Gnawing at the Corners of Your Mind // [Kate/Harb/Navya]

[Baby Wessex d9b [earthling]]

NAVYA RHODES

The victors returned early to District Eleven and everything was wrong.

A Peacekeeper had arrived on her doorstep not an hour before, demanding that she and the baby (just the baby, not her name, like she was a prop or baggage) be ready for photographs when the victors disembarked from the train. "They're here?" Navya asked, her voice strangling on the words. He nodded impassively and in the reflection of his face mask, she saw the terror in her eyes. She scrubbed her face long and hard to be rid of it.

In the end she dressed plainly, in a simple dark shift and unpolished boots. She had nothing better to clothe Vera in than her every day onesie. She'd planned to buy more once Harbinger was home and could give his opinion. She'd planned to ask him about her name, to tell him all about the long and difficult birth, to rejoice in seeing him seeing her for the first time.

She'd planned so much.

She waited at the train station, Vera tucked against her chest. She was not permitted to stand with her family and friends. Instead she stood apart, ahead, directly in the path of the victors as they stepped off the train, one by one. For the first time, she felt that three were too few. Her brown eyes flushed with tears even before the Peacekeepers herded Harbinger to her side, his first glimpse of his daughter captured and packaged for all of Panem to see.

They walked, as though in a parade, back to victor's village. The Peacekeepers stopped at Katelyn's home. Next would be their home (the house she'd occupied without him for a month, the only home Vera had ever known). Navya swallowed the lump in her throat and rather than continuing the few feet on, she rushed up into the house after Katelyn. To her relief and horror the Peacekeepers remained outside. Without their blank gazes, she no longer felt she could hold the scattered pieces of herself together. In the kitchen, she turned abruptly to her husband and placed Vera in his arms.

"I need a moment," she said, her large dark eyes going to Katelyn, before she fled. She ran up the stairs (she realized only then she wasn't in her own home and she'd never actually been upstairs in Katelyn's home and what sort of sanctuary would she even be able to find here?). She leaned against the wall, sucking in deep breaths, fighting against the tears. She wiped her lower lashes when she heard light footsteps on the stairs.

"I'm sorry they made you go through that whole - whole contest," she said quietly, her voice nearly controlled. Her gaze picked over the carpet (clean despite her absence) while she groped for more words. "It's not you, Katelyn. It's how he looked at you. Or maybe it is you, something - you are something. Anyone who's ever met you knows that. I just don't know how to reconcile the thoughts in my head."

At last she forced her gaze up to meet Katelyn's. "Help me?"

table coding (c) ghosty

[charade]

KATELYN PERSIMMON

Home.

Home had never felt so far away. The train ride had never felt so long. With the Bachelorette behind her… No, no she didn’t want to think about that. There were more pressing matters. When the doors had slid open, Navya was standing there amidst a sea of photos being snapped and Katelyn felt the color drain from her face. This was something she’d been worried about the entire time. Somehow, after Harbinger was bundled off to his wife and child, the peacekeepers had led them in a procession of sorts, a few people waved and she waved back, but for the most part she kept her gaze fixed on the road ahead of her.

They arrived at the victor’s village and she breathed a sigh of relief, having spent most of the walk trying to figure out what to say. But then they followed her into her house, and faster than she’d have expected. She tried to say something but Navya cut her off, saying that she needed a moment and tearing off up the stairs. Katelyn’s mouth opened and closed wordlessly and after sharing an awkward glance with Harbinger she followed after her.

Katelyn fidgeted with her hands for a moment and looked at the staircase with dread. The sounds of sobbing floated down towards her and wounded her soul deeper than any of the spears in the arena ever had. Biting down on her bottom lip, she exhaled slowly and climbed the stairs, each step a mile, each footfall bridging a canyon she wanted to fall off into. Nayva stared at the carpet instead of her and Katelyn felt her face redden with shame that a friend couldn’t even look her in the eyes. It was worse when she started talking, apologizing for the contest, when Katelyn wanted to tell her that she should be the one apologizing for all but feeling up her husband on national television, even if by accident.

It’s not you, she said. But it always was. It was always her fault. Iain, Weaver, Tinselton singling her out for the show. It’s how he looked at you. Katelyn’s stomach did a somersault and then fell down to her feet. Harb hadn’t – No, she’d have noticed wouldn’t she have? But Nayva had, and that was what mattered. Katelyn felt very, very small as Navya went on, declaring that a person would have to be blind not to see that she was something, but clearly distraught that she could tell that Harbinger saw it too; the pain was evident in her voice. Katelyn’s heart felt like someone had reached into her chest and started squeezing it. It wasn’t beating properly. The guilt of knowing she found Harbinger to be physically attractive was crushing her.

“Help me?” It was phrased as a question. One Katelyn didn’t have the answer to. Not really. But she tried.“Navya, I-” she began plaintively, holding her gaze even though it was burning holes in her.“I thought about you the entire time he was on that show. I never-“ she struggled to find the words as so many of them were fighting for the right to be said. “Tinselton didn’t even- then the arena- and the-” She paused, feeling extremely flustered before the next sentence was blurted out. “I’m so, so sorry, God I’m sorry, I- and having to sit through that and you were here alone and the baby and-“ Katelyn hid her face in her hands as the stream of words became a river. “No wife should have to deal with that.”

When she took her hands away, there were tears rolling down her cheeks. When she started speaking again, she couldn’t stop herself from wringing her hands together; all the stress she’d been under since the day Weaver and Iona had died bubbling to the surface. “You’re just so kind and helpful and loving and-“ Katelyn’s shoulders sagged from the weight of her emotions. “Nothing happened between us; I don’t know what all they’ve been saying about me but-“ she groaned, digging her palms into her closed eyes. “I know it must have hurt. I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

"I'm a realist, and an optimist,

but I swear to you, I'm not getting over this."



table coding (c) ghosty

[Cato]

Harbinger Rhodes Twenty | Male | District Eleven

Facing Navya scares me. Ever since I was forced to be on that stupid show, I've done nothing but dread the moment I arrive home. I look forward to see my lovely wife, and I look forward to see my daughter for the first time, but I'm unsure how she'll react. I just hope she understands I was forced to do it. I would never put our relationship on the line, but I couldn't allow her to get hurt. She's my world. She saved me long before I saved myself. But I fear it may not be enough. The train ride wasn't long enough, and I couldn't even force myself to think that we came home alone, just the three of us once more. Looking out the window, I see Navya standing in the front, and I'm ready to run out and meet her when I spot the tiny child in her arms. My heart drops. I've missed so much, and I'll continue missing so much because of the stupid victor responsibilities. The door opens, and I all but run outside.

My eyes land on her's, and the peacekeepers rush me to her side. A silent tear rolls down my cheek as I stare into the eyes of my, our, daughter for the very first time. A genuine smile spreads across my face, but soon the happiness is replaced with a sense of guilt and frustration. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her, and I'm afraid it's going to happen - I would rather die the most painful death than live a day without her. They herd us through the district towards the victor's village. What I thought was going to be a nice homecoming was nothing more than a terrible feeling lingering inside. I don't know if it's just me, but I swear the tension is high, and I'm afraid to see what I'm about to walk into to. The first stop is Kate's house, and Navya rushed inside, and Kate followed behind her. The peacekeepers stood outside surrounding me, so I walk inside to. My heart races inside my chest. Please, ripred, help me.

Navya places our child in my arms, and she runs upstairs saying she needs a moment. I stroke my chin with my free hand trying to figure out what's going on. I want to follow them. I want to talk to Navya alone, but I'm stuck holding my daughter in my arms wondering what to do. I can hear their muffled talking, and I can feel my own blood boiling, but I turn my gaze and I look into the eyes of the tiny girl needing my help to survive. I sigh softly. "Daddy needs a miracle." I whisper softly before stumbling through the kitchen and up the stairs. Dread crawls across my skin, and my hairs stand on end as I climb higher and higher. I can hear Katelyn talking to her, and my heart breaks. I lean against the wall fighting against my own tears. I hurt her. The realization places a huge weight on my shoulders, and I don't know if the peacekeepers are still outside or not, but it doesn't matter because I have to make this right. "Navya, I'm..." My voice cracks and the rest of the words I lost as the tears I was holding back roll down my face. Sorry. But it's not good enough, and I know it'll never be.

Victor of the 71st Hunger Games

[googlefont="Nothing You Could Do:400"]

[Baby Wessex d9b [earthling]]

NAVYA RHODES

She'd made the Savior of Eleven cry. When Katelyn lifted her face from her hands, tear streaked, Navya realized she'd made a terrible mistake. Somehow, in the extreme highs and lows of the last week, she'd forgotten who Katelyn was: the first person to bring prosperity to their home district, and the person who suffered the most for it. She was both Tribute and Victor, first the Fallen and then the Heralded. Somewhere along the way Navya had stopped thinking of her as Victor Katelyn Persimmon and started thinking of her as her favorite neighbor, Kate. The transition between the two images had been long and fraught. Only now, standing in her hallway, did Navya realize how dangerous it was to think of someone as two people. Katelyn was only Katelyn; she'd never once demanded to be the crowned; if anything, she seemed to spurn the recognition when she was at home.

She was only a woman, trying to navigate the hellish landscape of their country. And if she cared for Harbinger in some way, well, Navya understood that - deeply.

With tears still leaking, Navya took a slow step towards Katelyn just as Harbinger bounded up on the stairs. After a month apart, she could not help but admire his effortless athelticism. The thought threatened to derail her entirely until he spoke. "Navya, I'm..." She held her breath. There were so many ways for that statement to end. I'm... sorry, here, thinking Vera needs to be changed, in love with someone else. They all fell to silence.

Finally, the tears dried, Navya spoke to Katelyn. "I don't listen to anything they say on the television. I learned that when Harbinger was reaped and they called him a... a brute. I know better but I still wish I could be with you. I missed you - both of you - terribly and even though I know the Capitol lies as they breathe, sometimes it's just very hard to be here and wonder."

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hands and then reached one to Katelyn and Harbinger. "I want us to put this all behind us. I want us to trust each other. What do you say?"

table coding (c) ghosty

[charade]

KATELYN PERSIMMON

The creaking of the stairs announced Harbinger’s presence and she dropped her palms, turning to look at him. He croaked two words and lapsed into silence, looking all at sea. Katelyn would have berated him but it was neither the time nor the place. So Navya kept talking, saying that she knew the tv lied, because Harb wasn’t a brute like they said during his games so any rumors about him and Katelyn had to be taken with a grain of salt. But that didn’t put her mind at ease.

Not entirely.

It was then that Katelyn realized Nayva wasn’t just talking about the show. She was talking about the weeks on end that the victors were in the Capitol, sharing the same the apartment and away from all but the most prying of eyes. She was talking about how during the most emotional time of the year for them, all the victors had was each other, for comfort, solace, to turn to. That they depended on each other; that Harbinger and Kirito depended on her. Why wouldn’t she wonder, why wouldn’t she worry, especially if she’d caught Harbinger staring at her on more than one occasion?

Never mind that Nayva wouldn’t know that Katelyn’s confidantes were victors from other districts, because she was the one that the other district eleven victors turned to the most. It wasn’t too hard to imagine that sort of situation arising and Katelyn felt her cheeks redden. Navya held her hands out to Katelyn and Harbinger and implored them to just build a trust that had apparently been broken by the show, unless it had been broken before that in Navya’s mind. She wanted to know that she didn’t have to worry about the two of them being alone and unsupervised.

Again, not because of anything Katelyn had did, but because of the way Harbinger looked at her, because she felt that there could be something between them. Katelyn wanted to curl up and blow away like a dead leaf in autumn. How Navya’s feelings had escaped her this long horrified her. No one, especially not one of her friends should have ever had to think that she could or would betray them like that. She’d never take someone’s man. But assuaging her fears, that meant full disclosure. Didn’t it? Let her know the truth, even if it stung, because then she’d never have to wonder again.

Or would she wonder more? What was the right thing to say here?

She wiped the tears off of her cheeks and affixed her gaze to Navya’s as she took her hand. "I’d…” she began. “I’d be lying if I said your husband wasn’t good-looking, Navya. You’re lucky to have him.” It was the truth. The honest truth. “But our relationship is familial. We mentor these kids…” she paused. “Even the ones that aren’t brothers or cousins I-we, feel responsible for. “ Katelyn turned to look at Harbinger and the misery on his face before turning back to Navya.

“Yeah, I care about Harbinger. But a strong attachment doesn’t always mean love. Not in the romantic sense. There are other types of love. The love between a parent and child. Bonds of brotherhood. Friendship. Teacher and pupil.” She hoped they could see where she was going with this. Her thoughts turned to a train ride, sitting at the table with Kirito backing her up, still recovering from his ordeal but wanting to do his best to help her. Handing Annora and Harbinger a small bag of homemade baked goods she’d made herself before the reaping.

“I care about Harbinger.” An honest truth repeated. “I care about him, because I didn’t think he was coming back. I thought Kirito was the only miracle I’d get as a mentor. As the mentor for district eleven.” Her eyes drifted back to Harbinger as a wan smile scurried over her lips. “Two in two years? That kind of luck never graced anybody. Not even Arbor Halt, though he came pretty damn close to it.” She dropped her head, covering her eyes with one hand and exhaling a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding in, directing her next words to Harbinger as she brought her hand away.

“So yeah, I care. I worry that you’re too self-destructive. Still convinced that they die because you didn’t. Angry, a ticking time bomb waiting to go off on the wrong person. ” She left his threats to Finter unsaid, as well as the man whose bone he had broken. If Harbinger wanted to confide in Navya about that, she wasn’t going to take it away from him. Her eyes wandered back to Navya. “Maybe I’m overstepping my boundaries. Maybe it’s not my place as mentor and friend.” Katelyn clasped her hand tightly.

“But I can’t help it. It’s in my nature to aid people. Do you understand?.” She said pleadingly, on the verge of breaking into tears again. “Everytime I look at Kirito and Harbinger I see the boys they were on the train. The tributes I mentored. What they became. What they could be. For good and for ill.” Images of Harbinger holding his baby and reaching for the whiskey rose in her mind, flickering by like trees outside a train window. She was looking at both of them by that point.

“I care because I don’t want them to turn out like most of the other mentors. Drinking themselves to death, pushing their tributes and families away because it’s easier than caring, forgetting what it meant to be happy, to have joy, to live because, the Capitol stole it all away.” The tears were falling down her face again. She wanted the best for them, because they had something that she hadn't been able to find yet. Because after all they'd been through because she had tried and succeeded where the Capitol had wanted her to fail, they deserved it.

“I care because…because…” she said heavily, holding back what could have been a sob.

“Besides my parents, they’re all I’ve got here.”

"I'm a realist, and an optimist,

but I swear to you, I'm not getting over this."



table coding (c) ghosty

[Cato]

Harbinger Rhodes Twenty | Male | District Eleven

Looking at her, so broken, shatters my heart, and I want to reach out to her. I want to help her, but at this moment, I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'm going to lose her, and losing her... I can't stand the idea of living without her. She's saved me. She's given me a new life. Yes I still have healing that needs to be done, and I don't know if I'll ever heal from the things that I've done, the things that I saw, but I've found the happiness I desire. Going to the Capitol still isn't easy. Living there without her. But I'm home now. And I can see her, and I'm starting to feel like she doesn't want to see me.

Hearing her words only breaks my heart even more. I know what was said about me when I was reaped. I know what I had to do in order to survive. I know the lies that they spread about me only building my name even more. But they aren't me, and Navya, of all people should know that. She holds out her hands talking about how she wants to put this all behind us, that she wants to trust us. Trust is a funny thing. Once it's broken it's gone forever, and I realize that Navya thinks there's something going on between me and Kate. There's nothing against Kate. She helped bring me home. She did what she could along with the help of Kirito, and they're my family. We share a bond that I feel is unbreakable. But I have nothing else for her. She's my sister. That's all.

My jaw clenches as the tiny child fights against my arms, and I try to do everything I can to calm her down, but I don't know what to do anymore. I want to trust her, but if she doesn't trust me, how can I trust her? She's the one reason I tried so hard to survive. When I saw Crusader, I wanted to go to him. I wanted to see him again, but I kept going. I had to because I wanted to see her again. And I'm starting to feel like it's not enough.

Kate's words hit me hard. It's a truth that I didn't want to hear, but I know it's there, and I don't think I can ever talk to her as a friend again. I don't want to destroy what I have with Navya, but it seems the Capitol has already done so. All I wanted to do was protect my family from being harmed. I couldn't save my own brother from the fate of the games. I couldn't protect Iain when he needed me. I failed in so many ways, and now I'm failing as a man that I've wanted to be for so long.

I lean against the wall before sliding down as carefully as I possibly can drawing my knees towards my chest as tears pool in the corner of my eyes threatening to fall down my face at any given second. My lungs start working over time, and it's taking all I have to not break down into a mess. Where have I gone wrong? What have I done? The one person I love more than anything in the world is suspicious of me. I would never hurt her. I would never ruin what we have. I don't want to have to push Kate away because I know I can't. Every year we'll travel together. The bond will grow stronger, and I wish I could show Navya that there would never be nothing us. My heart belongs to Navya, and I'm not throwing it away.

Her gaze turns towards me, and I force myself to focus on the words she's saying because I know they're important. She's worried about me, and I know what she's talking about. Finter. I need to apologize to him at some point. That trainer in the training center. I broke his arm because I was angry. What if I hurt our daughter? What if I hurt Navya? I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve any of this. I didn't ask to survive the games. I didn't ask for my name to be called. A steady stream of tears start rolling down my face as I draw my knees tighter shifting my gaze from Kate to the tiny girl in my arms to Navya.

I know I need to change. I know I have to put away everything that's holding me back. I need to find a sense of happiness. Something other than the whiskey. Something other than the anger. I need to let go. I need to do something. But I don't know what I can do.

"I care because...because...besides my parents, they're all I've got here."

My heart slams against the floor, and I don't know what to say. Every ounce of anger I was holding onto floats away as the tears grow stronger. I have a family. I have people that love me, and I love Kate as a friend. And I need her to know that I've got her back, but I don't want to hurt Navya. What do I do? I can't do anything. But I'm alive. I survived. I have to do something. I pause for a moment before fixing my gaze on the carpet floor.

"I'll never do anything to intentionally hurt you, Navya. Never. Kate is a friend. A mentor. Someone I look up to." I hope she understands that I didn't do this to hurt her, and that if I did something wrong, if I looked a certain way, I didn't mean it because she's the one person I love more than anything in world. "Everything I do, is to protect you. To protect our families. You're the love of my life, and I'm sorry that you had to watch what was portrayed on the screen. I don't know what all was said, but I had to." My voice cracks as I try to keep the hidden message a secret because I can't just blatantly state the obvious without further risk to my family. "I'm sorry, Navya. I don't know how to explain how sorry I am. I love you to the end of the world and back. Always and forever."

I turn towards Kate trying to find the words. Trying to figure out what to say. "Kate, you're part of my family. You're my sister. And I always have your back. You helped bring me home. You and Kirito. You both made sure that I could have this. A family. A wonderful wife. A wonderful daughter." I turn away because I'm afraid if I look at her the wrong way it'll be taken out of proportion, and I don't want to undo what I'm trying to fix. And I don't know what else to say. Knowing how she feels. Knowing that she cares. It's all so unreal. "We're all family. Every single one of us. Always and forever."

Victor of the 71st Hunger Games

[googlefont="Nothing You Could Do:400"]

[Baby Wessex d9b [earthling]]

NAVYA RHODES

For a moment, despite the depth of their conversation, Navya slipped into pondering Katelyn Persimmon. She'd always admired her, ever since the 69th Reaping. She'd spoken with such sincerity then, as she did now. Of course then she hadn't realized just how authentic Katelyn was - honest to her core. Even now, she admitted attraction even though it would have been easier to lie. Navya glanced aside, embarrassed that she'd begun a conversation which would inevitable end with a confession.

I care.

Katelyn's refrain reverberated within Navya. Hadn't that been her own motto, even as a child? She'd always looked after her siblings, her friends who worked in the orchards, Kirito. I care. Those words filled her and brought her back to the place where Katelyn was not a victor but her neighbor and new friend.

“Besides my parents, they’re all I’ve got here.”

"That's not true," Navya began to say and then shook her head as tears overcame her voice. She worked on wiping them from her eyes as Harbinger spoke.

"I'm sorry, Navya. I don't know how to explain how sorry I am. I love you to the end of the world and back. Always and forever."

She went to him then, folding herself against his chest, the tears streaking her cheeks anew. It was the dam bursting, the last of her anguish flowing away and leaving her resolved. At pease. "I love you too. Both of you." With a shy smile on her face she leaned back a bit, opening her arm for Katelyn to join their hug. "Harbinger is right. This is our family and we can't let anyone take that from us."

table coding (c) ghosty