when we were young; Katelyn + Harbinger

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It had always been different with Harbinger. Kirito and her had understood each other from the beginning. Whereas Kiri had voiced his desire to heal instead of harm, Harbinger had gone into the games demanding they sacrifice him for his district partner. She’d refused. She’d known even then that he had a heart of gold, even if he was being a blockhead about it. Instead of clutching her hand in thanks when she came to visit him in the hospital, he’d screamed bloody murder at her and Kirito for not doing more for his district partner.

She’d told him to cut the self-sacrificing bullshit.

If you really wanted her to live you would have stayed by her and watched her back. 

Harb had acted like he had a deathwish, but she had doubted that from the first day. People with deathwish’s didn’t fight back. They didn’t kill their allies. No, what she had thought then was that he’d been afraid. Afraid of what he might do, what he might become, because he wanted to live, but he was terrified of the path he’d have to take to get there. He’d raged about everything, and she’d had an answer at every turn.

I want y’all to have the support I never did. I had to figure this all out by myself and I’m not about to let either of you carry the burden alone.

But she had. Goddammit, she had.

Tough shit, you’re not getting rid of us that easy. Remember who you lost along the way, but let their memory be a strength instead of your weight.

And he’d tried, in his own way. But the Capitol wouldn’t let any of them be. They’d taken Kirito’s cousin for her hubris and Iain had died. Harbinger had blamed himself. His survival. Katelyn had blamed herself for trying so hard to beat them at their own game. She’d known that the lower districts weren’t meant to win.

Arbor Halt had warned her and she hadn’t listened.

Look at District Twelve, that’s our fate, all because of me.

We take care of our own, and we honor them., she’d said in reply.

When had she lost her way? Lost her passion, lost her fire? Her years in prison, in the Capitol had drained her, broken her spirit, and all but doused the flame in her heart. It had smoldered a little after she felt a kinship with Nico Thorne, fluttered when Maya Fel had begged her to bring Jacob home and for the first time since her captivity, for the first time since she’d failed Drake Harvest and Desimae Warble, she’d actually found it in herself to fucking try again, and it had worked. She’d gotten sponsorships for those idiotic jet packs, worked her ass off to get them home, and then that fucking bitch Cricket Antoinette and her cronies had forced her two tributes into a fight.

Jacob Fel had come home in a box.

But Kass had come home alive. The first victor in a decade.

Such an upset could not go unpunished.

They’d taken Asari from the Rhodes the following year, and strongly suggested that it was in everyone’s best interest for Katelyn to stay home and let Kass and the boys mentor instead. So she’d stayed in the district, and watched Milo and Asari die one after the other. It had been painful. The following year proved that the Capitol was still aggravated about Kass, even though they’d gotten a career from one. They’d vented their displeasure on the Mayor, and though she’d tried, there would be two more Izar funerals. She’d been ready to fade away at that point, become just another fixture, another cog in the machine, always there but never seen.

And then Opal had awakened something in her she thought had gone to sleep forever. Brought the color back in a world that was dreary and grey. There were still surprises in life, and sometimes, sometimes they were good. That spark of hope for a better tomorrow was growing back into a roaring blaze. Her heart ached to see the other victor again, but she couldn’t; not until this latest challenge was over with.

And so, she’d found herself on Harbinger’s doorstep only a day after her meeting with Kirito.

What should she say? What could she say?

Like Kirito, he'd grown. And she hadn't been there for a good six years or so. She'd been there for him when they'd lost Weaver, but she hadn't been there to stop Tamron from volunteering, and that hurt her deeply, even now, because she could've made a difference. But Harb had Navya. He had his kids. He too had made a life for himself while her own had been on pause. She was happy for him, that he could still find something good to hold onto, even with a maelstrom surrounding him.

She’d brought him a whole pineapple upside-down cake. He’d thankfully, if grudgingly let her in, and she could see the emotions waging war on his face. He’d never been good at hiding them. If she was a blade, and Kirito a scalpel, Harbinger was a hammer. “Before you say anything, I just want to say that I know I’ve been distant lately. And I can’t promise I won’t be again. Life is strange sometimes.” She set the cake down on an end table. “ But, you’re my brother, and even if life gets in the way sometimes, nothing’s going to change that.“ Katelyn looked down, not wanting to meet his gaze, and then back up wishfully. “I hope?”

There was something else off, but she couldn’t tell what it was. It was almost like he’d been expecting someone to knock, not her, but someone. “It’s quiet, she remarked, looking in the direction of the kitchen.

“Are Navya and the kids out?”

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[Cato]

Harbinger Rhodes

The eerie silence being alone in my home is overwhelming. This lockdown happens shortly after I sent my family away. It’s like President Snow knows my every move before I make them. Lack of sleep is getting to me imagining the hardship my family is going through in the woods. If they're still in district eleven, I'd have heard something by now surely? Every day, I want to break the curfew and search for them. Still I’m not sure why all of these things happened, and many questions run through my mind. Why are only a few districts on lockdown? It just doesn’t make sense to me, but nonetheless, I will sit at home in attempts to keep myself and my family safe.

There's a knock on my door and hope swells. It might be them. When I open the door, disappointment and anger are the words i describe seeing Katelyn in front of my door. I want to slam the door shut, but she's made a cake. With a sigh, I grudgingly let her in. Hearing what she has to say makes my blood boil. She claims we're like family, but she wasn’t there when Asari died. Not to mention the nerve of going back to the capitol like nothing happened. Before I say something stupid, I cross my arms and turn my back to her, fists clenched. She asks about Navya and I hesitate to tell her where I sent my family. I want to trust her so much. I turn back to face her wondering if I should allow my eyes to meet hers. “You could say that.”

I try keeping on a smile on my face while motioning for her to sit the cake down on the table. It doesn’t hurt to talk to someone. It doesn’t hurt to see how they’re doing, but letting her back in after all the pain she’s caused me isn’t something I want. A protective barrier has been placed around me, and maybe I’ll decide to let her in when the time is right, but for now I’ll remain distant although I can’t just leave her hanging. Maybe a conversation is the right thing for now. Maybe allowing her the chance to explain herself. Life does get in the way, but it hasn’t stopped me from living my own protecting my family to the best of my ability. I wish I knew what to say to her because right now nothing makes sense in my mind. To rid the silence, I find something to say even though it’s meaningless; "What kind of cake did you make?"

Quietly pulling out a chair at the table, I sit down, and for the first time I fully take her in. Her complete demeanor has changed, and there’s this new energy about her, she seems more determined, and more enthusiastic, and I want to know more, but at the same time I keep telling myself that I don’t care. Why should I? She left when I needed her the most, and she’s been gone for years, and now she shows up when the district is on lockdown? When all these peacekeepers are patrolling the streets making sure nobody breaks the rules? "What has changed? You seem in different spirits. Like things have changed."

It’s been so long I don’t think she even realizes Vera is eligible for the reaping this coming games. I wonder if she knows how old the triplets are. How old the youngest is. I’m not even sure where they are or if they’ve made it out of the district, and it worries me. Sometimes being afraid is one thing, but maybe just opening up a bit more will allow Katelyn to open up to me too. I still don’t entirely know where Navya is, but I have lots of faith that she’s doing what she needs to do in order to make sure that she keeps herself and our children safe.

District Eleven

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He was curt. But that was to be expected that. She deserved that. “It’s pineapple upside-down.” If he wanted some, he gave no indication, forging ahead and asking about what was new with her. Was it that obvious? Vasco had said there was a spring in her step that he hadn’t seen before. Apparently, Harbinger saw it too. Did having something to look forward to make her glow that much? “I guess you could say that. I met someone; well, found someone.” She paused, turning that over in her head.

“Well, I suppose they found me.” That was another whole discussion in of itself, and not one she wanted to get into at the moment. It’d be several months before she could do anything about it. There was still so much she didn’t know and if she thought about it too much she started to worry that those moments were all it was going to be. Whatever it was. One day, she’d be able to show him, show all of them, and she tried not to get carried away with the fantasies of what could be.

“I didn’t come here to talk about myself, I came because I missed you. We used to be so much closer.” There was something weighing heavy on his mind. The way he looked reminded her of when they’d lost Weaver. It wasn’t quite the anger he’d had when she’d come home from the Capitol after the 81st, but there was a sadness there, an anxiety that she knew well, because she’d seen the same look in the mirror on so many occasions.

Given enough time and effort she could pry it out of him. But she didn’t come to argue, she came to heal. “Harb,” she said, finding her tongue. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for Asari. They wouldn’t let me. I think they were worried that Kass might herald a repeat of we did, so they—“

Ms.Persimmon, shouldn’t you take a vacation? You must be so worn out after helping another tribute come home. Rest.

“I didn’t stay home because I wanted to, believe me.” She bit her lip and forced herself to hold his gaze. The Rhodes and the Izars were the families that had been hurt the most over the years. There was a limit to how much she could do for them; she was only one woman. Damn, if she wasn’t going to try though. It was foolish to hope that their families wouldn’t be hurt again, especially with Harb and Navya’s eldest reaching reaping age, but it had to end one day, right? One day, there would be a day without tears.

“But I’m here now. Talk to me Harb, I came to patch things up and you look like hell. Have you been sleeping?”

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[Cato]

Harbinger Rhodes

My gaze shifts back and forth between the cake and Katelyn over and over before I finally cut a small slice for myself, but I can’t bring myself to eat it, yet I manage to take a small bite just enough to taste it. Too many butterflies are dancing around in my stomach and it’s making me sick. "The cake is good." I offer a slight smile before offering her a piece; "have a slice. It’s good." I don’t know if it matters though because I’m trying to blink away the fear and everything else as I listen to what she’s saying. Part of me wants to believe her. That she didn’t have a choice, but we all have choices. We’re grown adults, and I haven’t been given a chance not to go to the Capitol when the tributes are shipped away. So how can she say that? I am happy for her though. At least I’ll try being happy for her because she’s found someone, and that helped me out a lot. Just knowing that Navya was waiting for me. It kept me going even when I wanted to give up.

The only thing right now is she wants me to talk about myself, and I don’t want to. I don’t know what I can and can’t tell her because that trust isn’t there anymore. She hasn’t been there for me, yet she claims her intentions have never changed. She wants to know what’s wrong with me. She wants to know everything that’s going on, and I want to let her in, but part of me doesn’t want to. She doesn’t deserve it right now, and I keep listening to her go on and on, and all I do is shrug my shoulders. It’s too much to take in, and I don’t think she realizes she’s throwing everything at me without thinking twice. It’s hard to take it all in when my mind is already riddled with exhaustion, but it’s like she knows something’s wrong, and she’s asked me if I’ve been sleeping. I guess it’s obvious that I haven’t. Probably because of the bags under my eyes, and how it’s hard to even keep my head up at times.

"It's Vera. She's twelve now and - My words fall short as my eyes drop towards the ground. The fear I have for her being reaped is stressing me out to the brink of insanity. I know that she’s safe with Navya right now, but I don’t even know where they are or if they’re even still in the district. I told them to run right after I made the call to President Snow, and I don’t even know if his assistant gave him the note. I want to tell Katelyn more of it like I would’ve before all of this happened, but the trust just isn’t there, and I think she’ll tell me I’m dumb and foolish, and it’s not something I need right now. "It’s hard to think straight. They’ve taken so much away from me, and I’m terrified they’ll take her too." It’s the truth, and it’s all I can offer right now.

I push the cake away. It’s not appetizing right now. Telling her more is always an option, but who knows what she’ll do with it. She says we’re family, and I want to trust her, yet she’s left me broken with no point of return. She’s left me behind so many times, and while Kirito may have quickly let her back in, I’m not him. Being hurt so many times does this to a man. It breaks me over and over, but all I can do is take what’s in front of me. Face value is all I have, and if she wants to make this work out, I need her to reciprocate the feelings and share somethings about herself because this isn’t about me. Conversations go both ways, and if all she wants is information on my life, I’ll push her away. I’ve made it this long without her, and have told myself I don’t need her. Doesn’t matter if the shards are broken forever if she doesn’t help mend them too. "The reason I look and feel like hell is....." I'll know if she truly considers me like family once she hears about my offer. "I offered to go into the arena in exchange for my children being exempt from the reaping. Snow wants Eleven to submit? What better way to kill one of us."

District Eleven

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Maybe he was only talking because she was the only one there, because he didn't look like he wanted to. But of course he couldn’t sleep. Stupid Katelyn. Vera’s name was in the bowl now. Only once, they didn’t need to purchase tesserae for food, but how could any parent not be a mess? Especially a Victor. They’d all felt horror clutch at their chests for Eden Turner and Cedar Halt. Lord only knew how Opal was dealing with Ky’s name being in so many times. He went on to explain that he’d to cut a deal with the Capitol. His life to keep his children out of the reaping.

What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.

They’d never go for that, would they? Age limits and everything. The whole point of being a victor was that you were exempt from all future reapings. Katelyn wanted to scream. What could have possessed him to do something like this? Where was his family? Had they been taken? Were they hiding? Katelyn’s heart leapt up into her mouth. Harbinger was torturing himself for nothing. If he wanted to be a sacrifice, he should have laid down in his arena and let the others kill him in the bloodbath.

Is this what it’s come to? She didn’t want to feel this again. His pain brought her back a few years, to another man that was tormented by the demons behind his eyes. There had been a time when she’d felt a connection to Arbor Halt. Though he was thirteen years her senior, there had been so much of each other’s pain they’d understood. He was attractive, in a way. She’d entertained the thought of something sparking between them, but there hadn’t been any moment that had lit the match, and after Cedar…

Well, after that tragedy she’d realized she’d break herself trying to put Arbor back together. What that man needed was something she didn’t think she could give without losing herself. Harbinger was starting to look the same way. There was only so much help you could give someone who didn’t want it, but she was desperately hoping that there was enough between herself, Navya and Kirito to really give Harbinger the support structure he needed. The kind of help most of the victors never got.

While she had never felt a romantic inclination towards Harb, he was more than just a friend.

He was a brother.

Katelyn steadied herself, fuming, an angry scowl and a sob fighting for control of her face. A hundred different exclamations danced for purchase on the tip of her tongue. She wanted to tell him to cut the bullshit, ask him why Navya and the kids weren’t there, slap him upside the head. She wanted to cry. Grab his shoulders and shake him until that fool nonsense fell out of the fucking block he had for a head. She’d been so caught up in working through her trauma over the years that she hadn’t really thought about how worn Harbinger must be. With all the family he’d lost, he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, perhaps moreso than Kirito and herself.

As senior victor she’d always feel responsible for everything bad that happened to Eleven, but maybe Harb had never stopped blaming himself either. He was the straw that broke the Capitol’s back in the seventies, and even today, eleven could feel the ramifications. His final opponent had been from district seven too, just like hers. Katelyn felt like an idiot for not talking with him more in those years before her jail time. She’d just assumed that like Kirito, he’d found a way past it. He clearly hadn’t. The fury in her chest gave way to sympathy.

“Harb,” she said tearily. “I’m sorry. I'm so, so sorry.” And she wrapped her arms around him in a warm hug, hoping that this time, actions could speak louder than words. “Let me—I don’t know how to help, you Harb. But I want to. I know we’re not the kids we used to be. You’ve got a family. You’ve stayed grounded. I’ve been tossed around like a leaf on the wind. I’m only now learning what I want, what I need,” it just started bubbling out of her.

“I’m only now learning how to live for myself, learning what—what love is,” and she desperately hoped she was right about that last one, because she didn’t know what was between her and Opal, but she knew what she wanted to be. “Harb, it may have always looked like I had my shit together but I was broken for so many years; I just had to be strong, put on a brave face for everyone. I brought a hope to the district that we hadn’t had in decades and—there was just so much riding on me. I’ve been surviving ever since I left my arena and now, only now at thirty-two have I figured out how to live.” She sniffed, hugging him tight.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone again. I want to help. Where are they Harb? It’s too quiet in your house.”

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[Cato]

Harbinger Rhodes

I shouldn’t have said anything. Nothing at all because now it’s mostly out in the open, and all that’s running through my head is who all has heard? Ears are listening at every turn, and if that’s what gets my family hurt, I’ll never live it down. But soon that all changes because fear is running through my veins as her expression changes so much, and it makes life hard and all I want to do now is find a way to change the subject, and figure out where to go from here. Even that seems impossible though because once something is said, there’s no taking it back.

"Miscommunication kills doesn't it? I always thought you appeared well mentally. Like nothing could get to you. Fierce, strong, giving people hope and strength. I always felt like the pariah of eleven. The one who should not have come back. I heard the whispers about me killing Chloe. Something I still regret. I still have her koala carving." A slight smile spreads across my face. In reality, I am happy for her. Knowing that she’s doing well, that’s she’s figuring things out. Knowing that she finally has something she’s looking forward to, and every word I say are words I mean. "I'm happy you've found someone. Whoever they might be, they've given you that spring in your step back. It's heartwarming to see."

However, no matter how happy I am for her, I still feel like running away, and it’s hard to know if I’ve done the right thing. Surely she won’t hurt me in anyway, but all I want to do is run away. It’s better than facing what’s going on. It’s better than staying put while my family is out there somewhere. What’s done is done, and I can’t change it, but I understand why Katelyn would question my antics. All I’m doing is trying to help my family, but maybe I’ve made things worse. "I know what it must look like. Offering to go back into the arena is idiotic. I could walk up to a peacekeeper and ask them to get it over with. What I offered is something I thought Snow and the capitol would enjoy. A victor in the arena again."

This is it. My decision to let her know about navya or not will determine if we'll patch things up however successful it turns out. I've always been a hot head with a massive temper. Quick to anger and slow to forgive. "I sent them away. Told Navya to take everyone and run. Where that may be is unknown to me. I assume she's left eleven. It did not feel right waiting for the reaping and seeing Vera enter a quell. I took action." I pause for a second taking a deep breath wondering when I should stop talking. "Problem is, this lockdown happened shortly after they left. It's like Snow knows what I did. The timing of the curfew restrictions and peacekeeper additions is way too suspicious. I fear I've sent them into hell. What kind of father and husband am I?"

I let her know. My gaze is at the window fully expecting some peacekeepers to show up. No doubt Snow knows in some fashion what I did. Failure is all I feel right now. With my hands in my hair, I lower my head in shame. I made a rash decision which is biting me in the butt hard. I can only hope my family is safe, and that I somehow get a chance to see them again.

District Eleven

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It didn’t matter what he said, his body just didn’t know when to quit. He just didn’t know how. He’d lost an ear and half a leg, been forced to kill the friend he’d made, and outlasted three other people in the finale, two of which had been careers. He was a fighter, always had been. It was Katelyn’s personal belief that the one thing that all victors shared in common was the will to survive. There were no flukes.

He told her that he’d always felt like the district’s pariah; how could he not when their streak of victors had ended with him? He said that she’d always seemed like nothing could get to her, that she was fierce and strong and gave people hope. Strength. It was no secret that she’d been the district’s golden child for a while. But it would take a long, long time to explain the amount of pressure she’d been under. The pressure to perform. To do the impossible again. And again. She’d wanted nothing more than to be left alone, to have her own life, but she just kept getting dragged into the spotlight.

Until she’d been caught with potential connections to the underground. It was then that she learned that sometimes the spotlight was preferable to backstage. But he wasn’t wrong. How many times had Vasco praised her for exactly the same? She knew that there were people that looked up to her, and not just children either. Whether she liked it or not, she was a symbol. Her arena had been frozen. Frost, ice, snow, whatever you wanted to call it, it was one of the enemies of the district. If it got too cold, or if there was an early frost, they’d lose entire fields worth of harvests.

She’d read an article or two back then that expressed surprised that a girl from always sunny district eleven had beaten such an unforgiving arena. It was more symbolic than they knew. Was she fierce? Strong? She supposed she was. But that didn’t mean she didn’t have her moments of weakness. Her fears. She’d been strong because to show weakness was a death sentence. Because you never really left the arena behind. Harb still had Chloe’s token. She still wore her bandana token every day. It was faded to a dull pink where once it had been bright red, but it was a part of her, as much as part of her as the memories of the tributes that had fought and died beside her.

Because of her.

Katelyn broke the hug and listened as Harbinger put himself down, saying that he knew he looked idiotic, but he’d tried to appeal to the President’s sense of drama and cruelty. It broke her heart to hear that he’d sent his family away. He needed them. To think that Navya and the kids could be huddled around a campfire and starving, or worse locked away somewhere for daring to breach the fences. But they couldn’t still be mad about Kass, could they? They’d already taken Asari and punished the Mayor’s family as well. Would they seek further retribution against the district? Against them?

“Harb,” she said after a moment. “As much as they enjoy keeping our district under their thumb, I don’t think they would have put us on lockdown just for you. I think something happened, something big and bad.” Rumors abounded already, but she had a feeling she’d learn more when she attended the emergency meeting that Vasco had asked her to come to.

“And you? You’re one of the finest men I know, and there’s only three I consider to be that.” What kind of father was he? Husband? “You’re brave Harb. Braver than me. You’ve built something here. All I have to show for the last decade is more scars. You did what you thought was best, to protect them.” There would be no judgement here. Not from her.

She bit her lip. This was uncharted territory for her. She hadn’t been there to watch his kids grow up. She’d met them more than a few times over the last few years, but she didn’t know much about them. It would have felt fake to tell him that she’d defend his children, that if anyone laid a hand on Vera, she wouldn’t hold him back but would help him take them down. Would he believe that? She chose to focus on him instead.

“If you needed me to storm the gates of hell itself, I’d have your back. I’d find a way, no matter what my personal circumstance was.” She looked down, not wanting to hold his gaze anymore. She felt small. “That’s what family does, or tries to do, even if they aren’t very good at it.”

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