build me back up. charade

[cass]

opal earnest

Night time in the Capitol was completely different than back in district one. The city was alive with a million different lights that twinkled and danced, a trail of ever-increasing unease that led her to the training center in the Capitol. There had been no plan on her behalf to show up in the Capitol this year, or next year, or the year after, but ultimately it was not her choice to make. Once again the Capitol had made that decision for her and their thinly veiled threats had turned into gaping wounds that she would not be able to fix if she didn’t act fast. So here she was. Ten years later. She glanced up, searching for a brief moment for the stars she knew were there, the same stars she’d gazed upon on the rooftop of the Training Centre with Potato. But from all the way down here she could not see them, they were hidden behind the light that polluted her view.

With a heavy sigh, she moved onwards, her stomach tightening with every step that took her closer and closer to the center. Before she knew it she was at the doors, doors that awakened with her presence, sliding open silently to let her through. It looked exactly the same, it always did. It never changed, and there was no comfort in that, the familiarity held nothing but memories that chased her dreams. Nightmares that plagued her mind, memories that stung her heart. She looked around, the emptiness of the building was throbbing against her skin, the stillness of the air making her breath feel like a scream in the quiet.

Her eyes trailed over the elevators that would take her to her room. It trailed over the plant that lined the walls, to the tables and chairs where-

She froze.

And in one single moment, her heartbeat quickened. There was a roaring in her ears, there was a tremble in her hands, a quiver to her breath. No no no no nononono, she wasn’t here, this wasn’t real. Why? Why right now? Why? Why? Why?

Oh Ripred why was it Katelyn Persimmon?

”Kate…” The name felt ancient. Like something she never thought she’d breathe again. ”Katelyn,” she whispered, she breathed the word in, feeling it in her chest, in her heart, feeling the way it made her lip shake, and her eyes tear. The only other person in this entire world she had ever loved.

Why? Why was it her? Why was she here now?

And for a moment she thought about just walking past, she thought about the hundreds of letters she had mailed to her, the thousands of words she had written for her. She thought about the days she had walked to the mailbox waiting for a reply. She thought about the days that had turned to weeks with no response, the ache that had turned to a wound in her heart as she had realised that Katelyn had moved on. It had been a wound she hadn’t been able to treat, she couldn't fix the bleed in her heart with bandages and plants. She had never felt so lonely as she had when Katelyn had stopped responding.

But it seemed that the pain was not yet done with her yet, and her feet moved of their own accord. Each step towards her was unsteady, unnerving as if the woman in front of her was not real. Each step allowed her to see more clearly that golden hair, the fingers she had held when they had danced. More and more clearly that pain in her chest grew until she was standing before her.

”What did I do wrong, Katelyn?” Before she could stop herself there were tears in her eyes, she moved quickly wiping them away with cold, trembling hands.

[charade]

For the longest time, it had felt like they had had complete control over her life. Ever since her name had been plucked out of the bowl. The last fifteen years had had more downs than ups. But ever since Kass had won the games, Katelyn had hope. The weight of the world was no longer on her shoulders. She could think about herself. She’d even gone on dates. None of them had worked out, but it was still an improvement over the years of loneliness. She had time to find herself.

She left the cameras and the tutoring to Kassandra. The young spitfire had won without her help, and Katelyn was confident that in time she would learn and grow as she herself had. Katelyn was old news, and she was grateful to be out of the spotlight at long last. That was not to say that every responsibility was to be shirked. The papers on the table in front of her were the death certificates for the fallen.

Sarina and Alfonso. Her heart wept for Vasco’s family. They had lost so many Izar’s over the years, but to lose two in the same games? She’d need to visit him when she got back. Her friend had enough on his shoulders being the Mayor without having to handle all the funeral arrangements himself.

The door opened and when she looked up she saw a ghost.

Looking back over the years, she had realized that Opal’s feeling for her had gone beyond mere friendship. But Katelyn had been young, constantly in the spotlight for bringing home back to back victors and dumb. She had been so focused on being Katelyn Persimmon for everyone that needed her that she hadn’t seen what was in front of her.

Hadn’t seen that in the midst of all the fakery the Capitol had been subjecting her to, Opal had been real. Had cared for her. Had seen the Katelyn that was there instead of the Katelyn she had been forced to be. But the smile forming on her face slid off so fast when Opal, on the verge of tears, approached and asked a question.

A question that punched Katelyn in the gut.

“I—what? Opal, you’ve never—“

She took a breath and noted that she smelled like strawberries.

Back then, she had always smelled like strawberries.

It all came flooding back. The memories she’d tried to hold onto in that deep, dark hole. Of Velocity and Marc and Lexi. Of Kirito and Harb, of Mace and Opal. Suddenly, she was self-conscious of the scars on her hands. The shock of seeing a ghost faded when she read the look in Opal’s face. The hurt. The tears brimming in the corners of her eyes.

Katelyn looked down at the table. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I should have reached out when they let me go. There was just so much—“

So many bad memories. The detention center. The chair. Losing her identity. Him.

“It was hard enough putting the pieces in eleven— “she began again, feeling her heartbeat quicken. She was at a loss for words. Better to start from the beginning. Opal was so upset and Katelyn felt like it had to be more than just Katelyn never calling.

Did I ever thank you? For being there for me when I had to do that horrid dating show? For listening to my fears. Holding me up. Lending your shoulder, your ear. Helping me home.  Have I ever apologized for being so incredibly stupid about you?

But she left those words unsaid.

“Opal, she said thickly, feeling a lump in her throat. “What am I missing here?”

[cass]

opal earnest

She hadn’t noticed the scars at her first glance, but as the tears welled up in her eyes again she had looked down. Down once more to cover her embarrassment, and it was then that she’d noticed the scars. They covered Katelyn’s hands, they were unlike her own scars which told a story of her garden, these scars were cruel and cold. And Opal had to force herself not to reach forwards; her own immediate pain and hurt were drowned by her sudden concern. No. She wouldn’t, not after everything, she couldn’t be this weak. She was stronger than this, oh but Katelyn Persimmon made her feel so weak. It made her knees shake and she had to fight with herself to remain upright. The pain returned, mingling viscously with the concern, it reared its head and demanded once more to be felt.

It was going to engulf her.

This was too much. The words from that last letter she had sent played in her mind. It had been her most unforgiving letter, the one that had held her guarded secret, hinted at between the lines she had written. It had whispered of her love, of her desire to be with someone, to be with Katelyn. She had foolishly asked to meet Kate, she had planned to tell her in that meeting that she loved her. It had been the last letter she had sent to Katelyn before the silence. Two weeks of deafening silence had followed before Opal built the courage to send another letter. And then every week after she sent another, hoping that maybe if she apologised enough, maybe if she tried harder, was better, Katelyn would just respond. At one point she simply just begged Katelyn to just simply let her know she was okay.


”Opal… what am I missing here?”

What?

Opal’s gaze snapped upwards, meeting Katelyn’s eyes -those beautiful blue brilliant eyes. It was then that Opal noticed how different they looked. How different Katelyn looked. There was something familiar about the look that vaguely stirred something within Opal. ”Katelyn what happened?” She stammered, and beneath the hurt that warped her hurt she was still the same Opal. The same person who now reached out and gently grabbed Katelyn’s hand. She could feel the rough surface of each scar, and incredibly Katelyn’s hand was colder than her own.

”I sent so many letters. Hundreds of them, I begged in those letters, pleaded for you just to tell me you were okay.” She had let go of Katelyn’s hand, taking a step backward. There were so many unanswered questions. It was a chasm, a gaping chasm of uncertainty, that writhed with their pain, that flowed with unanswered questions. ”You just stopped replying, right after I asked-” She stopped herself, biting back the words as she turned her gaze away from Katelyn’s.

”Please…” The word came out broken, thick in her throat, it tasted like the promises she had wanted to make to Katelyn.

I loved you. It throbbed in her chest. I was so incredibly in love with you.

[charade]

It was worrying.

Opal looked like she was going to break down at any given moment. She was a wheat field bending and bowing in a summer storm. There was an energy, a heat coming off of her that made the hair on the back of Katelyn’s neck stand up. Soulful eyes, brimming like the clouds that brought April showers. That bottom lip quivering like a berry about to fall from a bush. Katelyn looked away. This was uncharted waters for her. It was a feeling she hadn’t felt in a long time, unlike any other.

“Katelyn, what happened?”

The reply was on the tip of her tongue when Opal’s hand found hers. It sent her into a panic when Opal’s thumb brushed the scars on joints that had been broken and healed and broken again.

It was electrifying.

The other victor, that career who was not a career (who had too much heart to ever be one) began to talk and Katelyn felt shame burning her cheeks. Because it had to be shame, Katelyn never allowed herself to blush for anything else. Her heart ached to hear that Opal had been so worried. After getting back to eleven, after her ordeal had ended, Katelyn had barely spared her a thought. To think that Opal had wept for her—

Letters. Hundreds?

Likely moldering away in a rubbish bin or ashes in a fireplace. She had never received a piece of mail, not once in those cold and lonely years and she found herself hating her captors all the more.

Please…

It could mean so many things. Katelyn had an inkling that she knew what she wanted it to mean. But therein lay the problem. Katelyn Persimmon had a history of not knowing what she wanted. She had spent so much time on other people that even now, now that she made time for herself, she still didn’t know.

She had carried guilt for so long, and indeed still carried a good deal. Everything she touched got destroyed. While Vasco had impressed upon her that she was not responsible for all the trouble that befell district eleven, it was hard not to see it that way.

Opal acting like this was dredging up old feelings, the feelings that said she didn’t deserve to be happy. Could there be someone for someone like her? Over the years she had hoped so, but she never dared dream that that hope could one day stand in front of her again. She’d thought that chapter over. Opal had never said—

But she’d said it with her eyes, with her smile, the way she’d looked at her when they shared that dance.

Hadn’t she?

Katelyn swallowed, slowly pulling her hands away and forcing herself to look Opal in the eye.

“I—I thought someone might have told you. Word gets around.” While the victor family had grown over the last decade and a half, it was still small. “I was imprisoned by the Capitol for…for a time,” she said quietly. “It—he, they, the detention center,” she tripped over her words, a dozen nightmares fighting for the forefront of her mind.

Deep breaths. That part of her life was over.

“They did things to me, Opal. It's too long a story to get into right now, but...” The Izar certificates were forgotten, as was her coffee. This was not how she expected her night to go. “Opal, if you sent letters," and her voice cracked, her mouth feeling dry. "I never received a single one.”

[cass]

opal earnest

Opal blinked, the words that came out of Katelyn’s mouth were like a slap to the face.

“I was imprisoned by the Capitol for…for a time.”

“What?” The words fell, brushed aside as Katelyn continued to speak. Opal felt weak, her stomach ached, and she didn’t completely understand what was happening right now. She hadn’t been this confused in a very long time. She was being hit over and over again with new information, things she had never heard of. The detention centre. Katelyn had been in the detention centre. But why? And oh Ripred what had they done to her. Suddenly the scars that covered her hands made sense. The way she had tensed at Opal’s touch. The reason why she pulled them away.

And suddenly the familiarity of what she had seen made sense. It was a suffering that moved beyond the pain every victor had lived through. It was the kind of pain that redefined you, it either broke you or you beat it.

She hadn’t known.

She hadn’t known.

She could have known.

She could have stopped it.

What had she done?

What had Katelyn suffered during that time? In that time Opal had spent thinking that she was simply ignoring her letters. That she was simply moving on with her life. That Katelyn had simply decided that she did not love her. That she was done with Opal’s persistence. No, instead Katelyn had been taken, she’d been tortured, her hands. They were but a glimpse of what nightmare she had suffered.

It was too much. Too much. Too much.

I didn’t know.

Loved her? Opal almost breathed the words into the empty space between them. Loved her and left her. Loved her and left her to be tortured and tormented and manipulated. How was that love? “I didn’t-” The words fell short in her mouth. She took a shaky breath, “I didn’t-” The words was stuck in her throat, why couldn’t she push them out? Why hadn’t she tried harder? She could have called. She could have visited. She could have come to the fucking Capitol. But instead, she hid, she hid for ten years.

Opal couldn’t get the words out because she didn’t deserve to say it. She didn’t know. It was a pathetic excuse.

“I should have known.” She should have known.

“I should have tried harder to reach you, Katelyn. I am so sorry.” She’d let her own bitterness and pain get in the way. She’d made the same mistake a second time. How long had Ky suffered from her pain when Potato had died? How long had Katelyn suffered because she hadn’t tried hard enough? The guilt would be enough to make her spiral again if she continued down this path. She couldn’t, she couldn’t lose another six years of her life to this pain. She couldn’t lose another ten years with Katelyn because she hadn’t tried hard enough. Because she’d let her down.

Opal stepped closer, and on her one good leg she knelt down in front of Katelyn. “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there, I should have been there.” She took another shaky breath, “please let me be here now.”

[charade]

She thought back to the Bachelorette, when Capitol pundits were vying for her affection. Opal had been there, after every episode. How could she have been so blind? Of course it had been Opal. Maybe it always had been. Ever since that first meeting during the 71st. They’d shared a fruit salad and bonded over loss. Katelyn’s heart beat rapidly in her chest. Did she want this? Did she deserve this? She’d never dreamed—

Katelyn had thought her story was over. She was ready to fade into the background. But there was an old saying that said the past was prologue.

Was what she’d been missing her whole life, here?

Opal Earnest was a hurricane. Or maybe she was. They’d blown into each other’s lives all those years ago, and then blown back out. The thought that someone had wanted her back then, scars, fuckups and all— the thought that she hadn’t seen it. Katelyn gently helped Opal to her feet and searched for the words to say, trying to read the look in her face.

She was surprised to feel tears stinging the corners of her eyes.

“Opal I—“

Scenes from her life flickered through her head like a camera roll. A crimson snow angel. A pair of sixes. Family. Her cousin. Her brothers in arms. A dance. Bay. A chef. Bakery. Killian. Pain. Vasco and his daughter. Chili. The struggle. The lonely nights. The guilt. The rage. Bitter on her tongue. Crying. The cakes dashed on the ground. The tributes put in the soil. Heartache. Confusion. Shame. Panic. Opal’s smile. There was an ocean roaring in Katelyn’s ears, louder than any sabretoothed tiger, than any screaming peacekeeper.

They’d billed her as the ice queen before Kirito came home. She’d been so withdrawn, so single-minded. Was eighteen really so long ago? Katelyn was a survivor. Always had been. Had needed to be. The walls rarely came down, and when they did it had a tendency to scare her brothers, so up they went.

The only friend of hers that understood the pain she felt was Arbor. The two of them had suffered greatly for doing their best. But whereas Arbor was trapped in a bottle of self-loathing, Katelyn was trapped in front of a mirror that didn’t show her reflection. Katelyn Persimmon and Katelyn were two different people.

Opal had seen the real her, all those years ago. She still saw it.

The dance they’d shared came back to her, her own words came back to haunt her.

I don’t know what I’d do without you, Opal.

“I—“

It was something Katelyn couldn’t express. She could teach someone how to bake the best batch of cookies, help tributes navigate the games politics. She could garden, she could chew someone out in anger. This was something else and it scared her. There were a great many things Katelyn could explain, but one of the things she couldn’t was herself. Every word that came to mind stuck to her tongue, cluttered her mouth.

Katelyn stepped forward, not daring to breathe. Her cheeks were burning. The tips of her fingers tingling. The hand she was holding was so warm. Those eyes in front of her, she could get lost in them. There were so many words she could have said, so many years that had been wasted. It was rare in life to get second chances. Rarer still to pick up where one left off.

“Opal,” she said huskily, her voice feeling like a shadow of itself.  Her eyebrow raised, asking if she was making a mistake, wondering if she was wrong, and that if she was wrong, then she didn’t want to be right. She leaned forward, bending down, a lock of hair coming free from her faded red bandana.

Her lips found another pair, and they were soft like strawberries.

[cass]

opal earnest

She had imagined what this kiss would have felt like for years, she had imagined what she would have done leading up to it. She had dreamed of taking Katelyn on a romantic date, professing her love for her before leaning over to kiss her. This was not what she had intended. She had thought she was done with surprises, but it seemed that life was going to throw in another one. It felt like for a moment that throbbing ache in her chest was washed over by a feeling she hadn’t felt since Potato had held her and kissed her.

But it was so different. She would never love in the same way that she had loved Potato, she would never feel the same way she had felt about him. He had been her everything, she had been a completely different person when she had been with him. She wasn’t that same naive girl who had believed that her love could withstand everything.

The feelings that she thought she’d let go of resurfaced as she found her own hands moving upwards, wrapping around Katelyn’s body as she leaned further into the kiss.

Loved.

Love.

Her last love had been an all-consuming passion that had destroyed her for years after. She had tethered her will, desire, and life to that love and it had left her broken and clutching at happiness that fell through her fingers like sand. This was different. There was something restrained about it, something comfortable, like a gentle caress. Opal knew what kind of person she was as she stepped into this, as she allowed herself to be washed over by Katelyn’s smell, her touch, the feel of her skin against Opal’s.

As the kiss drew to an end Opal pulled backward, an eyebrow raised in question, for a moment ten years hadn’t drifted by. “You kissed me,” she whispered, “you’re a good kisser.” Without thought she reached a hand upwards, gently cupping the side of Katelyn’s face. Her emotions writhed in her chest, an element of confusion, joy, excitement, hurt.

“What made you see it, Katelyn?” She asked. She pulled her hand away, letting it hang limply at her side. The confusion she felt was evident on her face as she looked into Katelyn’s eyes. What had Katelyn seen? Why now? Ten years later was Katelyn finally seeing what Opal had felt for years?

“Why now?

She sighed, moving to the seat beside Katelyn, her leg ached, her heart ached, her mind ached. She sat down, head in hands. “I’m sorry, I’m confused. I-” She drew her hands away, she glanced upwards at Katelyn, brows furrowed trying to find the words. “What did that kiss mean to you, Katelyn?” She finally asked. “Because it meant a hell of a lot to me.”

[charade]

It felt right. It wasn’t like the faux kisses she’d had to give on the gameshow. She could feel the hands on her back and it was intoxicating. She wanted to drink her in, inhale her. It was a closeness she’d never felt with anyone. Never thought she would feel. It was a moment she didn’t want to end. There was a fire in her chest, in her lips. Her heart felt it was going to burst.

Liberating. Cathartic. Free.

Over too soon.

You’re a good kisser.

Katelyn felt a half-formed joke start to come together; it wasn’t like she had had much practice. She had surprised herself with her forwardness.  But before she could respond, the next words hit her like a sledgehammer.

Why now?

“It—“ Katelyn rubbed the back of her neck and looked away.

You were crying. I couldn’t stand to see you cry.

Because it’s never now. It’s always then, or too late.

What did it mean? Katelyn didn’t know for certain, but she didn’t want Opal to be the confused one, she already was. How could she condense the past into something that made sense? How to tell her that she’d thought about her from time to time. That she was the one that got away? How to explain that she hadn’t the faintest idea of what love meant?

What romance was supposed to be? How did she explain the loneliness, the way that Opal had made her feel like things were going to be okay? Katelyn wanted to cry. This was something she had no experience in. She had hoped that the kiss would explain things, show how she felt, but it seemed that actions did not always speak louder.

What was she supposed to say? She was a grown woman for ripred’s sake, there had to be something! She felt twenty-one again. Katelyn fidgeted, her left knee bouncing up and down. She bit her lip, something she hadn’t done much of since her stint in the Detention Center, and closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, she focused on Opal’s forehead, unable to meet her gaze.

“I was young, then. I spent a good five years in a spotlight I never wanted. I’ve only recently begun to heal from my past and I—“

Her voice caught in her throat. She recalled cleaning up Potato’s grave and sending the photos to Opal. Congratulating her when Justice came home, even as that night she wept over Weaver Rhodes. The kiss Opal had left on her cheek as a goodnight. Why hadn’t she seen? Why hadn’t she known? Perhaps she had, but hadn’t believed it could be real.

“I have a lot of regrets. I don’t want missing out on you to be one of them.”

Not anymore.

[cass]

opal earnest

Katelyn seemed as confused as she was for a moment, as she sat down. Her anxiety was getting the best of her, and Opal watched as her knee started to bounce, and she moved her hand to the back of her neck. She’d seen her do that before, and she couldn’t help the small smile that formed on her lips. She’d missed this, and it was at that moment she realised that the piece that had been missing in her heart was slowly filling. She could see it, like a stream trickling into a lake, slowly, slowly, ever so slowly filling. She hadn’t felt this full, this complete since he had died. She had become all too familiar with loneliness's cold touch.

“I have a lot of regrets. I don’t want missing out on you to be one of them.”

Oh.

This feeling. The warmness that crept into her belly and flowed through to the tips of her fingers. The warmth spread through her, lighting up her being and suddenly the coldness that had filled her was dispersing. Ten years ago she had told herself that Potato would be the first person she ever loved and that Katelyn would be the last. She would be the last person that Opal would ever risk her heart for, ever give her heart to.

Opal looked at Katelyn, forcing the younger victor to meet her gaze. She spoke, “I told myself a long time ago that you would be the last person I would ever love.” She said words she thought she would never have the chance to say to Katelyn. Words that she never believed would be heard after she buried them deep within her ten years ago. “I promised myself that for my own sake, for Ky’s, for yours, that I would let it be.”

And here they were.

“And here we are.” Opal reached forwards, grabbing Katelyn’s hand, entwining her fingers together with hers. "I want to live out that promise to myself,” she said, moving closer and leaning over to once more press her lips against Katelyn’s, a quick kiss, before pulling back. It seemed that she hadn't quite forgotten how to love this woman. It seemed that she hadn't even tried hard enough to not love her. It was all right there, whispering to her.

She could almost picture him there, see him standing behind her, telling her it was okay. She could see those bright, kind eyes, see him face light up with the warmth of his smile. And she watched him nod his head. It was okay.

“I love you,” Opal said.

She kissed her again. She kissed her with the passion that had enthralled her all those years ago, that had begged to be heard in their late-night walks, in the thousands of words she had sent. She would let herself hold onto this and she would let this be the last time she loved. It was all that her heart wanted.

[charade]

Love?

She’d carried a torch for this long? The quick peck on her lips was barely noticed, lost in the sea of confusion rising around her. Love? The passionate kiss caught her off-guard; threatened to overwhelm her, her knees felt weak and her ears were so crimson they could have burst into flames. When the kiss ended, there were tears streaming freely down her face.

“Why me?” she choked out. “How can you say that?” Her tongue felt swollen in her mouth. “Bad things happen to the people I care about. I—I’ve made so many mistakes. I...do you know how long it took me to find—to find me?” Conflicting emotions struggled for control. Her mind raced through every fear, every doubt she’d ever held onto. The faces in her past mocking her, whittling away at her, piece by piece. 

There were so many times in her life that she’d gotten knocked down. Gotten back up. Because she couldn’t stay down, not when the bell hadn’t rung. But it had been tiring, so tiring. Being strong for other people. Being too afraid to let anyone in. Unable to connect with anyone past the surface. She’d been in survival mode ever since her bloodbath and the tension had colored every decision in life she’d made. 

But surviving life wasn’t living it.

Katelyn put her face in her hands and tried to wipe some of the tears away. She was a different person than she had been a decade ago, but she was also still very much the same. “My God, Opal. I’d given up hope on anything in my life changing. I’d made my peace with the status quo. But you—you walk in here and—and”

It was then that Katelyn realized that love is difficult to understand when a person did not love themselves.

“It’s like I’ve been sleepwalking all this time, and—and now I’ve woken up, and I don’t know how—and I can’t— “she shuddered, her chest heaving as a tidal wave of emotion poured out of her.The emotions she had always kept under lock and key, behind a wall; because people preyed on those. Used them against a person.

Katelyn stifled a sob and looked at the other victor through tear-stained eyes. There was an ache in her chest as she thought about how they could have had this so much sooner.

She cupped Opal’s face in her hands and kissed her back with a fierceness, with a vigor, desperate to match the passion she’d just been given. “Opal, I” she gasped when they broke for air, “I just—and she buried her face in the shorter victor’s neck and cried.

[cass]

opal earnest

She was crying. Opal had never seen Katelyn cry like this. Not after she had lost tribute after tribute and she’d comforted her. Not after she had spent day after day being paraded around the Capitol like a prize to be won. She’d never seen her tears flow so freely, and it felt like Opal was seeing the truest parts of Katelyn she had ever seen. It was more than just a glimpse here and there into her life, a life which she held so tightly to her chest. This was the real, raw Katelyn.

“Why me?” Katelyn choked the words out, “how can you say that?” Opal’s eyes widened ever so slightly, the flush on her cheeks brightening as she took in the weeping victor. There was so much pain there. Opal almost wanted to laugh at the next words that fell out of Katelyn’s mouth. Bad things happened to people she loved. They were two peas in a pod it seemed. Opal had tried to stop keeping count of the bad things that had happened to the people she cared for. The one brother she had ever loved had been murdered in the games, the year after the man she had fallen in love with had been murdered in the games. She had spent six years abandoning her one child, her only connection to her dead husband. How had he suffered? She had gone on to fall in love with a woman who she now finds out was tortured for -how long? Years?

Suffering? Pain? She knew that story oh so well. But she had learnt from every misstep, from every loss that there was so much value in giving out another piece of your heart. You give and give. That fear was all consuming and she was sure as hell not going to let it stop her once more. She knew she was strong enough to survive another loss, more pain derived from love. Opal also knew that if she didn't keep loving it would destroy her far more quickly.

“Loving, being able to love it’s the one thing that reminds me that I’m still alive. Loving the people you care about, whether that be Ky, Potato, Mace, or you… it-it’s living.” It would always be worth it, to die knowing she had loved, loved so fiercely and strongly would be enough.

Katelyn moved back in, this time cupping Opal’s face in her own hands, and Opal let herself be taken, swallowed by the taste of her and the taste of tears as she kissed her. “Opal, I-” She gasped, “I just-” and Opal held Katelyn, as she buried her head into her neck and cried. She ran a hand over Katelyn’s back, gently, soothingly, hoping that she might ease the storm of emotions that raged in her.

“It’s okay, Katelyn,” she said. She knew from experience that it was better, sometimes, just to let it all out. It was the best way to move forwards. She couldn’t help the small smile that flickered onto her lips for the briefest moment, “we’ve got all the time in the world.”

They were going to be okay.

[charade]

Katelyn took a deep breath, steadying herself, collecting her thoughts with a sniffle as she straightened up.“Sorry, sorry, I don’t— I don’t usually fall apart like that,” she said, wiping her eyes with a hand. “The last few years have been rough, and this, you—” Opal’s words echoed in her head, love reminds a person that they are still alive. She smiled sadly. She’d gotten so used to pain being the metric she measured by. Would everything be okay? She dared not let her hopes rise too high. Did they have time?

God, she hoped so.

Too much of it had been wasted already.

The pressure of the hand on her back was comforting, and she reciprocated by running her fingers through Opal’s hair, maintaining eye contact like she was last person in Panem. The few people she’d been attracted to over the years shared one thing in common, that she had felt connected to them emotionally, but with Opal, with Opal it felt like it was something more. Her stomach flipped and there was a blaze brewing in her chest as her hands slipped down to Opal’s waist. She hugged her tight, suddenly, and lifted Opal off her feet, spinning her in a circle as a joyous laugh erupted from her throat.

She hadn’t laughed in years; in fact, she couldn’t even remember the last time she had.

This was real. It was actually happening to her. She just couldn’t keep up with the roller coaster of emotions. She felt free. Ten years younger. The Capitol could go to hell and in that moment, she felt like she could send them there herself. She was on top of the world for once, instead of feeling like the weight of it was on her shoulders. Opal, Opal saw her, said she loved her. Not as a friend or a sister, not as a mentor or a victor. Not as a symbol or an icon. No one had ever made her feel like that. She felt like she could fly.

“Do you want to get out of here?” she asked shyly. “There’s got to be a diner or something still open at this hour.” In district eleven, everyone learned at an early age to bond over mealtime. The Izars knew all about that. "Or—or we could just go for a walk, just like old times.” Katelyn’s eyes were shining, she could feel that they were, she just wasn’t sure what they were shining with. Hope? Joy? Love?

She supposed she had time to figure that out.

[cass]

opal earnest

Suddenly she was in the air, Katelyn’s arms wrapped so tightly around her waist. They were spinning. Katelyn was laughing. Ripred she couldn’t remember the last time she’d heard a laugh so filled with joy and happiness. It had probably been back here, on the roof of the training centre where she had married Potato. It had been a long time. She couldn’t stop herself as Katelyn’s infectious laugh filled her. Within moments Opal was laughing with her, the sound filling the cold, empty air of the training centre. It was musical, melodic and Opal hoped that she would get to hear a hundred, thousand- an endless amount of times more as the years went by.

Time. They had so much time to make up for, so many stories they didn’t know about one another. Opal’s life over the past decade could be wrapped up quite simply: Ky. There wasn’t much more to say. He had tried to get her to move on, nudging her when men on the street flirted with her. Telling her once they were out of earshot that it had been so obvious and why didn’t she just go back and talk to them. She’d always brushed him off, pushed the notion aside, she hadn’t wanted it. It had been as simple as that. All she had needed was Ky, she’d told herself. He was the last thing she had left. She had to protect him, be there for him, she had no time for love.

That's what she had let herself believe for the past decade. She had to, for herself, and for him, and she couldn't do it any longer. She wanted this. She wanted this desperately. Katelyn’s eyes shone, they twinkled, they stared past everything Opal had been trying to tell herself she didn’t want. She loved those eyes, they were so different from anything she had loved before. It was all so different, she was so much older now. They were both so different, and yet within minutes of meeting each other again, it had felt like days had only passed.

“Yes, yes let’s go out, right now. We have so much to talk about, it’s been so long.” Opal grabbed Katelyn’s hands, the coffee and paper she had been working on were now long forgotten. Whatever Opal had planned on doing was now long forgotten. It could wait, it could all wait, for just this one night. “Let’s go.”

She entwined her fingers with Katelyn’s and together the two of them walked into the night. The stars, she thought, seemed just a little bit brighter.

[end of thread]