the abyss will stare back at you. isobel & arissa.

[я𝑜𝓈𝑒]

☆

a quiet home, not a hair on the head stirs
sounds grave-still, no one wakes up
no rhythm speeds up, absolute dead calm
inside i think forest lights reveal a fire

I wanted to be weightless.
I wanted to be air.

I wanted to be just like Saffron Lowe-
but there is lead in my bones. It drags me under under under, into the dark abyss of the raging sea.

I do not know when my flesh first met the water, let alone when my head was swallowed with the rest of me. I do not know when I first went under. All I know is now and that the water sets my lungs aflame and there is black spattered in my vision like I'm staring at a page in my journal but I'm not staring at my journal I'm drowning my senses are leaving me numb and locked in darkness I can't breathe and-

and it doesn't hurt.

Perhaps because after so long, my senses have become so frayed, so worn, that agony is just a tap on the shoulder.

Time, ultimately, is destruction.

When you are drowning, time seems to melt into white noise, just senseless static, rolling, spilling around you and filling all of your senses. It seems to become thinner and thinner, until it is just air- but really, it is killing you. Slowly. Masterfully. In fact, you are so preoccupied by trying to remember how to breathe that you forget it exists altogether. You do not feel its teeth taking enormous chunks out of you, bleeding you dry. You are completely and utterly numb.

Time is the perfect, ultimate predator.

With the water, it consumes me.
And not just metaphorically anymore.

The sea is at war with itself.

Its waves crash into one another, like warriors who cannot seem to pick the side they are fighting for.

I have always known of its violence, its chaos- it did not frighten me. I find the white scars of lightning in the sky beautiful, the swirl of stark gray storm clouds mesmerizing. Storms never scared me.

This one does.

This one swept me away. I had sat on a ridge of rocks not far from the sea, but far enough that the beach was a thin stretch in the distance. I saw the sky open up and become an abyss, felt the cold creep over my skin. I heard the thunder roar, saw the lightning break the darkness of the sky.

But I did not feel the cold rush of ice cold water cut into my skin until it was too late. The water wrapped itself around my ankles and pulled me into its depths, into the prison it had built just for me.

And I may be the daughter of the sea, but not even that could protect me. Nothing could protect me from this, not Arissa, not even if I had a god on my side, ripping the world in two.

It swept me away into black tar.

I am supposed to be able to run my hand right through water- it supposed to fall all around my skin as I raise myself to the surface. But the water has become an abyss. I have heard the saying that if you stare into an abyss for too long, the abyss will stare back at you. But I cannot stare into the abyss. I cannot see anything at all.

(10.) Savannah Carey - "Remember those dances? There was . . . there was this one that I really loved. It was . . . s-slow. You kind of swayed back and forth . . . Come on, you three. I'll show you how."

'But the darkness swallowed her before she could.'

Darkness is going to swallow me, too, Savannah.

one with myself, breathe in, breathe out
the wide expanse is passable
for travelers and me, a mountain hall fills
rocks cliff-paint, cliff-paints in the head

I am sure that the ocean is pulling me down into its darkness by my ankles, but the water is so inky, I hardly notice. Everything looks like the same abyss. And as I am sinking sinking sinking, I feel nothing. Despite the chaos around me, the lightning that wrecks the sky and the thunder that shakes it, the merciless sea slowly consuming me, I am utterly calm in the face of death. It does not feel like I am falling. It is like I am hanging in a sea of still tar rather than water.

It is like I am falling into a slumber as peacefully as Rowan Combe did.

(23.) Rowan Combe - "Mom?"

I have always wondered if she heard voices calling to her as she was drifting into her end, as I begin to hear voices now- their voices, their words. Was it her mother who called out to her and carried her away from the Arena?

I listen to hear what Rowan heard-

But there is nothing, at first. All I can hear is the deafening roar of the sea as it forces me under under under, its relentless waves crashing over my head.

As the sea tosses and turns and twists my body without mercy, slowly, my fear begins to ebb. It is pointless to fight, pointless to resist, when I am nothing but a ragdoll. I cannot run from the this.

(22.) Hedvig Fabre - "Let's go!"

But Hedvig Fabre didn't make it out of the chaos she was running from- it consumed her.

Just as the water consumes me.

My head pounds against the memories flooding back to me- all of the words in black ink I etched into the pages of my journal. They never left me, and they do not leave me now. When they died, their voices, their words, tattooed themselves into my mind, into every fiber of my being.

They never left me, and they do not leave me now.

(17.) Dane Allore - "We're not alone."

Maybe I'm not, either.

(5.) Stella Calloway - "Finn, I just don't want to die alone."

I don't ever want to be alone again.

I had been alone for years. It is a cold, dastardly feeling, to be utterly in solitude. It turns the whole world gray. When Arissa rescued me, I didn't have to be alone anymore.

Maybe I will not have to be alone, even now.

(22.) Hannah O'Leary - "This is my perihelion; I have never been so close to the warmth of hope."

'There is no hope.'

I have not believed in hope the way Hannah did since I was young.

Do I believe in it now?

I don't know.

Maybe when we die, the sky lifts us up and wraps us in its arms, just as Hannah believed. Perhaps there are new beginnings and new endings with every sunfall and sunrise. Perhaps sunfalls are not always scarlet and gold- maybe this, this inkiness closing in on me, is my sunfall.

(14.) Nat Krigel - ". . . Home?"

In truth, my brother did get to go home. He came home, and Arissa buried him in the ground he once walked. I was not there to see it.

For the longest time, I did not have a home. Mine was eaten away by flames along with everything else. Arissa gave me a home again.

But I do not think I will be going back to it. I do not know exactly how long it takes me to realize this- time has not been a concern of mine as I am locked in this abyss. All I know is that my lungs are on fire. Ignited, blazing, the pain eating away at my sanity at first, and then receding into a strange numbness that quickly spreads across my entire being.

(24.) Elya Johnwayne - "Oh."

Oh. I'm dying.

(How ironic. The daughter of the sea dying at the hands of the very thing that created her.)

But there is no struggle. There is only the water crushing my chest as my lungs begin to break.

(9.) Iain Miristioma - "Breathe, stupid."

I can't.

I'm drowning- I'm dying.

d e a d c a l m o u t s i d e
inside i think forest lights reveal a fire
one with myself
now i sit with steady land underfoot

But I am not afraid, and I feel no pain, no anguish, either. That is the greatest surprise. Dying is like slowly, gently melting into the white noise of time, the beast that looks more like a savior to me now. Because time is all there is, now.

For the longest time, I was absolutely hollow. The fire had drank the light from my eyes and drenched everything in gray, sucked all of the color away until the whole wide world, even the igneous sunsets, were saturated. It was like a part of me had died. It was like I was a dead man walking and so was everyone else.

(2.) Margaret DuBois - "Have fun living in a world of dead men walking, Katelyn Persimmon."

When she said it, I didn't think Mara was wrong. I had been slowly dying for years- I think I had been, still, even after Arissa took me in. But as I am really, truly dying, I have never felt more alive. Perhaps I was not a dead man walking.

As I can feel everything that makes me human, makes me alive, slipping away into the darkness that is consuming me, I cannot think of any final thoughts, any final requests, any last words. Maybe I do not need last words when I have taken all of theirs.

Instead, I lower my eyes to more fathomless darkness below me and hum the song Jequirity played for Hannah when she died.

(11.) Jequirity Eckhart - "Just one last song. That's all I ask."

They wouldn't give her what she wanted, so she made her own music.

I smile.

I am not fighting valiantly to evade the strike of death's scythe. But I am not standing bravely in its face, either. I am only hanging on to the moments slipping by me.

(2.) Ewe Saw - "I never stopped trying."

I have.

There is much to hold onto, Arissa most of all, but I know that my fingers would break and slip.

(6.) Pearl Millison - "I'm sorry too."

I'm sorry, Arissa.

(24.) Velocity Rush - "I could never leave you."

I could never leave you.

But I do not have a choice.

(13.) Stella Summit - "I could never leave your side-"

I will always be with you, Arissa. Even when I am six feet under next to my headless brother.

(I will, won't I?)

(10.) Noelia Tibideaux - "Dane's dead."

I will be joining him, soon.

(3.) Willis Keeni - "Kill me."

It's okay. I'm ready.

(2.) Siren Baitwell - "You can see him again when you're dead!"

Will I see my mother again when I die?

They say that before you die, you see everyone you have loved that has passed. But I see nothing. I see nothing but darkness.

(21.) Delta Castley - "Please."

Please.

(3.) Fionbharr Stoddard - "Please."

I just want it to be over.

My hands clench into fists by my sides to brace myself, and my heartbeat slowly declines. It is as if it is stuck in slow motion.

But it isn't. It is just getting ready to come to an utter halt.

(3.) Kiena Ward - "Okay."

Okay.

Everything goes quiet. And there is no agony splitting through my body. There are no tears. There are no screams to be swallowed by the sea. There is not even Jequirity's violin playing in my head.

(24.) Draco Wellings - silence.

Silence.

That is all there is now. No chaos. No war. No fighting. No struggling. Just peace and calm.

And silence.

I close my eyes and let it all in. My lungs nearly collapse against the rush of cold water.

My fingers uncurl from the fist they had made.

I am hanging on.

I'm letting go.

the morning appears
with its calm against the storm
and now the surface ripples
and now we break the d e a d c a l m

---

I wanted to give a shoutout to everyone's tributes I referenced in this post. Their last words are each a central part of Isobel and I've had so much fun going back through games, connecting their words into Iso posts.

savannah carey [stare] in a call to arms; the 66th hunger games
rowan combe [zoe] in every sleep a little death; the 70th hunger games
hedvig fabre [tristen] in the bloodbath; the 69th hunger games
dane allore [dars] in plague iii; the 72nd hunger games
stella calloway [cait] in red.; the 68th hunger games
hannah o'leary [briar] in perihelion; the 71st hunger games
nat krigel [anzie] in white; the 70th hunger games
elya johnwayne [aya] in always gold; the 70th hunger games
iain miristioma [emsrocks] in only sleeping; the 72nd hunger games
margaret dubois [mylee] in twin skeletons; the 69th hunger games
jequirity eckhart [arx] in i want it painted black; the 71st hunger games
ewe saw [shrimp] in larger than life; the 65th hunger games
pearl millison [python] in the journey ends here; the 68th hunger games
velocity rush [kay] in i get high with a little help from my friends; the 69th hunger games
stella summit [avalon] in it comes in threes; the 70th hunger games
noelia tibideaux [aza] in the one who knocks; the 72nd hunger games
willis keeni [rook] in death in the afternoon; the 66th hunger games
siren baitwell [kire] in hell's coming with me; the 67th hunger games
delta castley [kari] in light in the darkness; the 72nd hunger games
fionbharr stoddard [rave] in bones; the 68th hunger games
kiena ward [stare] in beautiful mind; the 70th hunger games
draco wellings [nyte] in the bloodbath; the 71st hunger games

. . .


table: fox.
lyrics: "dauðalogn" by sigur rós.