two steps back / ele ( clue. )

[tick 12a / calla]

You don't catch Benji until close to the end of the day. It's not like you've really been looking for him per say, you've just been keeping an eye out. Trying to keep tabs.

You've had one of the underclassmen tail him, just as a precaution. Just to see who he talks to.

Because you can still feel the bass thrum through the floorboards of that house, and you can still see the way that the lights had flickered on and off in time to the music. It was some party that Stella had invited you to, something you were obligated to, because even though school was out for a few months, the game didn't stop.

It was fine at first. It really was. But you hadn't expected to see Parker there, and so you weren't prepared to hold your tongue. You didn't even try, of course, because you're Grady and she's Parker. You've never exactly been friends. And that's never really been a secret. You don't remember who started it, you just remember that you finished it that night. She had set you off and you stormed up to the second floor for fresh air because you knew there was a balcony up there.

Except you stormed right into Benji.

You can't even remember what you two had talked about. It all gets blurred in the space around those five seconds it took you to realize that his mouth was on yours and yours was on his and you don't think you've ever run so fast in your life.

So, yeah, when the kid you got to follow him comes up with nothing you start to get a little worried. You don't know a lot about the guy. You have no idea if he's like Stella and he'll use this against you. That's why you don't know if you should just ignore him, because he might just go away. Maybe this whole thing will disappear a whole lot easier than you think. But life is never that simple.

You could threaten him, because money always talks, but that means actually acknowledging what happened. Showing how panicked you are about it is one hell of a blackmail card. You worry your bottom lip and feel like tearing your hair out.

It feels like you've been standing here for ages, lounging under the shade of a tree and watching him, probably just looking like you're waiting for Cleo or something.

Fuck, you don't even want to know what will happen if she finds out.

Maybe that's what finally gets you moving. You take long strides over to wear Benji's sitting, on a bench in the courtyard, holding your secrets in the palm of his hand. The slats of the bench dig in when you sit down beside him and you don't waste any time launching into your speech. You don't even look at him.

"Look." You start, keeping your head faced forwards, chest tight, "I'm going to make this quick and simple so you can get it through that thick skull of yours."

"You didn't see me at all over the summer, got it? Nothing happened. In fact, as far as you're concerned, we've never even spoken."

[gamemaker kelsier]

b e n j i .

"you are weak
but not foolish
you have learned
how to die."

It's a strange sort of heaviness that settles slowly just below his ribs at two in the afternoon. The sensation isn't new, he's been disappointed before. Benji didn't know what he'd been expecting, Scarlet to just walk around a corner and loop her arm through his?

"Come on you grump, I've got something for you," she'd say and drag him somewhere for the afternoon like she always did.

She was dead. All this pining for a dead girl was just going to make him sick, so he'd thrown his hat on other stands.

Afternoon sun fell on him and he tilted his head back in an effort to catch their weak warmth. Summer would be ending soon and it would be autumn then. Winters always felt too long. He didn't like the way snow and slush took over the district and spring always took too long to come again.

For a first day back, it really hadn't been so terrible. There was the assembly that had gone on for far too long and then homeroom which had been boring. His classes had been interesting enough though and then, of course, his free period had gone better than he'd thought it might. The only thing that was unnerving him was the underclassman that had been following him around since assembly.

Benji didn't know what he was after or who had sent him. It could be any number of people, even Stella was somewhere near the top of that list. He'd been easy enough to lose around lunch, no one really wanted to be in the vicinity of Cleo. He'd been followed again soon after. A bench, out in the open air of the quad just seemed like the best place to wait for his pursuer.

It didn't take long.

Grady came striding across the lawn and Benji felt a small flicker of interest. He hadn't spoken to the other boy since the summer. He can still taste the blackberry liquor on his tongue and the way that it'd made him a bit more undone than usual. Grady had been there, going off about something between Parker and him. Benji had listened, waited. He didn't know what Grady wanted off him then, what he was supposed to say. Stella wanted him to make friends but Benji had never really been one for that.

Usually, people wanted just one thing anyway.

So he'd kissed Grady, pulled him close against him by the hip and pressed his lips against his. Grady had tasted like the blackberry liquor and a trace of mint from his toothpaste.

Then Grady had gone and Benji had sat on the balcony railing and watched kids spill out onto the lawn below until Stella came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his chest. "Don't jump," she'd teased.

He hadn't considered it.

Grady got straight to the point.

It was rare for Benji to get angry but he did get annoyed often enough and Grady was annoying him then. He understood the games that the students around him played but he'd never considered himself part of them and he had no intention of joining in. "Grady," he acknowledged his presence, "I have no idea what you're on about, you look ill, perhaps you should go and see the nurse."

[tick 12a / calla]

"You look ill," he says, and your head snaps to the side almost comically.

You gape at Benji, eyes wide, because whatever you expected, a returning threat maybe, a demand even, this isn't that. The lack of a script sets you a little more on edge. You're suddenly in open waters, not entirely sure on who's calling the shots anymore.

"You-" You stutter out, making it halfway through one incredulous thought before another hits you like a train. And then another, and another, too fast to comprehend as your usual tricks don't work and you're left sitting there floundering. Maybe you had just expected him to be like everyone else at this stupid school and roll over for you immediately, belly up and ready to take any bribe you offered him.

But you're too used to backstabbing and betrayals to just get up and walk away now. His breeziness almost makes you annoyed, like he doesn't even care, but it has to be some kind of bluff, or a fake out or something. He has to be toying with you.

And you guess you do have to admit - you didn't really think he had it in him.

You'd be impressed if you weren't so paranoid.

Maybe he's better at the game than you gave him credit for. You underestimated him, perhaps, and you won't be making the same mistake twice now. Fool you once.

Because you didn't go to that party looking to pick a fight with Parker, just like you didn't go looking to make out with Benji. The world has a funny way of screwing you over time and time again. That night was no different.

It's not even that he kissed you, because you know that you could've pushed him off and spit in his face and started a plan to ruin his life if you really wanted to. But you were frustrated and confused and you kissed him back. And you don't know why.

(You do.)

You feel like your veins fill up with gasoline whenever you think about it too long. It leaves you jumpy and uncomfortable and more than a little testy. The sooner this is all over with the better, you think, because then you can both go back to your separate never-entwined lives and forget that anything ever happened. Preferably before anyone gets suspicious.

"What do you want?" You ask him shortly, lowering your voice, "Cash? Alcohol? Drugs? I can get access to anything off-campus."

[gamemaker kelsier]

b e n j i .

"you are weak
but not foolish
you have learned
how to die."

It was delicious to see Grady Sullivan speechless for at least a moment. Benji gazed across the quad as he sputtered beside him. Nothing like the sound of a dying fish to accentuate the otherwise peaceful afternoon.

Benji wasn't a spurned lover.

Grady wanting to erase that kiss wasn't hurtful, just laughable. It had happened, what was the point, he wondered, in pretending that it hadn't. He might as well try drawing the air he'd just breathed back into his lungs.

He glanced at Grady, maybe part of him feeling bad for causing stress. He could be taking it all a bit personally he supposed but he'd never had an unhappy customer before. The kiss hadn't been bad, at least he didn't think so. No one had ever complained about it before until Grady. Could it be that he was experiencing a moment of damaged pride?

After a moment of consideration, he decided that Grady was in the wrong and that teasing him was acceptable. He could afford to be taken down a peg or two and it wouldn't cost him much. Grady, for all of his assets, only seemed to be able to offer one thing to people and that was money.

"It's funny you think that you can buy me, Sullivan" Benji said casually, "You forget, you're not the only one who comes from money." Perhaps not the same amount that Grady did, but Benji'scame from a long line of Doctors and Scientists, he'd never wanted for anything growing up and he'd never had to worry.

"Perhaps I just want another one," he said with a lazy grin, "I don't think I have to spell it out for you."

Half-teasing, he had no idea what he was doing. It wasn't as if he expected Grady to take the bait, it was more like he wanted to see his reaction. A thrill ran through him, maybe this was why his classmates were so insistent on playing games, it was pretty fun. Besides, he'd just had Cleo, might as well go for the set.

[tick 12a / calla]

You're almost insulted when he turns down your money.

Almost.

It's something new at least. It isn't very often that that card doesn't work, especially in a status starving place like Salvatore. With a somewhat sinking feeling, you wonder how big of a mistake you've truly made. You've underestimated Benji Rowland, very much so, and you think that maybe if you had spent even a sliver of your time paying attention to him last year, you wouldn't be in this mess.

Maybe it's because you were so focused on Stella and her deal that you didn't have the energy to deal with her other half. You know from experience that she's exhausting enough.

But with Benji, the truth is you didn't even care enough to make an effort. He couldn't really offer you anything, so there was no point. You just looked at him and saw the cold colour of ice, that blue tinged white that felt freezing from even ten feet away.

He opens his mouth again and you feel that cold sink into you like claws.

"I'm not gay." You hiss immediately, twisting on the bench to look at him fully.

Maybe it's because it's the first time you've said it - the first time you even came close to letting yourself think about it, but the words make your stomach do some kind of strange swooping motion and you suddenly feel so very nauseous.

Every fibre of your being tells you to run.

You reach for your mask and come up empty, and it feels a little like you're drowning now, scrabbling for purchase on a too-slippery surface. You're too close to him, sitting here, and the longer you sit there in icy shock, the more apparent it becomes. You can already hear the whispers, filtering through the air and coming at you in all directions and there are suddenly so many people in the courtyard that it's suffocating.

Fifty different scenarios flit through your mind, two dozen ways you can ruin Benji's life before he can ruin yours. You know you can do it if you're quick enough - destroy his reputation enough that no one will even believe him. You tried being nice, you tried bribing him, and you're patience is wearing so thing that there isn't much else you can do.

"If you say anything," You say lowly, trying not to get into his space but having no other choice, "I will turn this whole school against you, understand?"

You'll turn out just like your little girlfriend, you want to say, and you don't quite know what holds your tongue. You can't acknowledge what happened to Scarlet, just like you can't acknowledge the part you played in her downfall. You're above whatever happened last year, pointing fingers away from yourself because the heavy guilt from the party makes the back of your neck sweat.

And it's preying on you tenfold now, every little anxiety coming back to the surface and crushing you. Maybe you'll fuck with Benji's life anyways, just because he dared to talk to you like this. Just because he dared to make you feel.