Karolina O'Reilly D4 [FIN]

[uwu]

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THOUGHTS
"MY SPEECH"
"YOUR SPEECH"
OOC?

I don't know. That thought runs through my mind every day. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if this is right. I don't know. I swear I used to be confident at one point. It was such a long time ago that it's becoming harder and harder to remember as I go deeper into the hellhole of self-doubt. Back when I was young, maybe around 3 or 4, I used to blurt out whatever I wanted to say. Someone had a question? It was me who said the first answer. Someone mentioned a topic I liked? I jumped right it and talked to them. No one minded at first. Of course, I was a toddler. No one cares wants to be rude to a toddler. It's almost like hitting a puppy. Who would want to do that? I know I wouldn't.

Everyone loved me from what I remembered. I was cute with all my answers. I could literally go on for hours about topics I loved, like fishing or tridents or my parents. All the adults' reactions all adored how adorable I was when I got all flustered and out of breath. So I thought it was normal. I thought it was okay to be like that. If the adults liked me, then everyone had to like me. Right? Wrong.

It wasn't until I started school that my 'bubbly' personality popped. Other kids kept on telling me to shut up and that I was weird. They didn't have the same filters as my family did. They would laugh whenever I answered a question wrong. They tell me to go away whenever I tried to give my opinion. I felt isolated and alone. I didn't want to conform to the society around me, but if I wanted to fit in, I would have to. I didn't understand why. It made no sense to me why people didn't like my fun and insightful stories or why they would make fun of ME out of all people. Other people would get answers wrong and interject into my conversations, but no one made fun of them. I don't know.

The teachers tried to help. They seemed to like me. I could actually talk to them and have meaningful conversations with them. It made me feel happy to have someone to talk to. Yet, it made me even more of an outcast. The other kids would make fun of me for not talking to anyone my age. It was like they were too dense to realize the only reason why I didn't talk to them is that they wouldn't let me. Those bloody hypocrites. I hate them so much. There was nothing more than I wanted to do than to give all of their faces a nice hug from a metal bar until their faces turned red, but I figured violence wouldn't solve anything. I thought choosing the high road would be a smart idea. It didn't get me in trouble with the teachers and other adults, but it didn't help me with the kids. I wish I could have been brave enough to fight back. I wish I could have been more vocal about something. However, if I talked to the adults about it, the kids would have made fun of me for being a teachers' pet, and if I insulted the students, they would have gotten me in trouble. I hate this society so much.

There are days that I want to rip my blond hair out because these dense fucks don't do anything right, and I can't do anything to change them. I remember them making fun of this one guy who's clumsy and spacey as hell. I wanted to stand up to him, but I didn't. All I could do was watch as they pushed him around. He didn't seem to care that much, but it made me upset. Maybe if I was more confident, I could have done something. I thought about training to become a career, but I didn't bring myself to do that. It was too late for me to do that. I was 13. I would be too far behind everyone else. Looking back, I wish I had, but I know it would be far too late for a 17-year-old. What would be the point now? I would only get 2 years out of the training before I would be too old for the games. I wish I could just so something right. Maybe if I volunteered as a tribute, others would respect me. Maybe I would be remembered as a hero who saved her allies and defied all odds. But who am I kidding? I barely can stand up for myself, let alone volunteer in front of the entire district. I'll just end up forgotten and alone in this cruel universe. I just wish I could do something right in my life for once...

[uwu]

Finished!

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