awake my soul || emsrocks

[kendall]

T E M E R I T Y R O S E

"I H E A R T H E B I R D S
O N T H E
S U M M E R B R E E Z E"
_____________________________

Every day I go back to a time when I was free. Free of my family and their games, free to to whatever I wanted to do. Just the word makes shivers go down my spine. Sparking a fire inside my heart that has never been burned out. No matter what happens, I will still have a glowing ember which will one day ignite into a roaring fire that once picked me up and took me to figure our who I really am.

Who am I?

I certainly wasn't this stupid girl who listens to everyone wishes and puts aside her own. That girl was gone. I had been by myself and the only reason why I came back was because I was being begged to come home. And it made me feel wanted. They made it seem like they cared. That was one thing I felt on my trip on the road. I learned that you can't feel whole until someone wants you just as much as you want yourself.

Those faces and laughs were the people that kept me going. I wasn't sure where any of those people were but just imagining them smiling, laughing, crying helped me. At the same time it tore me apart. But I liked the pain and sorrow it brought. Such sweet sorrow.

The games are absolute bullshit. I got so tired of them I like to think that's why I ran away but I came back and here I am just ready to beat the crap out of the family that so called loved me. I had never been very good at training since I gave up. No matter how much I hate my family I could never bring myself to kill any of their precious little egos. Because that's all my family had. I knew better.

As I sit in front of the little pub on the corner of one of the main streets? I am in deep thought. It was as though the turns and dead ends if the streets marked and symbolized times in my life. I hum alone to the patterns of my footsteps so the journey wasn't so lonely and creepily quiet. I was a singer, not a very popular one. But I sang my heart out to the people that would listen. Not many people stop and listen these days. It's amazing how much you can gather from just listening.

So I stop and listen.

People were laughing and talking as they entered the building. I sat and watched them from the ground wondering what was so happy in their life's. Careers, teenagers and adults walked in in little groups just laughing. And here I was sitting alone by myself not wanting to go in because I was alone.

I used to train. I used to train long and hard. I felt like it was the only thing that would save me. Maybe if I trained hard enough I would be able to save myself in the long run. But as I grew older and the people I faced got tougher and the more scars I got I asked myself every day if it was worth all the work. Was it work all the pain and the fatigue. And I sat and thought about it until I would fall asleep in the woods and I finally decided that it wasn't. It truly wasn't worth all my energy.

Something I loved was worth all my time and effort.

Then a new question popped into my mind. What did I love. I loved my parents and my siblings or at least I thought I did. But I loved to sing and feel the wind in my hair. I would die to be free. I would die to feel what it was like to have no one stopping you from doing anything you. I have the love for something I can not do.

My cousins and siblings would die for the hunger games. I know they would. They take everything so seriously. People in this maze would probably kill me if they were allowed too. I can't wait until I am too old for these stupid games. Only one more year after this and I am gone.

Only one more year until I am truly free. I push myself up from the ground of the curb and I open the door to the pub. It was noisy, people's voices and the singers sweet tubes flooded my ears. I lean back by the door of the pub and listen. I was searching for someone, anyone that I knew. Some people just get me. Those people were the people I met when I ran away.

template by chelsey

Ok this is so so long it doesn't have to be this long!!!!

[Knuckles]

Matthias Evander Birch

Life is a cycle constantly going around in a circle. People live, and every day of the year someone dies. We live, and we die- nothing will change. Some lives are ended earlier than anyone ever planned, those twenty-three children who die in the games every single year. Some of them have their destiny placed before them, and others chose their own destiny. When I was younger, all I ever wanted to do was train for the chance of proving myself in the games, and I trained hard. It's what they, my family, expected of me. Every free second of each day was supposed to be spent in the training facility learning how to send swords and knives flying through the air at dummies, which one day would be other children my age. The thought of that was fun, and I had looked forward to it until recently.

Ares ran forward volunteering like it wasn't anything. He ran forward as fast as he can with vengeance in his eyes. He's my cousin, and I looked up to him- I loved watching him train. It all changed the moment the girl from one slammed the long pole sword into his neck ending his life forever. I don't know what happened, but I'm not like him, or them. It wasn't meant for anyone to train seeing as even the best can die. I'm not like him- I don't want to murder anyone, but it's what they expect of me, and nobody seems to understand. It hurts knowing they want me to have no mercy on anyone I'd be stepped in front of. I know if I was in the games, I would kill only because it's what they want- it's expected of us all no matter what, and defying the Capitol would only end in death, and we all know it.

It's been a long time since I stepped out of the house on my own without anyone leading my by the hand towards the training center. Today is a day I've laid out for myself to do anything I want, and nobody can stop me. The streets, packed with people, line the ways pointing in the direction I should travel, yet they steer me away from the alleys where trouble would lurk in the shadows. My eyes glance around the tops of buildings wondering what it would be like to stand on top of them looking down at everyone walking around the district. It'll never be enough for anyone to understand the reality of the matter. Children running around screaming they want to volunteer, they want to be in the games. It's painful listening to them talk about how they'll kill someone without thinking.

A pub, crawling with citizens young and old, looms before my eyes in the distance. People chattering happily away about how amazing life is, how they've never experienced life without watching someone they care about die- they'll never understand the meaning of pain. Slowly, one step after another, my feet carrying me forward. I've always wanted the chance to drawn myself in alcohol wiping away the pain surrounding my body clinging onto my soul tearing it into pieces, but when my feet start climbing the steps, a girl, sitting alone catches my attention. Something about her looks so familiar- like I've seen her before. I quickly shake my head trying to walk away, yet it's impossible to turn away. My mind races as I quickly try figuring it out leaving my eyes fixed on her, staring like a fool.

"Hey, do I know you?"

I quickly raise a hand covering my mouth wondering if she even heard what I had said. It's rude to stare, and that wasn't the best way of starting a conversation. My gaze lowers towards the ground as people keep walking by chattering like nothing is even going on. It never ceases to amaze me how little people actually pay attention to the world around them. Maybe if one of them stepped foot in my shoes for a day, they'd understand the meaning of pain- they wouldn't be so judgmental. I take a deep breath wondering if I should continue on my way and walk inside; that would be rude though since I spoke up starting a conversation. I may not want to be a murderer, but I was raised better than being rude, and I'm supposed to respect everyone no matter what, and respect is all I can do.

Narration 7f8e9d
Thoughts f2dec0
"Hearing 8c8ba9"
"Speech 81a296"
(other b5aa99)

[kendall]

T E M E R I T Y R O S E

"I H E A R T H E B I R D S
O N T H E
S U M M E R B R E E Z E"
_____________________________

Sometimes I like to think I wasn't crying when I was born. When all my siblings were born they made a horrible wailing noise that was just plain annoying. I thought that since I had such a beautiful voice, or so they said, that I the first sound I made in the world was a sweet harmony. I used to tell anyone who would listen it was so until I got to about age 10 and people started calling me out.

Every baby cried. 

That's how crying is viewed. Only babies cried when they were upset or wanted something. And if you weren't a baby but still cried it was some sort of demeaning thing to do. How dare you cry? Stand up and be a man. A crying is just a baby in a man's body. I used to think that. Only the weak cried. But you need to be strong enough to admit you are sad and need help. 

I never cried when I was younger. If I was cut by a training knife, I would push back the burning tears and fight harder. But now, I was smarter then that. I cried for the first time in years when I finally admitted I was strong enough to admit I wasn't strong enough to have no emotions. And once one tear rolled down my cheek it was a waterfall. All my failure, success, memories and achievements poorer down the crane of my neck onto my shirt. 

Ever since I have gotten back, ever since I stepped into the door of my house, it was like I turned the light switch off. All of my emotions were shut down. It was how I tried to fill the void or how much I missed everything I didn't have. Sometimes I liked it, sometimes I didn't. I was an ever changing person. I didn't like just one thing, I wanted a taste of every meal not just one. 

And that's what no one understands that lives with me. They all have their goals so set out. Everything so structured and planned. It gave me a sick feeling. How were you supposed to let life happen if you were planning every little thing out. There is no room for destiny to lead you to the right places. I just want to sit back and let the wind take me where I should be.

If that even made any sense. 

My nimble fingers were tapping against the smooth wooden door frame, softly to the music. I began to hum until someone stopped the harmony in my mind and spoke to me. My fingers froze in mid tap. The glassy gaze in my eyes defrosted and I moved my hair to look at the voice who was talking to me. The boy seemed to freeze in place, as though he wanted to be mistaken for a statue. My eyes follow his defined cheek bones until I met his eyes. 

This man. He was so familiar. 


I knew it was Matthias. He had changed from the two years I had last seen him. Pain and misery had filled his dark eyes. I would never forget a person I met when I was on my journey. Because they helped me find myself and if I forgot them, then I would forget myself. Cocking my head, I smile a little. "I guess it hasn't hit you yet." 

template by chelsey

[Knuckles]

Matthias Evander Birch

A time comes in life when a person needs to step up and make decisions for his/herself. People constantly telling us what to do every day gradually grows old. They think they own us, they think they control us, but they have no control over me. My parents, my family, my friends love to think they can force my body into the training center to train for the games. It's all they care about- getting reaped or volunteering for the games, and it angers me. I want to be my own person, free to chose my own ways of life. I'm not a murderer everyone thinks we all should be living in district two. Ever since the death of Ares, training isn't my top priority anymore. I'm not sure if he'd approve, but it's not my will to die in the games, or kill innocent people.

Lives of innocent people are meant for friendships, not the slaughter shown to us year after year on screen for all the nation to see. It's meant to scare us, to frighten us into never stepping across the line, but the moment someone steps in front of me ready to kill me, I'd fight back. Only a weakling would die without actually fighting, but it doesn't stop me from attempting to make friendships along the road. It's been so long since anyone ever stopped and talked to me, but when my eyes grazed upon the girl sitting on the steps in front of the pug, I couldn't help but blurt out the question- my tongue jumped into action before my brain had the opportunity to think, and it's a terrible situation. I could have remained silent and walked on without any fear.

"I guess it hasn't hit you yet."

My eyes turn towards her again amazed she's even speaking to me. Her voice sounds so familiar, the way she looks, the way her hair sits upon her head- everything about her, but I can't place a name to her face. I turn my head side to side taking in her features little by little trying to jar a memory or anything. So much has changed in my life since my family has died in the games. Losing Cassius wasn't easy, but watching Beatrice be decapitated, Hannah mauled by other bloodthirsty tributes, and the sword slamming into Ares neck broke me of any feelings left in the world. I speak when I'm spoken to, but until that moment, my gaze remains downcast. Names and faces fled my brain forever especially those I hold extremely close.

A light flashes in my brain as her face is placed with a face of one I've seen before, but painful memories surround it- it's like all I'm capable of feeling is pain. My eyes turn away as my face turns down. The tiny smile wipes completely off my face as my eyes glance into her's. Her name has long left my mind, but her face has remained. Water forms in my eyes threatening to drop down my face, but with a couple quick blinks, they go away as fast as they came along. I remember meeting her for the first time- we clicked almost instantly. She was one of my friends, one I swore I'd never forget until that dreaded moment. She walked away, leaving me behind in the world by myself. It had to happen, but the pain will always remain all eternity.

"I know you, but do you really know me?"

Narration 7f8e9d
Thoughts f2dec0
"Hearing 8c8ba9"
"Speech 81a296"
(other b5aa99)

[kendall]

T E M E R I T Y R O S E

"I H E A R T H E B I R D S
O N T H E
S U M M E R B R E E Z E"
_____________________________

Never in a million years, no matter what happened to me, would I want to participate in the horrible games that slay children. The worst part about it is that they manipulate their minds into thinking they are doings something good, something honorable. It's as though the capitol are wrapping their finger around the innocent thoughts and turning the dreams into robots. We are controlled by these games, not united. I once was controlled. It hurts knowing my little sister is controlled by it. 

My sister doesn't really talk much. I have decided she talks to herself in her head and occasionally her stuffed animals that line her window. She's young and niece, it's easy to get inside of her brain. When I was her age, I was just like her. But soon I snapped out of the career funk which more then half my family haven't yet and they are well into their 40's. All I hope is that she understands that there is more to life then bringing played. 

It's hard to watch people you love suffer. I have watched my siblings suffer from injuries and heartbreaks. It's written all over this boys face that he is hurt. He plays it away well but I have a keen eye for that sort of thing. Deep down he is searching for something to hold on too. Just because I don't like the games doesn't mean I am not forced to watch them. To think I have watched his family get murdered is not a good feeling. The pain he must feel is worse then anything I could ever thing of.

I watch as his gaze floats to the ground, searching for words to say or faces he has met. People scoot by me and him as we sit in silence, which isn't unlikely for me the past few months. I ignore the hard glares of blocking the space and just tap to the music that floats around the pub. It's amazing how unaware everyone is. I could probably drop dead and no one would notice anything of it. It's just them, their drinks and sometimes their dates. I wish I could just forget.

But I can't. 

I laugh slightly, quietly and softly. "We met long ago, but it looks like my name has lost itself under the waves of everything that has happened since then." So much has happened. I have learned that life doesn't pause for you until you make something of yourself. It just keeps going. Sometimes, people waste their whole lives and they don't know where it went. 

template by chelsey

[kendall]

T E M E R I T Y R O S E

"I H E A R T H E B I R D S
O N T H E
S U M M E R B R E E Z E"
_____________________________

Never in a million years, no matter what happened to me, would I want to participate in the horrible games that slay children. The worst part about it is that they manipulate their minds into thinking they are doings something good, something honorable. It's as though the capitol are wrapping their finger around the innocent thoughts and turning the dreams into robots. We are controlled by these games, not united. I once was controlled. It hurts knowing my little sister is controlled by it. 

My sister doesn't really talk much. I have decided she talks to herself in her head and occasionally her stuffed animals that line her window. She's young and niece, it's easy to get inside of her brain. When I was her age, I was just like her. But soon I snapped out of the career funk which more then half my family haven't yet and they are well into their 40's. All I hope is that she understands that there is more to life then bringing played. 

It's hard to watch people you love suffer. I have watched my siblings suffer from injuries and heartbreaks. It's written all over this boys face that he is hurt. He plays it away well but I have a keen eye for that sort of thing. Deep down he is searching for something to hold on too. Just because I don't like the games doesn't mean I am not forced to watch them. To think I have watched his family get murdered is not a good feeling. The pain he must feel is worse then anything I could ever thing of.

I watch as his gaze floats to the ground, searching for words to say or faces he has met. People scoot by me and him as we sit in silence, which isn't unlikely for me the past few months. I ignore the hard glares of blocking the space and just tap to the music that floats around the pub. It's amazing how unaware everyone is. I could probably drop dead and no one would notice anything of it. It's just them, their drinks and sometimes their dates. I wish I could just forget.

But I can't. 

I laugh slightly, quietly and softly. "We met long ago, but it looks like my name has lost itself under the waves of everything that has happened since then." So much has happened. I have learned that life doesn't pause for you until you make something of yourself. It just keeps going. Sometimes, people waste their whole lives and they don't know where it went. 

template by chelsey

[Knuckles]

Matthias Evander Birch

People live in this world like nothing is wrong- like they've been brainwashed from the beginning learning life is content, and I would have agreed before, but not it's different. The brainwashing traveled through my brain left the moment life was brought down. It's not a place anyone should live, but there's not much of a choice unless I want to run away, but that would only make me a coward. A question floats around in my brain several times a day wondering if life is really worth living. Is it really worth living in the district knowing my name can be called at any possible second? Is it really worth watching more people I care for die in the games? It's a simple question often asked, but it's one that's rarely answered. I'm alive because they want me to be alive. My life can end at any possible second, and knowing that keeps me going, not for myself, but for my family who was slain for everyone.

My eyes turn towards this girl trying to remember her name- I'm not good at remembering names as they often fly away from all the names I've heard since I entered this world. Names fly through my brain every single day, but it's only a face of a person I'll remember. People ask me all the time if I remember someone, and it's never something worth asking because the answer remains the same- show me the face. It's different here, though, because I see her face, and I know her from somewhere, but I can't remember her name. We talked a lot a couple years ago before my life started spiraling downhill slowly before the loss of my beloved family, but she caused it as well. She walked away, but I'll never know why. It could be beneficial to ask, but it doesn't matter now. Nothing will ever be the same. Life changes every second of every single day. Some is for the best, yet other is for the worse, and it's just a matter of time.

"You left."

The words fly from my mouth before my lips get the chance to stop them. "And so much has changed. I don't remember names anymore. I forget them. I can't remember them. I don't want to remember them cause every year more names are spoken, and I don't want to know if it's someone I love and care about." It's just a game in the eyes of some people, but in my eyes, it's the death of people I cared for. It's best if I don't learn names anymore because it'll only save a lot of heartbreak as life travels forward. Four people I love and care for in three games has only slaughtered the hopes of learning any names other than my family. Will forgetting names truly set me free? A slow breath flies into the air as people continue walking by us like we're invisible, and it's perfectly fine with me. The less people who notice I exist the better. Nobody to hurt when my life flees my body sending my soul into another world where people live in harmony. Does harmony and peace even exist? There's only one way to find out, and it's a journey I'm not ready to take.

Narration 7f8e9d
Thoughts f2dec0
"Hearing 8c8ba9"
"Speech 81a296"
(other b5aa99)

[kendall]

T E M E R I T Y R O S E

"I H E A R T H E B I R D S
O N T H E
S U M M E R B R E E Z E"
_____________________________

So many people believe in something greater then us. A god. Someone who created us besides our mother and father. A greater being to worship and when we die, we go and depending on what you believe you could go to heaven, hell, hades, or reincarnated into something different. And that greater being looks over us and cares for us each and every day. Yet, somehow this man or women has enough time to care for all of us. How is that possible when I can barely keep care of myself? I took Jesus off the dashboard and now I don't know what I am doing with with myself. 

I have been lost for so long in my life. When I was too little to realize I was lost, I would wander around and cry for someone to help me. So small and naive and not sure what I am doing with myself. The first time I realized that I was actually lost was the day I stepped in the maze my uncles and father created. i finally accepted I have do idea where I was going. It was a maze that I didn't realize I couldn't do alone but I had too. 

Confidence is something I have needed or a long time. It was ripped out of my the first time I lost to my cousin or brother or sister in the games the first year I did them. When my confidence left me, I forgot what it was like to feel whole. I went searching for that. So many things had gone wrong besides that. Deaths, losses, sickness all flooded into my life I had to leave. I had to escape. And when I left I lived on the road. I lived off the generosity of strangers and whatever I could take from my parents. 

"You left."

My throat felt as though it swelled so much I couldn't swallow. This poor girls checks blushed a violent shade of pink. The statement makes me feel like I was the bad person in this situation. "You say it as though I had I choice to leave." That I just abandoned him. The more he speaks, the deeper I realize that I did leave him. I walked up and left. Just like everything I have ever done in my life. I just stood up and left. Walked away. 

Was that who I was? Did I just leave when things got tough? I didn't want to admit that maybe I did just leave when things got a little rough. I didn't want to end up loosing someone like Matty did (a name he hates but I called him that) and have it tear me up. But when I left I lost him and everyone else. It tore me up and kept me together all at the same time. For him forgetting sets him free and for me, I have to hold on to stay sane. “If you want to forget something or someone, never hate it, or never hate him. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of something, if you want to forget, you cannot hate.”

template by chelsey

[Knuckles]

Matthias Evander Birch

Life never ceases to exist under the cruelty of the masters in disguise. It blows my mind away as nobody realizes the treatment placed before us as they slam their mighty fist down breaking the hearts of many making it damn near impossible for friendships outside a family to be formed. The mighty fist judging every last one of us allows us to live, and life as I know it has the possibility of ending long before I'd like. It's just a matter of moments as they judge us according to our sins executing those who are deemed unfit. It's only a matter of time before my life is deemed unfit, but nobody knows when that day will come. It's best for those thoughts to remain out of my head, yet it happens every single day. Just look at Ares, and Hannah- strong and brave, yet they didn't survive. They died for the sins of those living back home.

Life is horrible, and I made a friend, for once, outside the family, and here she is sitting before me. It's hard looking at her because the moment I needed her the most, she ran away. Every reaping, my knees stood locked watching and waiting wondering if she'd be the next female I saw making her way towards the stage just as Beatrice did not so long ago. She was brave, she fought well, but it wasn't enough- just fighting isn't enough, and nobody seems to understand that, but I never saw her walking forward and it was always on my mind if she was still alive. It didn't matter, though, because I cared for her, and she ran away. Friends don't just stand up and walk out on others, yet here she is standing before me as though she's asking for forgiveness, but forgiving those who just leave is nearly impossible especially when they return from the ashes.

"No, I guess it wasn't your fault. It's part of the circle of life. People come and people go, never looking back. It's just normal."

My hands open and close occasionally clenching into fists before relaxing gently by my side. My gaze moves around the area looking from person to person wondering how life would play out if nobody had to die, if everyone know could live without a worry in the world, everyone growing old without dying young- yeah, the occasional accident would happen, but it would be so much better than being murdered by other people my own age. A long, silent sigh escapes from my lips flying into the open. That world will never exist as long as I live because every breath is numbered from the moment my life became known. "How can I forget about those I hate? They took them away. They killed them for the entertainment of nation. People watched them die as a joke, a game. I'll never forgive them, or forget those I love as it's too late now."

Every word spoken bounces through my skull sprinting through one ear before being lost in the abyss trapped beneath my brain forever. My hands ball into a fist as they start shaking slightly. It takes every ounce of strength left inside to not break down sobbing in front of her, all the people walking through here prepped for the party inside. It would make me look weak, and I am not weak. My gaze turns towards the ground away from everyone not wanting anyone to see how weak I truly am. I take a deep breath before lowering my hands into my lap. Life just hasn't been the same since the curse started. Year after year more and more children will die, and it's only a matter of time before I am one of those left for dead in the vast area as everyone watches. Will I be the next Birch reaped or will I be lucky enough to survive completely free?

Narration 7f8e9d
Thoughts f2dec0
"Hearing 8c8ba9"
"Speech 81a296"
(other b5aa99)