A Heavy Heart [Crusader Day 4]

[Noah Vau - D2 (Cato)]

Crusader Rhodes
district 11 male of the 68th hunger games

I fled. Leaving Stella had to be the most difficult thing in the world. I originally intended to let myself be killed by mutts. I didn't want to see Animus and Kirk's faces in the sky. To see that would mean goodbye. I've never been good at goodbyes. Thankfully Esme's face didn't appear in the sky. Had she been there fighting with me there's no doubt in my mind that I would have failed to protect her as well. How foolish I was to think those people wouldn't attack my allies. Stella even killed one of my friends right in front of me. What if I wasn't so worried about seeing her? Would Kirk have lived? What about Animus? Both are dead because of my failure to help them fight their attackers. It's why I had to leave that scene. To escape however futile the guilt. The pain threatens to overwhelm me. I miss them so much. I'm alone now and that's justice In my eyes. To live with the guilt.

It's dark and loud. I'm not sure where I'm heading since I can't see anything. Part of me hopes Esme is lurking in the shadows, but the other part of me doesn't want to find her. I don't think I could look at her without seeing Kirk standing next to her. I can't force myself to go through that because Kirk is dead. I watched him die. I watched Animus die. It was supposed to be us four for as long as possible, but Esme went missing, and my two other friends died. It's best if I'm alone. I'll be able to do what I want. I don't have to worry about accidentally attacking anyone that wasn't meant to be harmed by me, but it's lonely, and I don't like it. I don't want to be here anymore.

I raise the sword to my neck. Bringing it inch by inch to the flow of blood in the veins. I'm not sure how much of this I can take. I've left Stella. I broke my promise to her. She must have disappointment and maybe even hatred for me at this point. Knowing that, I don't want to live anymore. Back on the train ride to the Capitol, I made that promise to protect her. I've broken it not once but twice. First when the bloodbath happened along with last night when I left her. My arm holding the sword falls to my side. I remember the sight of Stella killing kirk the same way with her knife. I can't do it. I'm afraid. Afraid of dying. "Mom? Dad? I need you guys. Please." I can feel the tears dripping down my cheek. I miss my parents. More than anything I want to be with them.