Ludvig Miristioma D11 {done}

[Knuckles]

Ludvig Miristioma Nineteen | Male | District Eleven

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

Appearance
Height isn't on my side, but when I remember my parents and see how tall they were, it doesn't surprise me. I stand roughly five foot six inches tall. It's not that bad - Iain was under five foot, but it still makes things challenging. And my weight isn't anything to brag about. I'm grossly underweight from the lack of food. Whenever I take off my shirt, my ribs are very noticeable. Each of them can be counted with ease, and I have little muscle. Sage jokes around telling me I'm just a slab of skin tossed on bones. But what he doesn't realize is, it's the truth. The only clothes I own belonged to my father, and they're extremely baggy on me, but I like wearing them because it hides me. It doesn't show people that I'm extremely thin. It makes me look larger, and it gives me a bit of confidence.

I have my mother's dark eyes and dark hair. She would kill me if she saw how shaggy I'm letting my hair get - I'm even growing a beard. It's taking a while, and it itches a lot, but I know that one day it'll be worth it when I pass into adulthood. I love waddling down the road and running my fingers through my hair making it stand in every direction. The bed head look is perfect. When I was growing up, my hair was always kept nice and neat, but now I don't have to worry about it anymore. I can just hear my mom screaming frantically over my hair, my beard, and my extremely bushy eyebrows. But I haven't let myself go. I still try to take care of how I look. I make sure my teeth are clean because it's important to have a clean smile when I'm pretending to be alright.

My skin is slightly dark. I'm always out in the sun, so that's no surprise either, but I still have bags that sit beneath my eyes. I don't sleep much anymore. I get about four hours a night and that's it. I try to sleep longer, but I always end up waking up after four hours. I've even tried to push myself to the point of exhaustion to sleep longer, but I just can't do it. My cheeks are sunken making my nose look larger than it truly is. But that's fine with me. I've had my nose broken many times, and sometimes it's hard to breathe through my nose - thankfully I can breathe through my mouth without any problem. Except when I'm trying to run. I sound like someone gasping for their last breaths. I guess it's normal though. At least it is for me.

I don't have the best hearing in the world. I'm about half deaf. It's weird. I think that's why people like to make me mad because when they yell, I can hear what they're saying. I guess that's the reason. And my vision isn't the best. I'm completely colorblind. All I can see is grays, blacks, and whites. I hate living like this, but I use my imagination, and I can almost imagine the colors of the world, but it just isn't the same. Also, I tend to stutter when I get angry, excited, or nervous. I stumble over words, and I think it's where my mind is going so fast that I try to say many words at the same time. I try slow myself down and think about what I'm saying, but it doesn't help sometimes. As much as I hate it, I've learned to live with it.

Personality
I was once a happy, naïve child living in a world without any worries. Mom and dad took care of me. I didn't ask when the meal would come because I knew without a doubt in my mind that they would cook for me. I knew they would provide. I spent a lot of time allowing my mind to roam through the different parts of my brain coming up with ideas for different adventures - I even had imaginary friends! I talked to them when nobody was around. I would sing songs with them. I would do everything with them. But it all changed the moment I stepped foot into school. I had to change who I was in order to fit in and not be made fun of, and it caused me to change how I reacted in life. Yeah, I still have those imaginary friends, but nobody knows about them because apparently it's stupid to have friends nobody can see.

I'm still happy, but I miss my parents more than anything in the world. Most days I put on a fake smile to hide how I truly feel because I don't want to burden anyone. It's not right, and doing that would only draw attention to myself. See, I like being an invisible person nobody notices, but at the same time I long for someone to notice me. I want them to see me. I want someone to see the pain hiding behind the mask I've covered my face in. When I'm asked how I'm doing, I say I'm fine. I say that I'm okay. That I don't have nothing bothering me because I'm too afraid to let people in. I let my parents in. I talked to them. I may have crossed the line and broke the rules, but when they disappeared it shattered me. And I can't find a way to mend my broken heart. Yeah I would occupy my mind by working in the orange orchards every chance I got, but the distraction is only temporary. It doesn't heal me, and it won't heal me.

I'm resentful of Laia. She didn't ask me how I felt when she took us to her friend's parents' house. I hate being with them. I hate living with them. In fact, I would honestly rather move in with Kirito in the victor's village, but I won't put that burden on him. He earned the house. It's his house. I can't intrude unless it's for a family dinner or something. Sage makes me angry every single day, and every day I lose my temper and lose control of myself. I'm blinded by rage, and I speak without thinking, and he just sits in the corner laughing at me, and it only makes me angrier. I've screamed at him until I've cried - I'm an angry crier, and it only makes me angrier when the tears roll down the side of my face. Nobody should push anyone to their limits, but he does every chance he gets.

But I try to laugh. I try to joke around and ease the tension because when a fight breaks out, it's always my fault. I'm a screw up, and Laia won't listen. I try to make myself at home, but I don't belong, and they've made it clear. If they ever lay a hand on my baby brother, I'll come at them fighting. They won't know what hit them. I shouldn't have to feel like this. I shouldn't feel like I'm a burden. I want the hope that I had living inside of me to return. I want to see my parents again. I want to see Iain again. I want to apologize for not saving him because his death is eating me alive. It's tearing at my soul, and I don't know how to ease the pain.

I've tried drawing to get my emotions out so I won't punch things. I've tried writing letters. I've tried doing everything. Laia says I have to forgive myself before any healing will happen, but I don't believe her anymore. She's lied to me many times. I would rather someone be honest with me and crush my heart because I would respect that person. If someone flat out lies to me, it's fighting grounds. I lose every ounce of trust and respect. I gave her so much growing up, and she repays me by treating me like I'm nothing. And I tell myself it doesn't matter. Because of her, I have a place to stay. I have food to eat. But I'm sure if I knocked at a family member's door, they would let me in with arms wide open.

And I believe that's my downfall.

I trust too easily, and I end up hurt. I figure after the first time I would learn, but I haven't. I keep running back with arms wide open. I keep trying to mend broken pieces. Once I think I have it figured out, someone slaps me again and ruins the pieces I've put back together. Yet I refuse to give up. One day I'll find the happiness. I'll find someone who cares for me. I'll find someone that won't put me down. I'll find someone who won't take advantage of me. Sage told me I needed to grow a pair of balls and stand up for myself. It might help, but I'm afraid of losing the few people I hold close. I guess I'll get what's coming. I just have to be prepared to give people third and fourth chances.

Maybe one day I'll learn.

Maybe.

History
Life was going well. I had all that I could ever ask for. A shelter to live in. A bed to sleep in. Food on the table. Water to drink. Clothes on my back. That was all I needed, and I got to share my life with my twin sister Laia. We were inseparable. Growing up we slept in the same room, and I would give her more of the blankets needed because I wanted to make sure she was taken care of. After all, that was the big brother's job. Mother and father said I was only born about ten minutes before her, but that still made me older, and I love to take pride in it. I would give her what food I didn't eat because I wanted her to go to sleep with a full stomach. Yeah, most the time I would go to sleep with my stomach begging for more, yet I was alright with it as long as my sister was taken care of.

I thought I had the perfect life. Had younger siblings I helped take care of. As soon as I was old enough, I started working in the orange orchards climbing to the tallest of trees. Gathering what I could for the harvest. It was fun. I enjoyed every second of it because it gave me something to do so I wouldn't end up in trouble. Mother and father yelled at me a lot because I pushed the boundaries. I liked to toe the line to see how far they would let me go. Even in school I wanted to see what it was like to step across the line. If I got in trouble, I didn't care, but mother and father cared when I got home with a letter saying what I had done wrong - "You can't do that, Ludvig."

"I know. I know. It won't happen again."

But every time I went back to school, it was the same thing over and over again. Mother was afraid I end up like some sort of convict. Father didn't care how I acted. He started to withdraw himself from the family when I was about ten years old. Nothing made sense, but I never questioned it. Who was I to question how my dad acted? I had already lost an uncle to a heat stroke or something of that nature, and my family never had any luck at all. More kept dying, and I didn't understand what was wrong. Unlike my twin, I stayed away from people. I don't like having small talk, but I did have a group of friends. They were different than the people Laia grouped up with, yet it didn't matter. I fit in. I had friends.

Once again it all changed at the age of thirteen. I came home from school one day ready to put on a ragged pair of clothes when Laia met me with tears in her eyes. At first I wasn't sure what was wrong, but then I realized that ma and pa weren't around. "Ludvig, they're gone. I don't know where they are." I'll never forget the tone of her voice as tears streamed down the side of her face. I ran through the door with my little brother behind me screaming for them, but they were nowhere to be found. I sat on the floor wondering what to do. I gathered up what little bit of food we had and fixed some dinner while Laia searched through the district. It was dark when she returned home with one of her friends saying we could stay at their house for the night. I wanted to resist, but I didn't have much of a choice because I didn't want the peacekeepers to find out ma and pa were gone.

My life changed again when Kirito was reaped for the games. District eleven had been on a high after Kate won, and I thought for sure my cousin wasn't capable of surviving the terrors of the arena. But he proved me wrong, and I'm glad he did, however, it hasn't helped out much because I'm still dirt poor, and very hungry. Yet it was the start of a new life because hope was rising. It had been a long time since I didn't worry about dying in my sleep from starvation. And then to top off the amazing hope, district eleven won again with Harbinger. It was a great time. A great celebration. But my parents were still missing.

I spent a lot of time searching for them because I didn't fit in with Laia's friends. Not that it mattered 'cause I still had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, water to drink. I had what was needed to survive, but I constantly got in a fight with Sage. He was always up in my face yelling at me, and I fought back with him. Usually it was over stupid stuff. I tried to push it away because my family needed to stay there. I could live somewhere else if I wanted to, but I don't know if that's possible now.

I'll never forget when my young cousin was reaped for the seventy-second games. I stood in the crowd with the chance to volunteer for him, but I couldn't move. I thought the words over and over in my mind, yet I never said them. I had a chance to save him, and I didn't take it. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for it because he died, and I still hate Atticus for winning. I guess it's wrong of me to hate him because he tried to help Iain, but he's alive, and my cousin is dead. I want to go on and live for him, but I don't know how.

And now I'm stuck. Trapped in a world with no parents to care for me. I'll never call Laia's friends' parents mom and dad because they aren't my parents. They'll never be my parents, and I let them know it on a daily basis. I lost hope in the district when Iain was reaped, and then a Rhodes was reaped. It leaves me wondering what'll happen next. But I can't live in the future because I'm living in the presence. Whatever happens, happens. I just gotta deal with it.

lyrics: homesick - mercy me

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[Baby Wessex d9b [earthling]]

I got distracted for awhile by the extremely good looking gif :x But good, bent but not broken.

ACCEPTED!