a ghost of the past that lingers in my mind [ONESHOT]

[Deleted]

troyan sinclair.

I can't take it anymore. I can't take the guilt that is the result of me killing my own brother, Kassen Sinclair. Over the months, I have delved further into depression. I have cried for the first time in a decade. Guilt is a monster, buried deep down inside of me, demanding to be felt. But I refused, so it retaliated by eating me alive, making me cry. Guilt is a monster that no one can run from, not even me. Kassen Sinclair, my twin brother, is a ghost of my past that lingers in my mind, a ghost that will never fade, that I can never escape. Maybe I deserve the misery, being the awful person I am. Awful people are strong; good people are weak.

I used to think that I would rule the world when I was young child if I was strong, because strength is power. But the truth is, no one can rule the world. The world is just a big piece of rock floating in space. It is not for anyone to own, to rule over. Not even the strongest man of all time could rule the world. When I realized this, I hoped to be mayor of District Four, because I knew I could never become Panem's president. And then I realized, What difference does it make? Rank means nothing. Position means nothing.

There is not a thing in the world that means something to me, not anymore.

Life is just a train, and I am a passenger on that train. The train makes many stops, but once you get off that train, you get right back onto the next. It never ends. And after a while, after riding on this train, I began to think, What's the point? What is the point of all of this meandering? Where am I going? I am going nowhere but into the ground in a coffin after my traveling is done, just like everyone else. After Life is done screwing with me, Life will fling me off into oblivion. Life will do this to everyone eventually.

But not me. I won't go into a coffin after my traveling is done. I will sink down, down, down into the deep blue sea, and I'll look up and watch the trails of light disappear and all I'll see is darkness. I'll sink, completely still, completely relaxed. I won't let myself breathe until I'm too far in to come back up. And when I do gasp for air, my lungs will receive salty water instead of salty air.

And then I'll die, and oblivion will claim me.

No one but me decides my fate but me. Not even Life, that bitch, will decide where they'll throw me off the train and into oblivion. I do. I have the power to do whatever I want. My life is in my own hands, not anyone's hands but mine. I belong to myself, and no one can tell me what to do, not even my parents. I'll do this. I'm going to drown.

Just like Kassen.

I stand on the beach that I know better than the back of my hand. The tide rolls in and white sea foam laps at my bare feet. My T-shirt billows in the salty wind along with my hair, which is disorderly and sticks up in places. But for the first time in a long time, I'm not caring about what I look like. My corpse doesn't need to be pretty, because no one will find my body deep down at the bottom of the ocean. Maybe they will, but by then, I will be nothing but a pile of bones.

In my hand, I hold a huge rock. If I hadn't trained my whole life, I wouldn't be able to pick this up. But I am a Career, so I am strong. This single stone has the power to make me sink to the bottom of the ocean. I take about ten steps forward, and I'm in the water. It's not even up to my knees. I move forwards until the water is up to my hips. The waves are soft and harmless, but it will be high tide soon, and the waves will be as merciless as me.

I swim farther in, every stroke of my arms and kicks of my legs pushing me closer to death. I don't stop. Keep swimming, keep swimming, I think. I am more comfortable in water than on land, but I am being strained, trying to keep my head above water whilst holding a stone. I am strong enough, I tell myself as I swim farther, every muscle in my body burning, I am strong enough. I don't stop until I'm far enough into the ocean that if someone tried to save me, they'd be too late and I'd have already drowned. I relax. I allow my entire body to go limp, like a ragdoll.

And I let my self fall.

The stone is securely wrapped in my arms, and it's taking me down, just as planned. I am not afraid of the water. It is my second home, it is my version of a playground. My head disappears into the lukewarm water, and when I open my eyes underwater, they are attacked my the salt in the water. They sting immensely, but I keep them open. I can see trails of light flooding the waters, and I can see a school of silver fish glint in the faint light.

It's beautiful.

The ocean is beautiful and lively, filled with fish and whales and sharks and so much more. Undiscovered species lie at the bottom of the sea, where my bones will rest. And then my skeleton will break down into dust, which will lie at the bottom of sea for all of eternity, never to be found by any soul.

I sink down, down, down, through the fathoms of the beautiful but merciless ocean. But right now it's calm and I can't feel any waves. I don't fight. I just watch as I sink, the stone in my arms, down, down, down. The light disappears and I can't see the glint of silver fish anymore. The ocean doesn't have that blue-gray and hints of green anymore. It looks dark . . . like black.

I can't see anything.

This is what it must feel like to be blind, except my eyes feel like their on fire. My lungs feel like their on fire as well, like they're about to burst like balloons when someone sticks it with a needle. I won't be able to hold it for long. I going to take a deep, desperate breath for air, but I will take in the salty water rather than air. And I'll die. I know I'm sinking to my death, but I want to die. I want to die so badly, and so I will.

I can't hold my breath anymore. I take a desperate gasp, my body searching for air, but all it finds is water. Fear closes around me, and all I can think about is dying. But I hold onto the stone and force myself to keep sinking, even though my body is screaming urgently at me to swim up. Even if I tried, I couldn't make it. My heart starts to race and adrenaline rushes through my veins, but I am resisting the urge to swim up. And my body stops trying to breathe.

I remember in class, they told us that there are five stages of drowning. The second stage is when all of the airways close up involuntarily. I must be at the second stage. My lungs are filled with water and they're burning, yearning to take a breath of air. Stage three is next. Stage three is when the body shuts down and you go unconscious due to lack of oxygen. That must be what's happening to me right now, because I feel light-headed, like I could just go to sleep . . . .

And I drift off into oblivion.

[Troyan Sinclair has died from drowning]

Word count: 1330