Sweet Nothings [Kire]

[Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]]

______________________

If you must wait,
Wait for them here in my arms as I shake

For the first time in a long while, I don’t wanna fall asleep.

But when I do, I’m curled up in the sheets with an arm draped across Cordelia’s waist, face pressed into the pillow with a stupid grin. I drift asleep slowly, feeling warm and comfortable, and for a while there’s nothing to dream about except the feel of her lips against mine, her body pressed close, and it’s so easy to sleep that I think I could die right here and not feel bad at all.

Though she’s still close, at some point I pull my arm away and sleep in another position, and my thoughts – dreamy as I drift further into unconsciousness – let go of the positive and drift back to something darker, to things that I can’t keep out.

I dream about blowing bubbles, and my name being called over the loudspeaker in the training center.

Colgate O’Leary it says, the name Colgate blazing with fire and tar over its syllables.

It feels too much like my own name, and I feel a tinge of something wrong, and a sense of innate worry spreading through my thought process like a disease.

Colgate O’Leary, it blasts, and I’m standing, holding my chin up as I walk towards the training room doors. I’ve got a plan – one hell of a plan – and even now I can’t stop what I’m about do do.

It jumps – a few seconds, a minute – and I’m standing in front of a target, and an innocent Avox girl is standing directly in front, and I’ve got an axe in my palm, prepared to throw.

I don’t miss, ‘cause I’m not aiming for the target. I bury my axe in her body, and the scream echoes through my ears.

Colgate O’Leary. That's my name.

The scream goes on and on until my eyes pop open, and I jump a little when I see Cordelia lying down next to me. For a moment I worry that I’ve woken her up, and I’m not even sure what time it is. There’s only darkness coming in from the window, and I feel her stir beside me. I wanna close my eyes and pretend to be sleeping so she can rest, but it’s too late; her eyes flicker open and I feel the surprise wash over me, and I wait for her to close her eyes again and nestle back into her pillow, but she’s just as awake as I am.

I wonder if she can see the terror in my eyes.

Instead of showing it, I’m grinning like a fool, shutting away all that negative stuff and shifting over on my side so I can look at her better.

”You should go back to sleep. It’s still the middle of the night,” I whisper, tracing my fingers gently over her arm. I wonder if she feels odd now that we’re both awake and sober, more aware than before of the decision we both made. Maybe she’s too tired to care. Right now I’m wide awake, my pulse still racing from the dream, and I feel an urge to hold her close, but I don’t wanna disturb her sleep if she’s just trying to get comfortable.

[Kire]

Cordelia Iraen Eaglebrooke
Between two lungs it was released
The breath that carried me
The sigh that blew me forward

His heat at my back lulls me to sleep. I lay in his arms for only moments before I fade into the sound of the rain, still drumming on roof and window.

I dream of rain, of never ending rain that floods dry packed earth until the entire world turns to mud and then murky water. All I feel is relief, like a long-suffered need is finally satiated. The water on my skin feels like ecstasy, the thunder sounds like joy, the swirling clouds represent the swirling that is going on in my heart. Before me is a single figure, a boy by the look of him and for a moment I wonder if this is a younger Colgate. It looks like him, gawky and gangling, but purposeful. I stretch out a hand to him, wanting to pull him close and kiss him in the rain, which still kept falling.

Only suddenly the boy wasn't Colgate. His hair was very pale, and he was much shorter. His eyes met mine and I felt frozen. The breath left my lungs and I felt pain, and then a burning. When I looked down I saw a knife in my chest. The boy had stabbed me, and as he walked away I fell backwards. Water rushed to greet me and the murk closed over my head like I was being buried in liquid stone.

I am on the edge of consciousness for a moment before sleep drags me down again.

This time I dream of coldness, of a shaking sky. It's raining here too, but the drops sting like hail. Beneath my feet, the ground starts to rumble. There's an earthquake, and it shudders for a moment before everything falls still, deathly still. I'm alone in the cold and the dark, being struck by a thousand shards of ice. Distantly I notice myself curl into a ball, and somewhere in the back of my mind I know that I had moved within the confines of the bed, and not my dream.

Then lightning splits the sky and the entire world jerks in a sudden movement. I'm dragged from the cold and thrown into a place that really doesn't feel all that much warmer.

The air on my bare flesh is raising goosebumps all along my body and I wonder where the covers are. Blindly I move a leg and an arm, reaching out for any sign of the blanket.

A movement beside me makes my eyes fly open. The last moment before I'm about to do something drastic I am hit by memories of last night. All at once things make more sense. I'm staring into the pale eyes of the man I had just taken to bed, even after knowing him for all of a couple hours. Colgate O'Leary, victor of the 66th Hunger Games, murderer, and no longer a virgin. In his eyes there's a mix of a few things but for a moment I think I see something like fear and I'm completely oblivious as to why. It could have been a mistake, though, because now he's beaming at me like a kid who has just gotten a sweet.

Well, I suppose that was an accurate description, actually.

The thoughts of last night quickly fixed my problem of being cold, leaving me comfortably warm and surely flushed. I wondered what Colgate thought of it, and considered asking. Instead, I watch lazily as Colgate extends an arm towards me, finger stretching to touch my arm. The goosebumps that had faded in the face of my sudden flush rose again in a trail of where his skin touched mine. "You should go back to sleep. It’s still the middle of the night." A shudder built in my spine, waiting for the right moment to send me shaking. Shaking like the sky in my dream.

In pushing away the oddity of my dream, I pushed myself up on one arm to look at him from a better angle. His light touch reminds me of why I had ever considered going to bed with an almost complete stranger - something in it just resonated with me. The same went for his eyes, and his hands, and simply everything. Even now, in the moment when regret and shame were supposed to overtake me, I could feel only the same strange and unreasoned attraction. Being at an arm's length from him was once more too far and I shuffled closer.

I placed a hand on his chest, one finger tracing the line of his sternum, and then down each rib. "What are you doing awake then?" I was rather sure of why I was awake - mostly placing blame on a combination of my odd dreams and his movement. Had he been surprised to see me laying beside him, or had he startled awake from some dream? I lay flat again, pressing myself against his side.

Something just felt so right about this that I couldn't fight the urge to place my head on his chest. Beneath my ear, I could hear his heartbeat. It was a little fast, but that could have been due to a few things - not the least of them being the fact that we were both naked and quite close together once more this night. I smiled at the thought, reaching a hand up to touch his cheek. "Was it what you expected?"

In all honesty, I wasn't all that concerned with an actual answer. I just wanted him to know that I wasn't regretting what had happened. We had both made the choice, and I would make it again.

It all seemed like it was made to happen.

Cordelia O'Leary would sound nice. I wanted to shake the unbidden thought from my mind but that would take my head off of his chest and my ear away from his heartbeat. Stupid, for all that you know it's just going to be this one night. Somehow that didn't seem quite right, but it was still entirely possible.

May as well make the most of it.

I shut my eyes for a moment and let myself hear the drumming of his heart and the wind whispering in his lungs.

It sounded like peace.

[Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]]

______________________

If you must weep,
Do it right here in my bed as I sleep

The quiet of the night permeates the room like a fog, and there’s a pause between my words and hers, leaving precious moments for thoughts from the past to seep into the forefront of my consciousness. These are not things that I want to think about, but in the dim sleepy light, the nightmare creeps back into reality and my eyes glaze over for a moment, and I’m hit by a figurative punch to the gut when an image from the Games slides into my mind. I remember playin’ truth or dare with my allies and talking about what kinda intimate things we’ve done.

When they asked me, I didn’t really have a good answer.

The most intimate thing I’ve ever done with a girl is murder her.

And the thought makes me feel so disgusting, so wrong, that I wanna pull away from Cordelia and leave her alone. I feel guilt rush over me, the kind that sticks around, and in my heart I want this bullshit to go away. It spreads through my entire thought process, and I can feel my jaw go slack, my smile fading as the nightmare’s aftershocks rip through my brain, intrusive and unwelcome. Images of blood and fire play across my eyelids, and I know she can see the way I’m feeling, teeth clenched and smile disappearing from existence.

When she presses her hand gently against my chest, my heart seizes for a beat. It’s a comforting touch, even if that’s not how she meant it to be, and though it’s harder to push out the negative stuff without the alcohol buzzing through my system, her presence numbs away the worst of it and draws me back to a kinder reality. A reality where I’m in bed with a beautiful woman – and God, I’m so aware of that fact all of a sudden – and her hand’s trailing down my chest and over my ribs. I think maybe she’s about to reach a little farther, except she lowers herself to the mattress and leans close into me and it’s so nice to have her body against mine that my thoughts are totally obliterated.

”What are you doing awake then?” she asks, and I’m trying to think of something cheesy and romantic to say so she won’t think I’m a total nut-case. She’s gotta know I’m messed up. I mean, how can she not? But it’s one thing to be a little sad ‘cause you’ve gone through the Games and lost people, and another thing entirely to be haunted by it in your nightmares, guilt-ridden for years, thinkin’ you might still be a monster. I’m afraid that she’ll feel unsafe around me, even though she must have seen my Games and witnessed all the things I did in there, and that makes my heart hurt.

I’m afraid she’ll find out how fucked up I am, and I’ll never see her again ‘cause she’ll ditch out.

Then again, there’s still a huge hell of a chance that Cordelia and I won’t cross paths again. As it is, in a few weeks I’ll have to head back to District Nine to be with my family, and it won’t be awhile before I’m ever back in this place. And God, I know I must be getting attached allbecause this is as much as I’ve ever done with a woman, but it hurts to think that I won’t see her again.

When she places her head against my chest, my heart pounds so wildly I think it’ll fly right out my back and through the door and into the hallway.

Man, I’m so screwed.

I can feel her breath right over my heart, and I settle my face against her hand when she reaches to press it against my cheek. Her touch is warm and soft and gentle, and I find myself turning my head and reaching to catch her palm in mine, kissing her fingertips lightly. It softens my next words, mixing the kind reality with the harsh one.

”Nightmare,” I say gently, afraid of what she might think. ”It happens sometimes.”

Sleep has always been a respite for me, but on occasion it brings back the memories that I want to push out. And right now, Cordelia’s closeness is a nicer dream than I could ever have, and it’s not so bad being awake. Sooner or later I know my eyelids are gonna start drooping, but the adrenaline’s still pumping through my veins and I’m hyper-aware that she’s next to me, and in the gentle quiet of the night I feel more awake and alive than I ever have.

After another moment, Cordelia whispers another question against my chest. ”Was it what you expected?”

The details of our slightly-drunken encounter jump into my mind, and the thought makes me smile. Most of the people I know back in District Nine have been doing this for years, and I was always pretty aware that I had to catch up at some point, for a guy my age. It seemed wrong to jump into it with a random person, and I never did.

Well, until tonight. And Cordelia’s not exactly familiar, but she makes me feel comfortable, and it’s just now dawning on me that she’s a total stranger.

(But God, it was worth it.)

I can feel my heart pounding a little faster at the thought, and that grin finally tugs at my lips again.

”It was better.”

Curled up in the sheets like this, I want her to be even closer, but I settle with tracing my fingers gently along her shoulder and down her back absentmindedly, losing my train of thought because I’m totally distracted by the way she feels next to me.

”Does it bother you that I’m practically a stranger?” I breathe, finding it difficult to maintain a steady rhythm of breathing with her body so close to mine. But I smile wider, and I hope she doesn’t notice how much she's driving me crazy in the best way.

[Kire]

Cordelia Iraen Eaglebrooke
'cause it was trapped
Trapped between two lungs
It was trapped between two lungs

He's so silent after he speaks, like suddenly he's gone somewhere else. I understand why as he answers my question. "Nightmare," his tone is trying to make light of it, but I can feel a small vibration in his body. This was no regular nightmare like one I might have, or one my parents might have, or any other person I walk past on the street. For us, they were just dreams, forgettable and only lasting until we open our eyes. Yes, I had dreamed some upsetting dreams, but I had never had to live them.

Colgate was a victor; his life had been a nightmare for nearly two weeks, and in all honesty it wouldn't surprise me if it still was. Except not last night, I hoped. Let at least his waking moments last night and now be a respite from the ugly world he had to face. "It happens sometimes." Was it really only sometimes? How many times had we watched another victor fall to the temptation of alcohol, or drugs, or any other substance, in an attempt to escape the reality they were left with. That couldn't just be a plot for attention like some people thought - "Now that they're out of the spotlight they just want to be right back in it." - something had to remain from their terrible time in the arena.

"Nightmare, it happens sometimes." I was sure it did.

I couldn't think of anything to say. Normally I might ask him if he wanted to talk about it but I was quite sure that he wouldn't want to. Reliving it in his dreams was more than enough, I'd bet, and talking about it would just be too much. I was glad I was able to distract him, draw him away from that dark place in his mind if only for a little while. If we were to only spend one night together then it may as well be a fond memory for the both of us.

His lips against my fingers, almost playful, makes me want to retaliate in kind by planting a kiss on his collarbone. I'm not done listening to his heart race, though, and so I refrain from the urge. I feel his mouth curve against my hand and I smile against his chest. "It was better." His heart beats against his chest and my ear like a frantic horse, wanting to run in the wind but locked away in his pen. I wanted to let him free, the echoes of his longing whinnies tingling down my neck.

I feel the sudden warmth as Colgate's hand loves to my shoulder, one finger tracing invisible lines on my skin. His finger moves to my back and I imagine the stallion trapped in his chest is now running along the path he traces, tiny hooves beating into my back. Set him free, let him run.

We lay in a contented silence as the tiny horse continues his gallop over my skin. Finally Colgate speaks, a halt in the trail as he begins. "Does it bother you that I’m practically a stranger?" I hear the huff of his lungs as his breath catches slightly, any kind of nerves could be the culprit but I have no mind for it. All I want to do is reassure him.

I pull away and prop myself up once more so that I am looking down at him, gazing directly into his pale eyes. The lightning is still there, and I will him to feel it as I do. "It should," I say, placing my hand over the spot where his shoulder meets his neck, "it normally would, but it doesn't." I want him to see it in my face that I'm telling him the truth.

Moving abruptly, determined that if he wouldn't see it in my eyes he would feel it in my action, I leaned down and kissed him. I pressed my mouth against his and instantly felt the desire from last night, fierce and demanding, rise up again. All I wanted to do was keep him here for the rest of our lives. We didn't have to leave, we didn't have to return to our lives, we didn't have to say goodbye. We could just be

together.

"Does it bother you?" My voice is small in the space between our mouths, barely audible to my own ears. I thought I knew the answer as assuredly as I knew my own, but the fear and the guilt that was supposed to exist but didn't told me that I couldn't really know.

[Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]]

______________________

If you must mourn, my love
Mourn with the moon and the stars up above

As she pulls away and sets herself a little more upright, my heart seizes in my chest at the thought of the answer she might give. I'm struck by the realization that I don't know enough about her to even have an idea of what she'll say, and the distance between us feels like she's drawing away. I miss the way her breath felt against my chest, the way she was so warm cradled up against me, but I worry more about the way my heart's suddenly pounding with this fresh anxiety. Cordelia's terrifying and she doesn't even know it. And maybe that's just me being me, all awkward limbs and stumbling words, but she scares the hell out of me. I'm afraid that I'll say something wrong and send her away without meaning to. I'm afraid that I'm making a fool of myself. I'm afraid - more than anything - that tomorrow morning we're gonna wake up and that will be the end of it, because Cordelia Eaglebrooke will have found something unpleasant about me.

I'm not so good with words, and I'm not so good with women, and I'm terrified of messing this up.

Whatever this is.

A second passes by where she seems to ponder my question, and I'm holding her gaze - trying not to look so scared - but I swear she can see the anxiety lingering there. I'm shit at hiding how I feel.

"It should," she finally says, and my skin tingles where she places her hand, just at the base of my neck. Should..

"It normally would, but it doesn't." And it takes all my willpower not to sigh in relief, and I'm grinning like an idiot just as she surprises me with a kiss. I'm taken aback for a moment at how forward she is, especially now that we've sobered up, and I think this is one difference between us. Cordelia has no fear of me - despite the fact that I'm a victor, despite everything that I've done - and to me she seems so wholly confident that I'm afraid to make a wrong move, to settle a hand on her hip and kiss her with too much force. To ruin the moment and drive her away. Her lips against mine aren't a promise of anything but the moment we're in, and the thought that this kiss, this tender thing, doesn't necessarily guarantee that she cares..

It's difficult to reconcile my doubts with the way that I'm feeling right now. I don't want to be afraid of her, but I can feel the worry securing its hold on my heart, constricting my chest in a way that hurts, and though I care so much, I am blinded by the hunger behind her kiss. I lean in - afraid and unafraid, all at the same time - and my desire has not faded. For a second, I feel comfortable and warm and right, but when she pulls away my worries return.

I want to see her tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, and I think sometimes wanting something and being afraid of losing it go hand in hand.

Cordelia lingers just in front of my lips, a whispered question of "Does it bother you?" floating through the air.

Perhaps she's too close to see my face change, our breaths passing back and forth to one another. I struggle to focus my gaze on her eyes - or to keep eye contact at all - and this is when I realize my smile has dropped away. In the back of my mind, I know I'm making myself hurt like this, just because I'm worrying, but that's all I ever seem to do. These intrusive thoughts don't go away when I want them to, and my heart's sinking in my chest because I feel like I'm gonna fuck this up so badly.

And if I fuck this up, I won't get to see her again. It's terrible because I care and I don't WANT to care. I want to be.. I want to be like the kind of person who can do all of this and not become attached, but I'm failing so bad. I can feel myself craving Cordelia's closeness like the oxygen I need to breathe, and it's too much for me to handle. Before I even know what I'm doing I'm pressing a hand to her cheek and leaning in for another kiss, and I'm wondering: which kiss will be our last before we part ways forever?

Feigning confidence has never been one of my best talents, but I try to come up with an answer that feels right when I pull away, my face still inches from hers.

"I've never.. been like this with anyone before," I say, the words dropping from my lips before I can stop them. I'm torn between the veil of confidence and the comfort of pure honesty, and the honesty wins out.

My thoughts teeter on the edge of telling her that I already care about her, but the words feel vulnerable and deadly to my own heart.

"I was going to be nervous no matter what. It's just.. you're so.."

I can't think of the right word. I stall again, leaning in to kiss her neck as I try to search for something that sounds right.

"Breathtaking," I blurt, laughing nervously. "But terrifying."

This vulnerability makes me feel all kinds of horrified, and I quickly try to cover my tracks. "And I don't mean, like.. in a bad way. I'm horrible with words."

Another pause, another moment to gather my thoughts.

"I just don't wanna mess this up," and I look at her with scared eyes, wide open with hope and fear and everything a person should probably feel when they've said too much, when they care too much. The need for closeness battles with my anxiety in a fight for the history books, but one wins out over the other and I end up leaning my face into the pillow, cheeks bright red and a nervous smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.

[Kire]

Cordelia Iraen Eaglebrooke
And my running feet could fly
Each breath screaming: "We are all too young to die!"

He's worried. I see it in his face and his eyes. I feel it in my own chest as I press my mouth to his, the clenching ache that told me that I really didn't want to say goodbye. Somewhere in my mind I knew it had to happen, though. Still, I feel the upward curve of his lips and I know that I have managed to ease his mind at least a little. His lips taste like desire, pressed against mine with a need to hold us both there. I hate pulling away, but I have to ask him my question - I have to know.

The smile has fallen from the corners of his mouth into the abyss between us, and even though it's only a couple inches it's more than enough to feel like a barrier. I want to break it, but something is holding me back. Perhaps the need to hear his answer was just enough to fend off my need to be as close to one with him as I could. Cordelia O'Leary, my mind whispers, Cordelia O'Leary.

I don't have to break the barrier because he does. It shatters around us as he touches my cheek and kisses me, once more returning to the shards we had left it as last night. "I've never.. been like this with anyone before," The words rush from him, like he had to get them out, like he hadn't known he was going to say them. I'm searching for something to say but all that comes to my mind is I know because behind every thought I'm having is the soft chant of Cordelia O'Leary and I try to tell myself that I hardly know him but my mind won't listen. "I was going to be nervous no matter what. It's just.. you're so.." Perhaps I didn't know, maybe he was just talking about the fact that he had never slept with someone before.

And I'm so what..?

"Breathtaking, but terrifying." He's laughing but it's not humorous. I feel the nerves running from his body to mine and I want to laugh with him, almost hysterically. "And I don't mean, like.. in a bad way. I'm horrible with words." I don't know what to say but I can feel the heat in my face and I'm not embarrassed - I'm... flattered? surprised?

happy?

"I just don't wanna mess this up." His eyes are large and full of fear and all I want to do is bring him close. He's flushed too and god I didn't think my face could get any hotter. I swing my leg over him so I'm sitting on his chest, looking down at him. The desire is mixing with the heat in my face and I am barely able to pause for long enough to address what he had just said with words. "This is different," I move enough to indicate that I mean us, "and I look in your eyes and I get this jolt and I don't know what it is or why." My hands reach down to cup his cheeks, making him look at me.

"You won't mess this up."

I want to say I'm scared too but it doesn't feel right to say it so I show it instead. I bend down to kiss him, hard, and show him with my body what I can't tell him with my words.

f a d e  t o  b l a c k

I pray to god this breath will last
As it pushes past my lips
As I... Gasp

Finis

[googlefont="Allura:400"]