cold-blooded fire; kiah

[charade]

i s a b e l l e .

Here we are
(Here we are)
We knew this day would come
Those who slay together, stay together in the end

I feel like I should be happy. Meredith is gone. I took her pillow and added it to my bed. Ha! I got there first so suck it anyone else who wanted a second pillow. Victor would say this is good, cause if she wins, then she puts our name out there. A strauss victor would make Victor Strauss very happy. Even if its Meredith. And if she loses it proves she was weak. Good. I hope someone fills her full of holes really fast.

I should be happy that she’s gone now.

So how come I’m not?

I don’t really get why she volunteered. That other girl was a nobody and she decided to save her. Why? And she didn’t even save Anna-

No. No, I shouldn’t think about her anymore. My sister is dead and gone and you’re supposed to leave the past behind. I’m thirteen now, which makes me a real teenager now, even though I’m kind of on the small side. Meredith is a tribute in the quell and hopefully soon she’ll be a part of the past too and then I can forget her too.

Busy day today. Training has increased and the mood in the house has been kind of weird. I don’t know if people are worried for Meredith or don’t know what’s going to happen next in the house because of her. No fight to the death this year since Meredith volunteered to do the fighting and dying.

Yeah that’s right, I said dying. No way a loser like her makes it back. Suck it Meredith.

Hmm.

I’m not sure exactly what she’s supposed to be sucking, but I heard some of the older kids say that when they were annoyed at someone else.

I bet its lemons. I tried to eat a lemon once and I thought I was gonna die. It did not taste as good as lemonade.

Anyway I’ve been practicing throwing knives and it’s been working out pretty good. I’m trying really hard to pay attention to all the lessons. Being able to hit a target with a knife from farther away than stabbing distance makes me deadlier. It’s a surprise, like how I keep the knife Elizabeth gave me last year in my boot at all times. I’m just about to throw another one at a dummy when I get told that Victor wants to see me.

Oh-oh, never keep him waiting. I head to the room he’s in immediately, a little surprised that it’s the tv room.

“Yes sir, I’m here sir.” I say, walking slowly towards him. Respect is very important. Maybe most of all for she who must not be named, but it’s good for Victor and Killian too. Probably it’s time for another lesson with knives and a Finn dummy. I still hate him. But Victor’s been teaching me how to use it better and I can spend whole meals just staring at Finn, barely blinking while I picture all the ways to make him hurt. Just like Victor taught me.

One day I’m going to get in the games and I’m going to make Victor so proud.

Just you wait. 

[k!ah]

V I C T O R .

I thank God every day (uh huh)
That I woke up feelin' this way (uh huh)
And I can't help lovin' myself
And I don't need nobody else, nuh uh

Victor had a big day planned. A big day of tearing down self esteems and feeding the little demon that was growing inside his favourite child: Isabelle. There was namely only one self esteem that he would be dragging through the dirt this afternoon and that was Merediths. It was a true pity that she would not be able to witness it, to hear the judgement and critiques that he was about to bestow upon his pupil. He would give anything to see her nostrils flare with anger, to see her eyes glaze over in fear. To feel her beating heart in his hands. 

He could feel the anger that slumbered begin to rouse once again. He had thought that once he had burned down her sleeping quarters that he would feel it ease. But even the site of the blackened ash still cause his veins to pulse, his own nostrils to flare. 

"it’s pronounced str-ass like ‘ass'."

The words still seared into his mind. Every time her closed his god damn eyes he could see her, her finger wiggling itself so deep into her nostril that he was sure if she dug any deeper she would penetrate the tissue of her brain. Hopefully causing brain damage. 

He believed that it would take a lot of shit talk to get the feelings to dampen. So what better time too start than today.

Thats why he had sent for Isabelle to meet him in the viewing room. He had set up the theatre screen, and one leather black armchair. He had two things to go over with her today. The interview- just the thought of it started to make his blood boil- and the sad excuse of a training score the girl had manage to get. He had no idea what she had done- or to be more accurate what she hadn't done. But that didn't matter, because the number said it all.

1.

1!!!

His nostrills are flaring, his heart racing and the desire to throw his fist at something that would scream consumed him-

“Yes sir, I’m here sir.” The words of the child cut through his haze and he forces himself to regain some composure. Standing up straighter he greets her with a nod, signalling that she should take a seat on the chair. 

"Isabelle," he says as he watches her, picking up the remote from a small table set up beside her. "Today I have a very important lesson for you." He continues, his finger clicking the power button, causing the screen to jump to life. "One that you will need to remember if the day comes that you are reaped." Not many of the children he actually deemed acceptable to be reaped. Of course he would want any of their names to call. But there was only a select few that be truly believed had the potential to succeed. And little Isabelle was on top of that list. So yes, did he seem to give her that little bit extra interest? Of course he did, he wanted the others to feel threatened by her. He wanted them to see her for what he saw her as. He wanted them to fear her, almost the way they feared him. But not quite the same, he didn't want anyone to be feared more than himself. He was selfish that way. 

"Today we discuss what an utter failure Meredith Strauss is.

Pay close attention."

[charade]

i s a b e l l e .

Here we are
(Here we are)
We knew this day would come
Those who slay together, stay together in the end

An important lesson? One I’ll need to remember if I get reaped?

“Yes sir,” I say as I climb into the chair. Then he tells me that I’m going to learn what an utter failure Meredith is so pay attention. I put my arms on the arms of the chair and grip the edges with my fingers. Did she lose already? Is she lying on the ground full of holes with her big dumb eyes blank and staring at the sky? I didn’t think the games had gotten that far yet, or the Strauss’s would have had us all watching.

Not like she did anything in the bloodbath except run away. And with a dummy from five and two poor people. I think her brain fell out the back of her head. The careers from one had the best scores, she should have allied with them. But I guess district one is full of hoighty-toighty careers anyway.

Oh, it’s the interviews. I didn’t get to watch them when they first aired because I was in the training room with a couple other people. But it’s not like there’s anything cool to see during those anyway.

Oh boy, Meredith’s dumb face. Huh? Did the announcer just say what I think they said? She got a 1? Is that even possible? Wow she’s more of a loser than I—wow, no wonder the careers from one didn’t ally with her. Probably worried she’d trip and stab one of them on accident. I knew she couldn’t fight. Probably why she didn’t even try to save—

No, no! Don’t think about her. Hold it close, hold it tight, let it fuel the fire in my chest but don’t let it get in my head. Breathe out. Whew. I’m getting pretty good at this. Oh,-oh she’s being a dummy on purpose. I don’t think I ever saw her pick her nose before.

I don’t get it. Didn’t she pay attention during the games prep lessons? The interview is supposed to be the place where you show the other tributes that you’re supposed to feared. Show the crowd that nobody can mess with you. That you are worth spending money on. This is just—

It’s just dumb.

“No, no, it’s pronounced str-ass like ‘ass’, because the house is run by assholes.”

Oh-oh.

I’m trying not to look at Victor because the hairs on my arm are standing up and I see that he’s angry. Its in the way he’s standing. I can tell he’s mad even though I can’t see his face. Oh no, he’s probably gonna turn around soon with his angry face. I’m kind of mad too. We’re supposed to be the best and Meredith is making us sound like a bunch of idiots. The interview ends and I realize I’m gripping the arms of the chair pretty hard, so I let go. And I know what Victor wants to hear.

“She’s stupid!” I say quickly. “She’s weak and she’s trying to make us all look weak and I hate her!”

I think I believe it too.
 

[k!ah]

V I C T O R .

I thank God every day (uh huh)
That I woke up feelin' this way (uh huh)
And I can't help lovin' myself
And I don't need nobody else, nuh uh

The interview comes to life and he feel the rage that was simmering in is body begin to boil. He clenched and unclenched his hands, forcing himself to keep his breathing steady. He watched as she sauntered over, plopping herself down like she was about to enjoy a movie with a couple friends. Not that Victor really understood that feeling. He didn't have friends, he believed most people to be below him, so refused to give them the attention that they so often craved from his charismatic personality. 

Then she was speaking, her words of those of someone raised by peasants. There was no professionalism and if Octavia had been standing beside him he knew that her hair would be littered with a couple more greys, her fingers clenching her wine glass so tight that it might even shattered beneath her touch. At the next words she would then lose her shit, and Victor would watch in pure delight as his sistered lashed out. Maybe he should have invited her, maybe he still should. But after a moment he decides not to, his attention drawn once again to the shit head on the screen.

It was back to the moment her fingers was digging a path to her brain through her nose. He watched and it was like time slowed, like Meredith was looking at him through the camera, a smirk dancing on her lips. Are you proud of me father? It almost asked him, before time returned to normal, his fingers burying themselves into the black leather of Isabelle's armchair. The rage that had burned through him when he had stalked the mansions halls, when he had lit that matched that burnt her room to the ground was back, its fingers seductively brushing up its arms as they tempted him to once again lose his grasp on his temper. To fully let go and indulge in the feeling of breaking something, of destroying something. Watching it become worthless at his finger tips. 

“She’s stupid!” His gaze cuts to the child, a wicked smile dancing on his lips. Yes, she was stupid. “She’s weak and she’s trying to make us all look weak and I hate her!” That feeling that had been foreign but was now becoming more comfortable when around Isabelle pulses through him. Pride. The words that slip past the guard of his lips as like a cooling breeze, simmering the rage slightly as it was replaced with the feeling of pride. He couldn't believe just how quickly the girl was evolving, into the image that he had created in his mind. 

"That is correct, Isabelle. The girl is stupid." His fingers reach for the remote, and he presses pause. He quickly grabs an empty chair and positions it in front of the child before taking a seat, crossing one leg over the other as he fold his hands onto his knees. "Have you seen what happened to her rooms?" He asks, his voice surprisingly calm, his focus no longer on Meredith but on his ever evolving weapon. "Do you understand why myself, and Killian burnt it to the ground?"

[charade]

i s a b e l l e .

Here we are
(Here we are)
We knew this day would come
Those who slay together, stay together in the end

It always makes me happy when Victor tells me I’m right. It means I’ve doing the right thing and making the adults proud. Then he pauses the video and sits in front of me asking me if I’ve what happened to Meredith’s room. If I’ve seen what him and Killian did to it. He’s using his thinking voice, which means I need to give him the right answer or he’ll be disappointed.

I don’t like disappointing Victor. I want him to be proud of me. Cause I’m gonna be the strongest. Not weak like Meredith or Anna—

Like the sister I used to have. She—she doesn’t matter anymore and the sooner I stop getting sad about her, the better focus I’ll have, just like I’m being taught. And the better focus I have, the stronger I’ll be. That’s why careers lose the games all the time. Not enough focus. They get distracted and they get attached to tributes that should have been their meatshields. Dummies. Only one person can win, there’s no point in making friends. If I stay in control of my emotions instead of letting them control me, then I’ll be the one doing the hurting instead of the one being hurt.

It’s a lot to remember, but I’m getting the hang of it.

Anyway, they burned her room. All of her stuff. Except for her pillow because I took that the day she volunteered. I think I know why too, because I pay attention to all the lessons. Boy, imagine her face if she comes home and sees her room is just dusty and burnt. She’s never going to see it again though. She’s not strong enough to come home or smart enough either. I still can’t believe she allied with the only tribute dumber than her and two poor people from hickville. How are they gonna help her?

Are they gonna teach her how to square dance? Hehehe. Good luck with that except not really.

Oh wait, square dancing is what the hicks with the cowboy hats do, Meredith’s allies are farming hicks.

So even more useless. You can’t kill someone by planting trees.

“She doesn’t deserve to be remembered.” I say after a moment, remembering something Victor told me in another lesson. We were watching an old games. One where four of the careers died in the bloodbath. The boy from our district made it to eighth place but then he got killed by a crazy tribute who ate his own hand when he ran out of food so I think Victor was unimpressed.

“History doesn’t remember losers.” I say, puffing my chest out a little. “So she doesn’t even deserve to be remembered as a Strauss, because we’re training to be winners.” I grin at Victor the way he grins at us when we make each other bleed, but I’m not completely sure I’m right and I hope that doesn’t show on my face but it probably does.

“Right?”

I wonder if my dad was like Victor. I hope so. It’s nice when adults pay attention to you.

The trick is to make them happy first. 

[k!ah]

V I C T O R .

I thank God every day (uh huh)
That I woke up feelin' this way (uh huh)
And I can't help lovin' myself
And I don't need nobody else, nuh uh

Victor still remembered the feeling of the ember burning the tips of his fingers as he tossed the match onto the gutted bed. He could still smell the first wife of smoke as the ember began to eat away at the material, consuming any fuel that allowed it to grow into a burning inferno. He could still taste it on his tongue. He had thought it might satiate the rage that burned through him, he had thought that it could calm the dragon that threatened to burst through his skin scorching anyone in his way. But as he watched the flames his satisfaction had only lasted a few hours.

But the image it represented would always be burnt into the Strauss history. He would make it into museum so tp say, a engraved plaque informing the children who walk past what happened when you dragged the family name through the dirt. Death wouldn't be enough to escape it, he would make sure that they were remembered as the termites that they were. When anyone spoke her name- Meredith's name- they would not be filled with awe, their eyes would not glaze over in fascination. No, he would make sure their lips curled in distaste, he would make sure that her image was to tarnished that just the thought of her made your stomach flip with distaste.

No one got away with spitting on his name, of dragging it through the trash, especially not the children who he had given a chance to become kings and queens.

“She doesn’t deserve to be remembered.” Victor purses his lips, crossing his arms across his chest as he observes the child. Not exactly right, he thinks, maybe he didn't quite make his intentions clear enough. He takes a mental note, reminding himself to talk to Killian about it, to use his brothers strategic mind to make sure that his message could not be interpreted in any way but the way he intended.

“History doesn’t remember losers.” Now this was something that he could agree with. History only told the tales of victories, failures swept under a rug in the back of peoples minds, never to be exposed. "So she doesn’t even deserve to be remembered as a Strauss, because we’re training to be winners.”

Bingo. There it was, not a Strauss. Meredith lost the privilege of calling herself a Strauss the minute she decided it was okay for her to speak- no think- one ill word against the family name.

"Very good," he praises as he uncrosses his legs, leaning forward resting his elbows on his knees. "But not perfect. The reason Killian and I burnt down the room was to make sure that there would be a constant reminder in this house. That every time one of you walked past the room you would remember her- remember her to be an utter disappointment. A reminder that when you step out of line in this household and so easily your life, your history, can be forever destroyed." He sits back again, "but you're right that she will be forgotten. The Strauss family doesn't waste time on losers. The room will just be a reminder of what happens when you become a failure in the eyes of this family. No one will remember the name Meredith, they will see the room at they will be a constant reminder of the time one of you thought it would be okay to ruin us.

And that will never be okay, do you understand?"

[charade]

i s a b e l l e .

Here we are
(Here we are)
We knew this day would come
Those who slay together, stay together in the end

He doesn’t say anything for a minute or two and I start to get worried. His arms are crossed and the look on his face is starting to look close to disappointment. Oh no, am I not right? Since she volunteered for that nobody all she’s done is be an idiot and be weak. I always knew she was dumb; I just didn’t expect her to be happy about it. I wonder if I can convince Finn to volunteer next year.

It creeps him out when I stare at him without blinking, I’m pretty sure.

“Very good.” Victor says and I almost breathe a sigh of relief out loud except I don’t ‘cause that might be weakness. Instead I listen as he teaches. My answer wasn’t perfect which I still a lot to learn if I want to be the best. I have to remember that Meredith was a disappointment. That acting like a big ol’ dummy in public is the worst possible thing one of us could do. And the punishment would not just be death, but erasure. To be forgotten.

He asks me if I understand and I nod. “Yes sir,” I say. “I understand.” One day soon, when they get a new dummy to replace her, the dummy will probably ask me who the room belonged to. Most houses don’t have burned up rooms. At least I don’t think so. I haven’t been in any except this one, the orphanage and the house I came from. But I don’t remember that one a whole lot. It probably sucked, even if Ann—

Even if that one person used to tell me stories about it. Stories about our parents and the tiny puppy in the nice house. How we were a loving family and how they cared about us. How mother used to sing to us or how papa made funny faces out of eggs and bacon.

Those’r—

If they cared about us they would have been strong and then they wouldn’t have died. My sister wouldn’t have died. And Meredith is a liar too. If she cared about me, she would have stayed.

It doesn’t matter if I love them or hate them.

Everybody leaves me.

So those are fairy tales and I’m growing up. This is real. And what’s real is that people die when they are weak, and if they were weak then they aren’t worth remembering. I gotta do what Victor says and rein in my emotions. There’s no point in caring about people. They—

They’re all gonna leave me someday.

A-anyway when the new dummy asks me what the burned room is about, I’m gonna tell them the truth.

The room belonged to nobody important.

Just some girl.