chasing me demons {loony}

[k!ah]

Ariel Porter 

"Ariel why do you have to be such a pain in the ass? Why cant you just listen and do as your told, why do you have to make things so difficult- Ariel why?" Her voice is dangerously low, her fingers digging into the flesh of my wrist. I try not to flinch as the voice laced with venom, I try to to recoil as spit flew from her lips. I dont answer her questions, just dropping my gaze only making her hold me hand so tight that it begun to hurt, her arm shaking it backwards and forwards viciously. "Why cant you be a good-"

"Get off of me! Let me go!" I scream ripping my hand from her grasp, my eyes alight with the start of tear. "Leave me alone mother go away, leave me alone!" I scream my lips pulled back in a snarl. I didn't have to explain myself with it was so clear, I shouldnt' have to put it into words when it was always written on my face, on my body on everything I did for them, for her. I shouldn't have to say anything. 

So I don't. 

"Just leave me be!" I scream before running from the room, listening to the door slam. It would be hear throughout the whole house, even my sister would hear it and she would probably be hurt, be scared and guilty because she will blame herself (it was her fault tho... no. no it wasn't. She didn't ask to be sick, she didn't beg to be dying.)

Running from the house I am on the street now, my feet carrying me further and further away from my home. I don't run towards the center of town though, I run towards the fence. The ground becoming less even and rough and unkept the further out I got. 

why couldn't everyone- anyone- just treat me like a normal girl. Why did they all have to treat me like an object and not a human, not a person with feelings? why? Whyyyy?

[Loony]

RICHARD GERTZ

I spend my days walking along the edges of the districts now. His ghost walks besides me, leaving nothing but memories in his tracks. Its been two whole years since his death, but the days pass in blurs, and the minutes in haze. Healing is something that threatens my existence, numbing my memories and spreading bliss over areas I want recollect. Its time to move on, Richie, you've done it before. (But I can't do it again.) The games were blazing bright within the square, pushing me towards the outskirts of the district, and causing his ghost to creep back.

I walk silently along the fence, the brilliant hum of electricity coursing through the thin metal. Some day I suppose I'll have to understand why we are kept within the district like animals, but today I feel like a lamb being led to slaughter. You have no clue. (Shut up.)

He was gone. I knew it. But the poignant admiration I had for him as a child remained. In my aging mind I still had too much respect for him to just disappear. Nothing was stopping this little boy from loving. Your not little anymore Richie. Perhaps it was that sharp moment of hope when I saw him alive that some how intoxicated me with him again. Perhaps it was that brief second-coming that pushed him onto a pedestal too strong to break down. Who knows?

The district is quiet out of respect for the fallen girl, her face still painted onto our memories. But its all corrupted by the sudden shouts from within a house. I wonder briefly if that is her family, perhaps a boyfriend or something, but I know better than to let myself be dragged into that train of thought. You're just making it worse. I'm dead. Let me go. My feet dragged against the heavy stones, scraping ice from this bitter season. The air  hangs heavy in front of my mouth, frozen breathes of departed memories.

Hands deep in my pockets, I'm thrown to the side by a streak of blonde. Knocked off balance, and unarmed from the ground, I feel the sudden crash of stone on bone, and a rush of hot pain in my wrist.

Wind long gone, I lay on the ground wheezing heavily before yelling weakly after the form.

"Watch it."

[k!ah]

Ariel Porter 

I am consumed by my rage, by my frustrations. I am so lost in my thoughts my own worries that I barely notice myself run into another, knocking them to the ground roughly, there calls the only thing to pull myself out of my thoughts and back into this world, this world where I am nothing. I turn to face the person, my eyes flashing, my cheeks damp from the tears which had painted my pale face with trails of salt. 

"Why do I care?" I hiss at him, my word laced with venom. "Why should I watch it, its not like this path is so thin that the two of us cant walk down it. Maybe- maybe you need to be the one to watch it." The words don't belong to me. They belong to the girl inside of me, the one who is scared, the one who is alone the one who wants to know what it feels like to be cared about. The jealous girl, the jealous bitch. I never used to be like this, I used to understand, well thats what I had thought. I used to think, to truly believe that they cared for me, that they all did... but i was young, I was naive and I never really understood the whole situation.

But I understood now.

Didnt I?


Oh yes. I understood.


"So why don't you go and take your lousy opinions elsewhere."  Suddenly I close my eyes and place a hand to my forehead, rubbing my temples gently. "I'm sorry, I should have said all that." Sighing I open my eyes and allow my hand to drop to my side, taking my first real look at the person in front of me. It was a boy, he couldn't be much older then myself and there was something about the way he held himself, something bout the darkness that overshadowed him that reminded me of myself. 

"Can I help you up?" I lean over, my hand extended between the empty space between us, a ghost of a smile of my lips. 

Loony

[Loony]

RICHARD GERTZ

She stops, pivots and stalks over to me. Suddenly I find my self scrambling backwards, fearing I've bumped into a beast. My lungs burn as they continue wheezing for oxygen, I look up into the wild face of the girl in a mixture of fear and amazement.

"Why do I care? Why should I watch it, its not like this path is so thin that the two of us cant walk down it. Maybe- maybe you need to be the one to watch it." (Crazy.) I agree, her eyes are wild, and words pack a punch as she stands above me.

But its clear her anger is misguided, a result of immediate pain from past hurt. She is not fully here, her words directed at someone or something else. A drunken mans reaction on a girl is not pretty, but its a sign of something much worse.

I understand it.

I can remember every attack I launched on some one, ever remark made in anger that I now wish I could take back. I pushed my family and friends away because of the scars Cadman left when he died. I drove wedges between everyone because of the pain. (Selfish.)

"So why don't you go and take your lousy opinions elsewhere." I finally regain my breathe, allowing a rush of fresh air into my lungs, as she places a hand on her skull.

Anguish is clear on her face, before she quips, "I'm sorry, I should have said all that."  A sigh escapes her lips, and I stare up at her in amazement at the shift in tone. Her hand reaches out, a bridge between us that I'm happy to complete.

"Can I help you up?"

I grab her hand and pull myself up. From here it's clear I'm taller, as I can see clearly over her blond head. I've grown a lot in two years, but not enough.

"You were certainly booking it huh?" I rub my neck, "Where are you heading in such a rush?" I put her outburst aside, something she hopefully won't mind. (Not ready for some one else problems yet Richie?) No. Not at all.

OOC: Sorry! Better late then never? k!ah

[k!ah]

Ariel Porter 

He closes the distance between us, his fingers wrapping around my own as I help him to his feet. He is quite the bit taller than me and I have to look up to keep eye contact with him, my eyes blue eyes follow him as he pushed aside my earlier rudeness without much of a second thought. I sigh with silent relief. Too often I found myself jumping down peoples throats, the throats of those who I have never even meet, who would never deserve to be be thrusted upon with my rude our bursts. Lately, more than ever, I have found it so hard to hold my tongue, to keep my nasty words in the back of my mind... maybe it was just who I was. Maybe I really was just a jealous bitch- even if that ' who I wanted to be.

We don't always get what we want. I knew that statement better than anyone else my age. I knew what it was like to never get what you wanted even if that you wanted was just a small show of affection, of love. 

"You were certainly booking it huh?" He  rubs the back of his neck as he speaks and I begin to wander if I have hurt him and instantly feel a surge of guilt. I had no intentions of hurting this boy, my anger and desperation had consumed me leaving a trail of destruction. it always happens like that, doesn't it? I always end up hurting people who don't need to be hurt... like my sister. My rebellions always end up hurting her. She is like a sponge, she sucks up all their love, every last drop of it, but its not only theirs, but mine too. The household sponge, she doesnt' let any of us leak, always their to sap up every last drop of our love. And I hate it.

My anger begins to rekindle, my fists balled at my side- but then he speaks again, his voice dousing the flames of my anger as I come back to reality, my hands relaxing at my sides. 

"Where are you heading in such a rush?"  

"I was just trying to clear my mind, I just wanted to take a walk, through the own get as far away-" I stop mid speech my eyes trailing over the ground because this boy didnt' need t know my life story, he didn't need to know why I was running, why I was always running. "Walks are always great for the mind, you know? They clear it and help you think clearly, thats all I was doing. Getting a clear mind- what about you? Not many sane people walk around at the edge of the district... I mean there is nothing to see here."

Loony post for chuuu

[Loony]

RICHARD GERTZ

(Richie... Richie... Its time to go. Don't bother her Rich. Just leave.)

I study this disheveled girl, her eyes are a piercing blue, stabbing me with her harsh glare. I once believed that I was the only person on Earth who understood struggle. I wanted to be the only one who faced lose, because I wanted to stay in this sea of self-pity, to bathe in the fact that I was the only person on this god-damn planet who lost a brother. (You still do, Richie.) I was nothing but raw feeling for almost two years. I was a collection of pain, anger, and grief gathered into a tall figurine. But I need to get better.

I need to move on, I can't live in a past that is rejecting me. I got to accept that I'm not 14 any more, that my brother is dead, and my life is moving on. (Leave then. If you really wanted to I wouldn't be here) 

I look at the girl, clearly facing an inner stuggle that was threatening to tear her apart, and I want to reach out and help. I want to be a support not the problem, but I'm not sure I'm able to yet. (Your not too helpful, little Richie.) My hand is about to grab her shoulder before she says, "I was just trying to clear my mind, I just wanted to take a walk, through the own get as far away-" I'm tempted to prod on, but her eyes fall to the floor, and I knew that I would probably lash out if anyone had asked me about my problems.

"Walks are always great for the mind, you know? They clear it and help you think clearly, thats all I was doing. Getting a clear mind-" Well I can't really blame her, its really relaxing out here. But I know thats not it. She wouldn't run like that if she was just clearing her mind. (Challenge her then, call her out) But I accept it, not wanting to push her away.

"What about you? Not many sane people walk around at the edge of the district... I mean there is nothing to see here." I look at the ground... thinking for a second, before choosing my worlds carefully.

"That's kind of the point. I mean..." I look anywhere but her eyes as I struggle to find the words, "I really don't like the Hunger Games, so its kind of nice to spend some time here... away from it. It's nice not to have to see anything, or have to do anything."

k!ah

[k!ah]

Ariel Porter 

But they also get my mind racing, my thoughts spinning nonstop as I think about things, as I think about life, about my family about my sister and about my parents. So in reality walks might not actually be my medicine, that were probably my fuel, allowing my mind to wander around and around in circles. So i had lied. I wasn't out here to just walk I was running away, running away from Ariel Porter and the life that she lead. I didn't want to be that girl anymore. I loved my sister, I was so sure that I loved her, but was it even possible to love someone as much as you hated them? To want to protect someone as much as you wanted to hurt them? Was I losing my mind, going insane? 

The words slip from my lips and the boys eyes are directed towards the ground. I can tell by the shadows that danced around him that he was much like me. He was not a happy soul, he was not someone who was content with their life. I could tell when I looked him in the eye, it was like I could see him fighting himself, like he wanted to challenge me but then he didn't, like he wanted to walk away from me, but then he didn't. He was fighting himself, challenging himself just like I was. My head tilts to the side slightly, as I studied the permanent dip in his lips, or the bags under his eyes. He was defiantly not the picture perfect painting of someone who was content in life and because of this I begin to feel myself empathise with him. I wanted to know what he was thinking, I wanted to understand him, a little bit more. 

He dosent look me in the eyes as he speaks, his own dancing around the edge of my face. My eyes follow his dark ones, trying to catch them, but not succeeding.

"That's kind of the point. I mean...I really don't like the Hunger Games, so its kind of nice to spend some time here... away from it. It's nice not to have to see anything, or have to do anything." 

the hunger games.

I, too, hated the games and hated everything they meant. They were the reason why we were caged up like animals, waiting for our turn to be slaughtered. If the games didn't exist then maybe my sister would be healed, maybe she wouldn't be so dependable on me, dependable on someone who was so unreliable- was that why I did all these things? Because I was scared that one day I wouldnt' be there fro her, that one day I would just do something so reckless that she would be hurt more than me? Maybe that was it. Maybe I didn't hate her after all, maybe I was just scared of her, for her.

"Do you think they could hear us here? Like if we were to say something so reckless, so stupid and  traitorous, do you think they can here it? Do you think we are ever truly alone, or if they are always there, always watching us?" the question comes out of no where, my blue eyes dancing, suddenly I wanted to know, I wanted to know if they were watching us, here and now, watching me and this boy, whose name I didn't even know. 

"Do you think we will ever be free?"

I wanted to be free, I wanted nothing more then to be able to spread my wing and fly.

Loony :DD

[Loony]

RICHARD GERTZ

Even as the words leave my mouth, I'm on edge. My eyes began searching for some one to leap out at me and throw me to the ground. Rarely, do I dare speak out against the games, too many siblings of tributes have been reaped for me to dare put myself or my sister at risk of perishing like my brother did. I like to stay low, not risking anything. (Cutting yourself off) I peer at the girl half expecting her to begin crying out traitor. Then again, this isn't District One or Two where the kids thirst for blood like its a goddamn necessity. 

I always wondered what the boy from 1 thought when he saw my brother collapse. Did he laugh internally as he saw what he had done, or did he scream with sorrow? I suppose it doesn't matter, he's six feet under as well.

I peer at this girl, her mind clearly racing as she studies me with understandable curiosity. She's clearly unhappy, just moments ago she was racing away from whatever troubles she faced. Of course, she did snap at me, a little too feisty for some one her size. Although it's tempting to ask her what's the matter, my lips do not dare move.

"Do you think they could hear us here? Like if we were to say something so reckless, so stupid and traitorous, do you think they can here it? Do you think we are ever truly alone, or if they are always there, always watching us?" I let out a small chuckle, we're too much alike.

We both see just how defenseless we are, just how utterly weak and undeniably tame we are in this world. The capitol has whipped us into fearful nobodies, and we don't dare speak against it. Even as I rant internally against them, I know I wouldn't dare do anything to change it, because I'd rather dream of freedom than be forced into servitude.

"Do you think we will ever be free?"

Free. Free. Free.

The word resonates within me. Are we ever going to be anything other than animals sent to the slaughter? Are we ever going to do anything? Are we going to just accept our role as victims? (No, No, and Yes)

I smile at the girl, admiring her shared desire to be somewhere else. I want to tell her that we can both run away from our homes, be free out in the uncharted wilderness. But I can't bring myself to lie.

"To be completely honest... no. We'll always be slaves to them. At least in our life time, because honestly... I'm a coward and I don't know about you, I won't do anything about it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. That doesn't mean we have to accept it." 

I pause, and shrug because this is all useless information to her. I'm not helping whatever situation she's in.


"We'll always be free in our own way... at least until they figure out how to read minds." I give her a small smile, my wry attempt at a joke cringes as it leaves my lips. 

k!ah lol i'm sorry. I'm so awful but here you go