we are { drifting } on a deep sea // koi+ev

[Stare]

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[googlefont="Noto Sans:400"]A month ago, the things that had made Evelyn happy were easy to list. The spray of the ocean. Burning sand against calloused bare feet. Cheap alcohol warming her belly. The exhilaration of a good attack or a successful break-in.

Lately, though, the list was expanding in ways she hadn't anticipated. Sneaking away from the ship in the middle of the night to hunt down the house of a doctor's son would have once only sounded fun if she was planning to kidnap him (which she supposed, in a way, she was). But she'd been surprising herself more and more lately, evidenced by the weight in her left pocket that felt just a bit too much like a thank you and an apology, two things she never gave anyone, all wrapped in one.

Yet there she was, hauling herself through the window with only a hint of protest from her back. It was still bruised, green and brown like a bad watercolor painting, but these days it only ached in the early morning and when she applied pressure directly to it. Every jolt of pain was a not-so-subtle reminder of how much worse things could have been. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, she still woke up panicked and gasping, convinced she was drowning again.

Evelyn dismissed the thoughts firmly as her feet landed softly on the bedroom floor. It wasn't the time.

Koi's room was surprisingly sparse, considering the size of his house. She itched to explore it a bit while he was asleep, poking around his things and perhaps even venturing into the rest of the house and peeking at their photographs. Instead she approached his bed silently, watching the rise and fall of his chest for a moment (to make sure it was really him, of course) before jabbing at his shoulder unceremoniously.

"Rise and shine, Bird Boy. We're going out."

we are drifting on a deep sea
and i can't navigate the stars like my father
oh we're drifting out to sea, into deep water
if we're scared it puts us under

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[august vance d7b [Bella]]

KOIwallace

“Rise and shine, Bird Boy. We’re going out.”

The sensation of fingertips against Koi’s bare shoulder jolted him upright in time to hear the last few words over the thumping of his heart. No one ever disturbed him while he was sleeping, let alone climbed through his window. How long had she been standing there? Was she trying to scare the shit out of him? Stretching his long body to the very edges of his bed until his muscles started to shiver, he groaned.

"Let me get some pants on,” he slurred, groggy, swinging himself around to the side of his bed. The contents of his dresser were sparse, just a few pairs of jeans, shorts, and seven t-shirt. For now, he slipped on a pair of jeans and grabbed a zipper hoodie to pull over his bare torso. It was summer, but the nights near the ocean got cold.

He stumbled towards her and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, then ran his fingers through his hair. There was no way of knowing where they were headed, but with Evelyn, Koi had learned to ride the wind a little. In this sleep-drunken state, at two in the morning, as long as they weren’t performing another break in, he’d follow her. Koi cleared his throat quietly, careful not to wake his parents.

“Alright, lead the way.”

[Stare]

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[googlefont="Noto Sans:400"]As Koi rose out of bed to get dressed Evelyn suddenly found the wall near his window fascinating, eyes glued there until he'd at least pulled on his pants. Not that it was anything she hadn't seen before, but this was Koi. He was different.

"You look half dead, tadpole," she murmured as he approached her. "Better wake up fast or you won't even make it where we're going."

She slipped out of the window silently with him in tow, navigating her way back toward where she'd come from. The boat was set up on the shore, a few inches away from the lapping water to account for the tide. Evelyn had been waiting for a clear night and gotten lucky that it had corresponded with the new moon. Above them, the sky was practically blazing with stars.

As they approached the shore she began to play with her hair self consciously, careful to look anywhere but at Koi. "So," she finally said, after trying about ten times to convince herself to start, "my superstitious sister says that when someone saves your life, your soul belongs to them." She paused, heat rising to her cheeks despite the fact that she'd practiced this, dammit. "Um."

Evelyn hesitated a moment before yanking the watch out of her pocket and shoving it in his general direction, keeping her eye on the gold glint of it rather than trying to look him in the eye. She'd searched four houses before she finally found one that looked like it would fit a wrist as slender as his.

"Well, uh, my soul's not worth all that much, so I thought I'd give you this and we could just call it even."

It wasn't the thank you that he deserved, but it was the closest he'd ever get from her.

we are drifting on a deep sea
and i can't navigate the stars like my father
oh we're drifting out to sea, into deep water
if we're scared it puts us under

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[august vance d7b [Bella]]

KOIwallace

“My superstitious sister says that when someone saves you life, your soul belongs to them.”

Koi felt suddenly awake, and the heat rose to the apples of his cheeks, coloring them scarlet. Evelyn was close enough to him that she might see it, even though the only light was the starlight; if only her eyes weren’t suddenly weighed downwards. Speechless, he watched her pull a gold watch out of her pocket—smaller than the one he’d found weeks ago—and hold it out to him.

“Well, uh, my soul’s not worth all that much, so I thought I’d give you this and we could just call it even.”

Turning over in his hand, Koi watched the moon’s reflection contort itself into liquid shapes on the back of the watch face. Unlike the one he’d stolen, there was no name etched into the back, and it seemed to be just his size. He swallowed, his throat painfully dry.

”Wow,” he breathed. If she would have looked up to meet his eyes, she would have seen the gratitude and surprise that made them shine, gathering his eyebrows together, but she didn’t. It was okay. It was more than enough. After struggling with the clasp in one hand for a minute, he managed to snap it onto his wrist, where it was snug against his skin without pinching. “It’s perfect. Really. Thank you.” A smile appeared at his lips and stayed there.

They were standing in front of a little rowboat with two oars stowed away in the bottom. Something was sticking out of a compartment in the bow; leaning over, Koi saw that it was a burlap sack containing a few jars of clear liquid. He had a feeling what it was.

“Are we sailors tonight?” he asked. He held out his hand to help her into the boat, though she likely wouldn’t take it.

[Stare]

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[googlefont="Noto Sans:400"]Evelyn couldn't help but smile at how well the watch fit him, a hint of pride swelling in her chest. She and her sister weren't very big on gift-giving - holidays and birthdays were spent drinking below deck and exchanging stories, not things - but when he accepted the trinket she found that her steps felt a little bit lighter, her anxiety easing away into anticipation.

"I don't let tadpoles sail," she said firmly, waving his hand away and stepping into the boat herself. She'd seen the more land oriented citizens of Four on ships before, stumbling across the deck as soon as it hit rough enough waves. Evelyn had never sailed with one herself, but she certainly wasn't keen on trying it. "Leave the maneuvering to me. Tonight, we're stargazers."

She gestured loosely toward the glittering sky with one hand while dragging out one of her stowed jars with another, grinning up at him mischievously. The idea had started out innocently enough - she really had wanted to take him out to see the stars from the ocean - but when she remembered the jars tucked away beneath her bunk she couldn't help herself. The idea of getting him drunk was far too tempting.

Pressing the alcohol into his hands, she then took a hold of the oars, raising one eyebrow. "Last chance to try and escape, Bird Boy. If you change your mind later I'm afraid you'll have to make a swim for it."

we are drifting on a deep sea
and i can't navigate the stars like my father
oh we're drifting out to sea, into deep water
if we're scared it puts us under

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[august vance d7b [Bella]]

KOIwallace

“No I’m in, I’m in,” he assured Evelyn, climbing into the other side of the boat.

Koi looked down at the jar, turning it around and watching the alcohol swish back and forth. It was cold in his hands, but he knew it would burn like hell going down. The liquor the sailors made in their kitchens was a lot stronger than the stuff his parents would buy sometimes for dinner—his dad got regular calls from seamen who drank too much and wrecked their bodies with it. The gruesome thought of it made the jar in his hands a lot less enticing.

Koi had never gotten drunk. It was something to which he’d never lent much thought; something that he had never been embarrassed about until tonight, now that Evelyn was taking him for a ride in a rowboat carrying four full jars of something strong. Maybe she wouldn’t notice? He wasn’t sure how to act like an experienced drinker, or any kind of drinker for that matter, but he thought unscrewing the lid and taking a sip was a good start.

It took the attention of every muscle in his face not to grimace too obviously when it first touched his tongue. As Koi swallowed, it crept down his throat like lava, and he couldn’t help but cough, buckling forwards and shielding his mouth with his elbow. Face flushing red, he took a deep breath and looked apologetically at Evelyn.

“What is this stuff?’ Koi croaked. Honestly, he wasn’t sure he even wanted to know.

After he caught his breath, he tried again. The second sip was almost bearable. Maybe it would eventually even taste good. Probably not.

The volatile smell of the alcohol reminded Koi of the stuff his parents used to clean out bad cuts, so he focused instead on the cloudless sky above them, black and littered with diamond dust, blanketing the realm of the reachable in something that couldn’t be touched or tied down. He’d watched the stars often, but he didn’t know their names the way the fishermen did. Koi thought aloud.

“Do you know their names? The stars, I mean. I only know that one, the North Star.” He pointed to it, then frowned and pointed again. “Or is it that one?”

[Stare]

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[googlefont="Noto Sans:400"]She hid a smile at the expression on Koi's face after his first tentative sip, though she didn't say anything. If she teased him too much he'd never come again. Instead, she focused on maneuvering them out into the open water. Her back ached a bit from the stain on her shoulders and she grimaced a bit when she finally stopped, shifting in her seat and reaching for a jar of her own.

"This is why I don't sail with tadpoles," she said with a grin, taking a chug of liquor and relishing the burn on the way down. She'd been warned before that alcohol was addictive, and Evelyn could understand why. There was something about it that made her feel lighter, more alive. Brighter. She carefully switched seats so that she was sitting next to him, bringing her face close to his so she could see from his perspective. Squinting one eye shut, she pointed in the correct direction. "That's the North star, Bird Boy. Won't do you any good if you can't keep track of it, though."

She wasn't as good as Artemis at naming all the stars, but she managed to point out a few more - Sirius, Vega, Antares - before falling silent. She loved the ocean when it was like this. The waves lapped against the boat so gently she wondered how it was possible for them to ever take a life. The horizon line was faint, almost impossible to make out, so she couldn't quite tell where the heavens ended and the ocean started. Sometimes, when she was alone, she liked to pretend she was sailing on the galaxies themselves.

"How is it that you're a tadpole?" she asked suddenly, glancing at him. "You aren't scared of the ocean, and you're smart enough to want to learn about the stars. Why don't you sail?"

we are drifting on a deep sea
and i can't navigate the stars like my father
oh we're drifting out to sea, into deep water
if we're scared it puts us under

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[august vance d7b [Bella]]

KOIwallace

Koi was a little surprised when Evelyn came over to sit so close to him, but he was far from uncomfortable. A bit embarrassed, perhaps, as Evelyn pointed out that the North star was neither of the ones he’d pointed at—the first one was Vega, and the other one was “Serious.” And another one, Antares. Furrowing his eyebrows, Koi committed these to memory as well as he could.

Koi hummed a quiet laugh at Evelyn’s question, but his smile faded quickly. “I would sail,” he began thoughtfully. As his eyes left the stars to watch the infinite ocean, his mind wandered to the places he’d always imagined beyond the distant curve of the waves. Wind filled sails the same way it filled wings, and in a boat he could visit those places just as well as in a flying machine.

But there were so many things that anchored him to the shore.

"I can’t,” he concluded. “My folks want me to be a doctor too, so that I’ll end up filthy rich like them.” Koi hated the way the words felt poisoned as they came out of his mouth; he knew his parents would be hurt by them if they were here. But Evelyn appeared to be bound by none of his chains, and this question coming from her made him loathe the land even more. “But that’s not what I want. You saw that house we broke into—I don’t want to be another doctor buying up piles of shiny metal just to prove their life means something. I want my life to have meaning, without needing to prove it." He'd never had a way with words, so he hoped Evelyn knew what he meant.

"I’m guessing you don’t have that problem with your family?” Koi asked, after a moment of silence. “What are they like?” He knew Evelyn’s life had to be a hundred times more interesting than his, so he’d rather lose his thoughts in her story that dwell on his own.

[Stare]

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[googlefont="Noto Sans:400"]Evelyn watched his expression thoughtfully, trying to remember her own land locked days. She distantly recalled her Career training, a hilt in her hand that never quite fit the way she wanted it to. The Games had never been appealing to her. She wanted more than plastic glory and riches tied on strings. She wanted freedom. She wanted the feeling that she got when the wind was in her sails and she felt as if she could outshine even the stars. Too many days had been spent condemning that dream. Now she was living it.

And he would make something out of himself, too. He couldn't see it, but someday, he would. He had something in him - something wild, exciting, alive - that would take him beyond the solid gold chains of a "safe" lifestyle.

At his question her lips twisted into a wry smile and she turned her gaze back toward the sky, shifting so she was settled on the floor of the boat with her elbows resting on the seat and her head tilted upward. "I don't have parents," she admitted, though the sting of the words had been dulled by time and practice. Her mother's death was a blurry memory, her father's a harsh but unavoidable reality.

"But I do have sisters," she continued, surprised by her own bitter tone. "Five beautiful, perfect sisters who are absolutely excellent at everything they do." The pause that followed was a weighted one, and she glared at the shimmering sky as if it were to blame. Why had the universe decided to single her out as the ugly duckling, the rotten egg? Why couldn't she have just been perfect, like the rest of them? "I don't fit in very well."

Twisting to look up at him, she raised an eyebrow. "Guess we handle high expectations differently, huh? I break into houses and you jump off of cliffs." She chuckled. "I'm afraid that's going to need a bit of an explanation, Bird Boy. How the hell do you get that kind of hobby?"

we are drifting on a deep sea
and i can't navigate the stars like my father
oh we're drifting out to sea, into deep water
if we're scared it puts us under

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[august vance d7b [Bella]]

KOIwallace

Koi’s eyes fell to his feet when she told him she didn’t have parents, and he shifted uncomfortably on the boat’s hard bench. Here he’d been wishing that he had a taste of Evelyn’s freedom to do as she pleased, but he hadn’t considered that it was because she didn’t have anyone to withhold that freedom. For a moment, he felt guilty for thinking about his parents the way he had minutes ago. Flaws aside, Koi didn’t know what he would do without them.

Beautiful, perfect, excellent, Evelyn described her sisters. He wondered what they were like, and how she could ever think that she didn’t fit in with their beauty and excellence. In his whole life, he’d never met someone so interesting and different, so free. And looking down at her sitting in the floor of the boat, the wind tousling her hair, the starlight glowing against her pale cheeks, he could admit that she was beautiful. Perfection, though, was overrated—even stifling, Koi thought. Just another expectation he had no intention of meeting, and that he wouldn’t expect her to meet, either. He took another swig from the jar, careful not to let it linger on his tongue long enough to taste it.

When Evelyn craned her neck to ask him a question, he found he’d already been watching her. His eyes darted instinctively to the cliff where they’d jumped a few weeks ago, but it was invisible in the darkness, so they darted back. Though her eyes were usually striking, sometimes even harsh, Koi found it was easier to meet them in the dark.

“I’ve always been fascinated by flying,” he said. “I used to make wing machines. Or I tried to, anyways. Simple ones.” He rubbed the back of his neck, a bit embarrassed at his past failures. “But then I started jumping. It was as close as I could get to actually flying, so I just kept going back.” Now, since Evelyn had gone with him, all he could think about was the next time he would jump with her. Whether she would keep coming back too.

“It’s not real freedom,” Koi admitted. Sometimes he felt so weighted down that his wishes for freedom got tangled up with each other. Freedom from his parents’ expectations, freedom from material possessions, from gravity, from the Capitol’s clutches. The thought of it brought him down, so he swallowed some more liquid courage. “You’ve lived in that boat for a while, then? Have you ever thought about taking it as far as it could go? Way out there?” He nodded to the open ocean, where the sky was a blurred line against the sea.

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[googlefont="Noto Sans:400"]She tossed back another gulp from the jar and savored the way it made her feel warm from her fingertips to her toes. In reality, freedom was trickier than Koi wanted to believe, not that she would ever be the one to tell him that. The girl who had once worshiped harsh truths and cold realities suddenly couldn't meet his eyes, instead focusing on the stars as he spoke of flying and then eventually of distant shores. It wasn't bad enough that she was a black sheep among her sisters, but now she was going soft, too. She would never live it down if they found out.

But the universe was merciful, and his question gave her a cheap way out. She grinned and tilted her head back in his direction. "Trying to get rid of me, hm?" She winked. "You might be better off just tossing me off the boat now instead of putting crazy schemes into my head. I might actually listen to them."

It was a mask she put on, just like one of the many she wore around her sisters, but suddenly the weight of sweet half truths felt a bit too heavy. Her plastered on smile, usually so easy around anyone else, felt especially stiff and slightly bitter when she tried to flash it in his direction. She took another swig before sighing, shifting lower in the boat as if honesty was such a burden it was physically pressing her downward. "I don't call the shots on my boat. I ain't captain. But even if I was..." A pause. Dangerous thoughts. Dangerous waters. "Even if I was, I wouldn't do it. There's nothing out there, Bird Boy. Much as I'd like to be rid of this place, we're stuck with it."

It was a pretty idea, though, and sometimes she liked to toy with it herself. What would it be like to simple never come back? No Keepers, no Reaping, no limits to how far she could spread her wings. No food, either, though. And no fresh water.

She supposed it was the price they all payed.

Another large drink. Sitting straighter again, she watched the glimmer of the stars. The ancient people had thought the skies held great magic. At least, that was what she'd overheard Artemis tell Aurora. Looking at them, she almost felt like a dreamer. Dangerous thoughts. "If I could go, though, I'd take you with me." She met his gaze in the dark. "What would you want to find out there? Past the edge of the map?"

Dangerous waters.

we are drifting on a deep sea
and i can't navigate the stars like my father
oh we're drifting out to sea, into deep water
if we're scared it puts us under

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[august vance d7b [Bella]]

KOIwallace

It wasn’t that the liquid in Koi’s jar began to taste better after each drink; he’d simply stopped noticing that it tasted bad. The stuff was only a quarter of the way gone, but already he felt different—lighter somehow, as if invisible balloons were lifting up his chest. Lighter, and a little sleepy. Sliding from the bench, Koi landed next to Evelyn in the floor of the boat, resting his head on the hard seat behind them. He was close enough to dreaming that the answer to her question came easily.

“Some kind of island paradise. No buildings, no Reapings, no rules, no city lights blocking out the stars. No clothes,” he added with a glance at Evelyn, breathing a laugh through his nose. “And a big cliff to jump from, and lots of fruit trees so I’d never get hungry.” But no friends; no parents; no people at all. Koi wasn’t sure he could leave everyone he’d ever met behind. “It would get lonely, though,” he admitted.

Koi had never thought of himself as uptight or sheltered until recently, as he’d begun to do things with Evelyn that he never would have done before meeting her. Not breaking into that house necessarily, but things as simple as sneaking out late, taking a rowboat onto the waves, and drinking whatever it was they were drinking. Maybe he wouldn’t dare to sail out past these borders, but in a way, Koi still felt like he was living somewhere different than the District Four he’d grown up knowing.

“I feel like I should thank you,” he muttered, his words streaming directly from mind to tongue without restraint. “I don’t know why someone like you would want to wake someone like me up in the middle of the night to do something like this.” For a moment he leaned his head back and took in the stars, drawing his hoodie closer to his skin in the cold wind. “There’s nothing really special about me, but you make me feel like there is.” It wasn’t really a coherent thought, but he felt good about saying it.

[Stare]

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[googlefont="Noto Sans:400"]Koi painted her like a hero, some grand adventurer whose attention was worth fighting for, but the truth was that Evelyn was just a pirate. She liked to act grand with crooked smiles and a glint in her eye, but once her pride was stripped away she was just a girl who was a bit too daring for her own good. That was all she would ever be, even if her sisters spread their wings and became more. Perhaps the only thing that scared her more than being outshone by her sisters was being left behind by them.

And maybe by him, someday. A month ago she might have poked at him with a grin and agreed that he was lucky that she bothered to spend time with him. Or maybe, if she'd been feeling especially kind, she would have at least rolled her eyes and told him that she wouldn't spend time with him if he wasn't at least a little interesting. Now, though, neither of those seemed sufficient. Maybe it was the drink or his proximity or the fact that he'd saved her life and she still hadn't thanked him, but the thought of lying to him made a bitter taste stick in the back of her mouth.

Evelyn pushed herself up so she could see his face more clearly, frowning. "You don't need me to make you special." Her tone was firm enough that she hoped he'd catch it, even though she could tell by his expression that the alcohol was beginning to do its job. She wasn't sure why it was suddenly so important for him to understand, but it was. "What do I do, hm? Make you break into houses? Drag you out for late night drinks? That's not special."

It was a sharp, harsh honesty that was directed more toward herself than toward him. In the end, that was what bothered her most about how exceptional her sisters were. When they did grand things they meant them, and no one in Panem could deny that excellence. What did she do? The question scared her enough to make her take another swig in an attempt to drown it out of her system.

"You jump off cliffs. You try to fly. That's special." She'd never admit it, but she'd grown fond of the tadpole, and her words reflected that more than she'd meant for them to. Evelyn pressed on anyway. "You're going to do great things, Koi, and you don't need me or anyone else to help you get there. You'll do it all on your own. Okay?"

we are drifting on a deep sea
and i can't navigate the stars like my father
oh we're drifting out to sea, into deep water
if we're scared it puts us under

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[august vance d7b [Bella]]

KOIwallace

Koi was frowning for the first time in a while, the frown of a disappointed kid, or maybe a kid with a bad stomach ache. There was an ache, not bad but dull, and not in his stomach but in his temples, as the alcohol had begun to exploit his lack of sleep and hydration. The frown, however, was not about the ache, but about how wrong Evelyn was in that moment about everything she had just said.

“I’m not going to do great things,” he corrected. “I’m going to be here my whole life—” he gestured sloppily with his arms to the open sea, nearly smacking Evelyn in the face— “and there’s nothing to do here that hasn’t already been done.” The thing was, Koi thought, that being in the District for one’s whole life turned out to be the best option; the only ways out were death; and the Games, a one-in-twenty-four chance at death. On most days this morbidity was far from his mind, but the liquor sent him down less traveled avenues of thought. He closed his eyes and could still see stars under his eyelids, except these ones swam around and twinkled, never staying in the same place. The real ones were better, the ones that were permanent, anchored to the sky.

“But there are people who make things great,” Koi clarified, rolling his head towards her on the bench. He wasn’t like this, he wasn’t sentimental, but the night felt different—unlikely and otherworldly, like he had never woken up in the first place. “I think you’re one of them. Every day here looked just like the day before it, and the day before that, until I met you.” Automatically, Koi found himself drinking again, like a new habit, and the jar scratched against the bottom of the boat as he slid it out of arm’s length. He was drunk enough for tonight; enough for the whole week, even. “So I don’t want to do it all on my own. Okay?”

[Stare]

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[googlefont="Noto Sans:400"]When he spoke of greatness her eyes darted away from his, toward the glittering waters beneath the stars. Despite her constant insistence that she didn't believe in greatness, not really, her heart swelled a bit. She took another swig, but the feeling remained, warm and not entirely unwelcome.

Evelyn Sparrow was a pirate, a trouble maker, a rotten soul disguised with a crooked smile. But when she turned back to look at Koi, those points died on her tongue. He just looked so sure, and she suddenly didn't have the heart to continue the argument. She wasn't sure if it was because she didn't want to hurt him with the truth or because a part of her secretly wanted to believe the lie as fully as he did. "You're drunk," she muttered fondly instead, smiling. "Okay. Whatever you say."

With his face turned toward hers, Evelyn became suddenly very aware of their proximity and the way the starlight lit up his intent expression. Something inside of her stirred, wavering uncertainly. They were so close. She could almost -

Cutting off the thought before she could continue it, Evelyn drew away, instead, wrinkling her nose and grinning at him. "Come any closer and that morning breath of yours will knock me out. Then we'd never get back to shore." Her tone was light, but her heart was hammering as she shifted herself upward slightly and peered in the general direction of the shore, then back up at the stars. What had just happened couldn't have happened because he was too good and she was a bad influence and Ophelia would kill her if she ever found out. She avoided looking at him for a few minutes, suddenly fascinated by the stars they'd been looking at all night. Once she was composed enough she turned back toward him. "We should probably start to - "

Evelyn cut herself off when she noticed the steady rise and fall of his chest, and her plastered on smile became a real one. The tadpole had fallen asleep. Typical. She shook her head and chuckled, drawing her knees to her chest and toward the horizon, which was beginning to glow with the light of the sun. "We're a mess, aren't we?"

Somehow, listening to the sound of his breathing and watching the sunrise, she didn't mind all that much.

we are drifting on a deep sea
and i can't navigate the stars like my father
oh we're drifting out to sea, into deep water
if we're scared it puts us under

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