'Tis the Season // [Colgate/Cordelia]

[Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]]

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You thought by now you'd be
So much better than you are

I figured out the trick is not to think about it at all, so I don’t.

I invest my days in the things that comfort and distract me: sitting by the heater with the windows frosted from the winter cold, warm soup, soft cotton sweaters. Kisses and smiles from Cor.

I keep busy by taking better care of myself. I wake up early, right as the sun rises if I can, and I make sure to comb my hair and wash my face and practice holding my chin up like I’m s’posed to. I pick out a nice outfit and I go for walks and I do my chores, and I like to be creative, carving soap and borrowing pencils to draw beautiful things. Whenever Cor isn’t working, we go places together. I’m not so great at talking about what happened – I keep silent about it so I don’t have to think about it, and so far it’s helped.

I’m not sure if this is happiness, but it’s something.

What I really worry about is how Cor feels. I know I must be a bore, trying to cope like I am, and I don’t want her to feel like she doesn’t make me happy, because she does. I wonder, sometimes: is she tired of me? If she wanted, she could have anyone in the Capitol - someone happier, someone more secure, a man with less of a burden on his shoulders.

I love her a lot.

That’s why, this morning, I went on a mission. It was the crack of dawn – even earlier than normal – and I got up and showered and slipped out the door, quiet as I could.

(I hope she doesn’t hate me for this.)

I slipped out the door and I went down the street with a wad of cash and bought the most ridiculous present I could think of.

(She really might hate it.)

As it turns out, when you’re a victor, it isn’t easy to walk down the streets of the Capitol without getting noticed. Especially with a kitten in your hands.

It mewed at me all the way home. It’s a little black thing, with a cute nose and big curious eyes and tiny paws, but I don’t think it likes me much. It squirms in my grasp as I make my way home, and when I walk back through the door I pray that it doesn’t meow and give away the surprise. I hold it behind my back and try to keep back a smile, but the kitten is trying to roll through my hands and I can’t help but laugh.

”Cordelia!” I call through the apartment, trying (and failing) to keep the kitten steady behind my back. ”Where are you? I have a surprise.”

[Kire]

cordelia eaglebrooke

He's been so withdrawn lately. I know these past couple months have been hard on him but I keep wondering if I'm doing something wrong. I can see him trying not to let the blankness claim him, yet there are still times when he looks at me and there's nothing in his eyes. Instead of running away I pull him closer and don't say a word. I have to look out for him. For all he survived the Games, they still haunted him every day. He might have had the strength to kill in the face of death, but dealing with someone else's death and not your own is another matter. I have to be there for him to lean on, even when he doesn't want to burden me. Fuck, I'd carry him - all 6'7" of him - if that's what it took.

I see him trying little things to distract himself, and while they aren't bad things - better hygiene is never a bad thing - I know that it's not the same him right now.

When he rises early in the morning I am not surprised, he's been getting up earlier than me every day for the past month now, and though I wake I pretend I'm still asleep. What does surprise me is how he slips out the door. As soon as I hear the door shut I sit up and stare after him. Is that it, is he just going to be gone? Did he finally have enough of a girl who could never understand what he went through? Surely there's another victor around his age that he might take to, someone who would know what he can't tell me.

There's only so much I can learn from watching his Games in the times when he's out.

I'm getting worried by the time the light from the window touches my face and he hasn't come back. In the moment I decide to get up and look for him - how hard can it be to find someone like Colgate, who can't go a block without being recognized - I hear the door open. There's something weird about the sounds he makes as he enters but I'm too awash in relief that he came back to care. I'm standing before he even says my name.

"Cordelia!" The sound of his voice is unmistakably upbeat, really and truly happy, and I don't care in that moment what helped him to at least enjoy a few minutes of the day. Well, if it's another woman I do care, but that's the only thing. "Where are you? I have a surprise." My curiosity is piqued in an instant though I'm also a little wary - a surprise? of what kind - and I move cautiously into the main room. When I see his face I can't help but break into a smile. He looks like a child that's hiding something, and the fact that he is shifting slightly with his hands behind his back almost confirms it.

I lean to the side to try and catch a glimpse of the thing in his hands. "What is it?" Moving to stand in front of him - he's one of the only people that makes me feel dwarfed - I crane my head back to look him in the face. "You better not make me guess." Trying to be inconspicuous I run my hand along his arm as I prepare to snatch the thing from him before he gets me to try and think up what the hell he could have bought so early in the morning that he thinks would be a good surprise for me. "Whatcha got there, handsome?"

Credit

[Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]]

______________________

Hold on
One more time with feeling

Cor emerges from the other room, looking vaguely worried until she sees the big grin on my face, and she lights up with the kind of smile that makes me feel unabashedly, unrelentingly happy in a moment that arrives so rarely in grief.

(Best not to think about it.)

”Whatcha got there, handsome?” she asks, attempting to crane her neck around to see the gift. She runs a hand along my arm to try to snatch it out of my grasp, and not a second later (how convenient) the tiniest of meows escapes from behind my back, where the kitten is squirming wildly. Trying to suppress my laughter with a smile, I wrangle the kitten and try to hold it steady, planting a kiss on Cordelia’s cheek as a means of distraction.

When I pull away, I take a step back and feign control, when really this is the most wonderful, ridiculous situation. Now is not the time for laughter, even with a kitten wriggling up my forearm.

”Now, I know..” I cough, trying to cover up the sound of another suspicious meow, ”You can probably guess, what with the meowing.. But bear with me for a second,” I say, readjusting my arms so the cat doesn’t fall to the floor.

Another meow, and I imagine this is the kitten’s way of telling me to hurry up.

”I got you this gift because I wanted to say thank you. We’ve been through a lot, what with H – “

No, best not to think about it.

”And I know that I’m not always the best person to be around. I get in these awful moods and I go off alone and I try to cope in every way I can..” I trail off, my face falling for a moment as I try my best to keep the gray cloud from taking over this moment.

It helps that the kitten is attempting to crawl its way up my sleeve, which makes my smile pop up again.

”I think anyone else would have left me by now – for someone happier – and it occurred to me that I love you more than anything, and..” I trail off, losing the words as they hurry to tumble through my lips.

”I wanted you to know how much I love you, and how thankful I am that you.. that you put up with me, in everything that seems to go wrong. I want to be happy, but even more than that I want you to be happy.”

At this rate, the kitten has clawed its way into my shoulder via my sweater sleeve, and I laugh as it nudges my ear with its little whiskers, in plain sight of Cordelia.

”And I thought maybe this rascal might help.”

[Kire]

cordelia eaglebrooke

He twists just slightly, trying to keep my grasp from finding his supposed gift. As he does, though, I swear I hear something. Unable to make it out, I look back into his face again. He's smiling, laughing even, and I can't help but feel a measure of warmth and relief to finally see a joyful expression on his face after so long.

He bends down slightly to kiss me on the cheek, somewhat sloppily as he's fiddling with whatever he has behind his back. As he moves back I can see that he's trying to clamp down on the giddiness that we both feel. Suddenly I'm electrified, worried and excited because he's trying to be serious now - though the ever-present twitching at the corner of his mouth eases some of the worry I have.

"Now, I know..." he coughs and I eye him suspiciously, I'm pretty sure I heard the same sound as before but he had tried to cover it up. No matter how hard I try, I can't keep the wry grin off of my face. I am listening intently, and I am taking him seriously, but he looks so ridiculous as he squirms in front of me. If anything, it looks like he's fighting with this gift that he's going to give me. What a silly man I have fallen in love with. "You can probably guess, what with the meowing.. But bear with me for a second." My wry grin gets wider as he confirms my suspicions. I try to swallow my mirth so that I can show that I am truly attentive. Still, his struggles are so adorable that I'm having a hard time.

This time when the kitten meows I know for sure that that is what I've heard. His speech is rushed a bit, whether because he is trying to keep a grip on the cat and failing, or whether he was nervous about what he was saying I couldn't tell. Still, I listened to every word. "I got you this gift because I wanted to say thank you. We’ve been through a lot, what with H – " He cuts himself off, his happy expression faltering for a moment, and I know what he was going to say. The death of Hannah, his sister, and practically a sister to me as well, had been hard on every O'Leary. I had suffered in my own way, too, mourning both the girl I had come to adore and mourning the loss of joy in Colgate. There was nothing more heartbreaking than knowing someone you love is hurting and not being able to do anything about it.

I felt useless for so long, and I worried that Colgate would turn away from me because I never was able to do anything for him. When he didn't, though, I vowed that I would help him in any way I could, even if it was just to say that I tried. "And I know that I’m not always the best person to be around. I get in these awful moods and I go off alone and I try to cope in every way I can..." My mouth is trembling, but it's not laughter that is threatening to burst through. I choke on my own worry and sorrow as I watch the haunted look crawl over his face.

We both stand there for a brief moment, wallowing in our shared and separate sorrows before I hear faint scrabbling and a smile flickers to life on his face. "I think anyone else would have left me by now – for someone happier – and it occurred to me that I love you more than anything, and..." This time when he breaks off I can see him searching for words. In this pause there isn't the downpour of lingering despair like before. Right now he just wants to make sure he says the right thing, or maybe even anything at all. "I wanted you to know how much I love you, and how thankful I am that you.. that you put up with me, in everything that seems to go wrong. I want to be happy, but even more than that I want you to be happy."

My face breaks into a gentle smile, and I can feel tears well in my eyes. The mix of emotions I am feeling right now is suffocating, but with Colgate here I know I can sort through them. After all, he is the one bringing me joy. I open my mouth to tell him that he was a fool for thinking that I would leave, but my throat has closed. Only a choked laugh escapes as a little fuzzball scrambles up his arm to perch somewhat unsteadily on his shoulder. The tiny beast sticks its nose in Colgate's ear and I can see that is tickles from the way the smile returns to his face. "And I thought maybe this rascal might help."

All at once my locked joints are able to move and I fling myself at him. I feel maniacal, laughing and still on the edge of crying. I have to grab the kitten and cuddle him so that the poor thing isn't sent flying. "Oh Colgate, you are the sweetest idiot I've ever met." Pressing the kitten to me and myself to Colgate, I look up at the man. "I love you too." I lay my head against his chest, stroking the head of the kitten. "What should we name him?" The question was semi-rhetorical, but I would like to hear what Colgate's name ideas would be.

Hearing Colgate's heartbeat next to my ear, I was hit by how well I already knew him. We had barely been a couple for a year and yet I could tell how he felt by the way he moved or spoke. Surely this was too fast, people couldn't read one other that easily that quickly, could they?

I wondered if he knew me that well. Did he know what I was thinking from the look on my face? Could he see how utterly content and loved that I felt in this moment? I hoped he could.

Credit

[Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]]

This is the kinda moment that plucks at the heartstrings, 'cause seeing the way Cordelia's looking at me and the kitten and then back at me.. It's like waking up from a long nap, dazed but so alive I can't remember the last time I felt like this, fully awake and mentally present. It's just us two - er, sorry, three - in the here and now, and everything feels so vibrant when I see her smile. She pulls the kitten from my shoulder and tugs me close, and this overwhelming contentedness bubbles up in my chest, not sad, not sluggish, but wholly awake and full of love and an energy that drives me to wrap my arms around Cordelia, careful not to smoosh the kitten in the process.

Pinpricks of joy pull at the corners of my mouth until I can't smile any wider, and I laugh when she asks me about a name for our new friend. I look down at him with raised eyebrows as he lets out a little meow, and when I open my mouth to say something I end up laughing. The laugh starts off calm and quiet, but within seconds I end up giggling like an idiot - Cordelia's word, not mine - and I'm barely able to gather breath as I step away and try to gather my composure.

This is the kinda laughter that hurts in a good way, and I stand up straight and look Cordelia in the eye, trying to contain another fit of laughter before she REALLY thinks I'm an idiot. And I say between laughs, I tell her: "Cordelia... my parents... named me Colgate. What do I know... about names?" I gain some composure back, fighting back another laugh by covering my mouth with both hands. I pause and turn around, breathing deeply before I swivel to face her again, face as calm as I can get it.

"I think you should pick, I say, kissing her on the forehead. "If I had my way with things, I would have just named him Cat so I wouldn't forget what to call him. Really, I'm no good at these things."

[Kire]

cordelia eaglebrooke

I crane back to peer up at his face. When I see the wide grin plastered there I beam back at him. His laugh rumbles against me where I'm against him. It's a happy earthquake that shivers through both of our skins. The kitten meows in my grasp, sending one of Colgate's eyebrows rising up his forehead. For a moment I think Colgate is going to say something but instead I just feel more shaking as he subsides into laughter. I'm laughing too, caught up in the ridiculous atmosphere. My laughing gets harder as Colgate's dives into crazy giggling. There's a moment where we're both about to collapse to the floor until we get ourselves under control but then Colgate moves back a step and I watch him try to collect himself.

The effort needed to calm myself is a great one, and looking at Colgate - his face red and his eyes bright - doesn't help. He is calm again, or at least has contained his mirth for the moment, and looks straight into my face. I can see his mouth twitch and I try my best not to trigger another laugh attack on the pair of us or we'd never recover. In my hands, the kitten is purring. Colgate takes a deep breath and tries to speak, but as soon as the first words leave his mouth and he looks at me he's lost to the giggles again. Still, I admire him for pushing through when I can barely breathe for laughing. "Cordelia... my parents... named me Colgate. What do I know... about names?" This sets me going again and I let out three short bursts of laughter before clamping down and biting my lip - it helps a bit. Colgate's covering his mouth with his hands like he's trying to physically restrain the laughter. We're a pair of loons, but I love it.

We both suck in great gulps of air, trying to ease our breathing and by extension settle ourselves down. Colgate gains control first, managing to look at me with only a twitching mouth. "I think you should pick." He steps in close again, kissing me on the forehead. By this time I had collected my wits and managed to hold everything back but a genuine smile. The kitten buts his head against me, insisting that I pet him. Giving in, I look up at Colgate. "If I had my way with things, I would have just named him Cat so I wouldn't forget what to call him. Really, I'm no good at these things." I lean into him again, a soft laugh coming from me that was much more controlled than before.

Reaching a hand up, I pulled his face down to meet mine, kissing him. "Very simple, it's so you." Raising the kitten to eye height I look him over. "Perhaps you're onto something. though." I wink at him over the cat in my hand. "I've heard the name Cattius before and I liked it. I think it would fit this little scamp well." My grin is wide with a touch of mockery in it. "And you get to call him Cat, if you must." Turning up my nose like I couldn't stand the thought, I looked at Colgate out of the corner of my eye. Sobering some, I looked at him straight on again. "I love you, I love this," I held the kitten up, but I also meant the entire situation, "I love us." Once more, I lean into him, listening to his heartbeat.

Between us, Cattius yowls and I can't do anything but laugh.

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