now to who knows where? Where would he be?

"Matthew, where the hell are you?" I question myself, dodging an icepatch on the road by narrowly catching my balance. A small heartattack from that 'almost' fall has me running on adrenaline right now. I don't give up though. My pace slows slightly as my lungs begin to burn with the quick intakes of freezing air. I can't run anymore. I think to myself before I make myself stop and crouch down to my knees, taking painful breaths. "Matthew?"

Just then, my eyes wander from the snow covered ground upward and there in the distance, I see the figure. The outline of Matthew just standing there in the snow. A crutch on one side and he's barely covered up with nothing more to shield himself from the temperatures. Without waiting any more despite my burning lungs, I sprint to him.

"Matthew? What are you doing out here? Why are you not waiting on your father at the hospital?" I say the moment I come within a few feet of him. I'm unsure if he wants a hug or a scolding but I leave it up to him as I wait to see what he'll say this time to my presence.

[Jack Lexington]

"You mean, Matthew isn't here with you? I figured." The girl tells my father the obvious. He casts a quick glance at her and shrugs. "No, I got a call to pick him up at 3 pm."
With a look at his watch he motions for the girl to move towards the exit. "It's 3.30."
"Mr. Dunham, Matthew isn't there at the hospital. They said he'd gone already. I thought you had picked him up. If he's not here..."
Before he knows what's happening the frantic girl is out the door and running away instead of waiting for him and his car. His son was right. Girls were hard to understand.
"Wait!" He called after her but she was already across the yard and on the street.

I'm so incredibly cold it's hard to even set one foot in front of the other anymore. My whole body feels numb but keeps shivering. Why didn't I stay at the hospital? I'm finally in a busier neighborhood but due to the weather not many people are outside today.
I'm ready to simply knock on somebodys door to let me inside to warm up when I hear my name being called.
Blinking against the snow that is settling on my eye lashes I try to figure out who it is. Some skinny, smaller figure. Is that Kyanite?

Not even a minute later she's dashed towards me as if she was wearing ice skates and attacks me with questions.
"Matthew? What are you doing out here? Why are you not waiting on your father at the hospital?"
My teeth are clattering when I respond the only thing on my mind right now. "I'm cold."
For now nothing else matters. I just need warmth.
Kyanite looks truly worried and upset with me. There's even some redness in her eyes but I'm more concerned with getting somewhere warm.
"is he coming?"
I know we're not far away from his work now but I'm unable to walk any further.

Just then the headlights of the car illuminate the falling snow around us before a car stops only feet away from us.
"Matt!" My father jumps out of his company vehicle to rush to my side.
"Why didn't you wait for me?"
I can't believe that he's asking me this when he was the one standing me up. "3 m, dad. You were supposed to pick me up." My voice is filled with resentment. Against me, him or Ky, I don't know. It's too cold to know anything.
With blue lips and shivering limbs I slowly climb into the precious leather seats of the car to rest my sore limbs and ask Kyanite. "You...coming?"
My father simply motions for her to get inside as well.

[*]

My questions are merely my way of being upset and scared for him. The first thoughts that he had died, when I saw the lady changing the sheets off his bed, was gone. Then the possibility that he had been out running around without help was the second thing that came through my head. The moment I saw him standing there though, was about the happiest I'd been in a while. To see that he was fine, or close enough, was enough to settle my nerves for now.

The only response I get out of him is something that I should have figured. That he was cold. That awful sound of his voice tears into me though, and I instantly close the distance between us for a moment, molding myself to his side, wrapping my arm around his.

"Is he coming?"

"He is... should be. I just came from his work... he didn't realize that he was late. I went to the hospital to find you. To talk to you, but you'd already gone." The color of his lips scare me. Only once had we gotten that cold before and we had been out all day, but with his injuries and everything, it wasn't taking long for the cold to attack him harshly. I take a few deep breaths, still agonizing over the pain the cold air was doing to my lungs. It seems to get easier to breath the more still I am as I try to hold on to Matthew's arm until a blinding light flashes over our bodies and his father jumps out of his car and rushes quickly to Matthew's side. That's when I sidestep my way from Matthew and watch as his father takes care of him.

I'm glad his father finally got to him. Shame that he had to walk like that. I guess it's time I get home. Let his father take care of him, although, I wish that could still talk to him. My mind rushes with thoughts about the same time that Matthew blames his father for not picking him up, though his tone is settling for more than one to blame. It bothers me slightly, but I just simply stand there until I heard his voice.

"You... coming?

At first, I don't want to. As much as I was needing to talk to him before, everything is just gone from me now. He was found. Saved. What more would he want with me? Then, his father motions for me to come too and I reluctantly accept. I get in the warm car and sit by Matthew. The heat burns my freezing cheeks but it feels so good the moment I shut the door and look to his father then to Matthew. Without even worrying, I pull my hands out of my pocket and place it to his face just to feel the icy temperature. I shake my head.

"Matthew, your crazy. You should have stayed at the hospital and waited." I scold him again, but in a whispered, worried tone. "Are you okay?"

[Jack Lexington]

The weather has chilled me to the bone leaving me shaking and shivering, which sends jolts of pain through my broken arm and the cut up leg. Even in the car it's not much better, yet I try to awkwardly sit in the backseat on one butt cheek with my leg up on the seat and get as comfortable as I can.
Once the door closes and Kyanite is inside my father comes around to the driver side and gets in to turn up the heat before he glares at me.
"You don't have any sense, kid, do you? Why would you walk around in the snow like that?"
He shakes his angry head at me but I bite back instantly. "Because you told the staff you'd pick me up. How was I supposed to know you'd be this late?"
I turn my face away from him when he starts the car and announces. "I"ll take you home now. You can warm up there." He turns his head towards the road so I know his attention is no longer on me which is good before it gets ugly between us.

Suddenly I feel Kyanites hands on my face. They are so warm on my frozen skin that I close my eyes for a moment. "That's nice." Just then I realize that she's doing this despite how I treated her. She hasn't come back to the hospital because I asked her to leave. She must be angry.
"Matthew, your crazy. You should have stayed at the hospital and waited." She scolds me with that motherly tone but doesn't sound very upset. "Are you okay?"
"Hm." I reply through half clattering teeth and look at her. Why is she here? Does she care about me or just pity me? She surely doesn't want to be the losers girlfriend, who's not even ready to admit that she's his in public. Who would want that? It must be pity and I don't want THAT.
"Couple more frozen fingers, who cares." I remark sarcastically. Then add. "Fine." It's a blunt lie but I don't want any more pity. Not from her nor anybody else.
"Why are you here. Kyanite?" I ask her just like the first day when my father speaks up.
"Be nice, Matthew. Don't let your frustration out on her." He warns making me wonder since when he's the 'woman understander'.
The car turns a corner. Outside the houses are flying by. Most of them already have the lights on because the weather has turned the skies dark at 4 pm today.
The drive is much slower than usual.

[*]

I'm still reeling over the marathon I just ran to the hospital, to his work and then to where Matthew was at this exact moment. My heart still racing with adrenaline until right now when I start relaxing, do I realize how my leg muscles are screaming. How much my body is starting to relax the muscles making it painful in the warm car, yet I don't seem to make that known. I'm just worried about Matthew. Since when do I care so much about a guy? Usually they cause me so much greif every time I meet with one. Every time it ends with physical pain, but Matthew? With him, its more emotional and I don't understand this. How do I react around him?

My hand leaves his icy cheeks in time for him to answer my question and I can feel the resentment toward what has happened to him since the pregames had happened. How I would give anything to have that victor back. Not because of him being a winner, but simply he was just over joyed and that is what I love about him. Love? Since when did that word come into play? I can't 'love' him. The way he's treating me doesn't make me 'love' him. For some reason, the way he tries to push my away, only makes me want to try harder to get back to him. I don't want to lose what I've grown so fond of. I miss his touch. I miss 'Us'.

Then, without notice, I hear him say that he is 'fine', and I know that with a woman, that's the deadly excuse, but what does it mean for guys? Are they simply 'fine' and leave them alone? I left Matthew alone for two days and suddenly we're back to square one again. He comes out with the tone and words that he did in the hospital. Again - Arrow through the heart, sending this ultimate freeze through my body making me wish that I wasn't the one to give in to my emotions. It was me who wanted to see him. I needed to see him and to talk to him. I didn't want this. His father chimes in though. For once, I'm glad to have someone there to speak up for me cause of all the times that talking has been my forte, with Matthew, it just seems to disappear.

What has he done to me?

I sit quietly though for a few minutes cause I"m trying to mold the answer in my head and while his father is around, I know better than to express my feelings for Matthew. It's best I'm left in silence. My eyes go straight out the window as I watch the many houses pass by my sights. I dont' know what to say to him. I don't know whether what I say will even matter to him. He's already probably regretting that I took up the offer that his father gave me a ride. I should just tell his father to drop me off at the next road and walk the rest of the way home. There's no good in trying anymore, is there? He clearly don't want to be around me. He clearly don't want my help. God, can this be any harder? What's the point of trying anymore?

I take my eyes away from the window as we drive along the snowy roads and look at Matthew. He's not even looking at me. I let my gaze to to my feet as I hug my own body with my arms and lean heavily back against the seat. AGainst my own thoughts, trying seems to make more sense right now. Just one more time... Just one more try... that's it. I can't do this anymore.

"Matthew... I don't care that you lost. Okay? I'm just glad that your alive. You will heal. I've said it before, I'll be there if you need me." I drop my voice off hoping that his dad won't be listening, though the car is quiet. I don't care anymore. I feel that burning sensation in my throat as I try to keep myself from crying right now. Not in front of Matthew. Not in front of his father. I give myself a moment with a deep breath. "... just let me know now. Am I even welcomed in your life?"

There. I said it. No more hiding it now. I try to stare deep into his eyes, but I break the contact. Surely, now, he won't be so doped up on painkillers and fresh remorse of the battle, he surely can think without those hindrences. One one second has passed by before I find that i'd rather not know the answer.

"Mr. Dunham. Just drop me off at the next road. It's not far from my house. I'll just walk. You need to get Matthew home anyways and my dad's probably worried about me. Do you mind?" I call out to the front seat.

[Jack Lexington]

Slowly very slowy some of the warmth from the car fans is creeping under my skin and making me a little more comfortable. Kyanite sits next to me in silence. This is harder than being mean or throwing out bad words. I can practically feel that she's hurting because I'm pushing her away. I just feel it's better for her. She doesn't need to hang around a looser like me, who can't even publicly show affection.
My dad reminds me to be nice, decent..."As if you've ever been nice to women..." I trail off. It's not the time to push blame around for him being to reserved to the women of our family.
He falls silent for a moment but I know he doesn't like what I said.
"Exactly." He suddenly mutters but I'm unsure what that's supposed to mean.

Kyanite has taken her hands away from me and turned her shoulders looking out the window. Her arms are wrapped around her own slender form.
I can see her swallow hard but she doesn't say anyhting. Neither do I because whatever I say will be wrong. I don't know what I want and even less what she wants or needs.

Slowly the car turns another corner when she speaks up in a very low tone.
"Matthew... I don't care that you lost. Okay? I'm just glad that your alive. You will heal. I've said it before, I'll be there if you need me."
That's not what I expected to hear. She doesn't care if I lost? How is that possible. I promised her revenge and she promised me a winners reward. "Winning is what matters. You didn't get your revenge on Mark." I'm not looking at her because I feel I didn't fulfill what I promised her.

I hear her draw a deep breath. Her voice sounds choked up when she asks me. "... just let me know now. Am I even welcomed in your life?"
My own chest is starting to tighten. Why is she making this so hard? Can't she simply tell me that she'd rather be with someone else than trying to change me into a 'public boyfriend, who wins the contest'. Does she even want that? Is she asking whether I want her as my girlfriend or simply a friend?
I swallow hard against the lump forming in my throat and for the first time look at her all the way across the car. She seems so far away.
"I don't want your pity. I can't fulfill your expectations. I get that I'm not what you expect out of a boyfriend. Do I want you as a friend?" I think about it for a moment. Then state what I think. "No."
I catch my dads eyes in the rear view mirror....yes, dad, she is or was my girl friend.

Not even a second later she asks to be let out. Damn. If she gets out...that's it.
But I can't get myself to start begging for her to stay. My chest tightens even more, so does my jaw.
"Matt?" My dad asks hoping I'll say something but I remain silent.
"Kyanite. Why don't you come home with us? I really don't want to let you out in snowstorm. Have a cup of tea at our place, warm up. I'll drive you home later?"
I watch her put of the corner of my eye silently hoping she'll accept the offer.

[*]

Winning might be what this all started out as, but now... it's the least of my worries. To have my boyfriend exact revenge for me was the whole point of his fuel for the last battle. I wish he would have won, but i'd rather just have him wrap his arms around me. That ain't happening. Besides, I got my revenge on Mark this morning.

I shake my head slightly to his accusations about that. "Karma will reach him sure enough, Matthew." I say that loosely because of the words I threw at Mark this morning, wishing that he would be dead was satisfaction enough for me to be able to let everything go. Words can have power and Mark knows it. Right now, its Matthew's words that is peircing me through with the tip of a arrow. "I used to think winning was everything..." I mutter under my breath as I can tell I'm losing everything important to me right now. Didn't he know that he is the best thing in my life right now? Pain and all? I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all? If whatever happens now ends it for us, I will feel absolutely nothing. I will be nothing but numb. I can already feel it coming on. Then I ask if he wants me to be in his life.

My heart beat echoes in my ears. One. two. three. seven...

"I don't want your pity. I can't fulfill your expectations. I get that I'm not what you expect out of a boyfriend. Do I want you as a friend?" He pauses making me feel antsy. Right now, what he says after this pause is going to effect us in the long run. What he says will effect what he said about what I expect out of him as a boyfriend or a friend. The word that follows next chokes me up. I throw my head to the window once more.

"No." I want to scream. I want to get out of the car and just run from all of this, but we're moving to much for me to do that so I'm forced to sit here hoping that he'll take it back. That what he just said will be taken back before I really have time to think about it. So... does this mean, it's over Matthew? You just broke up with me? For the first time in my life, I'd rather take a physical beating from Jins rather to deal with this with you. Maybe Jins was doing me a favor? Maybe he was right after all...

"Kyanite. Why don't you come home with us? I really don't want to let you out in the snowstorm. Have a cup of tea at our place, warm up. I'll drive you home later?" His father's generous offer comes up where Matthew's voice doesn't. That's the worse part about this. His father is more willing to keep me in the car than Matthew. I look outside at the snow that's falling harder the more time that we drive and I finally seem to let common sense set it. I can't be out in this weather... No telling if I'll make it home.

"Thank you for the offer, Mr. Dunham. I'll call my brother if you don't mind, when we get there, if its no problem? He'll come to get me." I accept the offer with the condition that my brother comes to pick me up. I'd rather not have his father be taken away from Matthew when he clearly needs help and the assistance. I am no longer part of Matthew's life, so his father shouldn't be burdened with my needs. Just when I think I might have a moment without eyes, I bring my sleeve up to my eyes, soaking up the water that falls from my cheek.

You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

[Jack Lexington]

Both of us sit frozen in this most awkward, painful of moments. What can I say though. I feel like a failure and that I don't deserve her. Everything she'd offer me would be out of pity. The friend thing doesn't work for me. I sit there, shivers still run down my back. I want to hold her and have her comfort, yet I'm unable to ask for it because my ego won't allow me to.
My jaws working while I keep my eyes away from my dad's gaze and hers.
On one side I'm thankful my father offers her to come home and is trying to convince her to stay on the other hand it's none of his business.
Kyanite agrees to stay in the car and will ask her brother to pick her up. I can only imagine what her brother will want to do to me. Get in line, buddy!
The next few minutes pass as if they were hours. I can hear her heavy breaths and when I look over there are a few tears rolling down her cheeks. That sight feels like someone just stabbed me right through my heart. I did this. I made her cry.
"Ky..." I start but don't know how to end that sentence. 'don't cry' won't cut it.
To see her like this just adds to my already existing feeling like I'm a failure and disappointment to everybody around me, especially her.

I can see my father shake his head and when we finally reach home he opens the door for her and then leans in to 'help me' "What the hell is wrong with you, son?" He gives me a hard stare. "Don't do this! You're all wrong!" My dad really had a way with words but I don't feel like justifying my actions. "I know."
He reaches in to pull on my left arm but I jerk it back away from him and crawl out myself.
With great efforts I hobble to the door where Kyanite is already waiting.
Before my dad can get there and listen I briefly say.
"I told you right from the start that I ain't ideal boyfriend material. Now you know the real me." Maybe she had some sort of a rosy picture of me in her mind, where I become her lovey dovey boyfriend, that she can show off to her friends as the winner of this years pregames. She must although she never said so. Which girl wouldn't? Did she say something about winning doesn't matter so much? I think she did. Probably to console me. "Winning matters. It means everything. Mark won." I turn my eyes away from her. Am I suggesting that Mark is the better man after what he's done? That he deserves her more than me?
I have to wait for my father to turn the door handle because I'm unable to myself right now.

[*]

I just want to go back into the woods at this moment that we decided to play that game, and throw one last knife at him then run. Run back into the district and leave him to rott. That's what I would have done to any other guy that dared to play my game, only we went too far. We went further than we should have ever gone. I regret it now. I gave my heart to him, to any guy, and right now, with every single tear that falls down the side of my cheek, I start to build that wall again. This time, I'm going to reinforce it better. It won't come down to the next guy. It will not happen. NEVER... again. Never again...

"Ky..." I clinch my eyes shut, making the flow just a little bit heavier from my closed eyes. I block him out because right now, he's the last person I want to try to say anything to me. Its the way it has to be. The guy that used to hate girls, is doing something that probably won't effect him at all, if he even ever cared about me other than those times we got intimate. Is that all he wanted me for? Maybe, he didn't want me at all? He don't want anyone to know about 'us'. He's ashamed of me and he certainly don't need me now. He can just get back to training full time again. No distractions. No girl.

The car stops infront of his house and I sit there for a moment when he steps out of the car. My door opens and I take my leave from the car, not once looking back. I just want to get inside, call my brother and get out of his house. Staying will only make it worse with either ill words or no words at all. I turn around when I reach the porch, watching as Matthew does his best to pull himself, unaided, from his fathers car. I don't dare watch him as he makes his way to the porch and he has the nerve to start in on me again.

"I told you right from the start that I ain't ideal boyfriend material. Now you know the real me." Ouch! I know what he said. I also told him that I wasn't looking for an ideal boyfriend. I just wanted one that would treat me right. That didn't want to hurt me. I told him not to hurt me when all of this started. Now, he was. It was my fault that I let this happen. I took down that barrier on my heart for him. Now, it was crumbling and falling apart. All of this was falling apart again. No more second chances for either of us. This was it?

"Winning matters. It means everything. Mark won."

I shake my head slightly and take a step back from the porch when his father makes it to the steps of the house. By now, I forcefully wipe away yet another tear and I know that Matthew can see it now. Can he see the hurt? Does he see what I'm about to do? He won't listen. I told him that winning didn't matter. I just wanted him alive.

"I only wanted you, Matthew." I fold up my arms infront of my body and take a deep breath against the wind blowing the snow around me and the other two occupants of the porch. "Winning don't matter, but if you want it all that bad. It's yours. You win." I take the stairs to the porch quickly and cut through the grass that's beginning to become white. Down the sidewalk. Down the street and around the next corner before I can fully comprehend what's going on.

Matthew and I just broke up.

[Jack Lexington]

Kyanite doesn't agree with me on 'winning is the only thing that matters.' Wasn't she feeling low when she lost? Isn't this what she trained for as well? Not just to be part of it all but to bring home the victory.

Why can't my father hurry up to open that door and let us get this over with? It feels like torture to me. Tugging on my insides making me want to fall to pieces when that's all that's left of me already. Four days ago the two of us were exchanging kisses on her front porch just to hurt each other on mine now. It's me. I'm at fault here, I know. Because I didn't win.

"I only wanted you, Matthew." She claims with her eyes red and a tear slipping from her eye again. I look at her for a moment even though her tears are killing me. Does she really mean this? For a moment I don't listen to my own ideas of our relationship but her words. If that's true...
My eyes narrow slightly but I tell her. "Not this version of me." I press them together because my own opinion takes over again.
I hope she'll tell me yes but deep down I know nobody would want a guy like me. That's why it's never worked before and it's a miracle we've even gotten this far. I'm not the charming star quarter back. I'm uncomfortable, sarcastic, too emotional and well, not a star.
"Winning don't matter, but if you want it all that bad. It's yours. You win."
"What?" I don't get what I win here. Then she's gone in a flash down the porch and out on the street and suddenly it hits me. I just let her run away, I just used all the wrong words and I just let the only woman who I ever got along with slip from my life. What an idiot am I?

I can't feel the cold of the blowing wind right now but I know I should go after her and beg that she won't drop me like a hot potatoe.
'Get over yourself, you fool, do it, run!' Something inside of me screams. So I take a deep breath and call her name through the falling snow.
"Wait, Kyanite."
Against all odds I even try to go after her. Needless to say that I don't get far. The icy stairs make me slip and become and unmanagable obstacle that makes me land on my knees on their bottom.
I yelp out in pain because my left leg doesn't take those angles well yet. I clutch it to make the pain go away but when I turn my head I can't see the girl anymore. Apparently she's much better on her feet than me.

The cold snow soaks through my training pants but I don't give a damn. I'm a fucking fool.
Only now does my father show his face. He must have given us the space we could have used so much better. "You're an idiot, Matthew."
As if I didn't know.
Yet he offers me a much needed hand to get back in the house just to leave me the rest of the evening to dwell in my mystery in front of the fireplace on the couch.

My head won't settle for one direction. I know this is better for her in the long run, I know I don't want to go chasing after her, but I also have this overwhelming feeling that I made a mistake and want her in my arms.