a million reasons || koi + ev

[august vance d7b [Bella]]

KOI WALLACE

Koi had been up all night, on and off--how were the waves of sleep supposed to pull him under when thoughts of rejection had been swimming endlessly through his head? It’d been like this for several days, and nothing had helped, not even the sleeping pills he’d pilfered from his father’s cabinet full of medicines. The first night he’d taken them they’d made him feel numb and hollow, thoughtless, so he stopped. Now all he could do was lay on his side and watch his fingertips lay against the ruffled sheets, silently counting as high as he could in his mind. It was something that had always worked before, but now he always lost track; 128 was as high as he’d gotten on any round before Evelyn found her way back into his head. When he closed his eyes he could picture her perfectly, her green eyes burning spots in his eyelids.

One night left after this one until judgement day, when Koi would meet her older sister and their fate would be decided--would he be able to see her out in the open, or would they be confined to secrecy, sneaking out at night like they had before? This was the worst kind of suspense, something more sinister than he was used to. This wasn’t standing on the edge of a cliff, held back by invisible cords with the freedom to break the tension when you were ready. This was a heaviness like lead, bound by the mattress and the clock, spiraling into what-ifs. This was waiting.

What if she was right? What if her sisters looked at his nice clothes and his combed hair, his legs unsteady on the ship’s floor, and they laughed at him? What if there was nothing he could to make them believe he was different than other land-dwellers, tadpoles? What if he wasn’t different at all? What if everything he had felt had been for nothing?

No, he’d felt too much to have felt in vain. Nervousness, excitement, running from a house they’d broken into with a stolen watch in his pocket. Exhilaration when they’d jumped from the cliff, and terror when Evelyn smacked against the surf--relief, gratitude, when she was okay. Liberation, in the rowboat under the stars. And when they’d slouched into the hull there against the plastic seats with their faces close enough to touch, lit by the moon, Koi drunk out of his mind, he’d felt a pull in his chest he’d never experienced before. He felt it now, just thinking about it. Evelyn had denied all ties to beauty and grandeur, but Koi was onto her, more than she knew.

Trying to fall asleep was exhausting. Koi rolled drowsily into a sitting position on the side of his bed, sliding his hands down the sides of his nose and grimacing at the way it felt slippery, like he needed to wash it badly. His hygiene the last few days had been pathetic. Squeezing his eyes shut and bracing for the light, he switched on his lamp and blinked himself fully awake. Across from his bed in the closet door mirror, his reflection stared back, gaunt and bag-eyed, as he pulled on some jeans. He left his room to splash some water on his face and run his head under the hot water until he felt recognizable, or at least human. Some semblance of thoughts amounted to the idea that he would go for a walk and breathe in some ocean air. Before he left, he clasped his gold watch on his wrist, the one Evelyn had given him as a thank-you, just to make sure he’d be back before his parents noticed.

As soon as the wind from the ocean chilled his wet hair, Koi felt fully awake, and a mental clarity rushed through him like a shiver. This entire thing was so messed up., he reasoned. It was so easy to give up and to feel as though he had no control over this situation, but if he thought about it, the odds were in his favor. Thoughts of the argument over breakfast last week came to mind; what had Evelyn said, exactly? She wanted to see him too, in the open if she could, and that was half the battle. He would have to fight the rest of it by himself, and he would do it fully prepared. All he needed to do was learn a little more about Ophelia, what she would expect from him, and he could win her over too.

Automatically, as if pulled by a magnet, he found himself drifting closer to Evelyn’s boat with each step that he took. His better sense whispered its warnings, that this place was forbidden, the he could compromise their secrecy and anger Ophelia. But surely they’d all be asleep at two in the morning. Besides, what had Evelyn cared about what was forbidden? The word had lost its power; they’d broken it together. Right now Koi was fighting his own kind of internal war, and he’d lost track of the laws that had guided his former self. Dress nicely, use your manners, don’t sneak out at night, don’t chase a wild thing, stay in the lines. The ship drew closer, towering over him like a Goliath, imposing. The bridge was up, so he’d have to find another way in. A deep breath, one glance back towards home.

He wrapped his hands around a rope and began to climb.

The harsh fibers dug into his hands as he struggled to pull himself up, using his feet for leverage against the side of the ship. Koi could see why Evelyn’s palms were so much thicker than his. The rope burned his hands red and raw, but he pushed through--he would prove, even without them looking, that he could be their equal. When he reached the deck, pulling himself over the side railing and falling with a thud, the blood was pounding at his ears from more than just exertion. Koi quieted his breaths for a moment. The sea whispered to him, more at peace than he could hope to be tonight.

There was a hatch that led down into the ship, and he braved it, tiptoeing down the creaky wooden ladder. The Black Pearl, she’d called it, a fitting name; it was black inside, darker than his house had ever been at night, and he had to run his hand along the wall to maneuver down the hallway. Which room was hers? Cold metal shocked his searching hand, and he turned the first doorknob. Moonlight came softly into this room through a porthole, igniting a mess of red hair in the dark. Koi’s breath caught in his throat. Was it her, or one of her sisters? He couldn’t remember the third one’s name. Closing the door behind him quietly, he crept towards the cot and kneeled down beside it.

It was her, unmistakably. Holding his breath, he raised a hand to brush her hair away from her parted mouth, and her pale cheek was softer than he’d thought it would be. His hand lingered there, beside her face.They hadn’t seen each other for a few days; he’d been wary of things going badly. The sight of her took him by surprise again as always, fierce and stunning, even when she was vulnerable like this. But when she was sleeping she looked something else, too. Sweet, even--though he might have been imagining it.

“Evelyn,” he whispered, but it was too quiet; it had been hours since he’d spoken, and He cleared his throat as imperceptibly as he could. “Ev, I couldn’t sleep. I haven’t for days. I need to talk to you about your sister, what’s going to be expected of me. Can you help me?” He was telling and pleading at the same time; this was the way he felt about her.

[Stare]

[googlefont="Poppins:400"]

Her dreams always ended in drowning.

It didn't matter how they started. She could be as far inland as she'd ever gone, but somehow she always ended back at the sea, plunged beneath a turbulent surface and sinking into the inky darkness of the unforgiving water. Sometimes she heard her sisters' screams or her father's shouting as her limbs became leaden and the fractured light of the sky grew dimmer and dimmer. Sometimes there was only silence. She always woke up just when she thought it was the end, gasping and in a cold sweat, fingers desperately scrambling to find purchase on something, anything.

Except for lately. Lately, the ending had changed. She still sank, cold and terrified. But now, instead of waking up at the last moment, someone grasped under her arms and hauled her back toward the surface. Even in her panicked dreams she didn't have to turn to see who it was. There was only one person who had saved her from such a fate before, only one person who would even consider doing it again after she'd been so ungrateful. She always woke up before they broke the surface, but it was slowly and peacefully rather than as a jolt into reality.

This time, as the dream began to fade, she felt something warm against her face. Subconsciously Evelyn leaned into it, seeking more of the comforting heat. Her eyes blinked open slowly, meeting a familiar gaze in the darkness. It was a hallucination, a piece of her dream lingering as she tried to blink away the fog of sleep, but when his voice reached her ears she found herself becoming less and less sure. "Koi?" she mumbled groggily. Without thinking one hand reached out and pushed some of the wet hair off his forehead.

The physical contact thrust her abruptly into reality. Evelyn bolted into a seated position, tugging her t-shirt into some semblance of decency as she gaped at him. How the hell had he managed to get on the ship? And more importantly, why was he aboard the ship? A thousand explanations flew through her head, each more absurd than the one before it, before the cloudy memory of his words finally reached her. I couldn't sleep. I haven't for days. Even in the darkness, even through her fresh wave of panic, she could see the circles beneath his eyes. I need to talk to you about your sister, what’s going to be expected of me. Can you help me?

"Sneaking aboard the ship in the middle of the night is not a good start," she hissed, swinging her bare legs over the side of the bed and glaring at him. Exhaustion and fear were mingling to put her in a distinctly unsympathetic mood. The beginnings of a headache weren't helping, either. She'd been turning to the bottle more and more as the fateful day approached, trying to drown out her anxiety. "Do you have any idea what Ophelia would think if she found you in here? She'd keelhaul you before I could even get in a word in your defense."

A moment later she was already regretting her harsh tone. After all, she didn't have much right to get angry at Koi for sneaking into her room in the middle of the night when she'd done the exact same thing to him. Even worse, she'd dragged him out onto a boat and gotten him more drunk than he'd probably ever been in his life. Memories of that night came rushing to her with surprising clarity. She could almost feel the exact moment when she'd almost slipped, evaluating the space between them and wondering what if?

"'m sorry," she mumbled, dragging a hand over her face tiredly. Her fingers itched to grasp his like they had that day at breakfast. She could fall asleep again with that hand in hers, just knowing he was close. Instead she crossed her arms over her chest. Wanting something was all well and good, but she wasn't even sure what it was that was between her and Koi these days. A part of her boldly and desperately wanted to find out, but the more sensible part was far too scared. "We... we can talk. But not here. We need to leave." She paused, then stood unsteadily on her bare feet, one hand tugging at her hem subconsciously. "How did you even get here? And what could have possibly made you think that breaking into my sister's ship would help your chances with her?"

i'm looking up to where these stars still shine for you
i'm looking up, beyond a crescent moon
i'm looking up, for a way to bring you home
'cause i'm lost without you

[august vance d7b [Bella]]

KOI WALLACE

Koi wasn’t sure if he could live on a ship, but he felt as though he could sleep on one. There was a gentle swaying motion to it with the waves rocking its sides, and it was so dark that it felt natural to close his eyes just then. As Evelyn woke gently at his words and brushed aside his sweaty hair, he closed his eyes, feeling drowsy all of a sudden, the first time he’d felt close to sleep in a few days.

With the sweat beginning to cool on his forehead, he felt a chill fall over him and had a sudden urge to crawl up into bed under the covers with Evelyn, where he was sure it would be warm, and he’d certainly fall asleep immediately. The idea was tempting, but it was weighed down under too many risks to count. Still he had to wonder, would she move in close to him on the small mattress? Would she put her head on his chest, her red hair pushed to the side across his skin? He only wanted to fall asleep next to her, but even to imagine them so vulnerable together felt risky, so when Evelyn spun herself out of bed he recoiled slightly, defensively, as if he were afraid she’d been reading his mind. Her bare legs were porcelain in the moonlight filtering through the window, and Koi’s eyes fell to the wooden floor as she began--fully awake now--to remind him of the things that were forbidden.

Koi had grown accustomed to the way that Evelyn spoke when she was irritated with him. It had thickened his skin like wrestling; being stretched and pinned into uncomfortable positions phased him less with every match. He’d learned to wait, listening, forming a response, but not to apologize. She was right, that him sneaking in could compromise the very thing they were working towards, but someone it would be worse to just sit at home, waiting unprepared for a meeting with her sisters. Surely she’d understand not wanting to be constrained like that--the two were a lot alike in this respect.

But it wasn’t just that. Koi had just one night left to fully believe that it was still possible for him and Evelyn to be together in the open. Some part of him had convinced the rest of him that he needed to see her on that night. Soon, things would be decided with what seemed like permanence, and there would be no room left for dreaming, figuratively and literally--Koi wasn’t sure he’d be able to sleep if he had a secret of these proportions on his shoulders.

“‘m sorry,” Evelyn said eventually. With the strange feeling of watching someone smear paint on a canvas, Koi’s hand almost jumped forward to pull her hand away from her face as she dragged it from her forehead to her chin. Why would he do that? His inhibitions had been packed away in the part of his brain that remembered how to sleep, probably. “We can talk. But not here. We need to leave.” Koi nodded in agreement, standing up beside her as she inquired what the heck had he been thinking.

“I walked here,” he answered, then realized that wasn’t what she meant. “I climbed a rope, one of the ones that ties the ship to the dock? And there was a hatch on the deck that went down into the ship, with a ladder.” As he told the story he realized he was miming motions of climbing with his hands, and he confined them to his pockets. “Where can we go to talk?” he asked.

Footsteps were heard in the hallway outside the door, and Koi fell silent, his body stiffening into a straight line, his hand seizing onto Evelyn’s wrist. Suddenly their conversation took a backseat to survival, and as the footsteps drew closer he looked for a way to avoid detection. He thought about locking the door, but he figured if it was Ophelia, and the older sister didn’t respect Evelyn’s privacy in her relationships, she might be angered by a locked door as well, potentially even break the lock. But if she came in and saw only an empty bed, it could be easily seen as Evelyn going out for some air. Even if she thought her sister had snuck out again, it would be better than finding Koi in the ship. He looked at Evelyn and nodded towards the closet, pulling her towards its open door on the lightest steps he could take.

As he closed the door and felt around for the far corner, he hit his head on a shelf in the darkness, his breath escaping hoarsely from his throat. That was going to be a goose egg later, he thought as he gripped his hairline with one hand. Pulling Evelyn by the elbow to sit down beside him, he planted himself in a fetal position in the corner. He grabbed some kind of long garment--a coat maybe, he couldn’t tell in the dark--from a hanger for camouflage and handed it to Evelyn since she was closest to the closet door.

This boat was not of the climate he was used to; it wasn’t air conditioned like home, and the cramped space made it even more humid, with his nervous breaths reflecting back at him from the wall. But when the footsteps began to fade into the background he relaxed slightly, and he felt different with Evelyn sitting so close to him, the sides of their legs touching. It wasn’t comfortable by any means, with the hard floor digging into his tailbone, but he wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, either. Koi watched her expression in the tiny stream of light that had managed to creep through the cracks by the door, trying to quiet his breathing. He swallowed hard.

“Guess we’re talking here then,” he noted in a whisper that was barely perceptible, barely a breath. “So what can I do to live up to her standards? What should I be prepared for?” he asked.

[Stare]

[googlefont="Poppins:400"]

Evelyn could barely hear Koi's words over the roaring of her own heartbeat. It was ridiculous, really. She wasn't scared of Ophelia, despite the fact that her older sister probably wished she was, but her chest felt tight as she leaned closer to the door in a desperate attempt to track the sound of footsteps. I'm afraid for Koi, Evelyn thought distantly, but the realization was so natural that it almost felt like an afterthought. Thoughtlessly, recklessly, she kept her eyes on the door but fumbled for his hand, eventually settling with gripping his forearm for reassurance.

The footsteps receded. Evelyn released his arm with an audible sigh.

The Pirate Queen would be back, though. Evelyn turned toward Koi and shifted in an attempt to get more comfortable, using the jacket he'd given her to cover her legs and moving a stray boot out from behind her. "Watch out for knives," she whispered absentmindedly as she drew her knees closer to her chest.

The closet, like almost everything on the ship, was small and cramped, forcing her to press up against Koi to avoid tumbling out the door. The proximity made her feel unusually warm. For some reason she felt the need to avoid his gaze, her eyes instead traveling upward toward where he'd hit his head. A small cut was just barely visible on his forehead. "Clumsy tadpole," she mumbled, surprising herself with an underlying tone of affection. She reached forward to wipe the blood away with her thumb, frowning slightly. "Ophelia doesn't have a very high opinion of land dwellers. Or men." She tried for a teasing grin but only managed an ironic half smile.

What should he be prepared for? A part of Evelyn was secretly afraid of the answer. She'd told Koi the truth about how she fit in with her sisters, but she had a feeling he'd been too drunk to truly understand at that point. The reality would be different. As soon as he met them he would see how much of a black sheep she truly was, and then what? Would he even want their approval anymore?

Even if he did, Ophelia would be up in arms before he had a chance to try to make a good impression. Evelyn had been brainstorming wild ideas over the past few days to try to make him more appealing to her oldest sister, all of them crazy and impossible. She could change his family story and claim he came from one of Four's most notorious crime families, or tell them he had some daring occupation on land that even her sisters wouldn't dare to do. Now, staring at him in the darkness, she felt a strange tightness in her chest as she remembered some of the stories she'd manufactured. She drew away her hand abruptly.

"This is stupid," she muttered. Then, realizing how it probably sounded to him, she revised her statement. "Not this, right now, but - the whole thing. Everything." She waved her hands around to emphasize her point, very aware of the fact that she probably looked absolutely mad. She wanted to tell him that she was sick of living up to her sisters' expectations, that the last thing she wanted to do was drag him into it, too. Trying to instruct him on how to act felt like tainting him, somehow.

"You shouldn't have to change," she finally settled on. "It's exhausting, trying to fit in with them all the time. I don't want you to have to do it, too. I like - " She caught herself, revised her statement. "You're fine the way you are."

He was more than fine. These days the thought of him made her heart stumble a bit. He was kind and loyal and daring and exciting, and he brought out the best in her in a way that made her think that maybe she could be a better person, someday. She wouldn't say any of that out loud even if she could figure out some way to articulate it, though, so instead she closed her eyes and leaned her head back until it hit the side of the closet with a quiet thud.

"Just... don't change. Not for them. Promise?"

i'm looking up to where these stars still shine for you
i'm looking up, beyond a crescent moon
i'm looking up, for a way to bring you home
'cause i'm lost without you

[august vance d7b [Bella]]

KOI WALLACE

Watch out for knives? Is that what she said? Koi pulled his knees in further, stiffening into stone, careful not to scoot along the floor. As Evelyn pushed her thumb against his forehead his face reddened, embarrassed, though it was too dark to notice; he hadn’t known that it was bleeding. Blood on her thumb, knives in her closet--what had shaped her nonchalance about these things? Koi had always known that she was unconventional, but his mental picture of her past was little more than a string of vague ideas. The present-day was closer to the foreground. Theft, bravery, stubbornness, secrecy, a ship and a captain. He always had a feeling he wasn’t getting the whole picture straight out from her, but he also had a feeling that Evelyn didn’t want to or couldn’t talk about it, and he’d never asked for specifics. Piracy, he’d guessed--he wasn’t an idiot, he could put two and two together, but he had no right to tell her what was illegal. No one did, he thought, when children were plucked for slaughter from a glass bowl each year.

It wasn’t like he had a clean slate in the first place. Born in privilege but living with few things by choice, Koi knew he had been playing his own game of make-believe, as though he cared little for his parents’ money. Adventurous, as if he would lift his anchor from the land and run away without a second thought. It was true that he was comfortable without expensive things, but he wasn’t so sure he could leave the land, if he had a choice. As often as he wished he wasn’t so tied down by his parents’ expectations, as often as he complained about it to Evelyn and dreamed of someplace else, he couldn’t picture himself knowingly disappointing his father like that.

So it was a silent agreement between them. They saw each other not as they were, but as they wanted to be seen. Koi could never say that it was wrong. Certainly there were other fictions, ones less beautifully told. He only hoped he could keep telling this one, in whatever direction it unfolded.

Evelyn’s hands flickered in the dim strip of light as she waved about the stupidity of the situation. Koi lowered his gaze, unsure of where she was going with this. She was right that he shouldn’t have to change, but under the circumstances he’d been willing to, wanted to, if it would improve his chances. Or at least learn some charms to keep under his belt. But she sounded so sincere, he was fine the way he was, she said, that he couldn’t disagree with her and he couldn’t help but smile, ever so slightly, for the first time in days. He shifted in his sitting position, forgetting about the possible knives, his throat oddly tight.

“I promise if you promise,” he answered in a breathy laugh, raising his right hand in a swear, glancing over to see if she’d cracked a smile. He would never ask her to change, either. With a teaspoon of what she had, he could tell his parents to shove it and become whatever he wanted to be.

“You say you don’t feel like you fit in,” he muttered, “but if I were  to judge I’d say you’re a better pirate than anyone on this ship. I don’t even have to meet them to know that.” Then realizing he’d outed her, he fell silent a moment, watching her expression. Even alone, in a dark closet in the middle of the night, it felt too invasive to mention casually. But he wanted to let her know he didn’t view her the way others might. “You’re fine the way you are too,” he said, nudging her with his elbow. The gesture was meant to be lighthearted, but in the limited space it felt like a rule being broken. It was getting warm quickly, humid from their breathing.

“I think they should be trying to fit in with you,” he added, his words a stream of consciousness. He felt like he needed to say more, to reiterate. There was much to be said, and his thoughts rose to the surface like they were boiling in the heat of his body; he was beginning to feel feverish. “You’re daring, and sharp, and defiant in a way that I could only hope to be. And you’re not afraid, even of your sister--I know so.” He looked at Evelyn, wondering if he was in any way coherent.

Absentmindedly, he reached to brush her hair behind her ear so he could see her better, but his finger got stuck in a tangle and he ended up pulling more of it out of place. As he brushed it back a second time he was reminded of the softness of her cheek against the back of his hand, and the way her eyes caught the sliver of light through the door frame. For a moment they were closer than close. He found himself staring, and as his chest began to tighten he suddenly looked at his knees. “Hell, Evelyn, you’re a vision,” he murmured straight ahead, half to himself. This confession rang in his ears a moment.

“The thing is, though, that you don’t need my approval. You shouldn't need anyone's. It's your life, right?" 

[Stare]

[googlefont="Poppins:400"]

Evelyn had always prided herself on being fearless.

It was the one thing her sisters couldn't deny, one thing they perhaps even admired. Regardless of all the trouble she caused they were forced to acknowledge that there was almost nothing she wouldn't do. She loved the adrenaline rush of heights, she looked forward to the pounding of the rain against her skin during a bad storm, she was always the first to leap from the ship to the sea when they were docked. It was a quality she could claim without a hint of guilt, one she clung to when someone had accused her of being rotten or manipulative.

Yet lately, she'd begun to falter. The moment the word pirate left Koi's lips Evelyn stiffened, her heartbeat roaring so loudly she barely heard the rest. He may have been a tadpole, but he wasn't stupid - she'd always known he was bound to figure it out eventually. And yet something about him saying it out loud cemented that irreversible knowledge in a way that made her jaw tense in anticipation of his judgement. She tried to keep her expression neutral as she evaluated the way he looked at her, searching for a hidden disapproval somewhere in his eyes. There was none.

You're fine the way you are, too.

She released a quiet, shuddering breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

But then he kept going, and every word felt like a previous gift that she didn't deserve. Among her sisters and the sailors on the docks she accepted compliments with exaggerated arrogance and bravado, mostly because she knew none of them meant a word of what they said. Coming from Koi, though, it was different. He was genuine in a way she desperately hoped she could be someday, and his words made her anxious at the prospect of living up to them. His hand reached out, brushing against her face, and she went completely still. She must have been getting claustrophobic, because suddenly she seemed to be having trouble breathing.

In that moment, raw and honest, she admitted to herself that she wanted him. She wanted his enthusiastic smiles, his eager sense of adventure, his tadpole clumsiness. She wanted to hold his hand or run her fingers through his hair or just be near him without any fear or guilt. She wanted moments like this, quiet and real. She wanted -

You're not afraid.

It's your life, right?

Before she could change her mind, she gripped his shoulder and kissed him.

It was rushed and urgent and a little bit terrified, but Evelyn swore that for a moment everything went still. The fear evaporated and all she could feel was the heat where her body pressed against his, the softness of his lips on hers, the wild thrum of adrenaline shooting through her veins. Something inside her begged for closer longer more, and she obliged by shifting just a bit further into the kiss. She wanted this, strange and new and warm, expanding in her chest until it felt as though she would happily drown in it. Drown in him.

Three heartbeats in, reality hit.

She tore herself away so quickly that she nearly lost her balance and fell on top of him, catching herself at the last second and then scrambling to put distance between them without colliding into the closet door. "I'm sorry," she gasped, her breathing uneven, lips still tingling and fingers grasping at the jacket on her lap to steady them. "I wasn't - I know you don't - I mean, you don't have to - " She swore, probably louder than she should have, and pressed a palm to her forehead with a cringe. Her thoughts were stumbling over each other and nothing was coming out right. It felt as if her face was on fire. Hell, it felt as if everything was on fire. "I'm just - I'm sorry."

She was an idiot, and as her gaze dropped stubbornly to her hands so that she wouldn't have to look him in the eye, she realized that she wasn't truly fearless.

Nothing scared her quite like he did.

i'm looking up to where these stars still shine for you
i'm looking up, beyond a crescent moon
i'm looking up, for a way to bring you home
'cause i'm lost without you

[august vance d7b [Bella]]

KOI WALLACE

Evelyn pulled him in by the shoulder, and he was undone.

There was a heat between them that swelled through his body like ice cracking, hummed from his insides to his ends. His heart was beating so loudly that he was certain she could hear it, and he wasn’t embarrassed. It was magic, this disappearing act she was performing with him, the soft pressure of her lips evaporating for just a moment everything he’d worried about for the past few weeks. But performing wasn’t really the right word; it brought to mind images of masks and deception, and this was the most real he had ever felt. It was the grand revealing of the thing he wanted most, something he hadn’t fully admitted to himself. Koi wanted her, in secret and in the daylight, he wanted more, he wanted to run his fingers through the tangles in her hair and pull her closer to him. He wanted to ask her what she liked, and give her everything she could ever ask for.

Breathless, Koi watched Evelyn pull away and apologize, mouth still prickling against the phantom of her lips. Again he was reminded that she was human, that she couldn’t read his mind to know that he’d wanted this, too. Koi couldn’t help but smile faintly beside her, two fingers against his lips in memory, as he listened to her. Did she really think he would see this as out of place? Their scales went silently back and forth, in this weighing of worth and esteem--which of the two of them was more brave, who was more worthy of respect, who was more deserving of the other’s attention. It had been a stupid game. Now, seeing his feelings returned, Koi felt as though he saw her at eye level. A shaky laugh escaped his lungs at the absurdity of it all. “No, no,” he breathed, unable to contain a grin out of equal parts nervousness and euphoria. “You’re good at it.” His hands were cold and unsteady; he braced them against the floor and closed the distance between himself and Evelyn.

“Please--” he reminded her in a whisper, “--don’t be sorry ever again,” daring to reach to her cheek, thumb lingering in that space between her jaw and her earlobe, his fingers against her hair, tilting her chin upward. Koi wanted to lift her up like this, to raise her on a pedestal so she was never uncertain, or to carry her off somewhere they’d never be found. Her green eyes were blackened in the darkness and he held them, searching, his breaths wobbling in his throat. He swallowed a prayer, leaned in, and kissed her again.

Between them was a slow pressure that built like a crescendo with the pounding in his chest, insistent. He was insisting that he wanted this, asserting that he meant it. Though he wasn’t brave, he was pushing himself to be, his hand moving between her shoulder blades and pulling her towards him, letting her know that she was always welcome, that she didn’t need an invitation or reassurance. Wishes were flowing through his head in waves, but in that moment, he was grateful for the ones that were being granted with each second that passed.

Pulling away from her and back to reality was drudgery, and he did so feeling high and a little sleepy, his cheeks like burning coals. The closet was silent with the gravity of things, and he was reminded of where he was, and the task that lay two days ahead of them.

“Do you feel that?” he asked quietly, referring to the pull in his chest. He reached for her hand and folded it in his own, gently pressing two of her fingers where his neck met his collarbone. The pulse there was heavy and fast; he could hear it in his head. “That’s what I’m going to fight for. The way that I feel about you, see?”

And though it was all on the line, his list of uncertainties grew shorter with every word that passed between them.

[Stare]

[googlefont="Poppins:400"]

Where her kiss had been fast and desperate, Koi's was steady and firm. It left her feeling limp and a little bit dizzy when he pulled away, her heart a stumbling trot as she met his gaze. It all felt somewhat surreal, as if she'd never actually woken up and was caught in some kind of blissful dream. But the heat of him against her was very real, the pulse beneath her fingers a comforting reminder that he wasn't just going to vanish when she opened her eyes. A bit lightheaded, she leaned forward and gently pressed her lips to the spot he'd led her fingers to, smiling.

"Ophelia would kill us if she found us right now," she murmured. At first the thought seemed humorous, the Pirate Queen bursting in on a closet tryst involving the sister she probably least expected to become romantically involved. After a few moments, though, it gradually transformed itself into a cold and harsh reality. Evelyn wanted to lean in closer to Koi's warmth, to kiss him until she forgot, but she knew that wasn't an option. Slowly she pulled back so she could look him in the eye.

Evelyn had never been good at expressing more tender emotions. She had no issue with outrage - a string of curses and a raised voice were among her favorite ways to convey her displeasure - but when it came to things like sorrow or affection she immediately closed herself off. She'd gone soft, there was no denying it anymore, but she still struggled with the wording. Her face was warm and she tore her gaze away from his, using her free hand to fiddle with her jacket.

"Listen, I... I care about you," she finally managed, and even though she'd just kissed him (twice) it felt like a confession. "But..." She chewed on her lower lip anxiously. It was ridiculous. She was Evelyn Sparrow, and she was fearless.

But he seemed to be the exception to every rule she'd made for herself, didn't he?

"I'm scared," she admitted at last. "I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want to get hurt."

And yet, it didn't feel like a decision anymore. She had tangled herself with him irreversibly, and she would be lying if she said she minded. He'd somehow become someone she leaned on, someone she looked for, and even in the current moment she'd relaxed into the feeling of being so close. She released her hand on the coat and brought it up slowly, cautiously, her touch feather-light as she ran her fingers down his jawline.

He was her best friend, her favorite tadpole. Despite all the oppositions against them, his warmth against her fingertips felt right in a way that she couldn't ignore. Her sisters would disown her for having such sappy thoughts. Ophelia would accuse her of making a mistake.

"I don't want to lose you, Bird Boy."

If Koi was a mistake, he was the best one she'd ever made.

i'm looking up to where these stars still shine for you
i'm looking up, beyond a crescent moon
i'm looking up, for a way to bring you home
'cause i'm lost without you