now i know i need you / rory's last
Apr 8, 2019 22:31:36 GMT -5
Post by Stare on Apr 8, 2019 22:31:36 GMT -5
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When death enters Rory’s body she feels it, but it doesn’t hurt.
Maybe, she thinks as she crumbles into the dirt, eyes wide and chest gasping, this is why Savior begged for death. Maybe this is why Danny Brooker volunteered to be murdered rather than let herself fade away into nothing. Death isn’t gentle but it’s surprisingly painless, and Rory hopes that was the case for all the tributes who fell before her. She hopes it’s true for the tributes who fall after.
She hopes it was true for Myrcella, and Stanley, and Finley.
A flash of blonde swims into her vision. Severus. Rory immediately tries to school her composure, tries to be completely present and brave for the boy who will always deserve better. As he gets closer she levels her breathing, forcing herself up onto one arm and ignoring the way her body begs to be left where it has fallen. She wants to say goodbye, and she can’t do it on this kind of stage. “Hey, can we get out of here?”
Her district partner stoops down to help her to her feet, and through the roaring in her ears she hears him sniffling. “Yeah, of course.” He pauses and she takes the moment to attempt a full breath, ignoring the way her body shudders in response. “Why don’t we find somewhere we can see the sunset?”
“That sounds wonderful.” She glances down at him as they stagger along. “Don’t worry, Sev. It doesn’t hurt.”
His tears break her numbed heart, but he wipes them away swiftly. “Good... because you don’t deserve any pain. You’re so strong Rory, and if you’re scared remember... that you are allowed to be... and that you aren’t alone.”
Scared? Raven joins them and between the three of them they somehow manage to get Rory on top of her horse. Blood, thick and sticky and dark, begins to rush over its gunmetal flanks. In the beginning, Rory thought she was scared of dying. She loathed the way the thought made her blood run cold and her heart stutter. But now, as she feels the inevitable end wrapping its arms around to claim her, she realizes that she was never afraid of death. She was afraid of losing everyone she cared about and dying without anyone left to hold her hand. But that kind of end, gasping and pathetic and guilty and lonely, is reserved for people like Saturn Rhodon.
She will die, and she will die soon, but she won’t die alone.
“I’m not scared. I thought I was, but I’m not.”
The short ride passes by in a blur. The numbness is spreading through her body and she’s too exhausted to try to fight it off, but she clings to the horse for the sake of her allies. Up ahead she can make out Raven and Severus, but Ronan must have stayed behind. Her eyes flutter closed for a moment, those final moments flashing through her mind. Fighting alongside Ronan Keeni-Einfallen was certainly not a bad way to go.
She’s not sure how much time has passed before the horse stops and Severus helps her back down. His grip on her tightens, pulling her into a hug, and she dips her chin down against the top of his head. “Thank you for being here for me, for being here for her.” His voice trembles slightly. “For being my sister.”
"It's been an honor. I really mean that." Rory can’t hold herself up. His grip loosens and she slides down to the ground, wincing. "But you have to keep going strong without me now, okay?"
Severus lowers himself down next to her and nods. Tears are starting to roll down his cheeks. “I’ve never been good at goodbyes.”
“Hey,” her voice drops down to an almost-whisper, as if the whole world isn’t watching, “don't cry. This is how I wanted it to go. I didn't - I didn't want to die alone."
He wipes quickly at his face before grasping one of her hands. His smile is forced, but she appreciates it anyway. “You won’t. We’re going to be here every step of the way.” He pauses. “I’m proud of you Aurora LaChance. And I’m proud to know you.”
Aurora LaChance. Her eyes drift shut. Ronan promised he would take it to his grave, but suddenly she wonders why he should. What is it, exactly, that she thinks she’s protecting? Herself, against a legacy she never wanted? A family that’s already falling to pieces? A little girl whose fate is already sealed? She thought she was saving them from even more damage, but maybe the pain is necessary. Maybe some wounds aren’t meant to heal.
"I'm proud to know you, too, Severus Ward. But I need - I need you to know something." She sucks in a deep, shuddering breath, opening her eyes to meet his gaze. "I thought I was protecting people by keeping secrets about who I really am, but that wasn't right. Sometimes you need the truth, even if it hurts. The truth is - " She falters, remembers what she said to Ronan. "The truth is that Alex Brooker is my best friend."
I’m sorry, Mom.
"And my sister."
A bastard Brooker. Somewhere, probably alone, Alex is starting to cry again. But what would her knowing have changed? A part of Rory regrets never saying anything, but a larger part acknowledges that she made the decision she thought was right at the time. Alex still wandered into the clinic that day and they still became friends. What does the rest matter?
There’s a pause before his grip on her hand tightens reassuringly. “It’s okay. She’ll be okay... It will be okay.”
Will it? Rory supposes that’s not her problem anymore.
Her gaze drifts over to Raven. "You take care of them, you hear? Have their backs like you had mine."
Raven shakes her head. "I can't take care of people, you know that. I'm not good at that like you are..." Her tone drops, become hushed and laced with something close enough to shame to make Rory’s heart ache. "Clearly I'm not even good at having people's backs." She looks back at Rory. "We're all going to fall apart without you."
I was never the one holding you together. "No you're not." She forces her weak voice to carry a firm tone. "You're going to keep it together and keep fighting. Okay? The world doesn't start and stop with me." Because Rory doesn’t want to think about them falling apart. She doesn’t want to leave them feeling lost and broken like she did the family she never claimed. "And you've done a great job at protecting us. This isn't your fault."
Raven draws in a sharp, steadying breath. "I'll keep fighting. And I'll protect our boys, for you. But I can't promise I can keep my shit together." She laughs a bit. "All I can promise is that I'll wreck havoc to all who laid a finger on you."
I don’t want havoc. But that’s not Rory’s choice anymore. So instead she just smiles. "You do what you have to do. Thanks for carrying me this far."
Raven mirrors her smile. "Any time, Rora. I'm sure we'll see each other again, and I'll carry you there wherever and whenever we meet once more."
Reality is getting very slippery indeed. But suddenly Ronan swims into her vision and Rory is flooded with relief. Relief that he’s alive, relief that he’s with her, relief that she’ll get to say goodbye.
"I-I didn't kill him...."
Rory shakes her head, ignoring the way it makes everything in the world seem to falter. "I don't care about him. I'm just glad you're here."
“I know.” He comes in closer, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. "I-I'm glad you're still here too..."
Barely. Her body shudders once, briefly, before she manages to shoot him a weak smile. "I'm going to miss you, Mr. Not-Doctor. There's no one else like you, you know that?"
It’s true. There’s no one else like Ronan, her confidant, her hero, broken and battered and a bastard just like her. She can almost imagine herself back to the previous night, drunk out of her mind and dancing with him to the sound of Sev’s music.
"I'm going to miss you too, Dr. Last Chance." He hums, and she can tell that the smile he gives her back is forced. "I know."
Rory reaches out and gently grasps his shoulder. "Hey. It's going to be okay." She laughs softly. "At least I got a chance to get wasted and pour my heart out, right?"
"It's not gonna be okay." His response startles her. Doesn't he know that she won’t allow that kind of talk at her deathbed? "It's never going to be okay. You deserve more than this." There’s a beat of silence. "At least we got the chance together."
She would slap him if she wasn’t dying. “No, you deserve more than this." She’s dead serious and desperately hopes he can tell. She will not leave him feeling guilty. "I didn't want to lose any of you, and now I don't have to. So I got exactly what I wanted. Okay? Now you have to go on and keep hunting down dreams without me."
"You got what you wanted." He’s starting to cry, and the tightness in Rory’s chest suddenly has nothing to do with death. "You were my hero. The first person to make me feel like I could do anything again. He's taking everything from me. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to be alone again."
"You have to lose me. We were always going to have to lose each other, one way or another." The truth stings in a way she isn’t ready for, even though she’s the one that speaks it. Rory reaches out and uses her thumb to brush away his tears, smearing blood against his skin in the process. "But you can do anything, with or without me. And I meant what I said. You are a hero."
He smiles sadly. "I know, but losing you is like losing my heart. You'll always be my hero, Rory." Ronan pauses, then reaches out and runs a hand through her hair. She subconsciously leans into the touch, an anchor to the world of the living that she desperately needs. Things are fading fast. "I wish things were different... I wish life gave you a better hand, Rory."
Rory smiles at him teasingly. "Maybe I can haunt you." His small laugh is enough to make the effort of hanging on worth it. But then she grows a little more serious, because Ronan Keeni-Einfallen cannot go around thinking he’s any less mighty just because he’s lost her. "You had a heart before me, and you'll have one after. And I'm happy with my hand. I got to help so many people."
Except. She cringes. Myrcella. Stanley. Finley.
"I just wish... I wish I hadn't killed any."
"You've helped me so much more than you'll ever probably know, Rory." In response to her statement, his expression hardens. “You did what you had to My aunt used to tell me not to regret anything, wastes what good you have. Don't regret what you did. It was either them or you. We knew that coming into this."
We did. But no one dies without regrets, and while Rory knows she can never let hers go, she feels a hell of a lot better having said them out loud. At least she can say she’s been honest.
He begins humming something softly, and suddenly she’s so damn tired.
"You'll see her soon, Rory." His hand brushes her hair again. "You'll be with your sister soon."
Danny. The thought is tempting. And yet. "I'd rather be with you."
It’s true, and yet she knows that Ronan has so many things he still has to do. A life he still has to live. She doesn’t want him to leave that all behind this soon. "But don't you dare come joining me anytime soon, okay? Fight like hell. I know you can."
“No promises. But I'll try." His lips brush briefly against her forehead. "I love you, Rory. You'll see me again. I promise."
It’s becoming hard to speak. She forces her lips and tongue to respond. "Love you, too, Ronan." Her eyes drift shut. "Give 'em one hell of a show, okay?"
After a moment she hears Severus’s voice, distant and seemingly disconnected from any kind of reality. “I can sing for you if you want?”
Rory smiles. "That'd be wonderful, Sev."
As his voice picks up a tune, the numbness begins to overtake her. But she isn’t afraid, because she’s with some of the bravest people who have ever lived, and because she’s going to be joining Danny and Sev’s sister, and because she’s done everything she could possibly do. Because it wasn’t her fault that her name was drawn in the square that day. Because the world will go on without Aurora LaChance-Brooker, and that’s exactly the way she wants it to be.
The numbness swallows her.
And then she is everywhere, and everyone, and everything, and gone.
Danny Brooker, as it would turn out, is not in the afterlife.
Rory learns that her sister is out somewhere haunting some poor soul. She briefly wonders if maybe she should make good on her offer to Ronan but then decides against it, choosing instead to return to Three. There’s a broken home there that can’t be mended, a secret exposed, a sobbing teenager grasping test results that seem to proclaim a miracle.
And, most importantly, there’s a little girl in desperate need of a guardian angel.
maybe it's freedom
a chance to keep breathing
maybe we're lonely
a chance to keep breathing
maybe we're lonely
When death enters Rory’s body she feels it, but it doesn’t hurt.
Maybe, she thinks as she crumbles into the dirt, eyes wide and chest gasping, this is why Savior begged for death. Maybe this is why Danny Brooker volunteered to be murdered rather than let herself fade away into nothing. Death isn’t gentle but it’s surprisingly painless, and Rory hopes that was the case for all the tributes who fell before her. She hopes it’s true for the tributes who fall after.
She hopes it was true for Myrcella, and Stanley, and Finley.
A flash of blonde swims into her vision. Severus. Rory immediately tries to school her composure, tries to be completely present and brave for the boy who will always deserve better. As he gets closer she levels her breathing, forcing herself up onto one arm and ignoring the way her body begs to be left where it has fallen. She wants to say goodbye, and she can’t do it on this kind of stage. “Hey, can we get out of here?”
Her district partner stoops down to help her to her feet, and through the roaring in her ears she hears him sniffling. “Yeah, of course.” He pauses and she takes the moment to attempt a full breath, ignoring the way her body shudders in response. “Why don’t we find somewhere we can see the sunset?”
“That sounds wonderful.” She glances down at him as they stagger along. “Don’t worry, Sev. It doesn’t hurt.”
His tears break her numbed heart, but he wipes them away swiftly. “Good... because you don’t deserve any pain. You’re so strong Rory, and if you’re scared remember... that you are allowed to be... and that you aren’t alone.”
Scared? Raven joins them and between the three of them they somehow manage to get Rory on top of her horse. Blood, thick and sticky and dark, begins to rush over its gunmetal flanks. In the beginning, Rory thought she was scared of dying. She loathed the way the thought made her blood run cold and her heart stutter. But now, as she feels the inevitable end wrapping its arms around to claim her, she realizes that she was never afraid of death. She was afraid of losing everyone she cared about and dying without anyone left to hold her hand. But that kind of end, gasping and pathetic and guilty and lonely, is reserved for people like Saturn Rhodon.
She will die, and she will die soon, but she won’t die alone.
“I’m not scared. I thought I was, but I’m not.”
The short ride passes by in a blur. The numbness is spreading through her body and she’s too exhausted to try to fight it off, but she clings to the horse for the sake of her allies. Up ahead she can make out Raven and Severus, but Ronan must have stayed behind. Her eyes flutter closed for a moment, those final moments flashing through her mind. Fighting alongside Ronan Keeni-Einfallen was certainly not a bad way to go.
She’s not sure how much time has passed before the horse stops and Severus helps her back down. His grip on her tightens, pulling her into a hug, and she dips her chin down against the top of his head. “Thank you for being here for me, for being here for her.” His voice trembles slightly. “For being my sister.”
"It's been an honor. I really mean that." Rory can’t hold herself up. His grip loosens and she slides down to the ground, wincing. "But you have to keep going strong without me now, okay?"
Severus lowers himself down next to her and nods. Tears are starting to roll down his cheeks. “I’ve never been good at goodbyes.”
“Hey,” her voice drops down to an almost-whisper, as if the whole world isn’t watching, “don't cry. This is how I wanted it to go. I didn't - I didn't want to die alone."
He wipes quickly at his face before grasping one of her hands. His smile is forced, but she appreciates it anyway. “You won’t. We’re going to be here every step of the way.” He pauses. “I’m proud of you Aurora LaChance. And I’m proud to know you.”
Aurora LaChance. Her eyes drift shut. Ronan promised he would take it to his grave, but suddenly she wonders why he should. What is it, exactly, that she thinks she’s protecting? Herself, against a legacy she never wanted? A family that’s already falling to pieces? A little girl whose fate is already sealed? She thought she was saving them from even more damage, but maybe the pain is necessary. Maybe some wounds aren’t meant to heal.
"I'm proud to know you, too, Severus Ward. But I need - I need you to know something." She sucks in a deep, shuddering breath, opening her eyes to meet his gaze. "I thought I was protecting people by keeping secrets about who I really am, but that wasn't right. Sometimes you need the truth, even if it hurts. The truth is - " She falters, remembers what she said to Ronan. "The truth is that Alex Brooker is my best friend."
I’m sorry, Mom.
"And my sister."
A bastard Brooker. Somewhere, probably alone, Alex is starting to cry again. But what would her knowing have changed? A part of Rory regrets never saying anything, but a larger part acknowledges that she made the decision she thought was right at the time. Alex still wandered into the clinic that day and they still became friends. What does the rest matter?
There’s a pause before his grip on her hand tightens reassuringly. “It’s okay. She’ll be okay... It will be okay.”
Will it? Rory supposes that’s not her problem anymore.
Her gaze drifts over to Raven. "You take care of them, you hear? Have their backs like you had mine."
Raven shakes her head. "I can't take care of people, you know that. I'm not good at that like you are..." Her tone drops, become hushed and laced with something close enough to shame to make Rory’s heart ache. "Clearly I'm not even good at having people's backs." She looks back at Rory. "We're all going to fall apart without you."
I was never the one holding you together. "No you're not." She forces her weak voice to carry a firm tone. "You're going to keep it together and keep fighting. Okay? The world doesn't start and stop with me." Because Rory doesn’t want to think about them falling apart. She doesn’t want to leave them feeling lost and broken like she did the family she never claimed. "And you've done a great job at protecting us. This isn't your fault."
Raven draws in a sharp, steadying breath. "I'll keep fighting. And I'll protect our boys, for you. But I can't promise I can keep my shit together." She laughs a bit. "All I can promise is that I'll wreck havoc to all who laid a finger on you."
I don’t want havoc. But that’s not Rory’s choice anymore. So instead she just smiles. "You do what you have to do. Thanks for carrying me this far."
Raven mirrors her smile. "Any time, Rora. I'm sure we'll see each other again, and I'll carry you there wherever and whenever we meet once more."
Reality is getting very slippery indeed. But suddenly Ronan swims into her vision and Rory is flooded with relief. Relief that he’s alive, relief that he’s with her, relief that she’ll get to say goodbye.
"I-I didn't kill him...."
Rory shakes her head, ignoring the way it makes everything in the world seem to falter. "I don't care about him. I'm just glad you're here."
“I know.” He comes in closer, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. "I-I'm glad you're still here too..."
Barely. Her body shudders once, briefly, before she manages to shoot him a weak smile. "I'm going to miss you, Mr. Not-Doctor. There's no one else like you, you know that?"
It’s true. There’s no one else like Ronan, her confidant, her hero, broken and battered and a bastard just like her. She can almost imagine herself back to the previous night, drunk out of her mind and dancing with him to the sound of Sev’s music.
"I'm going to miss you too, Dr. Last Chance." He hums, and she can tell that the smile he gives her back is forced. "I know."
Rory reaches out and gently grasps his shoulder. "Hey. It's going to be okay." She laughs softly. "At least I got a chance to get wasted and pour my heart out, right?"
"It's not gonna be okay." His response startles her. Doesn't he know that she won’t allow that kind of talk at her deathbed? "It's never going to be okay. You deserve more than this." There’s a beat of silence. "At least we got the chance together."
She would slap him if she wasn’t dying. “No, you deserve more than this." She’s dead serious and desperately hopes he can tell. She will not leave him feeling guilty. "I didn't want to lose any of you, and now I don't have to. So I got exactly what I wanted. Okay? Now you have to go on and keep hunting down dreams without me."
"You got what you wanted." He’s starting to cry, and the tightness in Rory’s chest suddenly has nothing to do with death. "You were my hero. The first person to make me feel like I could do anything again. He's taking everything from me. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to be alone again."
"You have to lose me. We were always going to have to lose each other, one way or another." The truth stings in a way she isn’t ready for, even though she’s the one that speaks it. Rory reaches out and uses her thumb to brush away his tears, smearing blood against his skin in the process. "But you can do anything, with or without me. And I meant what I said. You are a hero."
He smiles sadly. "I know, but losing you is like losing my heart. You'll always be my hero, Rory." Ronan pauses, then reaches out and runs a hand through her hair. She subconsciously leans into the touch, an anchor to the world of the living that she desperately needs. Things are fading fast. "I wish things were different... I wish life gave you a better hand, Rory."
Rory smiles at him teasingly. "Maybe I can haunt you." His small laugh is enough to make the effort of hanging on worth it. But then she grows a little more serious, because Ronan Keeni-Einfallen cannot go around thinking he’s any less mighty just because he’s lost her. "You had a heart before me, and you'll have one after. And I'm happy with my hand. I got to help so many people."
Except. She cringes. Myrcella. Stanley. Finley.
"I just wish... I wish I hadn't killed any."
"You've helped me so much more than you'll ever probably know, Rory." In response to her statement, his expression hardens. “You did what you had to My aunt used to tell me not to regret anything, wastes what good you have. Don't regret what you did. It was either them or you. We knew that coming into this."
We did. But no one dies without regrets, and while Rory knows she can never let hers go, she feels a hell of a lot better having said them out loud. At least she can say she’s been honest.
He begins humming something softly, and suddenly she’s so damn tired.
"You'll see her soon, Rory." His hand brushes her hair again. "You'll be with your sister soon."
Danny. The thought is tempting. And yet. "I'd rather be with you."
It’s true, and yet she knows that Ronan has so many things he still has to do. A life he still has to live. She doesn’t want him to leave that all behind this soon. "But don't you dare come joining me anytime soon, okay? Fight like hell. I know you can."
“No promises. But I'll try." His lips brush briefly against her forehead. "I love you, Rory. You'll see me again. I promise."
It’s becoming hard to speak. She forces her lips and tongue to respond. "Love you, too, Ronan." Her eyes drift shut. "Give 'em one hell of a show, okay?"
After a moment she hears Severus’s voice, distant and seemingly disconnected from any kind of reality. “I can sing for you if you want?”
Rory smiles. "That'd be wonderful, Sev."
As his voice picks up a tune, the numbness begins to overtake her. But she isn’t afraid, because she’s with some of the bravest people who have ever lived, and because she’s going to be joining Danny and Sev’s sister, and because she’s done everything she could possibly do. Because it wasn’t her fault that her name was drawn in the square that day. Because the world will go on without Aurora LaChance-Brooker, and that’s exactly the way she wants it to be.
The numbness swallows her.
And then she is everywhere, and everyone, and everything, and gone.
-
Danny Brooker, as it would turn out, is not in the afterlife.
Rory learns that her sister is out somewhere haunting some poor soul. She briefly wonders if maybe she should make good on her offer to Ronan but then decides against it, choosing instead to return to Three. There’s a broken home there that can’t be mended, a secret exposed, a sobbing teenager grasping test results that seem to proclaim a miracle.
And, most importantly, there’s a little girl in desperate need of a guardian angel.
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lyrics: run, harrison storm
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