nightmarish realities {marr}

[Knuckles]

Rolf Parks Eighteen | Male | District Nine

Cause it's not my time I'm not going
There's a fear in me it's not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Oh but I won't go

Dang.

My skull still aches from the encounter with Katelyn. Yeah, I provoked her, and I deserved the punishment she gave me. Threatening her tributes were wrong, but I stand by my word. She killed my brother, and I'm sorry that it's given me a reason to hate district eleven. While they celebrated, I mourned the loss of Chaske. While they were given food, and money to survive the winter, I was starving and freezing. It just isn't right, but nothing is right anymore. Maybe I took it too far.

No. She took it too far when she broke his rib killing him.

Yeah she stayed by his side, but it didn't make a difference. He still died.

What would you do Chaske? What would you do?

An exasperated sigh leaves my lips as I move through the training center looking at all the stations. More often than not, I'm finding myself wondering what Chaske did while he was here. Did he make friends? Enemies? Did he find people he truly cared for?

I remember when the girl from home fell by the hand of his ally. I watched him. I felt his pain, but it wasn't real. Maybe facing death can change someone.

Walking up to the camouflage station, my eyes meet with the trainers, and he starts talking about how I can color myself like a tree to hide from someone around. Maybe I could even cover myself in leaves and mud so people can walk over me and never know I'm there. He talks about alternating lights and darks, and I decide to try my hand.

Lifting paint and a brush from the table, I begin my work hoping something will eventually pay off.

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[*]

It's him. The boy i watched so diligently during practice when he was using the sword. He tried so hard to lift it, to summon a strength he didn't know he had. It was that red headed girl that blocked my interest in watching him. She distracted me with small talk so i ultimately missed the exact moment he succeeded and drove the sword into the manequins neck. For a moment he had given me hope to watch someone who was much older than I and he succeeded. It gave me hope that I,too, might succeed in something but what? I held no special powers. I had no super strength or wits and charm. I barely survived my own capture.

Maybe I do have what it takes though? I have the will to live? After all, I do have a reason to go home -Camille. She'll be devastated when I don't come home. I gather my courage and walk stiffly to the table where he's getting instruction for something and then i realize what station we have come to. This has immediately gathered my interest and my full attention. "This just might be something I'm good at. "

I glance over at him and stare at him. I study his face and his eyes. His body stance tells me of his insecurities but don't we all have that in this place?

There had been three of my friends to be standing here in this center. All three have died just beyond the walls. Will I make a fourth?

"Can you repeat the thing on highlights and lowlights again?" My voice lulls out with a somber tone. Then as the trainer begins to go over the exercise again I pass a word over to the boy. "Nice job at the sword station earlier. You... are impressive." Even though he doesn't know me, I'm hoping that a small compliment can go a long way.

[Knuckles]

Rolf Parks Eighteen | Male | District Nine

Cause it's not my time I'm not going
There's a fear in me it's not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Oh but I won't go

Only cowards hide.

It must be false because I'm learning how to make myself invisible from the rest of the world. One brush touches a green, and I'm coloring on my arms trying to match it to the pictures of the tree. It'll allow me the chance take cover when nobody else can find it. But I don't have this much time in the arena. One wrong move could become the end of me. The paint tickles my arms, and I'm trying not to laugh as the childish giggles bubble inside. This is a nice break from the hard work I've been doing before.

"Can you repeat the thing on the highlights and lowlights again?" Lifting my gaze from the markings on my arms, I turn towards the sound of the tiny girl speaking to the trainer. I'm eighteen years old, and she's barely thirteen if that, and it's disgusting that she's hear. I think to my cousin, Benny. He may have the body of a teenager, but in his mind he's not that age - I couldn't fathom the thought of losing him. The trainer goes on and he's giving the directions again, and I want to ignore it all, but I can't take my eyes off her. "Nice job at the sword station earlier. You... are impressive."

No, I'm not.

The guy from one showed me up within a matter of seconds. I have nothing that I'm good at except making people mad. But I place a smile across my face because I want her to know that I'm happy when deep inside I know I'm as good as dead. But if she believes would someone else believe? Does anyone think I have what it takes to return home alive?

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place unsure of what to say. I want to thank her, but at the same time I don't want her to get any ideas.

"Thank you." I say politely with a nod of my head. "Would you believe me if I told you it was the first time I ever held a sword?"

Maybe it'll take us further into a conversation. I don't know, but anything will help. As sad as it is, she's the enemy, and fraternizing with the enemy is wrong no matter how big or small.

I just wish it was something different as I feel bad for this young girl.

Dying at eighteen is bad enough. I can't imagine what she's going through.

"Be careful." I add before making my voice as quiet as I can possibly make it and still be heard. "And don't trust anyone."

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