in these seldom moments {trix,sax,ty}

[grim.]

I.WAS.PROMISED.

I was still shaking from what had happened only moments before. I had lost the only thing keeping me together these last few months. His stupid broken heart only seemed to fuel mine, but now mine was just as broken as his. I step into a train that feels groundless, unnatural. I could tell that it was floating, but I hated the sensation, couldn't it easily derail? I had to spend time thinking about pitifully pointless things like this cause tears were worthless. 

The bitter silence of a room with another boy had brought my head to a hang. I sit against a windowed seat, and watch as the train takes off. Nobody waves, nobody smiles. Only solemn expressions, and saddened glares. From here on out I was alone, and from here on out my head was going to have to keep me alive. The only thing keeping me back is my fear of blood. I would have to get over it, spewing in front of a camera was not my forte, but the thought of the pain that must cause makes me sick. I still am not sure if I can even comprehend the idea of separating someone else's skin. 

The boy across the room had dishwasher blonde hair, and an expression that I was incapable of reading. His eyes matched the color of mine, and I seem to recognize him. I do believe we share the same grade, perhaps a few classes in the past. I wouldn't be the one to say hello, it wasn't going to do me much good. The sky above us begins to move at such a rapid pace. The train had to have been going at a ridiculous speed. It was almost stomach churning, this sensation. Motion sickness wasn't something I wanted to experience here and now. 

I begin to look at the hands that are resting in my lap. How just moments ago they were wrapped around Xavier's neck, how his lips felt against mine. But I also com to the realization that I would never again get to enter that bliss. How something so perfect can be thrown to shit with a single name...mine. There was always the possibility of victor ship, of coming home to a smiling Xavier, getting him the help for his heart condition, but in reality, I wasn't strong enough. I would never be strong enough.

He had always been the one who was destined to die, though he was the only thing keeping me alive. He was my strength, just as he was my life. These thoughts of him radiate through my skull, and a single stream of sadness falls from my face. Here I go making a joke out of myself for the second time today. Eradication was necessary, there could be no more of this. I sit up, wipe my face and prepare for whats ahead, though I may be weak now, I was going to be most improved, I was going to have to make a big god damn change. 

For now I gaze into the falling sun, but tomorrow I wreak havoc upon myself...as they say, pain is weakness leaving the body.

S A X T O N.

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0!

[lance]

Shock. Anger. Sadness. Fear.

All of those were emotions that had coursed through my body within the last few moments, moments after the fateful moment when I had been selected for the Hunger Games. 

And now, all that was left was a sense of numbness, as if my body had ceased feeling any emotion at all and had just decided to shut down my nervous system. A sense of numbness that left my body trembling ever so slightly and whatever tears I had not already cried out at the final goodbye welling in my ducts. Thoughts of disbelief still flashing like a neon sign in my head, like the idea that I had just gotten sent to my very probable death hadn't quite yet registered itself in my brain, even as the train speeds away from the only home I have ever known to to the extravagant excesses of the Capitol.

The landscape blurs past my vision in a wave of green, yellow, and brown, traveling past far too quickly for my eyes to catch individual details. Further down the horizon, the last vestiges of sunlight glow on the scant cloud layer in the distance. It's a pretty sight. Sunsets always were back home. 

Breaking my gaze from the window, I glance at the girl on the other side of the room. Saxton Hale. The name echoes in my head clearly from the reapings, the escort's irritating Capitol accent clearly evident on the consonants.

Do I know her? Vaguely. We are-no, were- in the same year at school, but our interactions together were no more than passing acquaintances. Like the people who'd know who the other was if asked, but had never actually talked.

Even now, we have only one real thing in common, and that is our home.

At least the train ride will be on the shorter side. Five did have the distinction of being one of the closest districts to the Capitol. After all, it does make more sense to have the chief power source of the nation closer to it's head than further away, kind of like how it made sense for the lungs to be closer to the mouth, and therefore, the air that was one of our main necessities of life. 

This fact does nothing to ease the tension between myself and the brown haired girl sitting across the room, and I turn back towards the window. In my moment of distraction, we've probably traveled miles, yet the landscape looks no different than it did before, the only difference being that the mountains in which the Capitol lies have maybe drawn a little closer. 

Perhaps I should enjoy this moment of peace while I can, for who knows how many I'll get in the brief remainder of my life. 

[rook]

♕ { p a t r i c i a v a l f i e r n o} ♕
victor of the 68th annual hunger games

lean into my side
never felt alive
call the chants inside
we will wait for this
we will wait for this

"Tish!" Phelix greets me as I board the train. The toddler beams at me with all the innocence of a two year old who has no idea what world he's living in. This day is my least favorite day of the year, but Phelix Turner is far too young to even understand what the Reaping is.

The automatic doors seal behind me like a vacuum, and the low hum of the engine gets louder.
"Hey squirt!" I smile. Lethe is behind him, stacking away her luggage. Bags of diapers and baby food most likely, home comforts to distract her in the carbon-fibre jungle of the Capitol. I never bother to bring anything, they have everything I could ever want or need.

"Ro-bot-hand. Ro-bot-hand!" He frowns and makes bleeping sounds. I laugh, crouching down to meet him eye-level. I extend my synthetic hand and poke him gently on the chest.
"Ro-bot-hand!" I copy him, and he giggles uncontrollably. Lethe looks over and smiles, and we make eye contact for a split second, before I look away quickly.

I brought Phelix into this world, on that cold winter night two years ago. I delivered him because no one else could. I've hated Lethe from the moment she cast me aside to die, but something's changed between us now. That something is Phelix. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm tired of being so angry all the time.

I stand tall again and ruffle my hand through his thick blonde hair. He's got his mothers hair, that's for sure. I look over to Lethe again, but she's occupied.
"See you later, junior." I smile faintly at the boy, before heading out the carriage and through to the next.

The train starts to move, and steady myself on the walls as we depart from Five and begin the short journey to the Capitol. We're lucky we're only an hour's ride away, I remember the twelve hour journey to District Ten. I would not want to be a Tribute from there. Too much alone time is bad, especially when you're frozen with fear and paranoia.

It's been two years since I last had to do this. Zeki and Pixie, the first Tributes that I had to mentor. Zeki was doomed from the start, he was too negative to ever stand a chance. Pixie had more fight, just not enough. Last year was the Quell, and all Tributes were in one big pool across the Districts. We were lucky to have no one from Five Reaped, but that doesn't make those Games any less of a tragedy. People still died. Good people.

Stark light bleeds through the windows, picking out the solemn features of this year's unlucky-two. The girl looks young, I'd be guessing sixteen but she could just look younger than she is. She has big eyes that are understandably distracted and lost. The boy is very handsome, he reminds me a lot of Leon, with sea-blonde hair and dark eyebrows. He seems equally as distant and isolated from everything, with an incomprehensible expression. I was the same back then. They could do with some reassurance - a luxury I never had.

"Hey," I say softly, "I'm Patricia. I know how tough this is, but if you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them."

They must have a lot on their minds, fuck knows I did. You just have to push past that and focus on how they're going to survive. Easier said than done, but I need to know if these guys have a chance.

lean into
my side
never
felt alive

theme: divinity by porter robinson

[grim.]

I.WAS.PROMISED.

I had almost felt like the transition into the Capital was going to be too sudden. An hour to prepare ourselves, and hour to come up with some kind of front. I knew damn well the world was going to have to love me in some way, that was the difference in survival. If I truly wanted to win for Xavier, I would start the work now. No time for teenage bullshit, no time for feeling sorry for myself or for him. The moment that  Patricia  Valfierno walks into the room I feel a sense of want in my body. 

I wanted to understand her thoughts, her movements, her strategies. I wanted to know every last nit of information I could. Perhaps becoming a bit more like her, is what is going to pull me out of this. After all she had done it once before, alone. I couldn't imagine being alone like that, having to train yourself into submission, submission to what you are going to turn into. I had come to the realization that I would change, that I was going to be a different person after all of this. Whether that meant a dead person, or simply a dead person walking. 

A soft "Hey", leaves her lips. I look in her direction but remain silent until the very words that my save my life are spoken. "I'm Patricia. I know how tough this is, but if you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them." she says. I immediately stand from my seat. I was going to make an impression, the first step to change was acceptance, and here I was. 

"I'm Saxton", I extend out my hand to introduce myself, but also as a form of gratitude. She is willingly prepared to save on of our lives, and that means she cared in some sense of the word. I know this place isn't my place to act like I own, but confidence had to be a plus correct? We are standing near a table, I pull a chair urging her to take a seat. "I guess you could say I have some questions, but it seems we have little time. I'd be thrilled to hear of your accomplishments in the arena, above all things." I say, a bullshit smile plastered over my face.

I take a seat in the chair a crossed from the chair I had just pulled from the table. I was curious to get to know this boy, I had hoped he would join us. Though within the next few days either him our I, or the both of us would be dead. I had felt as if this urge to make it in the arena had changed the way I would normally communicate in this situation. I was afraid, but determined, and once I had my eyes set on an item of value, I had never been stopped before. I pull the bottle cap Xavier gave to me out of my pocket and weave it through my fingers underneath the table, hopeful for a valuable response.

S A X T O N.

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0!

[lance]

"Hey."

A soft voice breaks into my reverie, shattering the daydream I had erected in the few moments after the train's departure. Tearing my gaze away from the window, I turn my head to gaze at a face I recognize only from TV and school. District Five's sole living victor, Patricia Valfierno.

"I'm Patricia." The auburn haired woman continues. "I know how tough this is, but if you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them."

Saxton immediately jumps up from her chair, almost as if there had been a spring implanted in the seat for just this moment. And honestly, I can't say I blame her. Having won her Games three years ago, this woman was the closest thing we had to a celebrity back home.

She also is potentially our greatest resource for survival, moreso than any ally or hastily taught skill or weapon. Patricia has been there and done that before, and likely has plenty of sound advice for us.

A thought flashes through my mind. Avery's voice echoes in my brain, clear as day. "You'd better come back, Tyler. If you don't, then I..."

My brother was counting on me. If I fell in battle a few days from now, then I would be robbing my brother of his literal other half. The very same reason I had adamantly refused to let him volunteer.

My mind made up, I heave myself up out of my seat, and walk over to where my district partner and, presumably, my mentor, were standing.

"...be thrilled to hear of your accomplishments in the arena, above all things." Saxton was saying, honey practically dripping from her voice. She glances towards a nearby table, then pulls out a chair from said table and promptly takes a seat.

I shrug awkwardly, plastering a lopsided smile on my face before extending a hand out to the older woman. "I'm Tyler." I say simply. Something tells me I should do more than just introduce myself. After all, both Saxton and I are lucky to have a mentor that is willing to put forth at least some effort to keep us alive. "And yeah, I really don't have any questions at the moment." I add, rubbing the back of my head with my free hand. "But yeah, I also wouldn't mind hearing about some of your achievements in your Games. Who knows, maybe one of us could get something out of it?"

I pull out a seat directly next to my district partner, plopping down in it rather heavily. It's no window seat, that's for sure, but maybe that's just as well. Right now, I'm ready to focus my full attention on any little tactic that might help in the future.

The odds may not be in my favor, but I wasn't about to let that deter me. And besides, there'd be plenty of time for window watching once we reach the Capitol itself.

[rook]

♕ { p a t r i c i a v a l f i e r n o} ♕
victor of the 68th annual hunger games

lean into my side
never felt alive
call the chants inside
we will wait for this
we will wait for this

"I'm Saxton" Comes surprising enthusiasm from the girl. Her tone is quick, her breath held in as she speaks. Almost frenzied, full of fear that she tries to convey as eagerness. She extends her hand, and I shake it firmly. I was in her position once, and I would probably just have been as keen and just as afraid. I don't judge her just yet, narrowing my eyes and holding back any sort of response.

"I guess you could say I have some questions, but it seems we have little time. I'd be thrilled to hear of your accomplishments in the arena, above all things." She probes, and I fold my arms and sigh. We have a week, which is plenty of time, but then when you're being sent to your death, I suppose it really isn't. That was the fastest week of my life. I don't think I even slept the whole time I was in the Capitol. I was too paralysed with fear and paranoia. I only really got rest when I passed out from exhaustion. Not much changes there, then.

"I'm Tyler." Comes the boy's voice. His tone is less excitable, more crippled and defeatist. I can relate to that too. I had no one to lean against when I was on the train, so I let myself fester in my cabin. It's not good but sometimes you need to break yourself before you can build back up. Tyler and Saxton, then. At least one of them is going to die, and it's up to me to help the other one survive, whichever that's going to be.

"And yeah, I really don't have any questions at the moment." He continues, "But yeah, I also wouldn't mind hearing about some of your achievements in your Games. Who knows, maybe one of us could get something out of it?"

There's that word again. Achievements. It hurts. Like they think everything I did was something to be proud of. I have a lot of feelings about my Games, not all of them are bad, but none of them are pride. I wouldn't consider anything I did in there to be an achievement, only something I did to survive. I can't discourage them, though. If they look up to what I did, then that gives them some sort of abstract hope.

"You." I point to Saxton, staring at her with cold eyes. My finger moves and points to Tyler, "Don't kill him."
My finger rests on Tyler, and then my eyes move to stare into his.
"You." I'm pointing at him, and my hand trails back to Saxton, "Don't kill her."

When I think back, I wish I had supported Blaire more. Got to know him. It's easy saying that on hindsight, but we were both so afraid that we didn't dare speak to each other. Of course, if we had Lethe there to calm us down, things might have been different, but Lethe didn't so much as look at us once the whole time. We were expendable to her, like bugs on her windshield. Only I survived, didn't I? Without her help.

"You two are gonna need each other, even if you go separate ways in the Arena. Trust me." I run my artificial hand through my sunkissed hair.
"I killed four people, I assisted in killing eight others. Those people died, and as a result, I was able to live. You wanna know why? Because I'm a killer. I know how to kill. I didn't hesitate in killing. That's my achievement."

And you better start learning how to do it too, if you want to live.

lean into
my side
never
felt alive

theme: divinity by porter robinson