Benito Aita | District One {FIN}
Aug 7, 2017 11:10:00 GMT -5
Post by kap on Aug 7, 2017 11:10:00 GMT -5
Benito Aita
Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.
When you're the cause of a death, if fills you with the feeling of guilt. When you could of prevented a death, it's just the same. Unfortunately for me, I'm in both of those situations. Angelo is dead directly because of me, and I could have saved Lorenza, preventing her demise. I didn't, though, and I'll be living the rest of my life with a terrible feeling, knowing I could have changed things.
"Ben," my mother would say, "Lorenza's death isn't your fault. There's nothing you could have done about it." She tells me this, as if she were right. She knows I could have volunteered to fight alongside her and protected her, but I didn't. My mother has tried to protect me my whole life. I've begun to wonder if she was trying to tell me that Lorenza's death wasn't my fault to make me forget that a different death- the death of Angelo- was my fault.
A few years ago, when Angelo and I were playing a game in the house, running around and chasing one another, it quickly turned into an argument. I've always been one with anger issues, which I hate to admit. I don't like thinking I'm wrong, and Angelo had been telling me that I was cheating at our game. Out of frustration, I tackled him to the ground, hitting him. We tumbled down the stairs as a result, landing at the bottom. His head had hit the wooden floor quite hard, and when I heard his yelp of pain, I quickly got off of him.
I tried to shake him awake, but I couldn't. My stupidity that came with my rage had made it so he would never wake up again. He wasn't just unconscious. I'd killed my own brother. Certainly not having meant to, I let out a scream of terror when I realized that he was gone. Lorenza came running from her room, and when she discovered what had happened, we were both in tears that didn't seem like they would ever stop. Our parents weren't home when the tragedy occurred, and as a result, they had to come home to it all.
When it all happened, I'd rushed over to get our neighbor to help, but there was nothing that could be done. Lorenza was sobbing and screaming, full of hopelessness. After the terrible tragedy, I was moved to live in another home, away from other children. I was watched very carefully for a couple years before I was ever allowed back with my family. When I returned to my family, it was only months before Lorenza was selected for the 76th Hunger Games.
Now, I am the only living child of the Aita family. My parents protect me with every fiber of their existence. I appreciate it, but don't feel that I deserve it. Personally, I'm full of self-hate and guilt. If it weren't for my anger, Angelo would be alive. If it weren't for my cowardliness, Lorenza would be alive.
I don't have very many friends, as my anger issues tend to repel people. There are very few people that I have ever really bonded with outside of my family, and with my family's numbers dwindling, the people I care about are decreasing in number, too. My appearance is very similar to that of the rest of my family, although there are some self-inflicted wounds on my body due to my depression that has surfaced since Angelo's death. I hope that I never have to deal with another loss of a loved one again. Unfortunately, I don't think it would be within my control like the others could have been.
I'm living my life as a depressed and angry individual. I don't think this will ever change. It's terrible to think that I may be the next one my parents lose, whether it be because of the Games, or by my own accord. I'm not sure how I will die. Although, it could be in any way. It could be at any time.
