hickory dickory dock {tobias and mordecai}

[[nyte]]

[presto] T OBIAS sixteen male district four And now I just sit in silence [/presto]

He found that he forgot more and more each day. The feel of his brother's palms upon his cheeks or the gentle gruffness in his tone that so often lulled the lost boy to sleep. He forgot the feeling of his hand upon his back and of the comfort that it once brought. How much longer did he have, Tobias wondered as he stuck his hands deep within dark pockets, until he forgot his brother's name. The way it felt leaving his lips. And it was some terrible injustice to Mordecai. The prospect of moving on, of forgetting to trace familiar routes with worn soles. It was so blasphemous that it did little more than send violent shudders down his spine and stick pins into his heart. No matter if his brain turned simple with age and his hair turned grey, no matter if he could not remember why he walked down alleys filled with blood and sick asking for a boy he could no longer remember, his search would never end. Not even when the days were cold and harsh winds bit at his cheeks, when there was not a single soul on the dark streets but he, he would travel the same, monotonous paths. The boy was far too used to blacks and whites. Rights and Wrongs. Tobaises and Mordecais. Never knowing what happened to his brother was more torturous a fate than finding him on a morgue slab one of these days. But one of these days was not today. He needn't even ask the kindly groundskeeper who had three kids and a wife named Cheri, who didn't believe in the games and always had a chocolate bar stuck in his rightmost pocket, because he shook his head as Tobias approached. "No new bodies t'day, youngin'. Maybe t'm'rrow." "Maybe tomorrow..." It was sick, that a part of him hoped that the words were true. That he would find closure on metal slabs once and for all. Tobias hated the part of him that would rather Mordecai dead than missing for any longer. But, as though it were as simple as throwing those thoughts out of his ears, he shook his head instead pressing a candy bar into the man's wrinkled palm, managing as much of a smile as he could when his world continued to crumble around him. Constant chaos. An eternal storm churning about his brain. "For Jennifer. I know she likes peanuts more than chocolate." And he chose not to see the tears welling in the corners of the man's eyes as he turns away, shoulders slumped and trudging through soaked grass. Because it was silly to cry over a candy bar that would be wasted in front of a cracked tombstone anyway. His next stop was a marble desk with a pretty red haired lady sat behind it. Her hair was neat, tied up in a bun with thick black lines skillfully painted around dark eyes. There was a new bruise upon the apple of her cheek, skillfully hidden behind layers of makeup and a bright red blush. Had Tobias not been looking for it, perhaps he would have assumed the bruise a mere trick of the light. "Sorry hun," her voice was the same as the man's, thick with genuine pity and despair. "No one matching Mordecai's description came in today." All Tobias could manage was a nod, feeling as though lemons had been pressed into freshly opened wounds. It was not the woman's fault, he couldn't bring himself to be upset at the pretty receptionist who was too trusting and stayed with a big, frightening woman who hurt her when she drank too much. Life was like that, Tobias had learned. But he never did quite understand why the woman stayed. "You should put ice on that bruise." he mumbled, offering a half hearted smile. "Looks like it hurts." The woman was taken aback, eyes left wide from his audacity to mention what should not be asked nor told. Because Panem was not a land of justice. You took what you were given with a smile and a forced nod. Just what the pretty receptionist gave him, squeezing his hand gently. "I'm okay." And Tobias knew she was about as okay as he, but he nodded too, returning her gentle touch and not shying away from soft lips pressed against his forehead. "I hope you find your brother soon." "And I hope you leave her." He couldn't bring himself meet the woman's eyes and so he simply turned away, sliding between glass doors and finding himself alone once more. Next was an alley, one that pressed misfortune thick against his lungs with every inhale. he was not disgusted by them, those who had ended up here one way or another. If there was anything he had learned three long years of wandering every inch of Four a thousand and one times over, it was that everyone had a story. Everyone had a reason to be where they were and who was he to judge a woman sat with a baby in her arms against a brick wall? At least she was a better mother than his, who would no longer look at her child without a bitter sneer. The woman with the baby and the man with three missing fingers shook their heads, murmuring quiet no's as he passed. The woman with long, braided locks and the boy with five kittens sat in his lap said the same. And on it went, quiet inquiries and utter rejection. Tobias was so used to it that he did not feel the disappointment crawling up his throat, resting on his tongue like bile. It was always there, now a days. There was a break in the pattern by a man with one eye and two teeth. He was always kind to Tobias, pressing pretty rocks into his palms whenever he passed by. (They were all kept on his shelves, carefully sorted by color and size.) "I ain't seen 'im, but Serena gotta new boy 'round 'ere. Maybe he knows somethin'." And as hard as he tried not to let excitement break through lidded eyes, he gave One-eyed Terrance a smile, holding his gnarled hand to his chest and thanking him. Because as stupid as a breakthrough as this, it was something. Something more than the same. A new chance to find Mordecai. He knew where Serena slept, the trek was not a long one. Tobias could have sworn he flew across the pavement, landing in front of a shaggy boy and a kindly woman within seconds of Terrance's well wishes. He knelt down, one knee bracing the pavement as he tried to meet the new boy's eyes. "Hey... uh... I'm sure you're really busy and I hate to be a bother..." He let out a laugh, hands shaking so terribly that he had to place them upon his knees to stop the violent motion. "And to be honest this is a long shot but... do you happen to know anyone named Mordecai?" Hope was such a silly thing to have, Tobias realized as he looked at the homeless boy huddled in front of him, mouse squirming within his palms. There was a reason Pandora left it in her box.

[gamemaker kelsier]

M  O  R  D  E  C  A  I

"I could help you a lot easier if you'd takeoff that coat a' yers," says curly woman with big eyes and small hands that do not hurt me when they touch me but i do not trust her because what if she wants to hurt me but it is a secret so I tighten my hands on my warm place and i do not let her touch. She smells like sweat and piss but i do not wrinkle my nose because we are smelling the same right now also she gave me a warm drink that was inside of a cup and it made my inside parts burn but in a way that didn't hurt and it stopped the shivers.

Curly woman had put her fingers on my face when all the twinkly ones were way up in the sky and she'd straightened it back into place and I hadn't made a sound so she asked me if it hurt but I didn't make a sound. (I'm not allowed to make sounds so I don't do it and she would be good to not make sounds too because otherwise the devils will get angry and they will give us both a beating.) But then I remembered that the devils were hiding down in the hidey hole and for the moment I was free so I opened my mouth and I made a small little sound split between a shout and a whisper and I think I scared curly woman because she dropped her hands away.

That's when she gave me the warm cup and told me to eat it but I didn't want to eat it because I was scared that it would be full of weird things like the devils sometimes do with my food but then it was warm and good in the empty of my stomach and tears fell down my face because I was so happy to have it.

Curly woman put a wet soft sweet thing on the cracky dry red bits of me on my face from the cut and the mouth bleeding and she wiped it off of me and it made me happy because the smell was making me afraid. Then Tobias came out of the bins of trash lining the alley.

He is small and soft and grey and sweet with little white whiskers and eyes like black and I brush my fingers over his fine silk and I tell him with no words that I love him but I am afraid because sometimes they do not give me food and I have to get food myself and I do not want to eat Tobias this time because now we are both free.

I stick him in the pocket of my warmth and curly woman does not look happy about it. "That's dirty, love, you shouldn't keep him there," says my curly lady but I don't answer her because tobias is mine and we are best friends and no one can be dirtier than me i am the king of dirt it layers me in layers and layers and it keeps me warm at night because the devils don't give me blankets and I lost one of my toes on account of it falling off when the frost came along so I smile at her instead, showing off my missing teeth except the other one is in the back so only I know it's missing.

Curly woman likes my smile she says but I don't know about that I only know that it's good to bare your teeth to show that you are week like showing your belly and lying still so that they won't hurt you.

The Devils said they were going to find me again and they were going to hurt me again and I am afraid and when I think about them finding me I pee myself and it's nice and warm on my legs but now my pants are wet and it will be cold later but for now it is warm which is good because curly woman's hot hot hot flamey fire went away which I stayed far from anyway because fire is never good the Devils always use it to hurt me like when they stub their smoking sticks against my skin or use the metal stick to sizzle my flesh.

All night I watch the twinkly lights up in the sky because I am too afraid to shut my eyes because if I do that and the twinkly lights are gone because I'm back down underground in the hidey-hole then I will be sad so I watch and watch them but panic sets in when the lights begin to fade but then I realize that it's because the sky is going light and I have to shut my eyes because the faint light already burns them after too long underground. It only gets a little light because the sky is grey.

Tobias wriggles in the pocket of my warmth and I stick my finger in to give him a pet but he bites my finger and so I take him out and cup him in my hands. He wiggles in them but I search the ground and give him a piece of something rotten to eat and he takes it in his tiny pink paws and eats it.

I love him.

Tobias.

A swell of something good rises in me at the thought of his name and I let out a quiet hum of happiness. I'm glad I have Tobias in my head and in my hands because thinking of him helps me when the hurt is too bad, when I want to shut my eyes for forever and stop breathing because I'm so tired. If I didn't have Tobias to think about I'd be dead like the others.

I furrow my brow as I think about what the Devils told me about hide and seek.

Tobias has to find me or I have to find him but I don't know where I am. It's bright up here and there are no ceilings and I need to scratch another tick into the rock to show a day passing.

Curly woman wakes up and she makes the flames come back so I shift away because I'm not strapped down and if she tries to press a stick to my skin then I can run first. She just takes two little ovals from her bag and smashes them on a flat rock which is in the flamey heat and I'm sad that she ruined the ovals because they were lovely and clean but then it smells good and she hands me a circle with the broken oval on it all hot and warm and lovely and mushy and she motions for me to put it in my mouth and I do and it is warm and good and it fits good inside my empty stomach.

When we are done she steps all over the flames and they go out and then she tells me to follow so I follow her down a side street and people are walking around in droves bu I am afraid so I stay in the shadows and they don't look at me and curly woman and they act like we do not exist and I am happy.

We are in another little street and there are bags of garbage and I find a bit of food and I take Tobias out again and crouch against the wall and watch him eat. He is cute and small and sweet and only little so I protect him from cold by cupping him in my hands.

I love him.

Suddenly there is a whole other people in front of me, crouching down which is good because then he is less ferocious but he is too close and curly stiffens for a small moment beside e but then relaxes which means I can relax too and he speaks a bunch of words at me, hopeful and jumbled and questioning

When I raise my eyes it is my Tobias crouched in front of me and I know it's him because his eyes are Tobias' and his hair is the right colour and his mouth still curves the same and he is my brother

he is my brother, he is my brother.

I shiver and shake and I stare at him, absolute joy turning the corners of my lips upwards like a backwards sunrise and I stare at him and he is my Tobi. I would know him anywhere even if I was blind and deaf and numb I would know him because he is my baby brother and he is safe and healthy and alive and I told him it would be okay and it's okay now because he is here and he came to get me like I knew he would.

I knew he would save me

they Devils said he stopped caring but they were wrong because Tobi and I are a different sort of brothers and we would go into hell for each other and I did but now I'm back and Tobi found me just like I knew he would.

Waves of affection and love crawl off of my body in droves and my smile widens showing off yellowed, rotting teeth but it is my baby brother and he has come for me and the Devils will never touch him.

I cup Tobias tighter in my hands and he wiggles and bites me and I let him because I have Tobias back now and I open my mouth to speak but I am uncertain on how to because I know that words exist but it's like my tongue is dead in my mouth so I simply nod, eyes unable to be taken off of my baby brother and I want to yell at him, tell him I love him, tell him I'll take him to whoever he wants to see, as long as he promises to let me go too.

I don't know anyone named Mordecai but I nod anyway.

"Tobias," I croak out, my voice barely louder than a tiny little frog.

"Sorry luv," says curly, "I found 'im last night, seems that he's simple. I doubt you'll get much outta him."

I ignore her and tell Tobias how much I love him, how glad I am to see him, how much I missed him with my eyes.

[[nyte]]

[presto] T OBIAS sixteen male district four And now I just sit in silence [/presto]

And if it were possible for the world to stop, it did. As soon as his eyes met mine, the wind stopped blowing and the ground stopped shaking, breath refused to leave my lungs and my eyes refused to close. For a long, long while I sat, eyes met with this stranger who seemed anything but. There was a ghost in the room, hands placed over my heart as it stopped beating. And slowly, slowly I began to fade into nothing. He was in bad shape, teeth cracking as his lips turned skyward. His face was coated in grime, eyes like two stars which smile with his lips as he regards me. When he speaks the world starts moving again. Tobias. His voice is as cracked as his teeth, uncertain in the way he speaks but it's not a question. I am as Tobias as the sky is blue and the earth is cold and lonely and hopeless. My jaw hangs useless, gravity trying to steal it away, to take another piece of me with greedy need. Perhaps I would let it. Because right now it feels as though someone has taken needle and thread to my chest, sewing a heart rotten and old back into place. A missing piece jump started by a homeless boy who knows my name. "Sorry luv," Serena piped up, in her same motherly tone, "I found 'im last night, seems that he's simple. I doubt you'll get much outta him." I shouldn't be so angry at her words, but it feels as though she's taken her palm across my face. I furrow my brows scowling up at her and trying to bite back a rage I don't deserve to feel. "He's not simple!" my voice is rough, breaking as I scream, withering before her. It's nothing like the biting tone I intended. "He was best in his class. B-best at everything. He's... he's Mordecai. He's my big brother!" As soon as the words leave my lips, I know they are true. He's unrecognizable, beaten and bruised with a voice like sandpaper, but this is Mordecai. And I do not care how dirty he is, not after three years of looking. After I'd started questioning his mere existence. After I'd lost all worth a thousand times over and gone to bed wishing that I could trade places. That the men could have taken me because then mom would be happy and dad wouldn't slit his wrists every other week. It would have been better, had I never existed at all. And the weight of the world breaks my back, sending me into my brother's arms as I shake, sobs wracking the whole of my body. "Cai..." I whine, voice muffled by the skin upon his neck. "I looked for so long. I looked everywhere. I never stopped looking. Cai I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." I pull him closer, trying to anchor him to me as tightly as I can because if we were getting taken again it would be together. I'm not spending another three years in darkness, hopeless nothing as I search for a brother I feared was dead. "It's been so awful without you. Mom hates me. She hates me so fucking much she said it should have been me. They almost killed me and she said it should have been me." My words are rapid, leaving in shattering sobs as I gasp for air. "Cai where were you... where...where... Cai I needed you so much. I needed... I needed." There is nothing in the world but us. I am a thirteen year old again, bitter resentment that was all I could feel for so, so long shattering with all of the bones in my body. It was my brother, my big brother, and he could make everything better. He was always best, best in class, and there were no biting words thrown at him as they were me. Everyone loved Mordecai and tolerated Tobias. That is how it always was and that is how I want it to be. Because I don't need anyone but my big brother. I don't care if I'm shit under everyone else's shoes because Mordecai is alive and everything can go back to normal. But maybe not everything. I made a friend, hadn't I? Ira Ishmael who wasn't like anyone else. He was Cai's age, actually, kinder and sweeter than anyone I think I've ever met. I want to tell Mordecai about him. How he had kept me company for a few weeks before he came back. How he was really the only person I called a friend and truly meant it. Because he had hugged me when that was all I needed. I want to show Cai that I wasn't completely useless, unlikable, unwanted. Because that is what I had become in his absence. I cannot even hope to speak through this panic, holding the boy as close to me as I can manage as my tears leave pale trails along the dirt coating his flesh. But it's all okay. It doesn't matter that he is dirty or that I am broken. Because we are together. My big brother. Who was my everything for a long, long time. Who has perhaps sacrificed his sanity for me. He looked so lost, broken by the men who still haunt my nightmares. The ones who grew long fangs and scales the longer I tried to remember their faces. "It'll be okay." That's all I can hear when I think about that day, monsters dragging my brother away as I lay on pavement, blood pooling around my skull and consciousness leaking from the corners of my eyes. Their forked tongues snaking from between sharp teeth, promising they'd be back for me. Looking at me with hungry eyes. Eager to ruin me. And for a long time I feared them. Feared their coming back for me. I could not sleep, could not eat as the prospect of being dragged away just like my brother consumed me. I didn't wantto be taken. I wanted Mordecai to come back like the superhero he was. And they were monsters for a long, long time. But it was the third year when I began to hope. Begged every night, knees pressed to the carpet and hands clasped together, that they would grab me as I turned a corner, as I slept under the docks after mom had changed the locks and broke my key. That the monsters would reunite me with the brother I needed so dearly. And if he was dead, I hoped they would kill me too. "Nothing was okay." my voice is calm, head above the water as the ocean stops moving. "Mordecai nothing was okay without you."

[gamemaker kelsier]

M  O  R  D  E  C  A  I

My heart goes 'thump thump thump' in the inside of me and I can feel myself splitting in two, like a gift horse, you shouldn't look me in the mouth. I had forgotten for a very long time what he looked like, all I remembered was dark hair and eyes, a smile better than anything. I knew an eagerness inside of me to please him, to make him happy. I wanted to make him proud, my brother, my baby brother.

Whom I love, with everything that they left for me to keep.

He sees me here beneath the muchness of my hair and the dirt on my skin, he knows me like I know him because we will always know each other, even if we took a different form, we would always know. This is my baby brother Tobias, the boy who I never gave up on even though everything else has faded into nothing. Nothing else needs to exist as long as I have him, safe. My eyes search his face, looking for signs of pain and I see it there, in his eyes, not like mine. Mine is feral, animal. His pain is deep, dark, sad.

I frown slightly and tuck little Tobias into my pocket, he's wiggling too much and now is not the time for him to take my attention. The reason I was in where the Devils are is because I was protecting him, I was keeping my Tobias safe, sound. I stopped them from getting him they beat me for that, always said they wished they had the pair of us but I'd kept them from him and that was my shining moment, I was a victor. In my heart, I was.

But maybe I wasn't. He is an angry fire. He does shouting at curly woman and I shrink a bit on my insides. I don't like shouting. It's always followed by a lot of hurt. My Tobias would never hurt me, not ever. I relax, letting myself fall backwards against the wall, my heels roll me back and it's because of the force of him too, Tobias. He lunges for me and like always, I am ready to wrap him in my arms.

My shoulders hit the wall with a dull thud but this is a good hurt, a loud and happy one. I slight grunt of pain comes out of me like wind leaving a sail. I know that in the deep, dark, dark, deep I never in a hundred thousand years thought that I would ever be able to do this again. No matter how hard I fought to survive, half of my begged for death to take me soon. She never did, I was left to rot.

I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad.

My hand rubs his back, circling around and around like I always used to do when a smaller Tobias would come tumbling into my arms crying because someone had been mean or he'd gotten hurt. The soothing, nice sounds that I used to know leave my lips without my thought to command it. I coo, soft, short and little sounds that are mean to make him feel better. He cries in my arms and tells Curly that I am Mordecai.

The name is unfamiliar and heavy on my tongue. I cannot speak it.

I do not try.

Tobias is clean and smells fresh like the salt that sometimes drops from the ceiling of my cage onto my floors but he smells like scrubbing too. I like the way my brother smells. An image of tiny little rocks all small and scrunched up on the floor flashes in my head with something like a glass of water but a lot huger washing all over it. The image fills me with longing so bad that I moan in pain.

The Ocean.

I used to go there with Tobias, when we were younger, before the Devils came. I wonder if we will go again.

But the Devils will come back for me. They told me. They said it's a game. I won't let them touch Tobias. Never. My hand rubs over his back, crooked fingers slightly uncertain. It's been a very very very long time since anyone ever touched me in a nice way. I'd nearly forgotten what it was like. I like the heat of his breath on my neck and the wet of his crying when it hits my skin. I shut my eyes and sigh against his shoulder.

It feels like I am home here.

Tobias sounds like a broken thing, wild and sadder than anything that I've ever seen him be but this shouldn't be, he's found me, we are together. I can rest now, the long struggle is over. We are together. Nothing else matters.

Tiny Tobias wiggles frantically in my pocket, but I only have thought for big, present, right here Tobias.

Curly stands staring at us in a weird sort of happy looking way. She's crying too, I wonder if it's because Tobias yelled at her and I feel sorry becuase she gave me warmth in my stomach and put my nose back in it's proper place.

Tobias tells me that it's not okay but I think it is. In this moment, for the first time in as long as I can remember, it is. "It'll be okay," I whisper into his shoulder, voice cracking as I try to form words my tongue no longer knows. My head has forgotten how to send ideas to my mouth. There's a blockage.

"It'll be okay," I repeat myself, and pull him closer, relief making my chest loosen. My body is sore and I am tired. But I know that for the first time I think I might actually believe the words I've used as a way to stay mostly sane.

It will really be okay now.

Tobias has found me.

[[nyte]]

[presto] T OBIAS sixteen male district four And now I just sit in silence [/presto]

The words no longer comfort me. They are not a light in the darkness, happiness served on a silver platter. They are lies. Blatant and cruel. They burn tear tracks down my cheeks as I look at my brother, beaten and broken, driven half mad yet he expects his words to make everything better. And I'm angry, I'm so fucking angry. Maybe at him, maybe at me, maybe at the world because it's such a fucking bullshit place and it ruined us. Ruined me I lean back, arms hanging limp by my sides as I regard him with furrowed brows and an ugly sneer. "It won't." I tell him firmly, "You can't trick me anymore Cai! I'm not some stupid kid. Nothing is okay, nothing was ever okay but I was just too dumb to see it!" My voice is frayed, like a knife grating against worn rope and breaking every fiber peice by fucking piece. It hurts. "You know what I learned while you were gone? I'm useless. Useless and ugly and worthless and nobody wants me. Not Mom. Not Dad." "So don't you dare..." I stare at him, breathing hard as rage chokes me. "Don't you dare tell me it'll be okay. Not again." I know I shoudn't be angry. Not at Mordecai of all people. We got along so well, what seems like over a century ago now. No matter how hard I rack my brain I cannot recall a single instance where I yelled at him like this, treated him with such blatant disrespect. We had a connection, Cai and I, we knew how to make the other feel safe and warm and loved, knew when there was something wrong with the other. There was nothing that could come between us. Until men in black dragged him away, screaming. It'll be okay, Tobias! It'll be okay! "Oh god..." my fingers press themselves firmly against my lips, regret hitting as hard as a fist shoved into my gut. "Fuck- Cai- I-," More than anything, I want things to go back to how we were. To look up at the stars in the sky, hands clasped behind my head as water laps hungrily at the shore and to see the magic in the twinkling lights once more .(Hey Mordecai, how do you think the stars made it all the way up there?) (Cai, do you think I could catch a falling star?) I used to dream of such things, of miracles and happy endings. Of swimming in a sea of stars and feeling their light upon my flesh. I wanted to know what the world was, why it worked. Everything was so bright and happy and perfect, everything was so much better than now. Because I was stupid and naive and believed in things like magic. Now I know that if I tried to catch a falling star it'd eat me whole. And maybe I wouldn't mind too much. I'm so pathetic. I shrink in upon myself, arms wrapped around my shoulders as I try to be as small as possible. As small and insignificant and forgettable as possible. Cai won't like what I've become. I'm not the brother he left behind, not even close. At least nobody pitied that brother. I can see it in their eyes, when they regard me. Burning into my skin with little frowns and furrowed brows. What a scared and small and lost little boy who had nowhere to go and no one left. What a pathetic little thing.(What is your name, Lost boy?) And Ira told me I was no charity case. Had pulled me into a hug no matter how hard I stung him. And I thought it was because maybe he liked me. Wanted to be my friend. For one foolish second I thought- All I am to him, to anyone, is a sorry excuse for a boy. No matter how bright of a smile one plasters upon their cheeks I can see it, I can feel it. The writhing in my gut and the slow beating of my heart burns, having forgotten what happiness was and how to hold onto it. It seems all I can do is fuck up now because I just yelled at my brother who risked his life for me like some ungrateful piece of shit. I wonder if Ira will be glad when I tell him Cai is home, and that I will not be his burden. And he can forget about me like mom and like dad and like everyone but the boy sat in front of me with dirty hair and black teeth, whose little brother was long since dead. I regret having taken his place. My eyes force themselves shut, trying to reign in the tears falling freely onto my shirt. Fast and strong and that smell of sorrow and bitter disappointment. Like falling stars they burn my palms as I try to wipe them away, rubbing my cheeks red and raw in my desperation. My suffering has been nothing, absolutely nothing, in comparison to Mordecai. Who has not spoken a full sentence in the many minutes we have sat there. Whose eyes are not the same that I once looked into, filled with knowledge and hope and everything that was good in the world. "I'm sorry I'm not the same, Mordecai. I'm not the same."

[gamemaker kelsier]

M O R D E C A I  W U

Do not flinch because they will hurt you if you flinch. They want to scream at you, to make you afraid. Do not be afraid. Pretend Tobi is behind you, pretend every word is a dart and you are taking that poison for Tobi. Pretend that the words do not scare you and you are braver than you are. Pretend that you are not afraid. Pretend that pee is not running down your leg in fear. They want a reaction, that is why they scream at you. They want to see your fear. Do not give it to them. Do not let them see. Be strong. Be strong for Tobi. They are getting the iron biters, the long one, with the blunt hard bits that eat your limbs like they are teeth. They are going for your foot. Do not scream. Do not scream. Do n-

I flinch because his words are harsh and meant to hurt me and they do. I try to keep my gaze on him, unflinching and resolute. I narrow my brow to keep myself from blinking. Don't even blink because then they will hit you, remember last time? He does not scare me; he is my Tobias. He is my brother. He would never hurt me, never. I tell myself this, soft in my head, where they can't hear me. It is safe in here, my head. I can say what I like and they can't hear it, they can't punish me.

I don't like the way his face looks like that; angry and scary and not Tobias, more like the men. So I shift my gaze slightly over to the side. LOOK AT ME BOY,LOOK AT ME OR I'LL TEACH YOU WHAT REAL PAIN IS. I look at him without looking. My hands shake where they fell in my lap and I press down gently against my legs so that it isn't noticeable. They want to see your fear. Do not give it to them.

Tobias is yelling at me. It is because of what I said. I should not speak. Speaking is bad, it's dangerous. They hurt you if you speak. I learned that when they gave me a lash for every word I'd spoken since they'd caught me. I remind myself to lock my mouth up tight. I cut up the line that sends speech to my mouth. I have to remember; Don't speak; they will hurt you. Don't even breath. Be small. Play dead. They will leave you alone if you are dead. Chanty played dead and they cut out his tongue as a reward. He choked on his blood and died. Scratch that plan, make a new plan, don't play dead. You need to survive: why: because Tobias is going to find you: okay.

He says not to say that it will be okay anymore; nothing is okay. I don't understand. So far, everything is much better than it was before. There is a sky above me and there is warm in my belly that Curly put there for me. He says it is not okay but it is. There is no one hurting me. There is pain still but it is pain from yesterday; no fresh pain today. This is good. This is best. I don't understand.

Confusion drips down my forehead and into my eyes. I sit silent, watching, waiting. What does he mean. I don't know. I try to follow him but it is like there is blood in my ears. Hearing him is hard. The world is foggy around the edges. I am very tired. If they catch me sleeping they will kill me because now it is day. I am only allowed to sleep at night. Tobias does not know this rule. How will he know to help keep me awake. I am worried.

Tobias is the one shouting at me. The men are back below, in Hell. They will come for me in seven days they said, but that means I have six more. I am good at counting days. I keep a tally on the lower wall of my cell of how many days I was in hell. I forgot how to count. I don't know. There are many tally marks.

I don't like Tobi yelling at me.

I wish he would stop.

I stare at him as he yells. There is a vein in his forehead and it is poking out because he is mad. I want to tell him that I am sorry but I can't. My lips won't move. My body won't move. I should run away. I am not tied down. I am too afraid to run. When I am caught it will hurt. Don't even try running. Look what they did to Sam for running, they cut off her legs. Do you want that. No. I stay still.

Tobias won't hurt you. Tobias won't hurt you, he is not the men. It will be okay.

My fingers slip into my pocket to pet little Tobias who is squirming. It calms me down and I can pretend that I am not afraid better. I don't want Tobi to think I am afraid of him. His voice scares me but I am not afraid of my little brother who is strong and good and worth everything to me.

(I tell him with my eyes in case he forgot.)

He stops being scary and he shrinks like I do when I am hiding in from the men. (They find me anyway and they hurt me and it does not matter.) Curly and I watch as Tobi wraps himself in himself and he tries to hide from me. I sit still for a moment longer. My hands are shaking still and I am afraid. I put my hands into fists to stop them shaking but it does not work. Maybe if I bite them off then it will stop. I don't want Tobi to think he scared me. I don't want him to feel bad.

I scoot forwards and put my hands on the back of his head and I tip him forwards into me and I rock him back and forth.

I do not tell him that it will be okay. He does not like it.

I press my forehead against his and I smile at him with my eyes.

I love you I tell him. I need you and you are worth everything to me. You are everything I have. I lived because I wanted to see you again.

I love you I love you.

My Tobias.

I do not open my mouth.

I can not speak.

[[nyte]]

[presto] T OBIAS sixteen male district four And now I just sit in silence [/presto]

In the time that he was away I forgot why my parents loved my brother more than me. I forgot how perfect one person could be in the face of so much pain and so much misery. Tears fall thickly over my cheeks, eyes sewn together so tightly that stars begin to bloom across the blackness. I didn't want Cai to see what I have become but I suppose it is too hard to hide it. The disgusting thing that is me. He is covered in dirt and he is covered in grime and blood and my tears but I am more revolting than he could ever be. I want to say I'm sorry but I don't know how. Even as he pulls me into his chest and he rocks me back and forth just like he used to after I had a terrible nightmare and I was screaming and mom got mad at me for waking dad up, I cannot say anything. I shake my head against him, reveling in the fact that I can, that my brother feels so real underneath my fingertips as we lose ourselves in the moment. Did I upset him? I cannot tell. As much as I hate to admit it we are strangers now, different people. We are not the brothers who were separated that night, not even close. I may share a name with the Tobias he knows, I may walk the same and sound the same, but I am not him. I am dark and I am scared. I don't want to know anything about the world anymore because the truth is scary and harsh and it hurts. It hurts to know it. I do not wonder how the stars made their way up into the sky, I don't care. I don't give a fuck about the world because it's cold and unforgiving and it ruined me. Mordecai found me. He made his way back to me and he looks so small and weak and I have just yelled at him, yelled at him because of things that are not his fault. That's what mother does, blame me for Mordecai leaving even though I couldn't have done anything to stop it because the men were bigger and there was so much blood and everything hurt and- My breathing speeds up at the mere thought of the men, fingers curling into Mordecai almost desperately as I shake within my brother's arms. Did they do this to him? (Of course they did, what a foolish question). If he escapsed did that mean they were looking for him? Did that mean they were coming back? To take him from me again or to take me with him? To break me just as they have broken the only person in the world who has ever mattered to me. My big brother. Who was supposed to be here these three years and who was supposed to protect me and make everything better because that's what Cai did. That's why Cai was perfect in every single way. "I'm scared. I didn't mean to yell at you I'm just so scared." I cannot lie to Cai, the truth is muffled by his jacket, spilling from my lips at a rapid rate as panic's hands shake me harder and harder and harder until my chest hurts and my lungs burn and I think I'm going to die. I know i'm going to die. "Everyday, Mordecai, I looked for you every day that's all I've done for three years- I looked for you every day I didn't mean to yell at you I would never hurt you. You know that right? I would never hurt you." "...And I'm scared that they'll come back now. Those guys. They almost killed me. They... they... I was in the hospital for so long after and I know I don't even have a right to be scared because of everything you went through and because you had it so much worse and I know I don't have the right but I don't want them to come back. I don't want them to hurt you or me anymore but if you ran away they're going to come looking for you aren't they? They're going to take you again or take the both of us and I'm-" My chest rises and falls in a desperate kind of way, begging for the air that somehow seems to be anywhere but in my body. I am drowning, slowly, the ocean is swallowing me up whole with angry crashes against the shore and with salty water that sucks my body dry of everything. The world uses me up and up until I am small and fragile and scared and it will not hurt me again until I regain my strength. Until I am ready to be ruined once more. "Finding you was supposed to make everything better. It was supposed to stop this... this hurting inside of me and I wasnn't going to be scared and we would laugh and play and spend time together, just like always. Finding you is everything I've ever wanted but I'm still so scared and I don't know what to do." I've always been weak. The little brother to be protected, to be pitied. Perhaps a part of me could tell, way back when (when our fences were painted white and pain didn't exist) that I wasn't supposed to be here. Not in this perfect family made up of Mordecai and Mom and Dad. I was a black stain painted over by thick bristles and they made me perfect even though I was anything but. They made me a part of their family even though I should have never even be born. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. My lungs whistle against Cai's jacket, no longer able to hide the panic which consumes me. "Help me, please." I sound small and weak because that is what I am.