Who I Am Inside {Ping/Merida JB Blitz}

[kap]

A terror. That's what I've always been told the Games are, and I don't doubt it. Although I've never known anyone who's had to experience them, I'd seen them unfold on the television screen, and they are utterly terrifying. I never thought I'd be the one who had to fight in them next, but unfortunately, that seems to be the case, and the mere thought makes my body tremor.

Stopping those tremors was necessary, however, as I had to bring honor to my family and my District. I couldn't let people, especially not the other tributes, think that I was weak, or see anything that they may be able to do to take me down and out. I'd shown a strong side to Cinder, as it was needed. She was only twelve years old, and was ready to volunteer for me but I wouldn't let her. She needed to see that strong side so that she could be confident in me and know I would be safe. I didn't cry in front of my parents, either. I had to stay strong. I wouldn't let the tears show in front of Belle, and now that Merida entered the room, she didn't get to see tears, either. I had to be sure of it.

To be entirely honest, I sort-of had a thing for Merida, but I don't think that she was even aware that I was gay. Belle had been the only one I'd ever shared that information with. Maybe now was the time to tell Merida. I couldn't let it go unknown that I cared so much for her, especially if I never was going to see her again. This could be our very last time face to face with one another, so I needed to make it mean something.

---

When Merida entered the room, I gave her a smile to show that I was strong. I couldn't show that I was scared. That just wasn't an option. Therefore, I spoke to her immediately after she closed the door.

"Merida, we don't have much time, okay? I need to tell you something important."

[Sockie]

        Waiting was Hell. Every visit was only allowed to be a few minutes, but every time one of our friends walked out of the lobby to see Ping my hands shook a little harder. I needed to tell her something, but I didn't know if it would come up or not. Whether it did or didn't would change my life.
        The girls came out in tears. Burying their faces in their hands and wondering how could it have happened. Easy. Ping's name was on the paper and they pulled it out. Just as Cinder's name was on a paper and they didn't. Belle's name was on a paper and they didn't. My name was on a paper and they didn't. 
        I could have volunteered, but no one would blame me for not. Ping was a friend. Is a friend - she isn't dead. But the truth was that I know her well enough to know it wouldn't have been the right choice, because I know myself. We're enough alike. Honor is something different to her, and if I thought she had no chance of surviving I might have stepped up. But she's strong. Stronger than me, although I'm rare to admit it.
        When I walk into the room, she's smiling at me. Unshaken (but shaken). I close the door, gently, not in a hurry (but in a hurry).
        "Merida, we don't have much time, okay? I need to tell you something important." My shoulders stiffen. I had an idea of what could be so important. I had come in with things of my own to say, and if fortune hated me enough it was certain to be the same. I feel a rush in my heart, and it gathers up and prickles in my throat. Be brave, Merida.
        "Okay, me first. I love you."

merida,

[kap]

When Merida entered, her words came quickly, and they were just like the ones I wanted to say. It was hard for me to believe at first that she truly felt the same way as I did about her, but it must have been true. Why would she lie to me when I was likely to never come home alive and be able to see her again?

My words were thought out long before, so I didn't have to think in the moment when I said them.

"I love you, too, Merida. You have no idea how long I've wanted to be able to tell you that. I suppose I just never found the right time until it was almost too late." I told her this and immediately, I wrapped my arms around her in a tight hug. Tears wanted to escape my eyes but I couldn't let them. No, I had to be strong, even though it meant that I may be losing the one that I love.

When I pulled away from the hug, I was sure to look her in the eyes so that she knew I was being genuine. I truly meant it, and nothing could change that fact. I loved Merida more than anything, even if I didn't truly admit it to anyone until her, right here, right now.

[Sockie]

        My hands were trembling, busy pinching the sides of my shirt and squeezing into my palm. When Ping hugged me my hands bent at the elbows like springs, and then stretched out around her like a child. In that moment I realised how much I needed someone like her around. I wanted to tell her to win. To come back. To love me here in District 11 and kiss me and learn what life could be for us, together.
        But I couldn't do that. It would be cruel, and I knew it would hurt her because if I asked her to come back she would think she had no choice. So instead I held onto her and tried to remember the feeling of any part of her body that touched mine. When she pulled away, I swallowed hard before looking into her eyes. Another way Ping and I were so blatantly alike, we would never let anyone see us cry. My heart cried for her, though, my heart begged her to kill everyone in sight until she was the last person left and on her way home to me. My heart kissed her. But I did not. 
            "I have to go." I said, and I felt my heart drop to the bottom of my ribs and bang it's shaking fists against my insides. I needed to give her something. I touched a button on my shirt, and held my gaze on Ping, admiring her beautiful face once more before the capital painted it and gave her a story to tell. The door opened, and a soldier called me out. I took one last step towards Ping and pulled the celtic-knot ribbon from it's tie around one of the loops of my skirt, and handed it to her. 
            I turned. Maybe I should have done something more. Maybe I should have said more than  I love you. It didn't matter. All I could think, over and over, with every footfall out of the room. Right now she's still alive. Right now she still has a chance.

merida,

[kap]

Our time together in the Justice Building was rapidly coming to a close. Merida spoke to me so calmly and kindly, even as the door opened and a Peacekeeper told her it was time to leave. She took one last step closer to me in her final moments with me, and untied a ribbon from her clothing, handing it to me. It was something to remember her by. That much I could tell. Tears started to well in my eyes but I couldn't let them fall. No, I couldn't let Merida know how weak I felt right then. I took the ribbon from her hand as she passed it to me and immediately took the hair comb that I'd been given by my parents and handed it to Merida.

"I'm only allowed one token from the District, and I want to take this ribbon with me. Can you keep this for me, instead? It's always brought me good luck, so maybe it can bring you some while I'm gone, too." I placed the hair comb in Merida's hand with a weak smile on my face. "Please, take it, and don't forget me." My voice cracked with my last few words, but I continued to hold in the tears.