Hands, Be Still [Tom]
Sept 27, 2015 20:06:17 GMT -5
Post by brad bradford ★ d5b [arx] on Sept 27, 2015 20:06:17 GMT -5
Jequirity Eckhart
in this white wave
They've come and gone. My family. My Moms. My sisters. Gone. The Peacekeepers didn't even give me enough time to hug them all goodbye. They simply said, "Time's up." And then they pulled them all away from me, shooing them out the door. At least the last words I heard came from Mom.
"We know you love us, sweety."
A reassurance. That they know. That no matter how silent I am, no matter how many words I hold inside, no matter how many times I should have said the words but was too afraid, too consumed by fear (I can't, not now, not ever, please don't make me speak, speak, speak, that's all they've ever wanted was words, words, words---no, no, I can't I won't , I can't --- NO!) to do anything but cry --- it doesn't matter how many times I've screwed up or how many days I've let fear keep me from uttering a single word, they know that I love them.
And they love me, too.
But all that does is make this, this--- fucking bullshit goodbye!! Ripred, all that love only makes me hurt more.
I try to play myself a happy song in my head, try to pretend that I've got my violin in my hands, but I can only think of the sad ones. And then I can think of none at all. My knees buckle beneath me before I can even reach the bench nearby. The floor is hard, cold. But at least it doesn't beg me to say goodbye, to say anything. It may be cold and hard but it accepted me without expecting me to say a single word.
I don't look up when the door swings open; I just go on crying, letting the floor catch my tears. Because there hasn't been a single person in this world who could fix me or will ever fix me.
I've got more faith in the floor.
"We know you love us, sweety."
A reassurance. That they know. That no matter how silent I am, no matter how many words I hold inside, no matter how many times I should have said the words but was too afraid, too consumed by fear (I can't, not now, not ever, please don't make me speak, speak, speak, that's all they've ever wanted was words, words, words---no, no, I can't I won't , I can't --- NO!) to do anything but cry --- it doesn't matter how many times I've screwed up or how many days I've let fear keep me from uttering a single word, they know that I love them.
And they love me, too.
But all that does is make this, this--- fucking bullshit goodbye!! Ripred, all that love only makes me hurt more.
I try to play myself a happy song in my head, try to pretend that I've got my violin in my hands, but I can only think of the sad ones. And then I can think of none at all. My knees buckle beneath me before I can even reach the bench nearby. The floor is hard, cold. But at least it doesn't beg me to say goodbye, to say anything. It may be cold and hard but it accepted me without expecting me to say a single word.
I don't look up when the door swings open; I just go on crying, letting the floor catch my tears. Because there hasn't been a single person in this world who could fix me or will ever fix me.
I've got more faith in the floor.
in this silence, i believe