Do or Die (JB!Blitz Zori/Cait)

[Tom]

• L e v i • I z a r - K r a n e •

Does , Says , Hears, Thinks

The idea of what Levi had done was settling in. His mind was brought to another safe place. He'd hide within himself. The reaping was all too fast. He swore that he had heard another person scream his name in the crowd and had been taken away. Levi could take a guess on who it was, most likely his mother or a cousin of his. He was always known to act on impulse. His impulse today was the worst one of all, it could end up costing him his life. His eyes watched the door intently. The boy knew that if anyone showed up it wouldn't be his ma. She was sick at home and should stay there. He wanted someone to come though, it was something that would drive him crazy if no one came to talk to him and calm his nerves.

Levi's thoughts would drive him crazy if no one came. He had been sitting there for a long while now, no one was there yet. His mind raced at a killer speed for him. What if no one came. What if no one cared. What if- His thoughts were cut off by the door opening. Levi's face brightened, "Sampson. Thank ripred, someone came." Sampson looked upset. After all, Levi could understand. This was the kid who watched Iago and Benat both die on the television. Sampson wasn't the same as he had been. He wanted to be left alone, he pushed Levi out of his life for awhile and Levi felt lonely. He didn't talk much to his cousins at all. Now, Levi regretted it. The not spending time with his cousins. He might not ever see them again. Before Sampson could even react, Levi's arms moved their way around his younger cousin into a warm hug. Only a whisper left his lips, "I'm gonna miss you."

OTHER
Words: 000

[Deleted]

Sampson Izar	[----]
District 11	[Notes: some heart breaking]

And If You Close Your Eyes

It’s a funny thing, coming back to the justice building. I remember this room, watching Benat bend on a knee and tell me to be strong. He’d looked into my eyes and I thought, this can’t be the last of him. Because in the stories that he would tell me, good men don’t die, they live forever. Fairy tales are just that though, they’re stories we tell one another to have hope. He’d come back in a box, not more a hero than he’d ever been. In the years that have come and gone, I don’t forget what he gave, and what he taught me. Be good to one another, okay? His last words are etched underneath my eyelids, and even as I stand in the doorway, watching Levi contemplate his last moments in District Eleven, I know I have to be strong, and be good.

Sampson. Thank ripred, someone came. We had all been closer when we were younger. Running around the watering hole, or through the fields playing hide and seek because we were Izars, and Izars looked out for one another, no matter what. Levi had been—I scrunch my nose, thinking—he’d always been good at hiding. He was second to Benat in trickery, though not quite forcing himself to center stage. I’m still thinking, wondering what words to say to my cousin (am I really the only one to come?) when he wraps his arms around me in a hug. I'm gonna miss you.

I close my eyes and hug back, my skinny arms tight around his frame. “Hush now,” I start, the lump in my throat building. “Won’t be long before you get back here, and we’ll be together again” I say. I want to believe, I have to believe it. He needs hope, he needs something—luck? Luck. I snap my eyes open and pull back. I shove a hand into my pockets and search—not there but,—I pull back and open my fist for Levi to see. “It’s for you.” A white rabbit’s paw, browned from the years cradled to my body, keeping me safe. “It was Benat’s. He had it when..." I swallow. "Always kept me safe.”

Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

HAYANA OF CAUTION 2.0

[Cait]

n e k a n e

I’m a mess.

This dress smells of stale alcohol and the shoes on my feet barely cover my toes and my hands itch to tease the loose strands of hair that hang around my face, for maybe then nobody will see what a disgrace I am, despite knowing that I’m nothing more than a misguided ghost amidst a name torn to ruins.

It’s a desert, and even though the cemetery is beyond the town square I would know, so many nights searching for Sampson, walking past forgotten names but that won’t be us it can’t be us the journey to the Justice Building is a different form of finality. One accompanied with uncertainty, possibility, a chance that we’ll see those we’re saying our goodbyes to again. Cemeteries are nothing more than dungeons for dreams to die within. The goodbyes there are unrequited.

Moving through the doors, it’s Sampson I see first, and I’d never admit it to him but there’s too much fear coursing through my veins upon seeing him standing there with Levi because it could have been him, it could still be him. It’s not him, though, and my racing heart slows as they pull away.

A rabbit’s paw, and I swear I’ve told him too many times that luck is a myth and tokens are nothing but painful to hold onto, that happiness is something we’re never to be entitled to, but now, I can’t find the words.

There’s nothing but ice in my stomach, nothing to fuel the words behind my tongue that are simply not there. And I’m freezing in a dress too short for my own liking but my arms are on fire and I’m here and it’s more than I can admit to having done in the months leading up to another Izar sendoff, and for a moment, it doesn’t feel so cold in this Building.

But it’s a blizzard. It’s standing in the doorway and accepting the cool winds of fate as you rush towards a stranger another face you’ve let down, because even through the false promises a hug can deliver, the whispers of apologies ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Levi,’ we all know how this story ends.

Us Izars are nothing less than cursed, after all.

[Tom]

• L e v i • I z a r - K r a n e •

Does , Says , Hears , Thinks

The feeling of the hug warmed Levi to the bone. Someone cared. Someone would miss him. Someone would hope for him to come home. "Hush now," Levi almost said mama to Sampson. The words sounded like the words his mother would use to comfort him when he was stressing about something. “Won’t be long before you get back here, and we’ll be together again” Levi wanted to believe the little Izar, but how could he. He had just thrown his life away. He could die in the arena and come home in a bag. He could be brought home in a bag just like a soldier killed in action. That's al he was in the games, a soldier fighting for his mother.

Sampson then shoved something into his hand. The fuzzy fur on it was what freaked Levi out for a second and then he recognized it. A rabbit's paw. Those were used for luck, but Levi could have all of the luck in the world and still fail. Levi smiled softly and Sampson continued. “It’s for you.” Levi feels like he should start crying, but he has t be rave. He has to be strong. He has to be strong for Sampson. “It was Benat’s. He had it when..." Levi knew what Sampson meant. It was Benat's when he was in the games. "Always kept me safe.” Levi smiled at his cousin and wrapped his arms around him again.

After breaking away again, Levi quickly went to putting the rabbit foot on his belt loop of his nice clothes that he had worn for the reaping. Levi looked down and was pleased with himself for putting it on where he can see it. Levi's eyes watched Sampson for a second. He could see the sorrow that was in Sampson. The guilt of volunteering hit him hard now. It wasn't until he saw someone feeling sorrow and sadness that everything truly sunk in. That's when the door opened again. His head spun with people who it could be. His mother. Another Izar. Freya. It could have been anyone. Then he saw her. Nekane, his cousin.

Arms wrapped around him and he almost feels like he's just going on vacation, but he wasn't. He might never get a vacation in life. That's when she spoke. "I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Levi." Levi broke away and smiled. His eyes probably showed the sadness and guilt he felt, but hehad to do this for ma. Her voice echoed in his head, 'Ma's not gonna around for every, baby. I'm gonna go to a special place.' "How much time do you have left? I can't lose you too." 'I only have a few years baby. Be a good boy.' Levi broke from his trace and spoke without falter, "No need to be sorry, Nekane. I was the one after all to volunteer. There's nothing to worry about. I have it under control." Levi knew those words weren't true. He had nothing handled. He was screwed. The souls of the Izars screamed at him in sorrow and all he coud do was pretend that he was going to be okay. But Levi knew, he was a goner.

OTHER
Words: 000

[Deleted]

Sampson Izar	[----]
District 11	[Notes: some heart breaking]

And If You Close Your Eyes

What do we tell each other, when we may never see each other again. We’ve got two, maybe three minutes before they drag us out the door. He’s got to be scared, even if he knows what he’s done. No one from District Eleven has come back on that train, not while any of us have been alive. I try to imagine what it would be like for Levi to wear the crown but, it’s hard enough just imagining him making it out the bloodbath alive. Not because I don’t think he’s capable—he might be the last of us left that could manage not to get stabbed in the neck. It’s that I’ve got so little faith left in the rest of them, of people who swear they’re going to be good, and then tear out your eyes, I’ve got to prepare myself for it. Steeling yourself for the inevitable makes the crash easier, no matter how hard you hit the ground.

Nekane comes in smelling of booze and it’s no different than the nights she’s spent tending to us, in our family. Suppose someone’s got to deal with all they’ve been put through, of having to manage a family falling apart from the inside. How many of us will make it past reaping, so that we can watch our children, and our children’s children squeeze through these years? We were all so close to the end I just… I can’t think of how it’ll be to add another name to the graveyard, or stand up on that stage again. And then Nekane takes all the wind out of me, whisperin how sorry she is. We’re all sorry. This place can’t get no more miserable—you either live long enough to turn to dust, or get snuffed out before it’s too late.

He’s got Benat’s token now—and for a second, my mind turns. There have been so many moments in these walls, how many of them focused on the sorrow, or the pain? The lump is in my throat still but, I think that Levi’s last moments shouldn’t be about that. They should be about love. About how all us Izars are here together, that we ain’t going to forget one of our own. I clear my throat and do my best to smile, because you can fake it until you make it (Benat would always say) even if it hurt. I rub a hand under my nose and take a step. We could fill this space with something positive, give him something better than tears. From all of us.

“Remember,” I start soft, “Remember when all of us chased one another by the creek? Ka-ne you fell over Benat and I couldn’t stop laughing, and then,” I smile wider, “Levi you jumped over and made a cannon ball. You were real good at that, you know? Always real good at sneaking up on folk,” I say, my voice cracking. “Always real good at that.”

HAYANA OF CAUTION 2.0

[Cait]

n e k a n e

There are lies – too many of them – in this world, each laced with traces of unreachable possibilities, each holding last remnants of hope when they rattle your bones. They protect us from the things we don’t want to believe. They’re a way of life; I stopped believing them when I lost count of the innumerable tragedies spoonfed to me, from mouth, to ear, and back again.

‘I have it under control.’

one.

‘There’s no need to be sorry, Nekane.’

But he’s wrong, and there’s another lie because there’s so much to be sorry for, so much more than I could ever hope to admit. Proof resides in my bedside drawer in the letters addressed to the dead that should have been discarded years ago to make room for new memories – second chances to be a family, for those original memories seem like a lifetime away.

two.

Silence stretches out; we breathe it like the dust in our clothes, like the fraying threads struggling to hold a collapsing family together.

I’m grateful for the breakage.

‘Remember when all of us chased one another by the creek?’

And I want to remember – I so desperately want to remember ‘falling over Benat’ and Sampson when he ‘couldn’t stop laughing’ and Levi when he ‘jumped over and made a cannon ball.’ Because those are the memories we’re meant to hold on to. Those are what we tell our children in a happier life – one with a happier beginning, middle, end.

But I don’t remember.

All I remember are letters, and none of them were for Levi. Not a single fucking one.

Racing hearts, shallow breaths that I try to stifle but this room is suffocating with all the tears we’re yet to shed, all the lies that plague our name hanging in the air, suspended in limbo. The pulse beneath my chest is not my heart, can’t be my heart, for it feels like I can’t stand to have one with the disintegration of those tiny shards I’ve taken for granted for far too long.

I wear a small smile with the same disgust as I wear the dress that won’t cover my knees.

‘I remember.’

three.