All Of The Stars [Opal; Standalone]

[cass]

opal earnest

You are my one, and only
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb

Ky.

That was the name she had decided upon. It was short and it was simple, but it was sweet. It was everything her relationship with Potato had been, in the simplest of words.

Ky Earnest.

At first, when she had looked down at him she could pretend that he was just another child, just another baby with any other mother. She could pretend she wasn’t holding her own child, she could pretend that this baby wasn’t part of her and part of Potato. It was easier, that way, easier to feed him, clean him and care for him with robotic movements, none of that extra nurturing caress no calming touches, just movements to keep him alive. That was how it had gone for the first few weeks. Opal Earnest could not bring herself to form any sort of attachment to Ky, in fact it had taken her almost two weeks to even being thinking about a name for him, a month had almost past by the time she had come to a decision.

She’d gazed at his sleeping form and told herself that he was just a child. She’d tried to convince herself to feel nothing for him, because it would only lead to hurt, and she knew enough about hurt to know she would not want to experience it ever again. But that wasn’t the way life worked, every time he opened his eyes her heart skipped a beat, he’d gaze up at her, with this look of complete and loving trust. Every time she saw it she saw him, she saw him staring right at her with those same eyes and she saw him bleeding, she saw him dying and she saw that love and trust fade as he died. And then suddenly she was holding a corpse, another name to the list of deaths, another face to cause her pain and she’d start shaking with that child in her arms. But not once would she cry, not once would a tear fall from her eyes. Then she’d see those eyes again, and that goofy grin, and that child would reach forwards with one hand as if he just knew, and she’d reach a finger forwards and he’d hold onto it.

Then there were moments when even those tiny seconds of peace were almost stolen from her because of pain. Ky had those same eyes; those seem dark eyes that had made her melt – from the very moment she had seen him in those fields. Those were Potato’s eyes and every time he looked at her she couldn’t tear her gaze away and she felt her heart rip into two. Ky was every memory she wanted to keep buried so far into her mind that no one would be able to dig them out. But he was also every memory she never wanted to forget, and he was the anchor that kept it from all shattering. Him and Nightshade, they were the two things that had kept her sane this past year.

Opal would never see Potato’s eyes again, she’d never see them look at her with all that love, she’d never see them light up the way only his could. She’d never see the way they glowed when he spoke about plants, the way they twinkled when he kissed her and told her he loved her. She’d never hear him speak again; she’d never hear that accent again, those polite words, the way he said her name – no one would ever say it like that, no one had ever said her name with that much love, not her mother or father, no one. She’d never feel the touch of his rough hands, those ones stained with has much dirt as her own, the ones that could touch her all over and keep her safe.

She’d never see him grow old; she’d never see him with wrinkles or scars.

Instead she’d be left with a child that was the spitting image of him, she was left with a baby boy that cooed when she picked him up, that cried when she moved away and grabbed her fingers when she moved.

His little hands were warm, they were soft and they were gentle. She wanted Potato. She wanted him to hold this child, to hug him and kiss him and hear him call his name. But Potato Earnest would only ever be a dad in name, he’d never hold his little boy and this little boy would never be able to be wrapped in his father’s arms.

That was the most painful thought of all.

She tried her best to banish those thoughts every time they surfaced. Because that, she knew, would be the end to the fine bit of sanity she clung to. Her emotions would drag her under and she’d drown and not even Nightshade, not even Ky would be able to save her. So she refused to think about it, she refused to think of Potato when she was near Ky, not yet, at least.

She wasn’t strong enough.

After Potato died she’d told herself she’d never love again, she’d walked away from that training centre with her heart wrapped in stone. So many of them had tried to reach out to her, after Mace had told her she was pregnant she hadn’t cared. She hadn’t bothered to even think about it all, instead she had ignored him, she had ignored everyone, and no one could talk to her, touch her or be near her. The aura the through out was as cold as ice. She was sure, no, she was positive that any remaining piece of love, happiness or life had been sucked out of her that day. She didn’t want to feel pleasure or giddiness ever again, she wanted to feel nothing, she wanted the beat of her heart to mean not a single thing, she wanted to walk away from death and life without feeling its presence. The girl that walked away from that training centre was a hollow statue. And for nine months after it all she had not smiled once.

Then Ky happened, and at first she felt nothing for this child, she saw him, and after nine months of feeling nothing she couldn’t summon up a single emotion to feel. Nightshade Earnest had been the only person to stir up anything within her, that girl had told stories and tales and Opal had listened and with every mention of Potato’s name she had felt a tug at her heart. But she had fought that pain down with everything she had, because she had been tired of hurting and thinking about his smile, his lips, his hands, his hair, everything about him was a nightmare. The thought of him holding her was enough to unravel the stitching to her heart, so she tried not to think of him, because to think of him would be to break and to break would be to feel and she couldn’t. She couldn’t do that, not again.

He was her every emotion, he was her everything, so to be nothing, to feel nothing she had to push him away. He was joy and happiness and life and laughter, but he was horror and misery and terror and anguish and in the end she was too scared to feel that kind of pain. The want and need to feel happiness whatsoever was destroyed by her fear.

If it hadn’t been for Nightshade, and the stories and the continuous tug at her heart not even Ky would have been able to shift her emotions. But now when she held him in her arms you could see the smallest of smiles forming on those cold lips. Opal Earnest only had a smile for him.

And her heart? It only continued to beat for his life, for Nightshade and no one else.

And hold me tight
And you'll be alright