death wish :: tristen

[Deleted]

R O B E R T

"Sullivan, can we talk?" 

"Yeah?"

Uncharacteristically, Mr. Dean and I haven't talked much, he doesn't come around that much -- just a bunch of young adults running his day care, no worries. Last time I saw him, Mad and I were smoking on the roof and Joseph ran up with red flags, nearly pissed myself. "Is this about Lucien? Look, he stole that knife, aren't we supposed to be teaching life lessons anyways?"

"Stop threatening the kids, first of all,"

"Gotcha," easy enough. Not like anybody else will teach them self defense around here. All I'm saying is between Joseph and I, I'd kill him in a knife fight, nobody can teach knives like I can -- that's a fact. Leaning against the stair railing as he steps into my room, resisting asking what he's looking for, sure is in my business though. "The new caretaker is coming in in ten, Joseph can't open today so I'm trusting you-" pointing his finger to my chest like a pistol, "to keep things civil around here." Yeah yeah, "will do," a fake smile, I'll eat him alive - 'new caretaker' fuck that. See, that's the thing about big corporations, they're always trying to cut out those who are too smart to fixate their dream standard. Joseph and Brian are practically hypnotized by work ethics, but not me; just thought I'd have more time.

"You promise? I'm almost out of warnings here, Robert."

Ride or die, "completely, no worries-" we need to unionize faster dammit, capitalism's rotting this business inside out.

Ten minutes, I don't dare inhale loudly until Mr. Dean closes the door behind him, ziplock bag in my back pocket like I'm packing heat -- time to rig this place. Ten minutes, no new kid's gonna replace me, Damien told me ahead of time record says he's an ex-convict. Got caught with blood on his hands and everything, I'm not gullible to believe it but without Joseph and the power of Ripred on my side, tough shit that he's opening against the one dad who knows self defense. Pocket knives lining the inside of my jacket, I already know what's up. 

Keep it civil! Oh, most definitely. No children here for more than an hour, just me and a murderer -- how does he do it? I've brought knives to more than a couple gun fights, I'll be fine, moving furniture around in the lobby room. Every chair pushed into the walls except for two: one for me, the second for me too. Hell be damned I share a seat with an axe murderer, pussy can't even get close range. 

I take a sip of coke, leg's crossed, one hand tucked into my jacket.

I'll eat him alive. Promise. 

table by  fox

[eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris]

A M A N D A

Amanda, you need to breathe.
Breathe, breathe, breathe —
INHALE and freakin' EXHALE.

Holy fuck, is this asphyxiation? Is there such a thing as drowning on land? I'm dying. This is death. I'm crying without any tears and I'm shaking without actually moving an inch. I'm a walking contradiction, aren't I? I'm marching straight to my undoing. My first day of school hadn't been like this at all, so why's my starting shift at this job any different? Well, I mean, it actually kind of was just like this — but this thought process works a lot better if I pretend like it had went smoothly and all that jazz. In reality, it took two teachers to peel me off of my father's leg. Wasn't a good moment for me, but damn if I don't wish I had someone I could hold onto right now.

At least Mr. Dean had been super nice when we talked yesterday, and it's true that he promised me he'd have his nicest worker there to greet me. Why am I scared? Oh, yeah. Anxiety. Hate her, never liked her, don't wanna be her friend. I wonder if she's any better beneath all those layers, though? Maybe she's just misunderstood? Damn my bleeding heart. Okay, okay, let's do this. Keep walking. Just keep your breath steady, Amanda, and have your smile on at all times. Can't risk being caught gasping. I think of a sweeter memory to calm myself; of two dads and their Manda Panda's first art project award, how they had smiled and laughed and — and then there it is. The daycare. Right up ahead and wholesome as ever. What's the use in being afraid? This is a family-owned building!

I throw my hair over my shoulder and adjust my satchel full of supplies, and with a newfound courage that's actually just adrenaline overriding my common sense, I make my way to the door and let myself inside. I have my room number scrawled on the palm of my hand, and while that might be tacky, you should see how gracefully I spot the door and skip over with an excited squeal. The halls are empty and no kids have arrived, but at least I'll have time to get settled alone. Where's that nice guy at? Maybe he's in his own room? Yeah! He'll visit when he can. Just turn the handle and walk inside and— "Oh! Oh, wow. Hello! Who are you?" I might have died. I'm blinking, looking around. The room is cleared out and it's just two chairs and a young man and, holy shit, I'm actually dead. This is the meeting room before I'm permitted to enter heaven.

I drop my satchel and run forward, sitting down in the chair across from Mr. Scruffy and clasp my hands together. "Please, Ripred, don't damn me. I swear I've been a really great person. Okay, yeah, once I put gum in Emma R.'s hair on purpose, but I promise she had it coming. Please, forgive me! I repent! I didn't mean to die. I was just really panicked because it's my first day of work, and I could hardly breathe, and—" now I'm laughing. Hard. "Wait, no. I'm not dead! You're the nice dude! Awe. This is so kind of you! You cleaned my room for me? Joseph, you are a saint. Truly." I'm smiling, wide and without fear. "You look nothing like Mr. Dean described, but I'm here for it. I love you already."

table: fox

[Deleted]

R O B E R T

Ten minutes, I've done more chaos in less. 

Stress in my palms, climbing up the side of the stairs -- it's time efficient. There was the one time I stained Cullen's clothes all black. Just wanted to see what he'd look like dressed as Damien, y'know? Took less than three minutes, white shirt and pastel fuckboy shorts thrown in the washer with an entire outfit, I sat naked in the laundry room smoking a cigarette, no worries. I'm great. Hands on my hips staring at the room, a clearing in a circle, sweet. It takes me five minutes to move desks and chairs, takes me three minutes to jump down the banister and grab the faulty bulb from the kitchen. My ass nearly jumps out of my jeans when I hear keys in the door- pro criminal tip, lock the door behind you. 

Know your exit routes. 

It's time management, I taught a class on it once. Lucien clocked the time patterns between Brian leaving his classroom, drinking a beer and when he had to piss. Broke the toilet a minute before hand, both of them, good kid. Only problem is Brian can go outside like a goddamn beast, evil. I breathe heavy - goddamn cardio - locking the arts door behind me and quickly switching out the flickering middle light bulb right over my head. This'll be good, holographic knife triggered, right hand on the handle waiting. "Oh!" 

that's right.

"Oh, wow. Hello! Who are you?" I keep my mouth closed. 

I've watched enough bad horrors to know what I'm doing. Light flickering, head held down to hide eyebags, contact. Human psychology, the eyes are the window to the soul. Can't see em? It's like staring at a building with no windows: a safety hazard. "Please, Ripred, don't damn me."

"What."

"I swear I've been a really great person. Okay, yeah, once I put gum in Emma R's hair on purpose, but I promise she had it coming. Please, forgive me! I repent! I didn't mean to die. I was just really panicked because it's my first day of work and I could hardly breathe, and-" what the hell, she starts laughing and I can't hold composure, she sounds like fuckin' Val at this point. "Wait, no. I'm not dead!" Gotcha? 

I'm confused myself, but I click back the switchblade, is this the new guy? Damien would like his hair. "You're the nice dude!" "Uhhh," 

"Yeah." 

"Awe. This is so kind of you! You cleaned my room for me? Joseph, you are a saint. Truly." 

"I mean," holy shit, Joseph? HA you've gotta be fucking kidding me, "it's what Ripred would want, right?" Praise, really! "Love thy neighbor as you love thy ass, y'know," grinning, ear to ear, canines showing. It's from genisis or something, she'll get the gist. "You look nothing like Mr. Dean described, but I'm here for it." Oh yeah, I'm not - what's the word? 

Pale. 
Pasty. 
Lizardy? 

Synonyms, who knows. "I love you already." Ugh, face dropping, physically no energy to hold the fake smile in place -- I'm already in a sappy rerun. Great. "I..." Joseph would say it, "it's a pleasure," oh shit what's their name- who knows. I feel slightly less threatened by this presence, I don't like them in my room. "I am very much looking forward to this acquaintanceship," that sounds like something annoying Joseph would say. Standing up, straight back, posh, "would you care to take me to your room? I believe this one is Robert's." 

What if I just did the entire shift pretending to be Joseph, could I get away with it? I did it as Hugs once, back when Mat was the new kid, but Hugo is easy.

"Also don't worry about Mr. Dean, he's wrong about a lot of people!" Being Joseph is boring. 

I'd rather be dead. 

Jokes, I'd rather be masturbating. 

table by  fox

 

[eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris]

A M A N D A

Joseph closes a switchblade I only just notice and the light-bulb above our heads flickers with suspense — but this is lovely. Truly! He's so charming. He looks like he's near the point of imploding and like he's just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but he's valid. He's trying his best. We're all shy when meeting someone new; and that's okay! I'm proud of him. I don't remember Ripred being an ass-man, but it's fine. I'm not a believer, but more power to Joseph! He's doing so well.

"The pleasure is all mine!" I start, thrusting a hand out between us. I don't even wait for him to take it, I just grab his and shake it because we're all such good friends here. It's a family-owned building, I remind myself. We all have each other's backs! And this guy has teeth like a shark's, but at least they're clean and polished. "Can I be real with you?" Fake isn't in my dictionary. Wait, vocabulary. Same difference? It's fine. "Mr. Dean made you sound so nice and helpful, but if I'm honest, I was thinking you'd have such a stick up your ass. But you actually seem so hip! Good on you."

I nod as he speaks, standing up with him and never losing my grin. Still, my brow furrows in confusion when he tries to escort me to another room. I didn't write these numbers on my hand for nothing. I had this shit memorised as soon as Mr. Dean gave me the digits. Okay, not really, but it's on my freaking skin! I didn't need to remember it. Black markers don't tell lies. Watch out for that white-out stuff, though. "Oh? No, you're mistaken. This is my room now! Robert's out of a job, ha." It's awkward to lose a friend, but from the sound of it, I can't imagine Joseph much cares. "Good thing all of you hate him!"

And then suddenly my hand is at my face, fingers wiping away tears. "But I feel so bad for him. It can't be easy feeling so ostracized." I fucking KNEW that word would come in handy someday. Emma R. always acted like paying attention in English was pointless, but look at me now! I'd call her a bitch, but I'm with a holy man. "He sounds like the stereotypical black sheep. An outcast just trying to find his place in the world. Mr. Dean showed me some of his art. He's so talented! But clearly tormented deep down in his soul. He'll have to help himself. And even then it'll be a rigorous journey of self-discovery!" I hug Joseph like I haven't just figured it all out. Mr. Dean told me what to watch out for.

"I love you, Robert.
But if you murder me,
I will haunt you. Relentlessly.
The Dover Ghost has nothing on me."

table: fox

[Deleted]

R O B E R T

"Can I be real with you?" her hand grasping mine - lefties, god bless 'em. I mean, I'm packin a whole fuckin switchblade in the other hand but what're the odds, right? "Yea Samantha, we're all friends here,"
right. 

Not to anti-pat my own back here, but who the fuck is Joseph anyways -- like, on an astral sense. Zodiac bullshit aside, I mean what does he do, does he even have fun? With Hugs all I have to do is talk about uhh, fuck if I know books? He likes that. Joseph enjoys Ripred and bottoming, that's all I know. "Mr. Dean made you sound so nice and helpful, but if I'm honest, I was thinking you'd have such a stick up your ass." HA, "hey-"

"But you actually seem so hip! Good on you."

"well."

Aight, so I'm stumbling a little. Perky smile, I can't do it like him - mostly because I don't want to. Too much effort, I'm translating whole personalities here anyways. "I try my hardest," lying through my teeth and eyebags, I'm too tired to keep this up but hell if I'm not gonna try. "Always trying to- keep up, you know?" The light flickering is gonna give me a migraine, bad idea. I'll know for next time. Standing in the clearing of chairs and desks and, "so, your classroom?"

"Oh? No, you're mistaken."

"Oh?"

"This is my room now!" Oh, "Robert's out of a job, ha."

"Oh."

"Good thing all of you hate him!"  

Shit, shit what would Joseph say here. Hmm, something patronizing right? "Serves him right, finally" interesting. Must be lonely to be that Robert guy. Hands on my hips, staring them in the eyes, "Ripred acts in mysterious ways and all that." 

"But I feel so bad for him. It can't be easy feeling so ostracized."

"Nice word." Supportive, pack mentality and all that. Joseph is on their side, so I guess I'm rolling with that. "He sounds like the stereotypical black sheep. An outcast just trying to find his place in the world. Mr. Dean showed me some of his art." Oh he fucking didn't, "he's so talented!" Interesting. "He's a creep-"

"But clearly tormented deep down in his soul. He'll have to help himself. And even then it'll be a rigorous journey of self-discovery!"

Get me out of here.

They sound more like Joseph than I do and it's tiring me out. I can barely handle one of him at a time - I take it back, I don't want to be Joseph all day. Clearly tormented my ass, you draw one charcoal mural of a goddamn murder scene and suddenly you're the asshole. Before I have time to join in on kumbaya, they have their head cradled under my chin and arms wrapped around me. I have a problem with stabbing people when I'm surprised, lucky days for recovery huh? "I love you, Robert, but if you murder me,"

Well. 

"I will haunt you. Relentlessly. The Dover Ghost has nothing on me."

"Thanks, 
get off of me."

To be fair, it doesn't take a fuckin detective to realize I'm not Bearer-o-Ripred Joseph Czerny. Smug ass face, switchblade clutched in a fist, staring at the door flatfaced with my replacement wrapped around me. "Let me be real a second, I'm not going anywhere." I love you, Robert, great- Joseph and them will get along great. "I'll kick a ghost's ass, also." I've done everything save murder somebody in this classroom, I'm not giving it up anytime soon. The rigorous self discovery of getting this person out of my room, first of all. Untangling myself from them, knife hilts pressed into my rib cage,

"Do I look lonely to you?" Is that what this is. 

table: fox

[eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris]

A M A N D A

"Thanks,
get off of me."

And I let go — because that's just common courtesy. This is fight or flight, survival of the fittest, but honestly? I'm actually pretty chill right now. Sure, he's got a switchblade in his hands and his teeth remind me of a shark's, but I hear more people in Ten are killed by cows each year than those fuckers. ( Sorry! It's not my fault! Robert inspires profanity! ) Yeah, I get it, that district isn't anywhere near the ocean and neither is Two, but let me have this. I want to make a point.

Which is? I don't know. This is all really intense and I'm just running with it. I hold a hand to my chest, short of breath, but really I'm just inhaling softly. Robert is super passionate and heated and I'm kind of here for it. Stick it to the man! Put the knife away, though. Someone could get hurt and I don't know anything about first aid. My dads did; they never let my knees stay skinned for long. I think of purple bandages and warm laughter and I have to shake my head to come back to reality.

"Then stay," I say, and the offer is sincere and kind and welcoming. Listen, I want this job. It's my first responsibility and I refuse to give it up, and I've been warned about this guy and his antics, but sometimes you gotta make compromises. Sure, I was told that Robert was out of a job, and it's not my place to hire him again, but it doesn't seem like anyone can control where he'll end up. "The room's big enough for the both of us. And there's nothing wrong with having two art teachers, right?"

I stop myself from hugging him again, but I really wanna show this guy some love. ( "Do I look lonely to you?" ) Oh, dear. Maybe I should break it to him? Or should I just let him stay oblivious? I smile, cheeks stretched and eyes unblinking. I'd be such a good actress. "Not at all, Rob!" I pause, features relaxing and I look down to my shoes. I count the strings and, wow, I'm feeling poetic. "It'd be okay if you were, though. We all get lonely. Me included."

But this isn't poetry;
this is some hardcore realism.

table: fox