Alecto O'Phara {FIN}

[Deleted]

[presto]

Alecto O'Phara
District 2
17
"I'm the baddest bitch in Neverland"

Appearance:

Nobody wants to hang out with a crazy girl like me, I'm just a freak of nature, as they would call it, or me. I have mental problems, and people just don't want people around with people like me. Mental problems, has imaginary friends. They don't want their children hanging out with a girl who wears tops that barely cover he cleavage. I'm a girl who has blonde hair, that flows all the way down to my breasts. 

I bet they don't want their children hanging out with a psychopath, with a green eye and  the other one is blue, especially even if their wearing way to much eyeliner.  I wear clothes that my parents by off of poor. My parents call me special, a person that deserves better than what she gets. I agree with them. I need more food on the table so I don't look what I look now, I'm thin to the bone, some of my bones are see able.

Personality:

I am the baddest bitch in Neverland. That's my saying. My parents told me their was  a fictional book titled Peter Pan, and they told me stories about the book. I got so into it I named myself the baddest bitch in Neverland. I'm mental, you know that right? I can like sense that your telling me yes. 

My parents tell me that when i was like 10, I looked like a demon, and they said that i was hallucinating. They took me to the doctor, and the diagnosed me with schizophrenia. They also said that they pescribed some pills, but they were way to expensive for us to buy them, or even use them from the hospital. 

I don't know what the big deal was, I only got hallucinations like 3 times a week, and my eye's look like a demon's when it happens. I usually laugh when someone says it, because I think its funny. Well It's sounds funny in my ears. When I get into my "schizophrenia" I kinda feel drunk, and angry for some reason. It feels like I need to punch somebody when I get into my "stage". 

History:

I was born to a middle-class family who loves me, even though I was born with schizophrenia. I wasn't born with it, but at 10 at I experienced symptoms of schizophrenia. I'm just happy my parents didn't disown me, while most families would have. Ok, got off track, back to the section. 

Schizophrenia affects my friends, the way I act, and the way I treat other people. It's hard to have friends, when everybody else and the district doesn't like me, because I'm a schizophrenic. People like me don't fit in at district 2.  We just don't, It hurts me to say it, but It's true anyone with a mental disorder in district 2, are hated by everyone, sometimes even their family. 

I get alright grade's in school, mostly C's, some D's or B's in classes, but mostly a straight C student. I know it's sad to say it, but sometimes I try to commit suicide, knowing that only my family will care that I'm gone, no one else, but I learned that everybody is going to be affected by it in someways, someone else in another. 

At 11, my parent's took me out of school for a while, afraid that I will get in a fight with another student, because of my schizophrenia. I know that they were doing the best for me, but I needed to see the light of day, not the darkness of my room. At 12 they put me back in school, afraid that I will lash out at them to, still loving me though, they put me back in an envoirment, knowing that I can lash out at any second, of any day.

At 16 years old, It finally happened. A girl was antagonizing me, and my schizophrenia kicked in at that moment, one second I was looking at her, another second I was punching her repeatedly in the face, Ignoring the people around me. I stopped once I heard a crunch, and the girl screamed. I realized I had broken her nose. I felt a pang of guilt, but I kinda felt better about myself.

I was suspended for a 3 days, and when i came back, everybody avoided me. I didn't care though. I had proved myself to me, myself, and I. My parents were not, angry, but disappointed. A phrase I have been hearing a lot of from the start of my life.

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Word Count: 769

[/presto]

[Deleted]

Bump

[✌ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ]

Hello there,

I believe I have yet to interact with you, but I am Elegant. I'll be working on this bio with you intially.

Appearance:

Her appearance section is muddled and seems to have a lot of personality in it. In the appearance we are only looking for physical, personality will come later.

They don't want their children hanging out with a girl who wears tops that barely cover he(r) cleavage.

Please clarify that for me. Does this character wear strips of fabric around her torso or does she wear shirts? In the rest of your bio you mention that she's rather poor. Would a poor person use their money on fashionable shirts (or as you seem to be saying, highly unfashionable) or shirts that might actually keep her warm.

I'm a girl who has blonde hair, that flows all the way down to my breasts.

Nice! That's a good appearance sentence.

I bet they don't want their children hanging out with a psychopath, with a green eye and the other one is blue,

Again, please leave personality to the personality section. We also don't really allow two different coloured irises as it's an extremely rare genetic condition and it also tends to border on mary-sue description.


For the appearance section, I'm not seeing much physical description at all. Please remove anything that is not physical and see what you have left. An Appearance needs to be at least 2 paragraphs. It needs to have at least one flaw as well.

Personality:

More detail on the personality! This is the most important part of your bio because it really gives the description of who your character is at their core. Put as much detail here as you possibly can; there’s nothing too insignificant! Think about why she is the way she is (this usually becomes evident in the history section) and go as deep into her head as you can.

This personality is problematic. It is alright to deal with mental illness in a bio as long as it is well thought out and properly explained. This bio reads like you've just tossed this mental disease on her without fully understanding it. If left untreated, Schizophrenia can and will quickly lead to death depending on the severity of the hallucinations. Those hallucinations three times a week would quickly multiply. It is an extremely serious disorder and if you would like to write about it, I require a lot more detail.

Continuously calling your character mental, psychotic, etc is a bit problematic as well as it is extremely impolite to people dealing with these mental illnesses. I understand that it is your character calling herself crazy in character, but it currently comes across very harsh. I suggest doing some research on schizofrenzia.

My parents tell me that when i was like 10, I looked like a demon, and they said that i was hallucinating.

In this sentence you actually seem to be demonizing her illness. Please consider rephrazing this.

You've also made her illness her entire personality. Please give us a little more about her. For example, what does she like? What does she not like? Etc.

History:

though I was born with schizophrenia. I wasn't born with it, but at 10 at I experienced symptoms of schizophrenia.

The very first piece of this history is contradictory. Please fix.

Really expand on his/her history! Go into deep detail about her relationships with family and friends, and examine how her past has affected her as a person. Generally the personality and history sections of a bio are very heavily dependent on each other, so reference both of these sections at once!

Right now this entire bio is about her illness. I feel like I barely know the character. The best part for me was when I learned about her punching a girl in the nose becasue that was the most development I read in the whole piece. I don't mean this in a bad way. Imagine that you're writing this whole bio with a similar feel.

Please make the requested changes and post back here when you’re done, and I’ll have another look at her!

-Ele