anchor you . kiah . day 3

[cass]

m e r e d i t h .

Broke in the night
In the colorless light
And the cold of an empty bottle
Drunk on a song
Of a lie gone wrong

Arabella was still looking as if the world had ended by the time Meredith returned after her talk with Will. Meredith felt something within her tighten, something pull and snap as she watched the girl from eleven looked a little more and more broken. They didn’t have the luxury to cry and regret the choices they made, that was how you got yourself killed, that was how you got your allies killed.

For a moment she felt as though she might burst, she felt the anger bubbling in her belly with every step closer she took. As she reached Arabella all she could see was Victor’s face, see the way it contorted with anger, she could picture the condescension in everything Octavia said. It was so easy to remember how everything Octavia said made you feel small, unloved, uncared for. She would never be the same as them. She would never do such a thing.

Meredith marched over to Arabella, kneeling down in front of her. She placed a hand on the girl’s arm. “What’d you expect Arabella? To get to the end and everyone to fall on their own swords so you could waltz on out of here?” She tried her best to not let anger creep into her voice, she buried it deep within her, pushing it away, instead, trying to speak as calmly as she could. When Arabella refused to meet her eyes Meredith grabbed her shoulders with both hands, demanding that the older girl like her in the eye.

“That’s not how it works, I get that it’s not easy, it shouldn’t be. But if you can’t pick yourself up from this then you’re gonna get yourself killed. And that’s not fair to Hellemine, that’s not fair to me or Cyro or Lysander who are trying their goddamn best to go home.” Her expression hardened, uncompromising as she stared at Arabella, forcing her to understand, pushing the nail deeper, hoping it didn’t build the coffin.

“This isn’t the time to lose yourself, not unless you plan on following Helle into a grave.”

elegant

[k!ah]

a r a b e l l a .

Down in the deep
Where the sirens sing
And hide in the muddy water

Meredith releases her arm leaving Arabella's wrist aching slightly. But she doesn't complain, rubbing her wrist with her free hand. Glancing down she notices a small ring of red where her fingers hand wrapped around her in an iron grip. Shortly after the career marches away, leaving the group of broken tributes to pick themselves up, and dust themselves off. Arabella finds herself seated on the ground, sharp gems poking her in the buttocks as she wraps her arms around her knees, hugging them close.

She doesn't say anything, doesn't even look at Lysander and Cyro, her mind preoccupied in her own self wallowing. Today she had killed a girl. She had thrown a knife into a girls eye. How does one come back from that? Every time she closed her eyes she could see it, see the knife burry itself into the girls eyes, body crashing to the ground. Lifeless. The cries of the girls allies, the people who most likely had become close to her like the way she had with Cyro, Mer and even Lysander in her own way.

She doesn't know how long she sits like this, but long enough to not notice Merediths return. She kneels down in front of her, a hand placed on Arabella's arm. “What’d you expect Arabella? To get to the end and everyone to fall on their own swords so you could waltz on out of here?” The words bite into her skin, and Arabella visibly recoils, her eyes refusing to meet the girls from Two. Of course she had not believed that they would all commit seppuku, just so that she could live. And- and she knew at some stage that she would have to cross this line, to end the life of another child... But that didn't mean she was ready. That didn't mean she was ready to face the consequences of her actions.

Demanding hands find her shoulders, forcing Arabella's eyes to meet Merediths. “That’s not how it works-"

"I know thats not how it works!" Arabella snaps, anger seeping into her voice, but Meredith was not done talking. She tells her how she understands that its not easy, that it shouldn't be easy. "But if you can’t pick yourself up from this then you’re gonna get yourself killed. And that’s not fair to Hellemine, that’s not fair to me or Cyro or Lysander who are trying their goddamn best to go home.” The small seed of anger that had begun to blossom in her chest grows, and her eyes grow steely as she levels them with the career. “This isn’t the time to lose yourself, not unless you plan on following Helle into a grave.”

Thats when she snapped, ripping herself from the girls grip. "I just killed someone!" She retaliates, climbing to her feet. "I'm sorry if I can't push that to the back of my mind, sweep it under the rug and pretend it has not happened!" She hisses. How could she just expect her to forget what just happened? Wasn't she allowed to process what she had just done, wasn't she allowed to figure out how she was to deal with something like this? "I don't know about you, but I have not been trained for something like this. Growing up in Eleven you learn to farm, to deal with poverty and hunger. Not how to overcome becoming a killer.”

Blood on my hands

And the moonlit sand

But I'd die just to keep them under

elegant

[cass]

m e r e d i t h .

Broke in the night
In the colorless light
And the cold of an empty bottle
Drunk on a song
Of a lie gone wrong

Meredith listened as Arabella yelled, straightening up and folding her arms across her chest as the girl from eleven unleashed her anger. She scowled, her calmness threatening to spill, but that would only worsen the situation. She held it back, refusing with every piece of her being to become the person Victor wanted them to all be. The scorn in Octavia’s voice rang loud in her ear, the biting words that left the older woman’s mouth always packed a punch, took a piece of you every time she spoke.

She couldn’t be like them. Was she fooling herself?

“Cry all you want,” she said, “when you’re alive, back in district eleven.” She’d have all the time in the world to drown in self-pity, once she was back home. “But how are you going to defend yourself if that alliance comes back? What? You going to politely ask them to hold for a minute so you can wipe your tears away?” She hissed, taking a step back.

She ran a hand through her hair trying to piece together her thoughts. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she just wanted to scream, scream each and every word at Arabella until it went through her thick skull.

“The next people we face aren’t going to hesitate just because you don’t want to kill another person, they aren’t going to let you mourn and pity yourself for doing exactly what the games were designed for.” Meredith turned away, a deep, shuddering breath later she felt her arms drop to her sides, shoulders slumping forwards.

She looked at Arabella, and all she could see was Anabelle, broken and bleeding; dead. Dead because she didn’t want to kill, dead because she hated the idea of fighting to survive. She could see the twins, Theon and Carmen refusing to fight, unwilling to kill to survive. Victor had killed them, Finn had killed Anabelle. Where there was someone who couldn’t fight anymore there would always be another, ready to step in and do what had to be done. “People die all the fucking time,” tears had sprung to her eyes, and she wiped them away as quickly as they came.

"They choose to believe that not killing someone is the better option, and every time they do it, they’re in a coffin, dead,” her voice broke, tripping over the words. “I don’t need you to pretend it hasn’t happened,” every single night she was plagued by the people she had seen die, last night she had woken up with a scream caught in her throat as she had watched Finn plunge his sword into Anabelle’s heart.

Meredith doesn’t need another face haunting her because they were too broken to fight. “I just need you to be strong enough to not let it get you killed.”

elegant

[k!ah]

a r a b e l l a .

Broke in the night 
In the colorless light 
And the cold of an empty bottle

As the words fell from Arabella's lips Meredith stood, crossing her arms defiantly as the anger in the depths of her eyes grew, like a storm turning into a cyclone. “Cry all you want, once you’re alive, back in district eleven. But how are you going to defend yourself if that alliance comes back? What? You going to politely ask them to hold for a minute so you can wipe your tears away?” She hisses, running an angry hand through her messy hair. The words only fuel Arabella's anger, her lips peeling back into a snarl.

"I'm sorry I have a fucking-" silently she sends and apology towards Ellen for her foul language- "heart." She throws back, arms place defensively on her hips. A day or two ago she would never have allowed herself to speak to the career like this, scared that she might bite her at the tone in her voice, but Arabella was already skating on thin ice, and she was ready to bite back. "I'm not an idiot," she growls, "Of course I understand that a fight isn't going to stop for I can wipe up my tears. But I won't apologise for caring! I won't apologise that I can't change who I am at the click of my fingers just because thats whats expected of me."

“People die all the fucking time,” tears spring to her eyes at the words, and temporally Arabella's anger is thawed, before regains its fire. "Yes, they die. They die of sickness, they die of old age. But they don't die by my hand." Her voices lowers, her eyes dropping to her feet for a moment as she fights the tidal wave of emotion that fills her, threatening to knock her off her feet. "Never, not once in my life, did I dream that I would be someone to kill another child!" She whimpers, her hands ringing over one another.

“They choose to believe that not killing someone is the better option, and every time they do it, they’re in a coffin, dead,” Meredith voice breaks, and Arabella tilts her gaze to meet the girls. “I don’t need you to pretend it hasn’t happened, I just need you to be strong enough to not let it get you killed.”

"How can killing someone be the better option?" she cries, tears of frustration springing to her eyes, "kill- killing will never be the best option." Her gaze seeks out the careers, "I- I dont want- want to die," she manages, her words getting stuck in her mouth. "But how can killing other children justify my right to make it home? To live and breathe another day?" The tears begin to fall as he had reaches for Merediths.

Drunk on a song

Of a lie gone wrong

You only find when you hit the bottom

elegant

[cass]

m e r e d i t h .

Broke in the night
In the colorless light
And the cold of an empty bottle
Drunk on a song
Of a lie gone wrong

"I'm sorry I have a fucking heart."

The implication hit her like a brick and she found herself staring, gaping at Arabella. Her mind reeled, remembering the days following Anabelle’s death she had spent sobbing into her pillow until her head ached so much that she thought it would explode. How Isabelle had screamed at her asking her why she had done nothing to stop Finn from killing her sister. She could feel the way her nose had broke as she had let Isabelle hit her again and again, thinking that she deserved every bit of it.

Doesn’t have a heart.

Her heart hurt so much all the time. None of her siblings had to die this year because she was going to. It hurt, it hurt so much. Meredith was so tired, too young to feel such weight on her shoulders, to feel this kind of pain. Unbreakable, that’s what a career was supposed to be. Strong, resilient... a killer without a heart, with no remorse. A belief so ingrained within everyone around her that none of them saw the small, frail girl before them. They ignored the fact that she was the youngest in the group, that she was terrified, they could do nothing more than label her, put her in a cage, cover her face and pretend she was whatever they wanted her to be.

She was worth more than this. It bubbled, and she bit her lip until the taste of blood filled her mouth.

“Yeah well, surprise surprise Arabella,” the words felt bitter on her tongue, heavy and regretful, “the real world ain’t a fairy tale. You have killed someone with your own hands.” Did Arabella think that Meredith spent every day dreaming of murdering innocent people? That her dreams were filled with blood and death and the fantasy of taking life afterlife? Not a single child in her family had chosen to be adopted into the Strauss household, she’d had no choice.

Not everyone was lucky enough to have parents who loved them, who could guide them and protect them from the cruel reality of the world. Some of them just had sociopaths, pushing them along a dangerous tight rope and cheering as each of them slipped and fell to their deaths.

Arabella reached for Meredith’s hands, and she felt numb, letting the other girl grab onto her, clinging to her once more as if she was the pillar of support. Unbreakable. A picture of strength. The choice in the Arena wasn’t as complicated as Arabella made it seem, there was no weighing the morality of murder. It was a simple equation: kill or be killed. The words balanced on Meredith’s lips, but she couldn’t force them out as she looked into Arabella’s broken gaze.

She missed her mum, the one that was a foggy memory on a summer day. She missed the real thing, the one that she could remember holding her and telling her it’d be okay. She couldn’t remember what it felt like to be loved and supported. A tight embrace filled with a mother’s love. There was nothing in her eyes as she stared at Arabella, she pushed it all down, the pain, the anguish. There was no point, she could see that clearly now, her pain wouldn’t reach Arabella, it was just something she’d have to face alone.

That was nothing new.

“It’ll be okay,” she said, pulling a hand free to pat Arabella on the head. She imagined that was what a mum would do. Meredith didn’t believe that it’d be okay, there was nothing in her life that told her there was good left in this world. If there had been, Anabelle would still be alive, but she wasn’t, just like Theon and Carmen. The unbreakable was cracking, she could feel it in her chest. She just hoped someone put a knife through her heart before she crumbled.

elegant

[k!ah]

a r a b e l l a .

Time don't know 
where the river flows
But I pray it's out to sea

"Yeah well, surprise surprise Arabella, the real world ain’t a fairy tale.” The words sting and Arabella finds herself flinching at the harshness behind them. The moment she had stepped on the train Katelyn had made sure to crush those ideas she had in her mind. Katelyn bombarded her with harsh truths, truths that had run circles in her mind every night. Arabella was not oblivious to this fact. She knew that this wasn't a fairytale, she knew that this life she was living was a nightmare, but it was her reality.

"You have killed someone with your own hands." She freezes, and she fights the urge to drop the girls hand, to hide the way that trembled. She had told her only just the other night that she was going to become a lion- fierce, strong and proud. But when it came down to it, she was just the lamb. She was scared, weak and pathetic. She was never going to be one of those hero's that she dreamed about, she was never going to become that warrior that she had promised Katelyn that she would become.

She had already paid the price: blood, sweat and tears. And yet she didn't feel transformed, in fact, she felt smaller than ever.

She meets Meredith eyes once again, hoping to see some sort of emotion. But they are empty, so empty that she could not see the bottom. She pulls her hand from Arabella's, placing it on her head, ”It’ll be okay,” she says. She supposed the gesture was supposed to comfort her, but Arabella could only feel the weight of it on her head. Arabella closes her eyes, cutting off the window to her soul, forcing a weak smile to spread across her lips.

"I'm sure it will be," the lie falls easily from her lips, as she excuses herself. She lays down on the gem littered earth, placing her head on her rucksack like a pillow. Closing her eyes she pulls the cloak up around her body, concealing her face, only then does she allow the tears to fall, as silents sobs rack through her body.

I will allow myself to cry now, I will allow my heart to hurt. But only for one night, she promises herself, deep down knowing that even though Meredith words hurt, they were the truth. In the games she didn’t have time to wallow, she didn't have time to allow the pain to consume her. She had to pick herself back up, she had to keep fighting, even though she knew that each time she swung her blade, she was losing a small piece of who she was, turning her into a girl she no longer recognised.

Ooo, ooo gonna bury me

Ooo, ooo gonna bury me

elegant

[Arabella flees]

[cass]

m e r e d i t h .

Broke in the night
In the colorless light
And the cold of an empty bottle
Drunk on a song
Of a lie gone wrong

Meredith watched as Arabella walked away, lifeless gaze following her as she lay on the ground pulling her cloak tightly around her body. She was familiar with the way she curled up, with the way her body began to shake and Meredith knew she was crying and would probably cry until she was too tired to go on and sleep finally claimed her.

More times then Meredith could count she had done the same thing, exhausting her emotions until she was empty and nothing but sleep could make the pain lessen. Sometimes she had simply stared at the roof, hoping that the ache in her chest might just lessen a little bit if she convinced herself it didn’t hurt that much.

She wasn’t sure when she had got so good at lying to herself. It didn’t matter, she could live with watching Arabella cry if it meant that the girl would come out of it stronger. She would die knowing that hopefully, she helped fit another piece into a person to make them a little stronger, a little braver. Hopefully, Arabella would remember a few bits and pieces of what Meredith had said and she’d pull herself together a little bit quicker every time she was faced with more blood on her hands.

Meredith found her own patch of dirt, fingers digging into each gem as she shoved them aside. When she lay her head into her backpack she stared at the stars.

After a long moment she made a decision, tonight she needed it, just a few moments of clinging to her own dreams. It was an occasional lapse in self-control, days where her emotions got the better of her. She always forced herself to stop and pull away from daydreams of ‘what-ifs’ and ‘what could have been’. When she was falling apart she gave in to her weakness a little, thinking that maybe it’d stop the bleeding before she was completely lost.

It was a familiar story, she played it across the stars, trailing over the different constellations with her eyes as she weaved the magic together inside her head. She pretended that there was a woman beside her with hair that looked like her own and a smile that made her feel warm inside. The woman pointed to different stars, tracing a finger in the air as she drew pictures of animals that Meredith tried to guess. She got every single one of them correct because it wasn’t real, but she could pretend that the woman beside her beamed with pride.

When she rolled over the space before her was empty, Meredith stretched her fingers out, yearning for that warmth. The word ‘mum’ felt so foreign on her lips that she was too scared to even say it, worried that it would shatter the stillness around her. Tears welled in her eyes, an emptiness echoing in her chest as she stared into nothingness, knowing that she would not sleep one bit that night.

elegant

[ mer flees ]