darkness that can blind — axel.
Jan 22, 2020 21:14:02 GMT -5
Post by 🌱 kaitlin. on Jan 22, 2020 21:14:02 GMT -5
THERE'S A SHADOW HANGING OVERHEAD
I can feel the life slipping out of me, dripping down the back of my neck, hot and sticky and matting the curls on top of my head. I can feel it where the blinded rebel girl dug her sword into my bicep, the wound I was sure was deep enough to kill me on its own if it didn't take care of it. And I didn't, abandoned it and let it bleed and bleed. I can feel it still, seeping into and all through the left arm of this stupid jumpsuit.
I can even still feel the pain in my muscles; I had thought that maybe the pain from my other wounds would distract me from the pain there, like it was some sort of zero-sum game like the ones my math teachers liked to talk about. I thought that there was only so much pain in the world that I could feel at any given moment, that if I got one wound then it would take away the pain from another, like when I pressed my nail against my fingertip every time I got a shot, or that time I let Blue shove a needle through my ear and put a makeshift earring there. I bring my hand to it now, finger the tiny stone I know he put onto the post. The whole regiment got one, a platoon with matching earrings. Well, they didn't match perfectly, but the sentiment was there.
You would think that with all the bullet holes the Keepers were always putting in us that we would have avoided another hole being put in our bodies at all costs, but alas, here I stand, metal post shoved through my ear.
That didn't hurt as badly as Maeve's sword in my chest though.
"Would you sing me one?" she asks, and in the back of my head I fumble around for our favorite song, search for the words. They're all blurry, and I let my chin fall to my chest. Or it falls of its own accord. I'm honestly not sure what I have control over anymore and what I don't. For a moment, it's like the whole world fades away and the only thing that I can feel is the music echoing through every bone in my body.
I am stumbling, blind and in the dark for half a second.
Half a second is all that it takes.
I think I was already falling, but I definitely am now, Maeve's sword dug into my back. I don't think that she hit my spine, because when I hit my knees I am able to stay upright, and for all that the pain is there, I don't feel it in my entire body.
I stare at the earth under my knees for a moment, grind my teeth against each other, focus in on the one thing that might save me.
"I will sing," I start, my words sing-song and slightly off-tune. "I will siiiiing," I go on, searching for the right tone, closing my eyes. I heave a breath, swallow, shake my head—"No, no, that's not how it starts."
I try and force my eyes open, sit back on my heels and I think my head lulls around a bit but eventually I steady out. I don't know if my eyes actually open or not, think that maybe I don't succeed in that task, but I swear to Tiny's ghost that I'm trying.
"There's a shadow hanging heavy
There's a cold chill in my bones,"
And I remember trekking over the terrain with Tiny, remember the sound of her laughter every time Slim made a joke about somehow he's still not losing any weight.
"It’s a steep road, and I am weary
It’s a long, long way from home"
I remember early morning at dawn with Ma, being woken up because she was convinced that someone horrible was following her. I remember singing her this song, remember her crooning it back to me as I tucked her back into bed. I always let her sleep an extra hour or two while I went about getting ready to go to school, made sure to cook her some breakfast and wake her up to eat it before I set out.
"But I will not shut my eyes
No, I will not fall silent"
I sing from my chest now, push the words out until they surround me. I remember bellowing in the forest, singing so loudly that I was sure an enemy encampment would hear us miles away, not even caring because the song gave me such unfathomable joy.
"Canary in the mine
Oh, I will" And I pause to breathe as deeply as I can,
"honey, I will—
I will sing..."
I swallow, feel myself taper off, and then I look at Not-Tiny—what's her name again? I furrow my eyebrows, look at her as intently as I can. I slip off my heels, my right hand pushing out to hold my body up. I think I'm at a weird angle, like maybe my body is falling apart. I can't even blame it; I'm pretty sure I'm dying. I look up at the sky, think about how I buried Tiny under a cloudless sky just like this one. I dig my fingers into the dirt, remember what it felt like to have to dig the grave with a broken shovel, remember me and Blue both giving up and digging it out with our bare hands.
"Sing with me?" I ask Not-Tiny, look into her eyes. I think. "Just follow along."
"Sing, sing, sing," I echo in the same tone. "Sing, sing, sing," it goes again. I wave my hand to get her to sing with me. "Sing, sing, sing, canary sing."
It repeats.
"Sing, sing, sing, come on
Sing, sing, sing
Sing, sing, sing, canary sing."
Somewhere, and it feels like it's miles away but I'm sure it's not, I can hear the echo of my and Tiny's song in a stranger's mouth, can hear the words reverberating through this place of death and chaos and betrayal and sacrifice, turning the song into something bigger than me, something bigger than the girl showing me kindness in my final moments, something bigger than all of us combined. In the back of my head, I think about turning to look for him, turning to look for this boy I can hear singing along, but I don't think that I can look away from Maeve—yes, fuck, her name is Maeve—think that I need her face to be the final one that I see before I meet whatever is behind the sun.
Maybe this is my final act of rebellion, a way to transcend both those who turned me into a soldier and the Capitol who forced me to be one, to be something bigger than either of them.
To be a song, to bring a melody to our beating hearts.
My singing ends, and with it, I finally find my light.
I can even still feel the pain in my muscles; I had thought that maybe the pain from my other wounds would distract me from the pain there, like it was some sort of zero-sum game like the ones my math teachers liked to talk about. I thought that there was only so much pain in the world that I could feel at any given moment, that if I got one wound then it would take away the pain from another, like when I pressed my nail against my fingertip every time I got a shot, or that time I let Blue shove a needle through my ear and put a makeshift earring there. I bring my hand to it now, finger the tiny stone I know he put onto the post. The whole regiment got one, a platoon with matching earrings. Well, they didn't match perfectly, but the sentiment was there.
You would think that with all the bullet holes the Keepers were always putting in us that we would have avoided another hole being put in our bodies at all costs, but alas, here I stand, metal post shoved through my ear.
That didn't hurt as badly as Maeve's sword in my chest though.
"Would you sing me one?" she asks, and in the back of my head I fumble around for our favorite song, search for the words. They're all blurry, and I let my chin fall to my chest. Or it falls of its own accord. I'm honestly not sure what I have control over anymore and what I don't. For a moment, it's like the whole world fades away and the only thing that I can feel is the music echoing through every bone in my body.
I am stumbling, blind and in the dark for half a second.
Half a second is all that it takes.
I think I was already falling, but I definitely am now, Maeve's sword dug into my back. I don't think that she hit my spine, because when I hit my knees I am able to stay upright, and for all that the pain is there, I don't feel it in my entire body.
I stare at the earth under my knees for a moment, grind my teeth against each other, focus in on the one thing that might save me.
"I will sing," I start, my words sing-song and slightly off-tune. "I will siiiiing," I go on, searching for the right tone, closing my eyes. I heave a breath, swallow, shake my head—"No, no, that's not how it starts."
I try and force my eyes open, sit back on my heels and I think my head lulls around a bit but eventually I steady out. I don't know if my eyes actually open or not, think that maybe I don't succeed in that task, but I swear to Tiny's ghost that I'm trying.
"There's a shadow hanging heavy
There's a cold chill in my bones,"
And I remember trekking over the terrain with Tiny, remember the sound of her laughter every time Slim made a joke about somehow he's still not losing any weight.
"It’s a steep road, and I am weary
It’s a long, long way from home"
I remember early morning at dawn with Ma, being woken up because she was convinced that someone horrible was following her. I remember singing her this song, remember her crooning it back to me as I tucked her back into bed. I always let her sleep an extra hour or two while I went about getting ready to go to school, made sure to cook her some breakfast and wake her up to eat it before I set out.
"But I will not shut my eyes
No, I will not fall silent"
I sing from my chest now, push the words out until they surround me. I remember bellowing in the forest, singing so loudly that I was sure an enemy encampment would hear us miles away, not even caring because the song gave me such unfathomable joy.
"Canary in the mine
Oh, I will" And I pause to breathe as deeply as I can,
"honey, I will—
I will sing..."
I swallow, feel myself taper off, and then I look at Not-Tiny—what's her name again? I furrow my eyebrows, look at her as intently as I can. I slip off my heels, my right hand pushing out to hold my body up. I think I'm at a weird angle, like maybe my body is falling apart. I can't even blame it; I'm pretty sure I'm dying. I look up at the sky, think about how I buried Tiny under a cloudless sky just like this one. I dig my fingers into the dirt, remember what it felt like to have to dig the grave with a broken shovel, remember me and Blue both giving up and digging it out with our bare hands.
"Sing with me?" I ask Not-Tiny, look into her eyes. I think. "Just follow along."
"Sing, sing, sing," I echo in the same tone. "Sing, sing, sing," it goes again. I wave my hand to get her to sing with me. "Sing, sing, sing, canary sing."
It repeats.
"Sing, sing, sing, come on
Sing, sing, sing
Sing, sing, sing, canary sing."
Somewhere, and it feels like it's miles away but I'm sure it's not, I can hear the echo of my and Tiny's song in a stranger's mouth, can hear the words reverberating through this place of death and chaos and betrayal and sacrifice, turning the song into something bigger than me, something bigger than the girl showing me kindness in my final moments, something bigger than all of us combined. In the back of my head, I think about turning to look for him, turning to look for this boy I can hear singing along, but I don't think that I can look away from Maeve—yes, fuck, her name is Maeve—think that I need her face to be the final one that I see before I meet whatever is behind the sun.
Maybe this is my final act of rebellion, a way to transcend both those who turned me into a soldier and the Capitol who forced me to be one, to be something bigger than either of them.
To be a song, to bring a melody to our beating hearts.
My singing ends, and with it, I finally find my light.
THERE'S A COLD CHILL IN MY BONES
