cut me open + fill me with things i should have done [day 3]

[rook]

jano

to my heart inside that’s pumping blood

through my veins and through my lungs

I ache, from my shattered leg, up my scarred back, and my bleeding mind. My tired existence drifts forwards, numb and stagnant, devoid of anything except for blind determination to keep going. The monastery of orchid butterflies rip and cut at my skin like a razorstorm of hail, cold and sharp, biting at the very tissue of my existence, and I can't feel any of it. Pain has washed over me like a flash-flood, and I am dripping in it, red raw and screaming.

My sister stumbles just ahead from me, and I try my best to reach her. She can't fall down here, not with a calamity such as this relentlessly devouring everything in it's path. She scrambles to her feet, and is up and moving again before I catch up, so I press onward, following her path just a few metres behind, the sounds of swarming insects growing in intensity and shrillness by the second.

that breathe the air and spit it out

past my teeth and out my mouth

But as her figure shrinks smaller and smaller into the distance, I realise that I am slowing. With every step, she gets further away, and my chest feels heavier. My body struggles to find the energy to carry on, and I realise that this is it. I'm not going to make it.

I knew that when I said those two words in the District Square that it was always going to end like this, I just never imagined it being this terrifying. Standing, unmoving, with an unstoppable abhorrence baring down upon me, I begin to break down in a cold sweat, my breaths short and panicked. I can feel it's size and power, fatal and horrifying, emanating from behind me, and I count one, two, three, and hold my breath.

into these moments, full of life

which radiate become the light

I'm sorry Castor, I've failed. I was supposed to keep you alive, but all I've done is be a burden. Asriel dragged me through this nightmare, did his best to keep me going, despite my injuries. He died because of me. He died because I couldn't help him, after all he did to help me. That breaks my stupid little heart. That fucks me up, that I can't be decent or strong enough to save one person. One fucking person.

From day one I have been weak. The stabbing, our ground zero, base camp to all of our pain and suffering, I have failed. I watched my infant sister die, I saw our father decay into a shadow, my sister rot in a fucking cell. I couldn't keep any of them save. I couldn't even keep a roof over our heads. And now, when saving other people was actually in my hands, I fucked that up too. I wasn't good enough, and now I'm going to die, an absolute failure to everyone I've ever cared about.

that illuminates

when we die

And then, when all I am, and all I ever have been is about to be wholly consumed, this brief moment of relief in which I have accepted my fate is sharply taken away from me in a flash of silver and a gasp of searing, breathless pain.

I choke on my dread, spluttering thick clots of black-red. I look to the swarm, and it's not butterflies, but the hungry eyes of Ingran, gnawing deep into my core and soul.

And it's him that devours me.

I fall through space, my pain transparent, my existence fleeting, and I hit the ground, the world now vertical, rushing past me like a waterfall. The weight of the earth hits my back, and I feel the five thousand trillion metric tons of the planet crash through me. The air leaves my lungs on impact, and I don't breathe in again.

memories are all we need

as we fall into our final sleep

The fire that once burned inside me is dwindling, and I grow faint. I thought it made good men turn foul, but I was undeniably and naively trusting, all the way to my telegraphed downfall. The stinging wetness of my eyes is the only thing I can feel, other than the repeated stabbing into my chest and the unmovable mass of the boy who consumed my world.

I'll never see Castor again.

Please, stop thrashing at me. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. It's cold here on the ground.

So cold.

thank yous

python: ever supportive friend, ally, incredible writer, incredible person, thanks for being the other half of my favourite character, i pray you can go the whole mile with castor<3
elegant: my creative muse, character's antagonist, killer, absolute babe. you give me so many ideas, and this ending was so fitting. i'm sorry i couldn't keep you alive.
nyte: i'm sorry i couldn't be a better ally and get you further, you are my rock and thank you so much for everything in these games and beyond

kousei: my g, always there for moral support. you've developed so much as a writer, but even more importantly you've been a really good friend to me and you're just an all-round fantastic person. go kick ass with Atlas.
frankel: cheers for the memes, but you're still not on my level. thanks for making me laugh a hell of a lot this past month, and i'm looking forwards to threading with you soon~!
ghosty: hello ghosto, mi amigo, thanks for all the support and advice!

rave, arx, briar, mylee, dars, tristen, kari, onyx, zoe, and everyone else who has supported me and this character in these games, thank you <33

lalia and aya: thanks for all the hard work that goes into these games, it was a blast!

also, thanks to the music of tall ships, gorillaz, declan mckenna, kings of leon, and bon iver for lending a lot of inspiration to my writing in the 75th!