i_want_to_feel_again.exe | dee. marr. cato. flyss.

[flyss]

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W E ' R E  B R E A K I N G
W A L L S  D O W N

N E P T U N E  L I E F D E

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You taught me the courage of stars before you left
How light carries on endlessly, even after death
With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist

The feeling I get when I look to the sky- when my eyes are vividly attentive to the stars lining my arms, and my lips part in unison with the bare breath following suit- is the feeling of one too many glances stolen subtly in the courtyard; I am five again, and it's as if all the worries of the world melt off into the heat of my fingertips. 

"I'm sure you'll have a great first day, Neptune." (She's lying)

Her eyes were full of galaxies when she spoke- like a true mother- and the aged lines on her cheeks danced with every word that slipped from her rosy-golden lips. A flower is what she was, and the smile she knotted in her lips was not kin to me, but father insisted that she was to be the woman in my life, so I agreed despite the protests that welled up almost threateningly in my throat. Her expenses may have scrawled zeroes in our checkbook, but it made the world to a man who had too little and lost too much. 

"There's nothing to fear in other children." (She's lying)

But now he doesn't even have his son, and somewhere in district twelve, he is weeping- the father of Neptune Liefde is weeping- and not even the acrylic nails of his now-wife can sooth the ache that has been lit inside of his chest. Beside him, is the form of a woman who has come to hate me; he hasn't worked in weeks, and it's cost her the luxary of having a full stomach and a sound mind. Still, though, she comforts him, until the tears are dried and his legs are stable enough to walk to the kitchen table. He's fed, bloated on the pills she pours into his bowl, and when he begins to throw up, she smiles and insists it's just a part of the depression. The next morning, she will report him dead to the peacekeepers and acquire the wealth that his first wife- Neptune's mother- had been hiding since the day she was burnt to a crisp and put into a little jar on the little mantle of their little house. He never knew about this just as I will never know about his death, and it's a low blow to think that the one tessarae I had put upon myself at the brisk age of thirteen was but a speck to the amount she had taken out ever since I had become of age to die. 

But I do not know any of this, so whenever two of my allies leave to investigate some sort of 'light' they were absolutely sure that they had seen, I sigh and let them go. It's better them than me, I can't help but think as the chill of morning brushes over my bruised and bandaged legs; by now, we've made it to the final destination for today's travel, and when I look to my side I see Taurus, and two others- merely shadows- at least a hundred feet away, if not more. I wield my halberd with caution, but do not swing. Too much bloodshed in too little time has scarred me and left a blasting mark in my brain; twenty-four minus six is eighteen, or the amount of tributes that still walk this ground alive. One is me, one is Taurus, one is Ruth, one is Septys, and one is Chloe- my district partner.

When I see the whites of her eyes and her position at the side of the larger, and definitely stronger male tribute from eleven, I pull my weapon up higher, loosening my grip but keeping it taut all the same. I do not wish to battle, but to speak, and when I pull my arm out to the front of Taurus to tell him to hold back, I can only hope that the injured boy listens. I wait for the thump of my heartbeat to turn into stardust, one hand reaching down to my bag, and pulling out the capped inkwell set. I write a faint message on my arm before showing it to the others.

'Peace?'

I’d give anything to hear
You say it one more time
That the universe was made
Just to be seen by my eyes

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S a t u r n  -  S l e e p i n g  a t  L a s t

D A M A G E  :  8 . 5

I t ' s  a  r i s k  I ' m  w i l l i n g  t o  t a k e

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[ᕙʕ•ᴥ•ʔᕗ]

I wasn’t sure when exactly Jax had left me, but I woke up the next morning with an empty feeling in my stomach, as if I already knew that my feline companion would never come back. He had stayed with me throughout the battle, even walking next to me as I fled while supporting Kitty. He had circled all of us while we took care of Kitty, joining Harbinger’s own kitten before the kitten faded into the air. Jax had stayed though, waiting until the deepest of night to make his departure.

Once we were all safe and the adrenaline had fled my body, I spent the rest of the day trying to remove that girl’s death from my mind. Every time I replayed it in my mind, I tried to lose another bit of information, yet watching Kitty lunge at the girl with his weapon remained as clear as the moment I saw it. Jax had been the most supportive, walking in circles around where I was sitting, occasionally rubbing his side against my leg or hand. Despite the fact that he was more or less mist—and one meant to protect—every time he brushed my skin, I could feel the heat that radiated from his body. His purrs echoed in my ears and bounced around in my head until they finally calmed my nerves.

It was the first time he had stayed through and after a fight, and I should have known that was a bad sign. When I realized that he was gone forever, my heart broke and it was the first time that I felt completely alone in the arena. I had my allies—Beretta had somehow strapped on some mutt’s bones on to my legs during the night—but I didn’t feel like I was a part of them, not when I knew Jax was no longer there. And when I woke up, only Harbinger was there and we were not where we had fallen asleep. I had looked at Harbinger in confusion—surely this is just a dream—yet the ground below me felt very real, the texture of sand and rocks lining any exposed skin.

Where are we? Harbinger and I gathered our items and set out looking for Beretta and Kitty, but it soon became obvious that they weren’t amongst the rocks and sand. No, we had somehow became separated during the night and now it was just the two of us—or so I thought as I spotted two figures coming closer towards us. The grip on my axe tightened, but I wasn’t ready to let go of my senses just yet. Something about the previous day watching her die made me freeze when I saw another human being. It wasn’t until I saw the face clearly that my body was shocked into oblivion.

Neptune… My eyes would not move from his face as I did the math in my head. He’s alive, I thought to myself as the sudden realization that there were four of us in the area finally hit me. He and his ally made no move to attack, his only movement reaching into the bag. I placed a hand on Harbinger’s arm to tell him not to attack—I wasn’t sure how jumpy he was after so many days in the arena—but my eyes followed Neptune. He wrote words on his arm in ink and once my eyes made out what they said, everything else became automatic.

My ears heard the gentle thud of my axe falling to the ground as I ran up to Neptune and gave him a hug. “You’re alive,” I whispered into his ear. “I’m so happy you’re alive.” I didn’t know Neptune well before the reaping, but there was something about being placed in an uncomfortable, unfamiliar situation that made me relieved to see him. He was the last bit of home that I still had in the arena, and my emotions ran high as I held on to him and tears fell down my face. I looked at his ally, the District 9 tribute, and gave him a nod of thanks for keeping Neptune alive long enough that I could see him again.

OOC Notes

[*]

I study and keep my eyes upon my hand. I study how fondly I wasn't of the two missing peices of my hand until they weren't there. How much pain and numbness has taken over my entire arm, both severed, burned and sliced into. The burning sensation of oil on my flesh is forever ignited every time I take a breath through my nostrils, gaining that horrible lasting memory. Taurus Hawk was burnt from someone who wanted to see me die. Taurus Hawk was targeted and almost left for dead if not for my allies. Septys and Ruth have moved away from us somehow with lights in their eyes that I only could not question the intentions of. So, Neptune and I only assume the most awkward situation for them to wander away from us but soon enough, we realize that their return would not be occuring. Septys and Ruth have become part of the past as we hope they will make it back to us in due time but for now, we feel that going forward will serve our purpose. After the morning light, it becomes apparent that our destined walk has taken us somewhere completely new and with new obstacles. Under my feet, I shift with each step. The rocks underneath are not stable, but comforting at the same time. Change is here. Fear has long since left my vocabulary. Freedom has taken over as the long awaited smell of the sea is upon us. Somewhere near, the ocean lies. If only Septys and Ruth were here with us now, this would be more of a becoming joyful emotion. It's too quiet though, and with the silence comes adrenaline when Neptune takes hold of his bloodshed weapon. My fingers entertwine with the knife new to my posession. It feels so natural within my grasp that it is like a second skin. It feels right. I feel safe. The spear lies across my back, held by the backpack as nothing more than an ornament now. "Who is it..." My mouth parts very lightly. The words seep out like dropletts among the two of us so no one else hears the uncertainty in my voice. It doesn't matter is all I get when Neptune's hand goes in front of me, stopping me from getting ready to fight yet again. A day without pain? A moment without fear of my allies dying? I'll take it. Peace? The words written upon his arm tells me everthing I need and want to know. These are friends; not enemies. My knife is lowered as I study the pair that comes toward us. The girl running to Neptune, weapon laying on the ground, when she races into his arms. Taken aback, my head leans back and my eyebrows raise high with questions about these two. Lovers? Friends? For the first time in hours, I hear the whispered words that she says to him without translation. The notes sound happy to see him and my gaze drifts to the guy she was with. Her ally. Although, her weapon is gone, his is not and the threat is still there. Following suit with Neptune, I look to this muscled tribute in front of me. "Peace?" I offer just the same as Neptune did, though I require no hug from him. "Neptune, an old friend?" I question.

[Cato]

Knowing that we've all survived another day is amazing. But what makes me even happier is knowing that Annora is still alive. It's rough not knowing where she is, or how she's doing, but right now I must focus on myself and my allies. Kitty has to have help because he lost a foot. He's so young, but he volunteered for this. It's something I don't understand. Something I'll never make sense of. I can't imagine volunteering for something like this because it's truly a nightmare. Watching faces appear in the sky at night showing who's dead is horrible. I know one day my face will be in the sky with them. I've accepted my fate, yet I don't want to die. I'm afraid of dying, but at the same time I'm glad I have the chance to reunite with Crusader in the afterlife.

I don't know where I'm going, and the arena is too peaceful to even seem like the nightmare it is. Each second is nerve wracking because I don't know what's lurking around the corners. I don't know where other tributes are, or mutts, or anything. And it's terrifying knowing that even my allies will eventually want to kill me so they can survive. Perhaps going solo might've been my best option. Teaming up with Annora would've been even better because I could for sure protect her then, but I'm close to Chloë, and I want to keep Kitty safe. Even Beretta. She may be creepy and different, but she accepted me. She wanted me to ally with her. I just hope that I'm making her proud. But she's not the only person I want to make proud. I want to make Elidor and Tamron proud, and I want to make Crusader proud.

But somewhere throughout the night I lost Kitty and Beretta. I don’t know where they went, but I’m glad that Chloë is still here. I’m glad that she didn’t leave me behind like they did, and in a way it hurts knowing that somehow we got separated. Was it my own fault? Did I do something wrong? I sigh shaking my head. All I wanted was to keep them safe. To keep them all safe until I no longer had a choice. But right now it doesn’t matter. I grab my stuff and prepare to move. I’m not going to lose Chloë. I can’t let her out of my sight because I risk losing Beretta and Kitty and Annora. I can’t lose her. Not now when I need her to the most.

I keep looking around gripping the poled weapon tighter and tighter. This is my lifeline. It's keeping me alive, but I really need water. Something to drink. Something to eat. Something to keep me alive. Hopefully I find some today. Kirito and Katelyn sent me a thing to hold the water, hopefully they won't just let me die of thirst or starvation. I take a deep breath as I keep looking around trying to figure out where to go and what to do. I know something horrible will happen soon. Is this my last day alive? Is this the day I die? Or is this the day I find myself and fight for my own survival instead of someone else's? Only time will tell. Perhaps it won't be that bad because I have my brother to protect me. Crusader, my brother, please help me. Stay beside me. I need you. When I hear a noise, I almost attack, and truthfully, I'm scaring myself. After all, this is about survival.

But that’s when I see them. Two males. One from district nine, and the other Chloë’s district partner. Chloë touches my arm making me lower my weapon, but I never once loosen my grip on it. I have to be prepared. I see his extend his arm and hold it out in front of nine meaning he doesn’t want to attack, and I watch him write on his arm. Peace. A peaceful day seems nice. Something without fighting. Without trying to hurt one another. But Chloë seems more excited than I do because she’s running over to her district partner and hugging him. Oh how I wish I could see Annora again. To know that she’s okay. Peace is good, for now, but I will not let my guard down. Any funny business, and I won’t hesitate to attack.

OOC Notes
Roll