rainbow theory {ree/emberly; blitz}

[kousei ♚]

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Minutes of concentration amount to nothing, the largest mark I leave on the dummy is a cat scratch from a knife thrown from trembling hands.

"Fuck." I mutter under my breath, I guess throwing knives ain't for me.

Is there anything that's for me?

Can't run, can't climb and I sure as hell can't fight -- I am so fucked. It'll take more than a miracle to get me out of this mess alive. But what kind of stupid, drugged up god would waste a miracle on me of all people? An angel with no wings. Luci would laugh and tell me to give up, lay down and let a better man take the win but this isn't a playground game where the winner gets bragging rights or a game of blackjack where the loser goes home broke.

I'd miss the rise and fall of my chest -- I'm scared.

Fuck me, I need a smoke. I need a drink and most of all I need to go home. A place where I can smile, sleep in my own bed or see myself in the mirror and see something other than shades of red in my eyes.

Eyes still trained on failure, the only mark I've made since stepping foot in this training center, I let the final throwing knife clutter to the ground from my loose fingers. I'd rather not try again. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." I mutter, I can't do it, I can't do anything; I'm fucked and this whole place knows it. It's crawling with the careers; the kings and queens of the hill. I try not to catch any of their eyes when I turn around, nursing the fear wrapping around my organs and hurrying my pace towards anywhere but here.

I just need to get away.

Still, it's nice feeling the weapons fade behind the multitude of colors. I've never been a painter -- never had the talent for it -- but I suppose if I had to pick between hiding my fear behind brush strokes and watching the last of my dignity fade away with every missed target the option is obvious. I don't even look up from the untouched paint towards the movement of someone. "Think if I paint myself a nice shade of pink it'll stop Kaiser Fray from tearing my pretty face off?" I ask, looking up and smiling.

It's nice to laugh.