dead hearts are { e v e r y w h e r e } // key

[Stare]

94:22:26

tell me everything that happened
tell me everything you saw
they had lights inside their eyes
they had lights inside their eyes

"I'm leaving."

"Okay."

There should be more words between us. Their absence is a yawning gap between us, something that aches and festers. Ripred, I'm so sick of losing everyone. And I want to grab at his wrist, to pull him back and keep him here, because doesn't he know how alone I'll feel without him? Even if it's someone who probably hates me, who should hate me, the memories of porcelain shards and fractured smiles makes him better company than most and certainly preferable to nothing. For a moment I'm convinced that he's leaving me because he's finally figured it out, just like everyone else has - I'm not worth sticking around for. Stella learned it the hard way.

I've been counting the cannons. There are only eight of us left. We'd probably be forced to turn on each other, anyway, and I can't do that again. I can't kill someone I care about.

But -

(Clockwork. It would have gone so much more smoothly if you had just stuck to the plan.)

- I don't want him to leave.

Not like this. So I look up from fiddling with the beautiful pen and focus on him as he shoulders his bag, gnawing at my lower lip. (machines function alone. sometimes they work in sequence, but this isn't an assembly line. it's the opposite.) And really, what do we have in common anymore besides our pain?

Maybe that's enough.

I don't stop him with words because I don't have any left. So instead I stand and grab at his wrist, pulling his hand toward me. My pen strokes are careful against his skin, and as I write I wonder if he hates his hands as much as I do these days. Too much blood that won't come off.

When I've finished I look up at him, my gaze so broken that I'm sure I look pathetic. I always thought the hard part of the Games would be the killing. But it's not. The hard part is losing everything. Friends, allies, yourself. It hurts worse than anything else. There are only two people left in this Arena that I ever cared about, and now Sue's leaving. And the other...

Kirito. My chest hardens over, jaw clenching. I feel the fire in my gaze. "When you kill him... make sure he feels it."

For a moment I'm sure he won't respond. That he'll just turn away and leave, just like everyone else in my life. Just like Mama. But he doesn't, and I don't know whether it makes me feel relieved or condemned. "People like him don't feel anything."

People like him? Doesn't he mean people like us? Sue's seen me covered in my ally's blood, crumbling like a coward. He's seen me fall apart. He knows I'm beyond fixing. Hasn't he guessed by now? Kirito is a coward, a madman, a killer.

But I'm no better. None of us are.

"Hell, people like us don't feel anything. We're already dead, aren't we?" It certainly feels like it. But then again, I'm not sure death is supposed to hurt this much.

"I can't agree. We're still completely alive, whether that's a good or a bad thing I don't know anymore."

Bad. If this is what it means to feel alive, then I don't want it. I'm not sure where the tears come from but suddenly they're streaming down my cheeks, and it takes all my self control not to break down blubbering like a two year old. Instead I suck in a few deep breaths, focusing on the sounds of the clock tower's mechanisms. I thought it would help, to come here, but that was a foolish thought. This isn't home. I'm not even sure what home is anymore. "What kind of life are we even fighting for, Sue?"

"I lost any kind of life worth fighting for when I was seven, I'm not fighting for the life anymore." My heart sinks. I'd almost been hoping he'd be able to give me some kind of hope. But why would he? Sue Tate doesn't owe me anything, especially not lies. "I guess I'm fighting to try to erase the smudges lies have made on my life, Kiena."

I glance back over at my things, squeezing my eyes shut. This goodbye feels too much like forever. And for some reason, even though he should be my enemy, even though the cruel logic that I've buried deep within me screams to bury a knife in his chest now that I have the chance, I don't want to leave it like this. "All these fights lead to the same place. We're going to be okay in the end, one way or another."

"Don't tell yourself it's going to be alright, Key. Don't lie to yourself, lies are a poison none of us are immune to."

And what can I say to that?

Don't go.

He does. He leaves, and there's nothing I can do to stop him. Nothing I would do even if I could, because he deserves better and we both know it. And the word Key echoes even after his footsteps have faded, even after he's gone. I don't know if he realizes he said it, or if he knew what it meant.

We were friends, weren't we, Sue?

And now that I'm completely on my own, that's what hurts the most. The fact that yes, we were friends.

Sue, Kirito, Nat, Stella, Simon, Rowan.

All that's left now are empty chests and hollow heartbeats.

I'm alone.

please, please tell me what they look like
did they seem afraid of you?
they were kids that I once knew
they were kids that I once knew