Let the light fade {Animus death post}

[kousei ♚]

(A N I M U S + V A L E N T I N E)

No lyrics, just instrumental

When I was younger and I watched the games I saw many tributes die. When they died there would be a few muttering apologies, crying out for their friends and families, begging not to die or just simply being stupid. I'd always shake my head at their foolishness. And even as I lie here, excruciating pain running through my body, I still think that they were foolish. No one's come to help me, no one's ever coming to help me. I didn't even see who did it, I just felt a blinding flash of pain across my head, it ripped through my mind and into my brain and before I knew it I had simmered.

Well, shit.

I couldn't even yell out, my legs just betrayed me and now I'm face down on the ground, the light faded and I'm covered in slime and my own blood. It hurts. Deep, red smiles are riddled across my body and grin in mockery of my uselessness; my ruined state. Stop smiling, stop smiling, stop smiling. Any small piece of movement sends waves of excruciating agony - my own pain receptors are telling me it's time to lay down and die.

Fuck.

Why does everything seem to mock me? (People, Gamemakers, my own body).

It seems that everything I did had been for nought. Maybe it would've been better if I'd never been made (seventeen years is just not enough for anyone) does the whole universe see fit to mock me? Giving me life with one hand, giving me life for seventeen yearx before ripping it away with it's other hand out of nowhere. They weren't even a good seventeen years.

(Four eyes, nerd, lanky, prick, weirdo)

Those words echo through my mind, in a grim parallel with the white hot excruciating pain that's circling it's way around my body, making me grunt and moan with every twitch, every piece of movement. The words are a variety of imaginary oscillations, circling my brain and filling my thoughts, bouncing around my skull like it's a cave and just never leaving. (Four eyes, nerd, lanky, prick, weirdo. They won't stop, they can't stop but I want them to stop.

Please.

Long ago I built a wall of ice and stone to stop the insults from getting to me. From worming their way into my mind and filling my thoughts with nothing but torment and making me angry, making my cry, making me upset. I built the walls around myself to stop myself from doing something I regret. It was emotionally numbing but that was a good thing. It kept my together, it meant they couldn't do anything to me, it meant I could live out my seventeen years in peace and not worry about my defences crumbling.So why do they crumble now when I need them the most?

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shout but the caves only cruelly reflect my shaking voice back at me, letting it my words echo back at me in another cruel mockery. (Four eyes, nerd, lanky, prick, weirdo.) They go on and on like a broken tape recorder, whispering, going right past my wall and right into my brain and worming it's way deeper and deeper inside. Somewhere, deep inside of me knows they'll never leave, they'll stay there forever and ever until I lose my mind. But does it even matter? No one would care because I'm a failure.

I could solve X, I could solve Y, I could solve anything any stupid teacher put in front of me and solve it with minimum effort but I couldn't solve it where it counted. I could never find the answer to my own survival. I could theorize, I could only speculate and hope I was right but I knew that I would only knew if I was the last man standing in this arena that will be my own tomb. This whole thing is like a cruel joke. Everyone must be laughing at me, hell even I'd be laughing at me. I'd be saying how pathetic I look, how much of a failure I am, all this speaking of solving equations, being smart but not where it counts.

Well that's just another thing to mock about me.

(Four eyes, nerd, lanky, prick, weirdo)

"Please-" I whisper to the voices, I want them to stop. I desperately want them to stop. This excruciating agony on my body is nothing compared to the repeated knocks I'm getting on my brain. When people said words can be hurtful I always thought they were imbeciles, that was when I thought my wall of ice and stone was unbreakable, I thought it couldn't breached and I thought I was invincible. But they hurt, they hurt more than all these red grins on my body put together.

My arm twitches and I feel something sticky that's not the slime. It's my life's blood. It's pooling around me, spreading out like a crimson puddle. Anything to get away from me I guess. If I had to spend all of my time trying to keep some annoying human alive I'd try to escape the first chance I got as well. "Please, come back. I croak at the blood that's running away from me. I don't want to die but the thing that's keeping me alive is running away from me.

That's just another thing to mock about me.

(Four eyes, nerd, lanky, prick, weirdo)

I raise a shaking hand and drag myself forwards and in response more agony is washed over my body. What am I even doing? I don't even know but my arm continues dragging me and my legs keep propelling me. "Fuck! I spit. The constant waves of agony is unbearable so my body stops moving. "Never should've tried in the first place." I croak, staring face down at the darkness.

Is this all that I can expect? Unending darkness.

That's the thing about death, it's so uncertain and that's what makes me fear it. That's what makes me tremble at the thought of it and when my name was called out I was genuinely afraid.

Will I see the other dead? Will I see the past?

Or will I just...

...disappear.

Anything's better than this agonising experience.

Please, someone make it all stop, someone make it end and I don't care now.

(Four eyes, nerd, lanky, prick, weirdo)

I wish someone would come back, I wish someone would come back and slit my throat because I can't handle this. The constant waves, the feeling of being slowly broken down until I'm nothing. Their blades tore me apart, tore my skin open and bit down into my flesh until I was nothing but a useless hunk of meat, bleeding out into the slime and slowly dying. "Why couldn't they finish the job?" I croak out again but as always the caves mock me by echoing my voice back at me.

I guess that's just another thing to mock about me.

(Four eyes, nerd, lanky, prick, weirdo)

I'd always begged to be able to leave District nine because it was a shit hole, I'd wanted to go onto bigger and better things. I'd wanted to be someone. Here I am, eating those thoughts. Now I'd give anything to go back, I'd give anything to go back, wear my glasses and do anything to survive. We were starving, it was less than ideal but it's better than this. Everything's better than this. Anything to go back to being that student, to being just another molecule in the sea of grey that was District Nine.

"I want to go home!" I scream but then the cave only echoes it back, rejecting what I want straight away. I groan and look up to only see the darkness staring back at me. Is that all I'll see? Is that all I'll become? Maybe I'll just become one with the darkness - I'll just disappear. It doesn't seem so bad.

But that's just what I'm assuming, getting false hope. It could be anything, I'm going on a voyage into uncertainty.

I hate it, I hate the uncertainty, I hate dying. "It's not fucking fair!" I groan. I slip my glasses off my face and throw them onto the ground. "It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair! I cry out, allowing tears escape my eyes and slip down my cheeks. The cave only echoes my voice back like it has been doing all this time and I think I'm going to lose it.

Esme or Crusader - it has to be one of them that wins. I hate everyone else in this bloody arena - I hate them all and they should all join me, they'll die as well. Is it even possible to die any worse than this. But Crusader and Esme, they don't deserve to die. I know I'm being selfish. None of these other kids deserve to die but I want them to. The universe mocked me my whole seventeen years of living. Please, at least give me that. And then maybe I can die content.

Die.

I can't comprehend it.

(Four eyes, nerd, lanky, prick, weirdo)

Perhaps they should add failure onto there as well. Because that's all I am and that's all I will be.

Seventeen years.

I'll never grow old, I'll never become someone.

Not after only living for seventeen years.

Maybe it's just the inescapable reality. I'll just...

...disappear.

I hope so.

I cough and I feel myself slipping away because the blackness becomes a shade lighter, as if it's blurry. But the agony is still going fresh and strong, if anything the voices get louder as I feel myself disappear, as I feel my fire simmer and die. I violently cough and sputter one last time as my body violently shakes, sending fresh waves of agony through my body and it goes on, and on, and on.

And then the black turns into white (the first piece of white I've seen in days and it's a relief). I never want to see black again.

The pain, the shaking, it all just stops. And I think I'm happy because I think I'll be left in peace, I feel relief wash over me.

(Four eyes, nerd, lanky, prick, weirdo)

And then my wall, my moment of relief, my peace and quite... it all comes crashing down around me.

(You failure).

WC:1692

~End of Animus Valentine~

[kousei ♚]

Credits

Noah Vau - D2 (Cato): You accepted me into your alliance when I had no one else to go to man. The Guardians was an awesome games experience for me and we won thread of the month so yay! I hope Crusader makes it far and he gets to grow and develop.

d9 kristof parks {ems}: For being another awesome ally, our alliance chats were truly really fun to be in, all these strategy and planning sessions that we went through. And yay thread of the month! I hope Esme makes it far and grows at develops in the direction you want her to go.

charade: You, sir, are such an awesome ally. You were like the Tywin of our group and you were so good at planning and stuff. Sorry Kirk couldn't develop more and get further, he was legit my favourite tribute and he really should've gone farther.

Baby Wessex d9b [earthling]: For sponsering that 6k to everyone and for being there to talk when we needed it. You were really helpful. ^^

Luaya: For creating this site and putting so much time and effort into making these games the fun experience they have been. Thank you for answering my countless and seemingly silly questions and being so patient with me.

rook: I don't know why you just always have to be here. Joking, you have always been fully supportive of me whenever I've been in the games even though we're never in the same alliance and these games were no exception.

An afterthought

So these games have admittedly been quite fun and I have had fun writing with Animus and having him grow even if it wasn't much. These aren't my first games and I certainly hope they aren't my last but I just feel like people need to remember the games are ultimately about having fun writing. It's not all about offending friendship groups or being scared of friendship groups or friendship groups being mad at each other. It's not about being the scariest bunch or screwing people over because they don't side with you or for not fulfilling the status quo. When it turns into that the fun is sucked out of the games and it just leads to hurt feelings and dead tributes. I hope things aren't like that again and people remember the true meaning of the games. We're all friends here and I hope it stays like that.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is play to have fun. Don't take it seriously, it's just a game in the end and what are the point of games? To have fun.

Just thought I'd throw that out there.