tiny, tiny parts -- lalia

[ghosty]

I had always said that life could go back to normal after things happen. But that just isn't true. I'm still different from when my parents were still alive, before everything became too much for them. And I can't imagine what it was to cause them to decide that enough it enough. That they just want to give up. If they were still at the training centre that they grew up in, they would be called cowards, from calling the towel too early, and that fights should always last until the end. But they decided no, that nothing was worth them still being alive. Not even their son, who was left alone, to survive for himself. It was lucky I found the circus before another winter could starve me up again, and maybe not experience the warm spring air when it came to it the year after. And then I could understand where the thoughts of death had come from, when everything became too much to bear. Or just too much work left to survive.

The circus camp was always quiet after dark, and the circus has all been closed up for the day. Only because sleeping in tents is easy in the best of times, without a way in limiting in what ever way it is. And everyone here, apart from maybe me, has a reason for not sleeping. Mine is merely the inability to stop my mind from spinning to the theft that could allow me to leave the camp, and live a real life. And I decide that, tonight, enough is enough. I hear the almost silent mewing of a cat, and the person that springs to mind, normally awake until the moments when even the world seems to sleep. Hallow. And I just want someone to talk to, a way to soothe my restless mind. Or crack a glass ball over my head, because that does exactly the same thing, really. It does feel strange, trying to talk to someone when for years prior, I tried to keep me just to me. I wanted to be my own person, without anyone knowing a piece of me. And I want to change that.

Each and every step towards the tent that she owns makes my head shout faster, 'what if you wake her up? what if she doesn't want to see you? what if...' I block out the thoughts from continuing, and then, finally, after what seemed like a marathon from one tent to another, I stop, in front of the tent of Hallow. It's larger than any other the others, many times larger. For it is her home and act rolled into one. 'Hallow? Are you still awake? If you are, I just want a chat,' I whisper. 'Hopefully, I'm not disturbing you.' Now my heart is beating, worry that I'm going to prevent her sleep. And slowly, I see one of her cat's head poking out of the tent opening, and I almost laugh. It almost looked like the cat decided to open the door. Instead, I just stand and wait, the cold whistling around my ankles. I instantly think about how stupid it would be like if I just stood here the whole night, waiting for her to let me in. And knowing me, I probably would.