Hiding In My Mind {Dee}

[kap]

Elden Morgan
District Nine
Seventeen
544 words

It was nice to have some work to do, now, rather than sitting around at home, wallowing in self-pity and mourning my mother and brother, Alder, despite the two years that had passed since Alder's death, and the many years beyond that that had passed since my mother's. My father and sister were much stronger handling their deaths than I was, telling me that I'm strong, and that I can handle that. It makes me wonder if I really am strong, though, because so few things in life can distract me from the memories of it all.

Am I weak for still mourning them when my father and sister have seemingly moved on?

It makes me wonder.

---

The work I was hired to do made me basically feel like I was just running errands for this man, but it still helped my mind not focus on the things that it hasn't been able to escape from for the years since the deaths that occurred in my family. He would have me do anything from fetching his coffee to going to meetings for him, and I didn't mind at all, as long as it gave my brain something else to focus on. At the end of a day, after I'd been to a meeting or done something else of importance for him, he wanted a report, so that's what I did for him, when I needed to, and today was one of those days.

I approached Mr. Stellar Jay, a written page of notes in hand, and the words I was going to say to him in mind. Before I'd entered the room, however, of course, I'd gone over the notes that I'd written down so that I had them in my head and wouldn't have to refer to them as frequently when I actually came in to speak with the man. He'd always been kind to me, especially with giving me this job, so I didn't want to take up too much of his time and become a nuisance. I hated to be in people's way, as I was usually someone who kept to myself. I didn't often open up to others, so I knew what it was like to be a bit annoyed by someone who was in your presence for a little while longer than would have initially been desired.

"Mr. Jay," I said to him. "I have your report for today," I continued, "The meeting went well. I thought that maybe I should go over some of the details of it with you, if you'd like. Or, perhaps I should just leave my notes with you?" I offered to him, in case he wasn't in the mood to talk with me all that much today. I shifted on my feet, feeling a bit antsy to hear his response, as I wanted to know what I had to do so that I could continue on with the rest of my day, however it may end up unfolding in the end. I didn't have any particular things planned, but it was still good to know whether my work day was quite over yet or not.

Was it time to go back to hiding in my own mind again, or did Mr. Jay have something else to say to me?

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MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

[ᕙʕ•ᴥ•ʔᕗ]

No sound came from Stellar’s office as he sat back in his chair and twirled 5 with 6 with the fingers of his right hand. Pre-Elden, he would have been doing the same thing but underneath a desk and pretending to pay attention. Now, nobody bothered him for a good hour, hour-and-a-half. The weekly meetings were a bore, listening to people and their “progress” each week. Stellar almost always had the same thing to offer: numbers. It was his job, after all, to crunch the numbers at the refinery and find ways for the refinery to become more effective. It’s so stupid. But it was a job and it was one he was good at. Nobody else could see the patterns on the paper; nobody else could see the numbers turning the machines.

At first, his absence from the meetings was noticed, with a young seventeen-year-old taking his spot at the table. His boss had stormed into his office, demanding an explanation but all Stellar did was shrugged and ask if Elden had done his job well. After the fifth meeting, his boss stopped coming in. Either the table stopped caring or Elden was doing a good enough job that it didn’t matter. Either way, Stellar was able to enjoy this time for the short amount of time it lasted.

As if on cue, Stellar heard Elden’s voice calling his name in a way that made him internally cringe and outwardly wince. Mr. Jay. Am I really that old? He was an uncle, a fun uncle, but it was hard to wrap his mind around such a formal address, especially when he was still acting like a child. Stellar sat up, alert, to hear what his assistant had to say. As always, after a meeting, Elden would give Stellar a run-down, just in case there was something that Stellar needed to know. Most of the time that was not the case, but there was always a few equipment breakdowns that he would have to factor in to his analysis.

Stellar took a few minutes to look at his assistant, one he had hand-picked from the school he had gone to. By hand-picked, he meant ask a familiar teacher if she had any good students interested in a job. He knew very little about the young man, only that he was still in school and also very smart per his teacher. It didn’t take much to persuade his boss that he would need an assistant; some more crunching of the numbers showed that the pay would hardly make a dent to the refinery while the efficacy of his one-man department would improve. Sure, he had to coax some of the numbers his way, but it did the job.

“You can leave the notes on my desk, but why don’t you take a seat?” As he asked his assistant to sit, he stood up and pulled a chair to the left side of his desk. He wanted to get to know his assistant better, not interrogate the poor young man. Elden complied and Stellar was pleased. While he did earnestly want to get to know Elden, he was also happy about putting off his own work. After all, very few things were an emergency when it came to his job.

“So, I know you are still in school and that you do fairly well in classes. What is your family life like? What did you do with your free time before this job?” These were the basic questions, the “let’s dip our toes in the water before submerging” questions.

STELLAR JAY | JAY FAMILY PLOT | PLAY BY: TOM HUGHES

[kap]

Elden Morgan
District Nine
Seventeen
667 words

Stellar Jay was a good man, always kind of actions and friendly of words. In a way, he reminded me of a younger version of my father. My father is often that way, except he doesn't usually speak as much, keeping almost all of his words to himself, unless he needs to console someone to make them feel better about something that happened, such as when my mother died, or when Alder died.

He told me to put down the notes that I had taken and then offered for me to take a seat as well. I did as he said, placing the notepad with my rather neat (if I may say so myself) handwriting upon the desk and sitting in the chair nearest the two of us. I looked at him with a gentle smile, hoping that I seemed polite enough. I hated to come off as rude, but I also didn't like to open up very much, and his next words implied that opening up was exactly what he wanted me to do for him.

When he spoke to me, he noted that I was still in school, and that I did well in my classes, both of which were true. I'd always been a hard worker, even when I didn't have to be, like in school. A lot of the subjects in school- most of them, actually- came quite easily to me. Math was just numbers. English was just words. History was just memorizing the things that they told me and being able to repeat it back when I was asked about it. Honestly, none of it really stumped me, so I certainly suppose that one could say that I did well in my classes. My grades were always high, as was the quality of my work.

The next part of his words were what made me want to stay quiet, though. He asked me what my family life was like. Sure, he also asked what I had done in my free time before getting the job that he had given me, but the question about my family life had been what stuck in my head, because, for some reason, Mom and my brother, Alder, were all that were really on my mind today, and how difficult things are without them around. Sure, Dad and my sister, June, were wonderful, but things just weren't the same anymore with about half of my family gone.

I wasn't sure what to tell him. I wanted to be lighthearted, but I also wanted to be honest. I just had to think of a way to do both of those things at the same time when speaking to him and explaining things. He had also asked me what I did in my free time, so maybe I could weave that in there somewhere, too. I could answer both of his questions without going off on a depressing tangent.

Nodding in response to what he had said about me being in school and doing well, I then spoke.

"Yeah, I'd say I've always been a pretty good student," I told him. "To answer your questions, though, I live with my father and my sister. Her name's June. We all get along pretty well, I'd say, despite some stress here and there. We don't spend as much time together as we used to, though." I explained.

Then I continued.

"I would usually spent my free time with my friend Fangor, for a while, but he's been busy, so I thought I'd try to pick up a job." I gave a slight smile with my words, although my fingers were tapping on my leg as they rested there, making it obvious that I felt a little nervous. I wondered if that would give it away that I didn't really want to say everything. Would he pry more, in that case, if he realized that that was what was going on?

I wasn't sure how much I wanted to say, since I was so used to hiding in my mind.

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MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

[ᕙʕ•ᴥ•ʔᕗ]

Stellar had always noticed that Elden was rather quiet and kept to himself, but it was never more pronounced than it was at that moment. Numbers exuded from the young man that signaled hesitation and possible anxiety? Stellar had not meant to make his assistant uncomfortable, but Elden complied and remained polite through it all. He started by talking about his family, a father and a sister. No mention of a mother and Elden didn’t seem to want to hang on the fact, but his numbers spoke of tragedy before clearing to the next topic.

“I understand a little bit about stress in the family. I grew up with five siblings and one cousin under one roof, with other family members coming in and out all the time. I love my family, but sometimes, it can be a bit much.” Stellar’s heart ached for a second as he recalled that the six he grew up with had gone down to four. But tragedy and sadness seemed to be topics that Elden was avoiding, so Stellar waved away the 4 and 2 buzzing around his head. Even though he knew they were not tangible, he still interacted with the numbers out of habit. It warranted some strange stares, but most ignored it.

He couldn’t help but chuckle at Elden’s next words about the reason why he thought it was time for a job. His assistant was far more productive than he was; Stellar only took a job because he had become an adult and in his mother’s words: “It’s time for you to actually do something outside of this house.” While he still hated working, he had to admit that it was not the worst of jobs he could be in.

“Good for you. I did not have that initiative when I was going through school. In fact, I was putting off getting a job for as long as I could. Things change after you’re 18, though.”

Chewing on his next words, Stellar tried to determine what questions he could ask. He was hoping to make Elden feel more relaxed and yet it seemed like his questions were doing the opposite. Maybe something to take his mind off of life outside of work? Stellar looked at Elden and gave him a smile. “What would you like to do after school? I can’t imagine that you would want to spend the rest of your life fetching coffee and going to meetings for me.” It was an earnest question, one Stellar hoped that Elden would respond to. As much as Stellar liked having Elden help out, he was also interested in helping Elden go somewhere. But remember, he is still seventeen. His future…is not set for him yet.

STELLAR JAY | JAY FAMILY PLOT | PLAY BY: TOM HUGHES

[kap]

Elden Morgan
District Nine
Seventeen
556 words

Mr. Jay said he understood stress in the family, explaining how he had grown up with a large family under one roof. He expressed that, although he loved his family, things could become a little overwhelming, which I understood. I knew the name 'Jay', and knew that this wasn't everything about his family. He'd gone through loss, too, and I'd almost forgotten that. Although, he didn't know that I had lost people, too, because my family's name wasn't as well known like that. I suppose it was a good thing, though. It was difficult enough hearing 'my condolences' all the time from people who did know about the losses in my family. I couldn't imagine hearing that frequently from the whole of District Nine.

The next thing that he did was praise me for my desire to work, explaining that he didn't have that sort of initiative at my age. Then he continued speaking.

“What would you like to do after school? I can’t imagine that you would want to spend the rest of your life fetching coffee and going to meetings for me.” He said this to me, and I let out a slight laugh. I was someone who, for the longest time, knew exactly what he wanted to do in life. I wanted to be a working man and run my own business alongside my brother. That was what I was set on for years, but now, I'm not even sure that I would want to run my own business, since Alder wouldn't be there. If we couldn't do it together, I didn't want to do it at all. I wondered if I should explain that to the man.

Perhaps that was the right thing to do. Keeping everything inside my head and hidden away from the world was starting to change how I functioned. It made the days more difficult, like I had to actively keep a bunch of secrets from the world, even though it was something I was completely allowed to tell people, and just chose not to.

"Well," I started, rubbing the back of my neck in a nervous fashion. I rarely ever opened up to people about things like this, but I supposed it was about time that I spoke to someone outside of my family about it.

"I used to have this goal to start a business with my younger brother, Alder, when we were both out of school," I explained. "Unfortunately," I continued, "that's not really a possibility anymore." I cleared my throat gently to prevent my voice from shaking. I didn't want to sound too emotional. I always ended up tearing up when I talked about Alder's death and I wanted to prevent that from happening in front of my boss. It would be too embarrassing and unprofessional.

"You see, Alder isn't around anymore..." My voice shook as I spoke, no matter how steady I tried to keep it. "He was killed a couple years back, and I don't think I could convince myself to go on with that goal without him, so I'm not really sure what I want to do now."

I looked at Mr. Jay. Somehow, this time, I'd prevented myself from tearing up.

"I guess that's why I'm here. I want to figure out what I want to do with my life, and this job was a place to start."

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MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0