gentle friendship . kaitlin . clue

[cass]

c a s s i u s .

"you are young
and broken
covered in scars"

You wonder why the line is death.

Why can’t they reach out and break the curse before someone has to die? You’re not sure why, and it saddens a part of you wondering why it took the killing of an innocent girl to gather the school together. No one had spoken about you after one of the boys had almost drowned you. It was because he hadn’t killed you, so the stain was carried on your soul, instead, of in a grave.

The assembly had sucked, it had left you feeling drained before the day could even truly begin. After it had finished you’d left quickly, moving ahead of your classmates and slinking out the door and into freedom. The fresh air of the morning was a welcome relief, fingers pushing at your chest as your anxiety bubbled beneath your skin.

The tree by the edge of the school grounds was familiar, and you stroll towards it, hands already searching for the book you’d tucked away before the assembly began. First period was math, and you hated math. You think you could have liked it, or at least tried to, had the class not been filled with the face of bullies. It was safer to simply stay away, the failure hanging over your report card every time you returned home.

With a sigh you slide into the dirt, stretching out a leg in front of you as you turn your gaze to the school in front of you. It’s dark, with the sun rising from behind it, and deep shadows pool in front of its doors. It looks evil. It is evil. A lot of terrible things happened at this school, many of the people who were affected would carry the wounds for the rest of their lives.

You know you will, your dreams turn to nightmares, your eyes constantly search behind you for fear of what might come out from the shadows.

There’s a figure not too far away and you squint at it, before realising it’s Mav. He must have followed you out, he had a tendency to appear in places near you. You don’t mind his company, there’s no fear when he’s around.

elegant

[gamemaker tallis 🧚🏽‍♂️kaitlin.]

M A V E R I C K

Homeroom leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

All of the falseness, the way the other's pretended like all was fucking jolly. Like they hadn't spent a night together last spring as part of the search party for Scarlet Hyde's body only to all find pieces of her scattered everywhere. It makes your stomach roll, just the memory of it. Your second time laying eyes on a dead body is not something you care to remember. But school is a lack luster distraction, and you can't bring yourself to make it to your next class. You can't remember the last time you ever cared about school, can't even remember the last time that you really tried.

You've always wondered what you would be if you could stop worrying about the things that plague you, if you could just let them all go and walk away from them the same way that you walk right out the side door of the campus's main academic building and leave the class you're supposed to be in behind. You walked right up to the door, made dead eye contact with Mr. Harris, pursed your lips and said fuck it out loud and walked away.

He knows where you're supposed to be.

And he knows you won't be there.

Why couldn't it be just that easy to walk away from the demons in your head? Why couldn't you lock them in a room and tell them to shut the fuck up and then leave them there, permanently, and never have to look back?

You wish you could just ignore the memory of finding your dad dead in the living room, wish you could ignore the memory of finding Scarlet Hyde's right hand, rings still intact. You wish it was as easy as spotting Cassius sitting under a tree like a statue. The image of him like that makes your hands twitch for a bit of clay, and you wish that you could just carry some around in your back pocket.

"Harris might skin you for skipping, you know," you say, striding right up to him, then sinking down and laying on your back in the grass a few feet away. The morning sun is just cresting over the edge of the roof, and it's warm on your cheeks. "He's too afraid to try me, but you—you're already skin and bones, Cass."

It's a joke, not that you smile.

elegant

[cass]

c a s s i u s .

"I'm gonna show you everything's alright
End of the tunnel, there is always light
You're in the middle of the darkest night"

Maverick flops down into the grass a few feet away from you. He’s loud and you find yourself frowning, pulling the book up a little higher as if it’d stop him from annoying you. It doesn’t.

He doesn’t seem to understand silence, or peace and quiet. Instead, he goes on, warning you that Mr. Harris is going to skin you alive for skipping, but Mr Harris likes you, because you pass his class, so you won’t get in trouble. Maybe if Maverick put more time into studying and using his brain for anything other then swearing and yelling -he might be a bit more likable.

The irony in the sentence isn’t lost on you. You find yourself rolling your eyes at your own comment. It wasn’t cool or impressive that the teachers liked you. But, thankfully, it was one of the few things that kept you going in this cold school. The teachers (except for your Math teacher) enjoyed your company. There was nothing to dislike about a student that always showed up, got straight A’s and didn’t disturb the class.

Maybe it was one of the reasons to blame for the bullying, and you’d never understand why being respected by adults meant you deserved to be treated like shit by kids.

“Mr. Harris actually likes me, believe it or not, Mav,” you speak softly, gaze sliding down the page of your book for a moment longer.

Turning the page, your gaze briefly flickers over to Maverick. His attention is focused on the school building. You’re not sure at what point the two of you started spending time together, but it was peaceful. You think it might be nicer if his voice was a bit more gentle, but he doesn’t say mean things to you -at least, not intentionally.

You think he might be the sidekick in a story, too blunt and brash to be the hero, but not angry and terrifying enough to be the villain. Perhaps, maybe more like the boy who’s lost his way, burying his true self behind outbursts of smoke. It’s a screen, trying to protect himself from something inside that he doesn’t want to deal with -or let the world see.

“Maybe if you were actually passing his class he wouldn’t get so upset,” a wry grin slides into place as you turn your attention back to the book.

There aren’t many people in this school that you talk to, somehow Mav ended up being one of them.

elegant

[gamemaker tallis 🧚🏽‍♂️kaitlin.]

M A V E R I C K

The thing you have learned about happiness, you have found, is that in order to find it, you have to be willing to let yourself get cut wide open.

You have to be willing to lose it, have to be willing to let someone in, let something into your heart and just hope and pray that it doesn't desert you, doesn't disappoint you, doesn't leave you open and raw and bleeding with no way of putting yourself back together. You think this is why you are really no good at being happy. Sometimes you wonder about death and what it would be like, not in a way where you like, want to die, but you kind of have to ask yourself: in another life, would this be something you're better at? Opening your heart up to hurt? Opening yourself up to happiness? You think that you probably believe in some variety of reincarnation, so you have to ask, if death is really temporary, is that something that makes you want to speed up the process of getting there?

You're not really willing to find out.

But you can't help but ask.

You think that's probably why you like Cassius as much as you do, for the simple fact that he lets you exist exactly as you are, doesn't try and push you to be kinder, doesn't try and push you to be crueler. He doesn't ask about you or your past, knows that he knows what he needs to know in order to read you as best he'll ever be able to, and doesn't demand any more from you. He accepts you, collapsed feeling of being not quite all there beneath your skin and all.

Really, you can't ask for anything else in a friend.

Not that he's your friend.

Well, maybe.

You don't really like to think about people as friends any more, because friends can leave you, friends can hurt you, but. You don't have another word for him, so you'll refer to him like that privately, in your head where no one can hear.

"Oh, you know me better than that by now, Cass," you say, head lolling in the other boys general direction. The sun is cresting over the top of the school and you're fully in its line of sight, light blasting across your eyes. "Where the fun in him liking me?"

You smile, but it's all teeth. No real entertainment. You don't know why you're like this.

(You're lying. You do.)

"School is way more fun when it's falling out from under me."

elegant

[cass]

c a s s i u s .

"I'm gonna show you everything's alright
End of the tunnel, there is always light
You're in the middle of the darkest night"

You roll your eyes, tugging on another page and feeling the paper slide under your fingers as you turn it over. There’s something soothing about the way it feels, and you think it might be because it helps you deal with your anxiety. A self-soothing action that tugs a racing heartbeat to a more gentle, slower pace.

Your eyes trail down the page, but after a few moments, you find that none of the words are sinking in. Mav’s wiggled his way into your mind, and the brilliantly written tale of life before you doesn’t catch your attention. With a heavy sigh, you reach into your jacket pocket, fingers tugging out the bookmark. You place it onto the page, the delicately pressed rose petals was one of your favourite bookmarks. You think Naomi might like one made of sunflowers - you’ll have to make her one some time.

Putting the book into your bag you scoot down, pressing your head into the grass as you turn to face Mav. His smile is protective, like always, a wall that you can’t even see behind, but you hope that maybe one day he’ll let you take a little peek. It’s been a long time since you saw behind it, back when you were both too little to try and hide the darkness inside. Maybe you’ll let him see behind the mask as well, that’s what friends do right?

You stare for a moment longer, eyes trying to find something. He’s changed, you all have, but you remember the young boy that had stood up for you when bullies hurt had hurt you. You remember the boy that would strike back and walk you home just to make sure you were safe. Sometimes you had wished he had been there when they had tried to drown you. He might have stopped them, and you might be a little less broken.

It’s a nice thought, but you’d stopped relying on other people years ago. It was just another wound for you to bare, there was no need to make anyone else carry that weight. No point in thinking about what-ifs, you just had to deal with the trauma and move on.

“Don’t fall too far, Mav,” you say, no hint of a smile on your face, a gentle concern flowing through your eyes. “No one will be able to catch you."

You turn your gaze away, eyes resting on the limbs of the tree above you. "You know you can ask me for help, just like I’ve asked you.”

You don’t want to lose him, so you hope that he’ll catch himself before it’s too late.

elegant

[gamemaker tallis 🧚🏽‍♂️kaitlin.]

M A V E R I C K

Cass's words hit you right in the chest.

His gaze is just a little bit too piercing, a little bit too all seeing. He's a boy who understands just a little bit too well what it is to be hurting inside and not want anyone to know, not want anyone to see. He knows what it's like to feel storms brewing in your chest, lightning and thunder ripping you into shreds with every moment. You've known him for years, know exactly the kinds of things that are running around in his head, and when he looks at you like that, like he knows you, it makes you want to run.

You sometimes hate that you're like this. That all you know how to do is go.

You wish, sometimes, you would stop.

If you're honest, you don't even know what you're running from anymore. Your dad has been dead for years. Your brothers have hated you ever since. That is what it is, is what it will be, and there's no running from it—and yet. Maybe you're running from the future, from what the fact of your past will mean from who you are going to be. Your fate. Growing up and getting older.

Maybe you're running so you don't have to pick up the pieces of the boy who his father loved most. Maybe you're running so you never have to move on.

No one will be able to catch you.

"Maybe that's the point," you reply, voice low. You breathe through your nose, once, twice, let his words settle around you. "The future is wasted on some people, Cass," you reply, looking straight into the sky. It's just a little bit too vulnerable to look at him. "If this place wants to give up on me, I say let 'em."

elegant

[cass]

c a s s i u s .

"I'm gonna show you everything's alright
End of the tunnel, there is always light
You're in the middle of the darkest night"

You’re not entirely sure what he means by that. The future seems to be wasted on you, but Mav had still reached, pulling you up from the dirt without hesitating. You think that maybe he doesn’t see himself the same way you do, but then, that’s the poison that comes with being human. We’re all trying to create images of ourselves whilst ignoring the images that we already project.

It’s quite pessimistic of him, and even you find yourself uncomfortable with the comments. That’s something unusual, the coil of deaths delight sitting so comfortably beside you. Yet, inviting another along to the party warrants its own set of instructions. Mav is worth more than the darkness that warps your own mind. He stands up for others, he’s loud and brave and everything you wish you were.

You don’t agree with him, and so you sit up, moving closer to him until your leg is almost touching his. There’s a line before you, a step closer to a boundary you had ignored since Mav had helped you all those years ago. It was an unspoken rule that had formed from anger and pain and a need to ignore your own suffering. You pause, fingers in the grass as you stare at Mav.

The breeze slips between your lungs and you move, fingers slipping until they reach Mav’s shoulder.

“You’re being unfair, Mav.” You frown, letting your hand hold for a moment before it slips back to your side. There’s tension in your back and you force your gaze to meet his eyes, a battle within your chest as you struggle not to look away.

“It sounds more like you’re giving up on yourself,” you swallow, fingers digging into the dirt as you finally release your eyes. They switch to the building in front of you, dark looming shadows casting ominous patterns into the dirt. You hate this building; you hate the suffering it represents. You hate the walls it creates and the lives it ruins, even if they do not deserve it.

“Don’t give up, I won’t give up on you,” it’s still for a moment, the breeze dropping as you pause, “you’re worth the effort.”

elegant