Hands, Be Still [Tom]

[arx!!]

Jequirity Eckhart

♫

in this white wave

They've come and gone. My family. My Moms. My sisters. Gone. The Peacekeepers didn't even give me enough time to hug them all goodbye. They simply said, "Time's up." And then they pulled them all away from me, shooing them out the door. At least the last words I heard came from Mom.

"We know you love us, sweety."

A reassurance. That they know. That no matter how silent I am, no matter how many words I hold inside, no matter how many times I should have said the words but was too afraid, too consumed by fear (I can't, not now, not ever, please don't make me speak, speak, speak, that's all they've ever wanted was words, words, words---no, no, I can't I won't , I can't --- NO!) to do anything but cry --- it doesn't matter how many times I've screwed up or how many days I've let fear keep me from uttering a single word, they know that I love them.

And they love me, too.

But all that does is make this, this--- fucking bullshit goodbye!! Ripred, all that love only makes me hurt more.

I try to play myself a happy song in my head, try to pretend that I've got my violin in my hands, but I can only think of the sad ones. And then I can think of none at all. My knees buckle beneath me before I can even reach the bench nearby. The floor is hard, cold. But at least it doesn't beg me to say goodbye, to say anything. It may be cold and hard but it accepted me without expecting me to say a single word.

I don't look up when the door swings open; I just go on crying, letting the floor catch my tears. Because there hasn't been a single person in this world who could fix me or will ever fix me.

I've got more faith in the floor.

in this silence, i believe

[Tom]

Description/writing, Speaking , Thinking , Hears

The threads that held Riordan together were tearing, fraying, and breaking. The sound of the wind wasn't there anymore. Everything that was keeping him sane was going to be gone in a matter of minutes. Lub Dub Lub Dub Lub Dub. His heart was pounding against his chest like it was suddenly going to burst out of his chest. The threads holding him together were holding him together for as long they could. Riordan was already on his way into the rather large building that stood before the rest of the district. Time felt like it was standing still. His mind stuck completely in his own thoughts, but there was only one thought. Jeq!

Riordan has been here before. The horrible walls of the college. The way the walls seemed to decay in front of him as he reached closer and closer to Jeq. The item in his pocket fumbling around like it was weightless. His eyes was watching the door carefully. The other side of the door was occupied already as Rio reached the last few steps. The guards of the room pushing him off to the side like he was nothing but a worthless peasant in their eyes. The guards seemed to not care about the tragedy that was probably going to happen in a few minutes. It felt like ages waiting to go in, but really it was only a few minutes that had went by. The doors opened and a family came out. Riordan watched them and wondered who they all were.

Once the family who he was now going to assume was her family. A note was put into his mind to remind himself to look for them after Jeq left for the capitol. The doors were open and the guards pushed Riordan into the last place he ever wanted to be. This room had been the room he said goodbye to too many of his friends. His hand went into his pocket and felt the item that laid in it. His heart was zooming already. Lub Dub Lub Dub Lub Dub. His eyes scanned the room for her figure. She was in the room on the floor. Riordan could see the small wetness coming from her eyes. In a moment, Riordan was there beside her. Riordan just watched her, but that's all he could do. His voice felt like it had vanished from the air. He tried to speak multiple times, but on the last try all he could get out was, "Jeq..." With that silent word, Riordan pulled Jeq into a hug and held her tightly, not wanting to let her go.

[arx!!]

Jequirity Eckhart

♫

in this white wave

I should've guessed he would come. He's ridiculously stubborn in that way, trying to help lost causes. I hear only my own sobbing, marked by lapses when I take in a shuddering breath.

"Jeq..." His voice is low, barely a whisper. Ripred, no, don't ask me to say anything Rio. Please, I can't, can't, can't ... My heart aches in my chest, my eyes already tiring of incessant weeping. I clench my mouth shut, squeeze my eyes closed. I feel his arms around me. A goodbye without words. Shit. The tears fall harder, my mouth gaping open again so that the weeping continues.

I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his shoulder to muffle my cries. I know it's not really me he is hugging --- no, I've been told I'm a spitting image of a girl long lost, someone he loved, someone he cared for. I'm this broken thing that he can't help but want to fix. That's Riordan; a boy who is too selfless for his own good. He let me in when it was exactly what I needed. He didn't ask questions, he just let me play when playing was all I needed.

I was never going to pick up another instrument ever again. I would never get to hold my Moms' hands again; they would hold my lifeless hand in their own though. I would never get to hear my sisters' laughter again; they would weep around my grave though. And Rio ... I was the second girl to leave him here all alone. I'm a terrible person, aren't I?

I pull away from him, pulling myself onto the bench next to me. I wipe my eyes. Pointless. The fear had buried itself deep in my heart long ago, there was no escaping. I'm scared. And it's not going away no matter how hard I try to hide the tears.

in this silence, i believe

[Tom]

Description/writing, Speaking , Thinking , Hears

The tearing had only begun and it felt already like Riordan was holding on by a few strings. The strings that have to carry the most weight of all the grieving and horrors Riordan had to endure over her lifetime. All Riordan could hear was his heartbeat which felt like it was popping inside of him. Jequirity wrapped her arms back around him, but it wasn't enough for Riordan to really tell her what he wants to tell her. She deserved to know how he felt. His eyes were on her the entire time as she was pulling away. The tears were just as worse as they were before and that made Riordan feel terrible.

Riordan finally felt his own tears falling down his face. The tears leaving behind some liquid as it traveled slowly down his worn down face. The life he knew was going to be flipped upside down again because of one girl. One girl who has effected his life just as much as the other two have. This was the first time since the day that Navy and Theo died that Riordan had full out broke down into tears. The spot on the seat was clear for right now, but now, now Riordan had to add a name, Jequirity Eckhart. If she didn't make it back, Riordan might be worse off than he was before Jeq came into his life. Rio was falling apart already. It felt as if he was being torn in half. One half would be with Jequirity and the other would be in his home in District six.

Jequirity tried to wipe her eyes away, but it didn't stop her tears. It just moved them away for a bit. Riordan's legs finally allowed himself to sit on the bench next to her. His eyes scanning her to the best of his abilities. His own hands having minds of their own finally wipe away the tears. Riordan reached over and grabbed her hand. She was the first person that he truly was going to get to hold. Riordan finally spoke what he wanted to say, "W-Why did it have to be you... I-I.... am in love with you... want you to stay with me forever... But Riordan couldn't finish his sentence. He couldn't even tell her that. It'd just make it harder for the both of them if he did.

The look on her face showed that she was fearful and Riordan could tell. She was always so happy in Tempus, but here and now, she was scared. There was no happy smiles to go around. There was nothing to be laughing about. Riordan composed himself finally, running a hand through his own hair. He spoke again, "Jeq... I am not the best with words and what not, but... I just wanted to give you this. It's something special to me and I-It reminds me of you... On stage... playing instruments.. You were flying and it was absolutely the greatest and most beautiful thing I have seen. You were flying Jeq... I will miss the quiet nights of you playing in Tempus... Just keep flying Jeq..." The words weren't as confident as Riordan thought they would be. His hand reached into his pocket, pulling out the small item. He placed it in her palm. "I-I wanted you to have something to remember me by Jeq... Something to remember everybody waiting in District six for you. You..You have to come back Jequirity..." said Riordan in a calming voice. Riordan let himself finally take a breath that he seemed to have been holding in. You have to come back... please Jequirity...

[arx!!]

Jequirity Eckhart

♫

in this white wave

He eventually joined me on the bench. I didn't look at him, didn't think he needed another sad face plastered on his wall of memories. I'd heard whispers about him, the way he down-spiraled for so long after the first round of Tempus members were dashed with the death of two colleagues. He might be more broken than even me, the girl whose skin is littered with scar tissue and whose lips never form words. Ripred, what am I doing? Crying for my own sake? Crying because I'm scared? Everyone around me was crying because they knew I wasn't coming back. I should be mourning my own death, right here -- right now.

He grabs my hand. I want to cry harder.

"W-Why did it have to be you... I-I..."

Shut up, shut up, shut up, Rio--- Ripred. I swallow back a lump in my throat. Funny, how even after 3 years of silence, lumps still form in your throat. And I swallow it down, clearing the pathway, as if I might actually speak. Funny.

"Jeq... I am not the best with words and what not, but... I just wanted to give you this. It's something special to me and I-It reminds me of you..."

I glance at the ring sitting in his palm. It's beautiful really. Where he got it I have no clue. I wasn't aware District 6 made anything as beautiful as that.

"I-I wanted you to have something to remember me by Jeq... Something to remember everybody waiting in District six for you."

Waiting. Waiting for a casket, waiting to cry over my body, waiting for the stress of a funeral service to begin. Yeah. I have no illusions; I will never see District 6 again with my own eyes. But Rio --- he's going to hurt more if his head is filled with those ideas. I almost don't take it, the ring. Maybe then he would build himself back up more quickly than the last time he fell apart.

He gave me a chance once. I only wish I had time to repay the debt.

I open my hand, let him place the ring there. I force a smile, fold my fingers over the ring, put my hand in his. A simple gesture.

Thank you.

in this silence, i believe

[Tom]

Description/writing, Speaking , Thinking , Hears

The silent thank you that Jequirity gave to Riordan made him wince just a little bit. Just a tiny bit. His eyes watched her as his heart pounded. The situation was calling for the need to tell her, but he bite his lip to keep himself silent. It'd just hurt more later if I told... Silence is the key to Jequirity. That's all she seemed to know. Silence. Silence was going to be her downfall and Riordan could see it now. No allies. No friends to help her live. It would be herself against the world. Riordan quickly grabbed her hand again. His eyes already filling with tears again.

His voice was broken, "I...I Dunno what I am going to do Jeq. How am I supposed to sit back and watch you fight for your life while I am here doing nothing... I wish I was going with you. I should have volunteered... I should have done something Jeq... I dunno how I am going to live..." Riordan felt the tears spring to life as he stopped. His chest felt like it was empty. A lump forming in his throat that would not go down. His eyes felt swollen from all the tears that had come down. His mouth felt dry at the same time, which Riordan found odd, but didn't question it. Riordan looked up a bit and was watching Jequirity, his hand still holding on tightly to hers. The last little bit of comfort he'd get to give her. The last little bit to show his true feelings to her. He had to tell her. He had to tell her.

Just tell her Riordan. I promise it won't hurt. TELL HER! Riordan opened his mouth to speak, but no. It was wrong. Riordan was fighting himself on telling her. His insides were a battle zone. His brain was firing bullets at his heart, but his heart kept pushing back the brain. The war was continuing up through his own mouth. His head and heart were just as equally strong. The silence was thick, but it's what needed to be here with them. A silence that could be cut through with a knife, but Rio didn't want to cut it, not yet.

[arx!!]

Jequirity Eckhart

♫

in this white wave

When all you do is listen for 3 years, you learn things. Things about yourself, things about the people around you. You just know. You hear the sliver of truth beneath the lie, you hear the lie through the smile, you hear it. Words --- those terrifying bits of language --- give away so much.

I hear it in his voice. He stammers. He hurts. But mostly he is holding something back. Silence. It's not in his voice or in his words, it's in the silence that spreads deep and wide between us. I figure it out maybe even before he does, what he wants to say. If I didn't have nightmares every night about the--- the devil who tore me to shreds ... If I weren't so broken I might be able to tell him that I--- I loved him too. Not in the way he wanted, but I did. Like a brother.

But how can I be cruel enough to break his heart? He's already broken --- who am I to crush the dust until there is nothing left?

No.

Honesty is the best policy. It's a shame I've never been any good at telling the truth.

I swallow back tears, wipe at my eyes. I smile at him again and slide the ring onto my finger. It's too beautiful to be sitting a hand so marred by scar tissue, but the little thing doesn't seem to mind. It glistens in the light shining into the college anyway.

I shift to hug him again, wrapping my arms around his neck, holding him close. More tears slip past my defenses and blur my vision. But what does it matter?

I deserve one last bit of comfort before I leave home. And I find it in Riordan Einfallen.

in this silence, i believe

[Tom]

Description/writing, Speaking , Thinking , Hears

Time feels like it's slowing down for them. The beautiful smile on her face making Riordan's heart feel even more empty. It's fake Riordan. She just wants to make you feel better. Tell her. NOW! Riordan stopped his himself from thinking anymore. The little voice in his head being taken over by his heart. His heart that would have yet another bullet hole through it. And whoever said hearts were bulletproof was wrong.His heart already had two bullets that went through it. Two that were healing, this next one would rip open the two healing ones though and Riordan knew it. His hope was fading fast.

Then she was on him. Arms wrapping around his neck, head on his shoulder. He felt the tears soaking the shoulder of his shirt, but he didn't care. His arms wrapped around her waist in a easy, but painful motion. His face going into her neck as some small tears are broken free. The smell of Jequirity was consuming him. The last time he'd smell the lilac smell that Jequirity seemed to have. His eyes closed just for a second. He wanted this moment to last forever. His mouth was opening. His heart was about to pour out.

That's when the doors opened. It was the guards. His heart sank to the bottom of his chest. He was being pulled away from Jeq faster then he could react. His mind was swamped with as many thoughts as possible. His mind finally had one thought left. this is you last chance. TELL HER! Riordan was trying to push past the guards. He was saying it now as the guards were dragging him out of the room, "I..."

The doors close too fast, muffling the rest of his sentence. Jequirity was gone. His feelings never to be told to her. His thoughts completely the sentence for him. love you, Jequirity Eckhart... His body slumps to the ground as the guards block Jeq from him. His heart felt like it was in front of a shooting squad, ready to be executed at any moment. His mind wandered to everything in the past few years. He's already lost two people Naveen. Theseus. Now it was the end of his world. People always say the third times the charm. Riordan understood this because the third death in his life might be Jequirity and without her, it might just might be the end of him as whole.