iron-jawed creatures | {pillar/morganite}

[umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars]]

morganite shore

" the pretty lies
the ugly t r u t h "

"Stop fixing your hair and come on." Petalite spits, and I look at her standing behind me in the mirror. "Unlike you, I don't just go out and about looking homeless. We have a reputation." She rolls her eyes and disappears, and I stick my tongue out at her absence. She is right, though. I haven't exactly been pacing myself, and the others have all been ready to leave for some time now. Yet another interview about how wonderful being the little brother of Opal Shore Earnest is.

If I had it my way, the Capitol would never come crawling back unless it was dealing with something other than the trash that we should have never taken in. Sure, the older children were never good enough. Emerald and Argonite both died pretty early on. If they would have just waited for me to grow up, they would have gotten their victor, and this one would have actual Shore blood running through his veins. Still, our parents instructed us all to be on our best behavior, and if I am ever going to be looked at as the new golden child of the Shore household, I have to abide by the rules. At least for now.

I finally finish primping myself, and we are all headed for the Justice Building. I do have to admit that this interview is not quite as tedious or annoying, though it's probably because Mrs.Widow herself is in the Capitol claiming to have an actual idea of how she won the games. It's over quickly, and I only want to saw my face off a couple of times before they release me.

Once out the door, I do not know where I want to go, exactly, only that I am not in the mood to deal with my siblings and their woes, so I walk in the opposite direction, and swear I am meeting up with a friend. Though I would not really call the person whose house I end up at a 'friend'. The wrought iron sign reads "FRAY" in large, bolded letters. It's a bit much, but it does well to showcase the family's status. I make a mental note of suggesting to Dad that we get one of our own. (Only better, of course.)

I knock on the door three times, and am greeted by the "Emerald" of the home. He is well over six feet tall, and his name is one more than one of my sisters have been caught whispering to their friends. (I can understand why, I believe.) "Kellan," I say simply. "Is Pillar home?" He leans against the frame, sizing me up. "Pillar? I would imagine you looking for Justice before Pillar." I narrow my eyes at him, wanting to say something, or perhaps slap him, but I know it would only mean my own dismay. Besides, he is already speaking again before I can find the words I would have said, anyway. "She's in her room."

He turns so that I can get past him, and I try my hardest not to bump into him. How could someone so beautiful be such a terrible person? I decide not to pry on it because I am not really known for being a sweet person, and climb the stairs as quickly as possible to get myself away from him. I have been here a few times, and by a few I mean a lot. The big families tend to prefer their children become friends with each other rather than the less-fortunate. (Like Opal, for instance.)

I push her door open without knocking and huff. "Hey. Your brother is the worst, you know that, right?"

[eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris]

PILLAR

FRAY

Ever since my return from the olympics, I've realized that my world is shifting.

"Pillar, I can handle you purposefully failing in your rounds of fencing, but third place in gymnastics?" my "mother" personal devil had started when I walked through the door alongside my "siblings", trudging into my home personal Hell with a wince. "I've heard instructors boast on your skills as a gymnast ever since you were a child, and you lose to your very own sister? Just what are you playing at, girl?" 

- - REWIND: "Oh, that's just Pillar, one of our youngest. Don't mind her; she never really took after any of her siblings. She's such a frail little thing. Graceful on her feet, sure, but let's be honest - what's that good for?" - -

I had only rolled my eyes at my mother, at her sudden praise and sudden woe. I'm nothing but scum under her shoe up until the moment I have something to offer. She slices me raw with her silver tongue on a daily basis, but she never puts me out of my misery.

I'm just an old toy, not a girl. I'm worth nothing to her, but if anyone ever tried to set me free from her grasp - she'd rage war over the thing she never loved.

"Fuck off," I had spat in a small attempt of rebellion, storming past her and into my room. "I'm not playing at anything, either!" I yelled, slamming my door shut and locking it.

Ever since that day I've been realizing the fact that, maybe -

maybe I'm not that scared little girl anymore.

My own tongue has been getting sharper and sharper with each passing moment, and I find myself growing further and further away from my "family" personal tormentors with each fall of the sun and rise of the moon.

I'm no longer the little girl who always hid in her room, sobbing onto the flesh of her knees as she huddled over. No -

I'm not nothing; I'm worth something. I'm strong, I swear. I'm not pathetic; I'm not a disgrace. I swear I'm worth something -

but I have nothing to give.

"Pillar, you seem different," Garnet had told me just a few days ago, and I can't help but to agree. "What's wrong? Where's that ol' Pillar-smile I know?"

Is that the sacrifice I've paid to have inner-strength? My happiness that I had always tried so hard to display?

It wasn't a fucking fair trade.

Because as fiery, ferocious, stubborn, and reckless as I've found myself becoming - 

I can't shake the feeling of being a fucking failure. And I analyze my actions each day. Each narrowing of my eyes and salty comeback, and I notice with each day that I'm a little bit stronger, that people are finally learning to fuck off, but I - I'm at war with myself. Because I've tried all my life to play the part of the pathetic little nothing I was raised to be, that now I can't even release the phoenix that's trapped inside the cage my body has become.

And -

it's -

so -

fucking - 

hard.

I want to fight in this war that I  myself am declaring, but I -

I'm wearing a suit of armor that's just a bit too loose, and I'm carrying a sword that's just a bit too large.

I don't even recognize the fact that I'm fighting back tears until I hear the door to my room snapping open, my form bolting up from my bed and a hand dashing through my straggly locks of gold. "Fuck, I told you I'm not in the mood for training tod-..."

But a voice cuts me off, and it is not my "mother's", or my "father's", or even one of my "siblings'."

"Morganite?" I sputter, blushing furiously and rubbing at my eyes. "Sorry, I was aslee- (No, you weren't.)... I was lying dow- (Try again.)... I was just thinking about some things. (That's it.)"

I move closer to him, ignoring his introductory statement and looking down at my feet, a hand fiddling with my silken nightgown.

"What are you doing here? It's been so long."

What are you doing in this castle? You can't save me from the dragon; I've been alone with myself for far too long.

 

X

 

[umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars]]

morganite shore

" the pretty lies
the ugly t r u t h "

I wonder what people would think if they knew just how true the "Fraysexual" ways of my family. Most of my siblings fell to Kellan's sweet, stern touch. To that, I am completely innocent, but to say relations with any of the people living in this house have never occurred would be a lie.

Memories of District Four's sand and water and sunlight invade my senses, and with those images, I picture him. I see him swimming on the beach, watching the sunset, sparring like the most attractive, graceful lion there ever was, and of course, his eyes inches from my own, his lips pushed into my own, his cheeks flushed. Sadly, these images still frequent my mind. Even in spite of my trying not to. There is a thud on the right wall of Pillar's room, and I remember his room is right next to her's.

"Oh, Kaiser is here?" I ask, ignoring her question and pretending not to notice the water works her eyes display. "Why isn't he like, I dunno, giving you a hard time like always?" Kaiser was a refreshing mystery to me, but like the rest of them, he is wild at heart, an animal hungry for blood and Pillar has always been the prettiest prey for her own family's enjoyment. I want to feel bad for her, but that would make me a hypocrite, since I treat my own adopted siblings as if they are beneath me-- because they are.-- but never have I reached the lengths her brothers and sisters go when it comes to reminding them that they were not supposed to be with us, that they were too weak for their real families to keep.

Besides, I actually enjoy Pillar's company. She is something of an exception, decent in training, actually stunning in acrobatics, (second to her older sister, apparently, but still incredible,) and it's no secret that she is a beautiful young lady. If her brother hadn't already lain claim on me, and if I had not realized I didn't like girls after he did, Pillar would be an object of my affection.

"And If you must know, I am here because we were best friends once upon a time, Ms.Fray." I say with a purr. I wonder if, perhaps, my parents had wanted us to end up together, if maybe they allowed me to see her in the hopes that we would grow up together, realize our feelings for each other. Whoops. If that is the case, then I royally fouled things up when I allowed her brother to pull me out of the darkness of the closet I had been living in my entire life. Though, in all honesty, I had always had my doubts about girls. The feelings never really... seemed to be there. I always admired male victors, muscled and dirty and adorned with a golden crown and victory shining from their every pore, and always saw myself fitting in with girls more than boys, but I guess, ass cunning as I claim to be, I was never smart enough to put two and two together until Kaiser Fray locked the door to my room behind him.

"And I guess I just... missed you. But don't repeat it or I'll ruin you."

[eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris]

PILLAR

FRAY

Morganite begins with acknowledging Kaiser's existence, something that he's just up until now done for me. I remember as children that our parents always pushed us together, always ushered us to dance at all the galas and parties. We had been close once, and I believe that he had been my first crush as a little girl, but I was always wise enough to sense something rather - er, flamboyant - about him.

His voice when he speaks of Kaiser seems to strike a chord within me, and I have to bite my lip as not to blurt out "So? You're out of the closest now, or?", opting to instead allow him to continue on with his speech. 

"We were best friends once upon a time, Ms. Fray," he chimes, and I find myself looking down. Time is irrelevant. Time is fucking pointless. We're born, we live and we suffer, and then we die. Time's just an excuse to waste time, to procrastinate our sins and dreams into oblivion. 

I smashed the clock in my room just a week ago.

He continues on that he missed me, and I laugh. Maybe it's just my new bitchy attitude controlling me, but I can't help it. My eyes are dry now, my mind shifting to stubborn and proud from fragile and submissive in just a moment's notice, and I tilt my head.

"Oh, really? You missed me? Funny," I chuckle, as if this is all just a joke. As if it's no longer just my life that's the punchline, but the entirety of our world in general. "If you missed me, why'd you go? Yeah, we were friends, but then you just left." I look down again, clenching my jaw.

Let it out; let it the fuck out, I urge myself internally. The time chance to let my feelings be heard is now, and it seems that ranting and bitching has become my only speciality as of late.

"You think I didn't realize that you thought you were better than me? That the first time your mom forced us to talk, you looked like you could vomit?" I say, laughing all the same, pacing about my room. "I felt so insecure and shy around you, and at first I refused to let myself get close to you out of fear, and then-...," my laughter stops, and my voice takes on an odd tone that is somewhere between strong and detached. "Then you started to get me, understand me, and I felt that you actually cared. That I actually meant something to you, that I actually meant something to anyone for once in my life, and I-.... Yeah, you were my first friend, and then-...," I want to let go and cry as I rant, but I clench my fists and refuse it. I refuse to be weak right now, I refuse to be anything but strong enough to confront one of the many people who have hurt me.

"Then you left me, Morganite. You left me, and I felt so fucking worthless. Everything that you built up in me came tumbling down, and it took me so long to trust again. Hell, Corran and Garnet are practically my only friends now, and I-... I can't. I don't think I can. I just-... I just don't I can let you back in." I'm still looking down at this point, face blank and limbs limp.

"You're always going to be better than me, and you know it. So, why even come back? Why even waste your time on me?"

(Pillar, no! Don't slip back into fragility; rage war!)

"Don't Morgan. Don't waste your time on me. You're great, and I'm nothing. I'm insecure, and yeah, I'm worthless. Go on, leave. Let me feel worthless again, don't build me back up. I'm okay with it. I'm okay with feeling like this."

(What are you okay with? Can you even make up your mind?

Strong or weak, what the hell are you?)

- I am Pillar Fray, and, darling boy, just don't waste your time on me.

 

X

 

[umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars]]

morganite shore

" the pretty lies
the ugly t r u t h "

People know I have always, always had a silver tongue and acid in my throat. I say what hurts when I need to assert my dominance, because lets face it, all of the training in the world isn't going to change the fact that me against a hundred other people my age that have the same set of skills could still destroy me. I learned that from a young age, when at first I thought training made me strong, made me more important than others when really, all it did was pull me up to speed with my peers. I am not supposed to be average. I was never supposed to be average.

I was born to rule.

So I learned what made people tick, trained myself more than any instructor could, and now look at me. People dare not insult me for fear that I'll expose them as some kind of disfigured monster that they truly aren't. I am a king, a god among insects, just as my parents have always taught me and my brothers and sisters.

I narrow my eyes at the willowy blonde as she slowly slips into some godforsaken insanity, shouting nonsense and insults and, since I am laying everything else out there I might as well throw in the complete truth, quite a few pieces of honest flaw on my own part. I let her finish, and then offer a light chuckle. "Are you done yet?" Ah, the good-old sarcasm i have always depended on is definitely pushing the words out of my mouth. "Look, whoever it is you are mad at needs to be the one getting this shitstorm, and say what you want, but I know you aren't being a little bitch to me right now because we lost touch. Beause you know that is just as much your fault as it is mine, Pillar. Actually, it is kind of more so your fault. Because I came to you, didn't I? I could be somewhere else and you wouldn't even have me anywhere in your mind!" I stand and place a hand on my hip, pursing my lips at the writhing girl.

She looks more intimidating now than she used to. She is as tall as me, possibly even a bit taller, and she has filled out more. Her long hair shines a bit brighter and her eyes have grown darker, her skin definitely paler. She looks like she has experienced the cruelties of life, now. Pity. Or it would be if she wasn't taking that out on me.

"Yes, I thought I was better than you, Pillar. But you know what? That wasn't my fault. I was taught to believe I was better than anyone, and you need to calm your A-cups on that issue anyway, because it's not like I still think you are beneath me!" I stop for a second, trying to decide if I have said enough, and realize I don't want to stop just yet. "Or do I? Who knows? Used to I didn't, but with this new pity-party version of you, I just might think so. Everyone has problems, Pillar. If you really wanted to see me that bad you would have gotten off your sobbing ass and found me."

We used to fight like this all of the time. even as children we fought for power, and it was always Pillar that had the good heart to back out and let me have the crown. Pillar has always been weaker. I know this, and I plan on using it against her, because I'll be dammed if this is the time I let her win, when she dares to throw me over the edge and not even bother to wave as I plummet into the darkness.

I cross my arms over my chest and breathe. It is all the truth, and I don't regret a single word. Pillar seems to have forgotten that I am sort of viewed as the weaker party in my own family too, that I am nothing important either. Sure, I'm not adopted, but if I were, I would own the living fuck out of it because I am who I am and I am damn good at it. I reclaim my seat on the edge of her bed and roll my eyes. "Oh, and I'm not going anywhere, hon. Not even if you beg."

[eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris]

PILLAR

FRAY

The urge to slap him is overwhelming, my fists clenching together in anger instead of uncertainty for once. His flamboyancy shines brighter than ever, and he's as great at arguing as he had been when we were children. He always knew the right things to say, the right daggers of acidity and bitchy bluntness to send flying straight into my psyche. He could always tear me down with ease, and I always let him. I always let him win, always let him prove his dominance. 

It's all I ever did growing up - letting others destroy me, too scared and too fragile to fight for myself. Always allowing myself to be stepped upon, to be the weakest link in every occasion I ever took part in. Verbal attacks were old friends of mine, lovers of my fragile and broken mind, and I always welcomed them into my life without a second's notice.

Morganite is so much more secure than me, so much stronger. He owns himself, all his perks and all his flaws. I, on the other hand, drown in the reckless, churning sea that is my life. My lungs fill with the water of my sins daily, and I sputter and choke on the dreams of mine that lodge themselves in my throat, suffocating me both so serenely and so horrifically.

All I've ever done is let myself be torn down, always given up and bowed out - always set myself on fire just to let people feel warmth in favor of their icy hearts. But not today. Not today, not now. I'm tired of being the weakling, the loser. So when I grasp the nearest object in my reach - (it just had to be my favorite vase; fuck my luck) -, I send it flying towards his head with a guttural scream.

It smashes into shards against the wall behind his form, and I'm not sure whether I intended for it to miss him or if my aim just royally sucks, but a part of me is glad that I missed. Just for a second.

I charge forward, grabbing at the collar of his shirt and jerking him close to me. Once more I battle with the urge to cry, and the urge to fight. I give into both as I shove him away and onto my bed with a sobbing screech.

"Not today!" I yell, my normally self-composed figure giving nary a damn as to what anyone might hear or think of me. "Not this time, Morganite. Not this fucking time! You can't turn this around on me, can't make yourself out to be a fucking saint. You're at just as much fault as I am, and how dare you waltz into my house and act like you own it!" I'm heated, and I'm full of rage -

I've been so angry lately, and I can hardly control myself when I slip into the fires of my ferocity. 

I -

just -

need -

the -

fucking -

release.


"I'm not backing down this time, Morgan. No. I'm not letting you win. I'm not that same little girl. I'm not her. I'm not fucking her!" I continue, not even caring what the prissy bitch (Best friend? Wasn't he my best friend, once?) thinks of my sobbing, furious face.

(Does he even care?)

"I've never claimed to be perfect, so how dare you try to pin it all on me! How dare you. How fucking dare you!" - How dare he what? Am I screaming at him, or everyone?

(How dare the fucking world ruin me.)

"I'm not weak. I'm not worthless," I cry, hands rubbing at my eyes frantically. "I'm not a failure, okay? I'm-... I'm not nothing. All my life, it's all I've ever been called. A mistake, a worthless formation of nothing, and I-... I can't. Morgan, I can't. I can't be that girl anymore. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of being nothing, of looking in the mirror and hating myself." I lean against my bed, more broken and devastated than angry in this moment.

"I'll never stop hating myself, but-... Please, Morgan. Just-... Don't hate me. Don't hate me, please. I know I'm fucked up and stupid and reckless, and I-... Just please don't hate me. Oh, Ripred, fucking please!" I continue to sob, clutching at my bed's framing to keep me stable, desperate to find something to make me feel secure for once in my life.

Just please don't hate me, Morganite - 
'cause I already hate my fucked up, worthless self.

 

X