boo-tiful { kind

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Oh boy, oh boy oh man oh boy, oh man.

I've got sweaty hands. 

The perpetual ticking and tocking of the old grandfather clock, Burdock snores on the living room couch and I watch the sun go down little by little. It's almost relaxing, each hour a little more night, oh boy. I left as soon as seven hit, sweaty hands and dry mouth and shaky knees, oh dear lord. It felt like it was forever a wait, and literally every second I can recall. Five hours fifty three minutes and twenty three seconds.

Five hours fifty three minutes and twenty four seconds.

Five hours fifty three minutes and twenty six seconds. 

My nose twitches, "Bear?"

No answer, she tries to fake being asleep harder.

"Bear-"

"Don't call me that," oh god. 

"Have you ever been scared."

Some of the other younger girls went out tonight, holding hands and linking pumpkin baskets, calling my name as I ventured off -- "I ain't afraid of no ghosts!" I can walk alone, I can talk to Indigo, I can learn to not be afraid. Burdock laughed at me, wide eyes and a pair of teeth that could eat my entire body whole, "have you ever not been?" She puts her pale hands around my glasses, robber baron mask and I'm looking at her like she's every dollar bill, Burdock sighs. Tick, tock, I hold my heart in my throat. 

"Of course I have," the smile gone from her mouth, the black fabric hugging my body in every way possible. Next to her I've never felt smaller. "You've just got to accept it." 

"That's a concept-" she rolls her eyes. 

Laughter. The yellow moon comes up and I stare at its smile -- I've never been scared of Indigo. Burdock pulls my hair out of my eyes, wrapping it behind me, "she's just a white girl, Kai." The stepping of kids, jumping and skipping and screaming and fake blood and werewolves and I'm just a robber girl, we don't even know each other. 

So there's no need to be scared. 

My tiny fist pounds against the wood of her door, swallowing as much spit as I can -- "Hey Indigo!" A kid screams down the street. "It's me - uh - " the spice girl, the sugar girl, cumin, cinnamon, clove, "Kai!"

[✨ zozo.]

"What are you supposed to be?"

Damion Mercury on my doorstep, afternoon sun in the sky, all black and orange and properly terrifying.

"I'm a mouse," I snap, finger pointing to the fuzzy ears on the top of my head. "Duh."

He squints, arms folded, I stand my ground. He's got that disapproving look on his face as usual - good. I know he's still with me. Messy hair in his eyes, leather jacket, bruises on his knuckles, he's the same old neighbourhood bad boy. Mom walks past behind my frame in the doorway and she beams a "Hello Damion!" and back goes a smile, wave, "Hello Mrs. Venus." Back to me, he furrows his brow. "Needs something else."

A sharpie drawn from his pocket pinched in his hands, it's my turn to frown as he draws three lines on either cheek and a squiggly circle on the tip of my nose. No complaints, just a look - he smiles at his handiwork. "There," he finishes. "Now you're a mouse. Duh."

I pout. "And where's your costume?"

The grin appears. So does a red, horned headband. 

He spins on one foot and calls over his shoulder: "I'll see you around, Venus."

Pointed tail hanging from the back of his jeans as he walks away, I smirk. The devil.

How fitting.

Mouse, hours later, twilight and sunsets and a scream from down the road - good. I hope it's Damion scaring the little kids again. Not that he needs a costume for that.

Bang bang bang bang bang - and that's not Damion.

"Hey Indigo!"

Six sets of eyes turn to look at me, eyebrows raised at the dinner table to the muffled call of my name.

"It's me - uh - Kai!"

My father turns to my siblings, baffled - "who?"

"The spice girl, darling," Mom natters, insistence shrill in her voice. "Indi?"

They all sit in silence, still staring, cutlery hovering in their hands.

Slowly, I rise. "I'll be on my way then."

Six sets of eyes to the door - open - now seven.

I close it behind me. One.

"Hello, Kai."

She's tiny. Good.

"Let's go get some candy."

I grab my bucket and smile.

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I guess it's like, kinda scary.

More so the kids than the outfits. 

All they do is scream and run and throw candy at each other -- at least that's what my group did. And everybody dresses up, minute made costumes and I guess it's kinda comforting, looking down at the robber baron outfit and not seeing Kai. And that's kinda weird I mean, a change of clothes is all it takes to be somebody else, to change from a witch to a skeleton to grotesque tax evaders. And really, that's all a witch really is, isn't it? 

An outfit. 

She's never lied to us girls, pretty teeth and blonde hair and foggy eyes, witches are make believe. An outfit, the lack of substance because we aren't antagonists. We're like, underaged cultists apparently. 

It's just,

weird. 

I can't put my tongue on it, stumbling like I normally do. A form of paganism in the districts, religion isn't spoken word. It's spices and delivery girls, it's hope -- something as invisible as us. Witches aren't real darlin, a white woman holding hands with her panicked child would say, I hold my left arm awkwardly. The younger ones aren't allowed to know there's a word for it, in fear that they'll expose the coven. 

So where does that put me. 

For a minute I shuffle around the porch, taking account of the moon's watch. It's stare on others, tracing a family as their children run -- it's hard not to feel small when it's all you've ever been. The cold air wrapping around my body like a poltergeist, speaking it's words down the spine of the street. 

"Hello, Kai, I jump, my blood pressure rising like an old woman's, great. 

"Let's go get some candy."


I'm scared of doors now, okay. A second of not being able to breathe, mostly cause I'm stupid apparently -- "h-hokay-" oh boy, okay. I wipe my sweaty hand on the thigh of my pants, oh boy.

Awee, "you're a mouse," quieter than I meant to be, I wave my fingers above my head where ears should be. At this point, awkward is kinda just a state of being, smiling enough to show teeth but trying to not be overly smiley. Is that a problem? I feel like it could be - "cute." Smart, adorable. I'm a robber baron, tuxedo and bandit mask; what a pair. 

I should've just been a witch. 

[✨ zozo.]

"You're a mouse."

Duh, I think softly with a smile twitching on my lips.

"Cute!"

Awh.

"Thanks!" I think?

Bucket swinging by my side, I add a little force so it dances in the air. Act like a little kid people like to think I am. "I was going to go as a witch but that's generic, right?"

Small talk. The art my mother has mastered. My sisters prefer empty, dateless chatter for women my mother liked to call 'bimbos' and the day I heard that word my voice turned serious, like my expression. My sisters call it 'resting bitch face', I call it 'don't fuck with me'. Kai's not a bimbo, though, just bumbling. She looks like she's seen some shit. That'd explain the nervousness. And the jumpy eyes.

She's entertaining. And not in the way I usually find when I'm making people nervous or uncomfortable or petrified. I mean, yeah, she probably doesn't hang out with kids her own age but neither do I. She's not boring, or silly. She's a bit like static. Everywhere. All at once. 

We walk up to the little old lady across the street - I could take her to Damion's, for a laugh, but she looks like she might pass out and to be honest, I'd probably just leave her there and that wouldn't do well by Mom if she ever found out. Maybe she's heard about that time I made a kid pee their pants in third grade.


"Relax," I smile again - it's weird to force one, they taste weird. "You do this all the time, right?"

Up the steps, knuckles hovering against the door, I turn to look over my shoulder and grin.

"I don't bite, by the way."

Knock on wood.

[Deleted]

It's all awkward, I never thought I'd get this far. In all honesty, I expected to die on the way over here, what do kids even do together? Do we hold hands, rubbing sweaty palms on my pants lining. She bounces while she walks and I'm fully expecting not to live through this night. God, I'm so stupid, I should've just been a cat. That would be cute, right? What if she hates cats- what if she hates me, oh god, I don't look at her again while we walk. Burdock used to tell me staring at demons made them stronger, something about eye contact or something I don't know, I just stare at my shoes. 

"I was going to go as a witch but that's generic, right?"

"Uhh-" is that a trick question? "I mean, I guess," it's a trick question, I should've stayed home I think. But then I think of the candy, it can't be that bad with free snacks right? We're encouraged to make friends anyways, why can't I just pick Indigo? All I am is the weird spice girl but she seems to not hate me, kinda like Burdock; sometimes co-existing is fine.  I'm fine with that, "I was going to go as a witch, but what's scarier than tax fraud?" Shrugging with the bag in my hand, I smile as we walk and look around her. Nothing direct, just together. Big house, that's where demons live. I'll be- "relax."

"you do this all the time right?"

"Not at night?" Oh god, why did I say that. 

She's gonna think I sleep with a night light or something, "I'm not scared of the dark," wide eyes and stupid. "Just," you? Her, messing up. Maybe that's it, she smiles and it's hard to feel out of place when she takes up the entire street; must be a demon thing. She's a mouse yet I'm still smaller, I just want candy. Maybe I should've just went with the younger kids, looking between her teeth and my shoes and "I don't bite, by the way." She's baby sitting me, god I'm so boring. An old lady comes to the door and I feel stupid. Stupid but with free candy. 

I stare at the bubblegum at the bottom of my bag instead of her, swallowing sugar gives me an excuse not to talk -- that's good. I think? Burdock would know but she's not here, it's just me. And Indigo. Just the two of us and she bites, it's in like every word I know she does. I can chew gum and live or bite back, "I'm not scared of you." It doesn't even sound cool when I say it. It's not even true but part of me hoped I'd feel better saying it, it's just halloween. 

I forgot to thank that lady for the candy. 

At least I'm not dead yet? 

[✨ zozo.]

I blow a bubble, big and pink and it pops, like my attention span. An old lady smiles in my memories from 30 seconds ago and as we stomp down her porch steps I wonder if I'll ever grow to be that old, smiling at kids and handing out candy because they might die in a couple of months so the best thing I can do is distract them with sugar. I wonder if I'll want to be that old, frail and dying. I wonder if I want to die young and healthy and beautiful or fade out until I'm just nothing.

Man, I've been spending way too much time with Damion. What am I, emo or something?

Pop, attention turned back to Kai. "I'm not scared of the dark" she announces, okay, "Good" I reply. I want to be out here for a while and if she wants to leave, okay, whatever, I'm still staying. I want sour snakes, they're my favourite. 

"Just-"

Oh?

And it climbs out of her throat with all its efforts, forcing itself through her lips, "I'm not scared of you."

I look away from her and smile at the stars in the sky, crinkled-eyes and bokeh vision, don't know whether to be impressed or amused. There's the kids at school who don't look me in the eyes like I'm some sort of monster, the ones who run away when I walk down the hall. I don't know if it's because they respect me or hate me, if they think Damion's rubbed off on me, if they know I have an older brother who'll beat them up after school. Whatever it is, I pretend they're scared of me because of what I can do.

It's a nice change, to hear that, even if her hands are still sweaty and fidgeting with the handle on her candy bucket.

"Why would you be scared of me, Kai?"

And I look her dead-set in the eyes, searching for the truth.