smoke and mirrors {arsen/theo blitz}

[[nyte]]

t h e o d o r e  h a r t

I wouldn't say that I'm scared of commitment. I just don't like it. I don't like giving someone the power to break my heart because it's already so dry and shriveled that one more blow could easily kill me too. Nik and Jordan have used up all the love I once had but people keep pulling off chunks of my flesh and accepting it as substitute. And it hurts so much that I've just started pushing people away. 

My fingers run through my scalp, fingers grasping at black strands and I'm so bored of the same, monotonous thing that I have to change it. It's not a want anymore. Nothing has been a want for a very long time. I'm heavy from the toxins freshly injected into my skin, body tempted to fall into the marble counter top as I slowly lose control of the feelings bursting like fireworks throughout my body. They start at my heart, wonderful colors making their way into my brain and freeing me of the tight knots tied within my body. 

And Arsen is perhaps one of my best friends. Mew is like a little brother to me and Jordan is... well complicated. But Arsen isn't. He's so brunt and upfront with everything he feels that I couldn't help but fall for the auburn haired boy. There's no deception in our relationship. Nothing to figure out. Nothing hidden. (on his end, at least) and it's nice.

That's where I'm headed now, bottle of bleach and blue dye within my palm. I've been to his house a few times before so it's not a difficult path to wander.He'll help me get rid of the monotony. Of the black mop atop my head. 

We're gonna wash away all the dark and replace it with something beautiful.

I throw open the door, grin sewn to my cheeks. "HEY ASSHO-," It's not Arsen that I see upon the couch but an older him. A father. Shit. "-h hey Mr. Rauv." I throw my hip against the door and try my best not to look like a total tool.

[Python]

Arsen Rauv

Today was boring.

Matteo was out sick, and his replacement was a woman Arsen didn’t care for. She was a bossy perfectionist who owned a thousand shades of lipstick, all of which didn’t contrast well with her withering complexion. He was almost certain she was taking something. It was none of his business, so he didn’t ask. He just sat in a corner doodling until customers walked in, or until she nagged at him to start cleaning despite him having swept and wiped down counters two hours ago. To make matters worse, business was slow, so he was forced to listen to her voice for the majority of his miserable shift.

Home was a relief. Dad was making macaroni and cheese with broccoli, and asked Arsen to help him steam the vegetables. ”I don’t like broccoli,” he promptly complained, peeking around his father’s torso to peer into the pot of noodles.

”You won’t taste it.”

Arsen sighed, but he was right. As they curled up on the couch with bowls of noodles, he didn’t taste anything but the cheese. He ended up zoning out through most of the television programs. All of it was about the Games, and he didn’t care enough to pay attention. He ended up finishing after his dad, and offered to clean the dishes. Productivity was preferable to boredom.

His hands moved mechanically. He vacantly stared out the kitchen window, fixated on the leaf of a tree branch. He pondered nothing in particular, and didn’t feel bored as much as he did empty, like someone had replaced his emotions with helium. He wanted to sleep and air himself out, but part of him knew tomorrow wouldn’t be any better. It would probably be just as dreadful.

The front door suddenly flew open, startling him all the way in the kitchen. He heard a familiar outburst and poked his head through the doorway to find Theo staring at his stone-still father, evidently regretting his own stupidity. Arsen glided to his father’s side and observed his raised eyebrow. He clearly wasn’t offended, just a little weirded out be the intrusion. ”Friend of yours, Arsen?”

Unfortunately.

He didn’t mean it.

”Yeah, this is Theo.”

”Does Theo know how to use doors?”

”Nope.”

He noticed the bottles in Theo’s hands. They looked familiar, but he couldn’t read the labels from a distance. ”What are those?”

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t h e o d o r e  h a r t

A bright pink blush makes its way across my cheeks. I should have guessed that Arsen's dry sense of humor was hereditary. It's like I'm staring two Arsens in the face when I can barely handle one. Pressing both bottles of dye into my hand I bow my head. "Sorry Mr. Rauv, I should have knocked." But I know full well that the next time I come over I won't do a damn thing different. I'm full of empty apologies and broken promises. This was just the tip of the ice burg. 

"What are those?" Arsen speaks to me, earning a bright grin as I regard him with excitement. I welcome change while others are repulsed by the mere idea. Staying too comfortable is dangerous. The only thing I'll never change is the amount of needles pressed into my flesh on the daily. (I'm up to three now. I don't know how much longer my body can handle that.) Such a selfish thing I am. 

"Hair dye!" My grin widens. "And bleach, of course, have you ever tried to dye dark hair? It's a bitch." aaaand it took me all of five seconds to forget Arsen's father was right in front of me. My face has turned at least three shades redder in the passing moments. I let out a cough and rush inside, grabbing Arsen by the wrist and trying to pull him back into his room. I've never been good with adults. I'm not exactly the prize that every friend would be proud to take home. Quite honestly, I forgot Arsen even had a father because the only times I've been over here he's been alone. "I'm going blue. Light blue won't it look great?!"

Of course, Jordan isn't going to be happy with the color. He complained and whined when I dyed my bangs purple about a year ago now. (And I looked fucking fabulous, might I add. I wasn't as gaunt as I am now, face round and innocent. I was a lot shorter too.) But it's worth a kick or two to the stomach to have a good time with Arsen. The only real joy I feel is with him and Mew and I can't help but wonder if I should introduce them some time. I could spend more time with the both of them that way. 

We'll have to see, I guess. 

"I'm so tired of the same old." I throw my forearm over my face dramatically. 

[Python]

Arsen Rauv

”Hair dye!” he exclaimed, like it was exciting. Arsen was not impressed, and his father continued to stare at their intruder with a glint of curiosity in his wise old eyes. ”And bleach, of course, have you ever tried to dye dark hair? It's a bitch.”

Theo was a damn mess.

Arsen was unfazed by the curse. Most fathers would reel back in shock or offense, but not his. Perhaps the idea of accidental disrespect was lingering somewhere in his thoughts. Either way, he didn’t voice any displeasure. Arsen never really cursed in front of him, simply out of loving respect, but it was okay to slip a “damn” out once in awhile. His father wasn’t so innocent either, and fortunately he was very forgiving. Theo would escape scrutiny for the time being. This was only the first impression, after all, and his father was all about giving second chances.

He thought it was funny how pink Theo could turn, like a rose bud. It was endearing enough to lead Arsen away from the couch without protest. He announced that he was “going blue,” and suddenly the hair dye was ten times more interesting. Blue hair was the greatest idea ever, no sarcasm intended. He couldn’t even imagine that color atop of Theo’s head but he wanted to see it. What kind of blue was it? Navy blue? Cotton candy blue?

Light blue, he said.

All the helium was gone, replaced by excitement. ”We’ll see,” he said.

”Have fun you two. I remember I used to dye my hair all the time when I was your age.”

Arsen’s eyes launched to the ceiling. Now was not the time for dad stories. ”That’s great, dad. We’ll be in my room.” He started off toward the hallway.

”Okay, but keep the door open. If I hear anything that isn’t dyeing hair, I’m coming after you.”

How embarrassing. Just because he didn’t bring home friends didn’t mean the first boy that showed up at his front door was a lover.

[[nyte]]

t h e o d o r e  h a r t

Arsen's dad is really quite hilarious. A dumb smile snakes across my lips and I rub the back of my head anxiously. He couldn't honestly think that someone like Arsen would even consider sleeping with a guy like me. I'm used up. Disgusting. But it's a flattering sentiment nonetheless. 

I work hard to keep up a facade of confidence. It's easier to explain away the marks upon my body with a bright smile across my lips. Of course, that bruise couldn't have been more than an unfortunate accident, look at the smile upon his lips. He's so vibrant. So obviously happy. 

My mother has seen every single bruise. Every single mark left by a needle into calloused veins, but she eats the lies I serve to her on a silver platter. She'd rather see that everything is perfectly fine than realize her last little boy's life is falling to pieces right before her eyes. 

I think it'll kill her when I die. But she wants so bad for everything to be okay she won't notice until I'm cold with a needle in my veins.

"Oh, Mr. Rauv," My voice dances across the room as I pull my best friend back to his room, hands shaking violently. "Arsen couldn't get me if he tried." I give the boy a playful wink. It's an obvious lie. Arsen is drop dead gorgeous and it's not like I'm some kind of prize to be won. 

But Arsen doesn't know that. Mew doesn't, Mom doesn't, Dad doesn't. I'm so fucking good at hiding who I really am. No one sees it. They don't want to. It's easier to believe in the white picket fence I've surrounded myself with. The bright, confident boy with a bright smile and bright eyes.

I'm so fucking happy, I promise I am. 

"I think this'll be my favorite color yet!" I squeeze Arsen's wrist, damn near jumping on the spot, bottles in hand.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

[Python]

Arsen Rauv

Theo was a little shit. A nervous little shit, though. His hands were trembling like he was about to have a seizure if his dad didn’t drop the shenanigans. What was he afraid of? Dads always had that air of threatening authority to them, but nothing in his dad’s demeanor or tone suggested that he was legitimately concerned. He was half-playing, half-serious. His dad actually would interrupt them if they ever decided to do something naughty (unlikely, given Theo’s taken status and the fact that he just wasn’t his type), but he wouldn’t be aggressive about it. He was just overprotective of his last living family member.

I’m not made of glass, dad.

The nervous energy radiating from Theo was giving him jitters. To break the tension, he spoke. ”We’re just friends, dad!” He glanced over his shoulder and caught his dad’s sly smile before walking into his bedroom. ”That’s what they all say!” he answered. A fair point, but absolutely not. Arsen just wanted to dye his friend's hair in peace.

”Also, you’re wrong,” he added, looking at Theo once they were in the quiet confines of his quarters. ”I could charm the pants off of you.”

He didn’t know why Theo was squeezing his wrist like an excited child. All of his energy came seemingly from nowhere. Maybe he was hyped up on something, or maybe that was just Theo. Arsen hadn’t known him for too long, but the kid was always happy. Well, not always – there was the time they first met, where minutes were spent locked away in a back room with Theo crying out of panic and terror. Something in his life was fucked up. The happiness might’ve just been a compensation.

At least he was trying. Arsen never tried at all. There was no use in pretending.

”You can sit here,” he said, gesturing to the chair in front of his mirror. Then he opened his closet, grabbed a towel, and tossed it at his face. ”Put this on.” He paused and stared at the ceiling, pondering. ”What else do we need?”

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t h e o d o r e  h a r t

Arsen's pride is so easily wounded. Sometimes I forget that. In my desperation to appear normal I can come of as callous, rude. I promise that's not who I am Arsen. I reach down, ruffling my shorter friend's hair gently before taking a seat in the chair, long legs folding in front of me. I place one over the other, holding myself regally before fixing hair soon to be turned bright blue. "Of course you could Arsen. But it's best we stay friends." I'm taken after all. 

I've almost forgotten that's what I told him. Every day has passed in a haze, foggier and foggier the more poison I consume. The finer points of even this day will fade into obscurity come tomorrow morning. Nonetheless I'm glad to be spending the day with him. His dry demeanor is more refreshing than I'd have ever imagined. 

He throws a towel over my face and I'm disappointed that he won't be able to see the genuine smile across my lips. Because it's there. I can feel it tugging upon my cheeks and burning them with joy. "What else do we need?" he ponders but I've already got the towel around my shoulders, applying harsh chemical to the dark strands.

"This is the easy part." I admit, and sure enough I'm done in no time, wrapping the soft material around my head like some kind of silly hat. "We just have to wait for the bleach to effectively strip my hair of all color." And a grin spreads across my lips as I stand, leaving the chair forgotten behind me as I step foot onto Arsen's bed and fall onto it dramatically, arms flailing and legs kicking. Apprehensions melt into the atmosphere as I jump forward with the childish zeal and repeat the same action.

The grin I wear is neither genuine nor forced.

It's devious. 

"So... what did you dad say about hearing anything other than hair dying?"

And in that minute I'm certain, if there is such a thing as hell, that's right where I'm headed.

[Python]

Arsen Rauv

Arsen watched Theo apply the bleach, trying to imagine what he would look like with stark white hair. If he kept his hair blonde, it would bring out his eyes and the color of his face. The blue might accomplish something similar, other than turning him into a crayon. He was eager to see. Matteo had dyed his hair blood red once, and it had fascinated Arsen for the four months he had decided to flaunt it before returning to his natural color.

He had thought about experimenting with his own hair before. His coworkers often asked him why he never did anything decorative besides pierce his ears. As a tattoo artist, it was odd having a bare body, but he simply couldn’t decide what he wanted. There were so many options, and all of them could have disastrous consequences if he ended up regretting it. He didn’t just want something with meaning, he wanted something impressive. Something beautiful. Maybe something for his mom or his baby sister.

Arsen stood in front of the mirror and prodded at tufts of his auburn hair, wondering what colors would contrast well with his eyes and cheeks. Nothing too insane. Maybe something darker?

There was a familiar squeak behind him. He rolled his eyes before he even turned around to see it; of course Theo was making himself at home on his bed, but he was also being weird. He was flailing about like a worm. If his expression hadn’t been so devious and childish, Arsen would’ve suspected a seizure.

”Stop it,” he whined. Theo was purposely trying to stir an embarrassing situation. I should kick him out of my house. How exasperating. He couldn’t pull him off because that required stepping backwards, and he was already on his third fall of the week. He hopped on the bed instead and started pushing him. ”Theo, get off!”

His dad appeared in the doorway, a looming shadow. Arsen froze up and stared at him like a deer in the headlights. ”With the door open? Have you no shame? I raised you better than that.”

He was joking, Arsen could tell. But that didn’t make his cheeks any less pink.

”Dad!” he whined again.

[[nyte]]

t h e o d o r e  h a r t

I never, in a million years thought that Arsen would climb onto the bed with me. It brings a blush to my cheeks and I allow the whole of my body to go limp beneath his limbs. I'm like a rock as I sink to the floor, grinning childishly as Arsen's father enters the room. I like how he comes into check on Arsen despite the obvious jesting, he worried about Arsen. 

Out of habit I pull hard on the sleeves of my shirt, small red spots blooming upon the fabric where a needle's kiss has so recently tore into the skin. I don't think that Arsen's dad would believe half of the stories that left my lips, had they come from his son. (It was only a bruise.) (No, I'm fine just not feeling well.) (You know how clumsy I am.) 

Arsen's father is a good one. Jealousy burns the pit of my stomach as I think of my own family, waiting for me what feels like a thousand miles away from this beautiful moment. Happiness and my family just don't seem to mix. Mother and Father love each other very much and they loved their little prodigal career too. But he's dead. And I'm the little boy that was too weak to be the career they wanted. They love me. That I don't doubt. Just... not as much. I've always been second best. The third wheel. It's okay. Really.

"Ah, don't be rude Arsen." I sing-song, standing and flinging my arm around his shoulder. "Your dad is just doing what any good dad would."

Don't take that for granted, I want to add.

But I don't.

I tug the towel off of my hair, detaching myself from Arsen and eyeing my new, pale-blonde locks. The smile I wear is hollow.

[Python]

Arsen Rauv

I’m not being rude. An exasperated sigh escaped his frown. Theo and his dad were conspiring against him, it seemed. They were all jokes and mischief and glittering eyes and obnoxious words. He wasn’t sure if his dad was genuinely concerned or not. Ever since his wife passed away on the delivery bed, he had been overprotective of Arsen – probably because he was the only family he had left, and the boy had a lot of invisible scars to count. He was almost certain his dad felt guilty about the experiments. Arsen didn’t blame him for the side effects but it didn’t seem to stop the poor man from wanting to influence every aspect of his life. No alcohol, no drugs, no sex. Like that was going to heal anything.

Two of those things he refused to give up. ”I’m almost an adult, dad,” he would say, and then his dad would sigh and insist he be safe about it.

It was embarrassing, but he was only trying his best. Arsen appreciated the efforts.

When Theo removed his towel, Mr. Rauv smiled and said ”Nice hair,” casually, like he hadn’t just been pretending to scold his own son for inappropriate touching. Then he pointed at Arsen and said ”I’m watching you, young man. Hair dyeing only.” Arsen sighed and waited for him to walk out of earshot. ”You look cute.” The lighter color made him look more delicate. He could only imagine what the blue shade would accomplish.

He picked up the bottle of blue dye and held it out to Theo. ”Can I help with this?”