what a perfect day for crying! || beck & ky blitz

[[nyte]]

Every time he wakes up with a hangover, Beck remembers exactly why drinking is a terrible idea. Just his shallow breaths send a sharp pain radiating down the back of his skull, tongue dry and tasting of stale liquor. He's fully clothed - which is a blessing because he'd have to seriously consider diving headfirst off the roof if he woke up next to a stuffy Capitolite. The night is a haze of silver barbed wire, memories viewed through metal. It hurts too much to focus on the specifics though an overwhelming sense of macabre still hangs stagnant in his gut.

Or maybe that's the mystery meal he's throwing up into the toilet not a moment later.

And it's pathetic he almost hopes he's made a fool of himself if only to alleviate some of the world's weight on his shoulders. It's too optimistic to hope that he'd be allowed to fade into obscurity now that that girl has won, but at least he can retreat into the shadows and begin to treat the burns left by his personal spotlight.

Beck's hangover is one one of many, a mere tally in the probably record breaking number of bad decisions made yesterday. Finales do bring out the best in people.

(At least, Beck Hailsham is better off after his.)

Of all the potential company this shitty, shitty morning he can only think of one other person who might be feeling even worse than he. That's why, after he's cleaned up and shrugged on the last of his unsoiled clothes, he's hesitating outside of Ky Earnest's bedroom door with a shit ton of contraband shoved in his pockets. Capitolites find themselves deaf and blind when faced with an offering of power to exploit. It's not hard to get what he needs here.

Everyone had seen that stupid blog post by now - Beck had seriously considered breaking the tablet the Capitol had provided but decided he'd rather be tortured for something meaningful, like treason. Ky's not that much younger than him but there's something about that naive glint in his eye that makes Beck nervous. Like if he doesn't at least try to protect him, he's responsible for what happens when Ky finally breaks.

And break he will.

He gathers up his courage and strikes the door with his heel four or five times, groaning as his head lurches in protest. It occurs to him after he's sitting on the foot of Ky's bed and tugging at his comforter that he should have waited for him to answer.

"Get up, Ky, we're getting fucked up."

This might not be what they need right now, but at least its something more than nothing.

[gamemaker kelsier]

k y .

"Your heart keeps breaking
in the same place
Something has to change
Something has to change"

Capitol technology has him on his feet sooner than he'd like, they let him out of the hospital two nights ago. It's hardly a privilege, he's at the forefront of people's minds once again. He hasn't said a word to Opal yet, nor she to him because all that's left to talk about is how he did the one thing she warned him not to do. Maybe it's his prerogative as her son to fuck himself over though, maybe it's just a family curse.

Whatever it is, he lay in the dark last night and watched the news, some girl's blog post apparently newsworthy. The footage of Emmett there, on top of him in the silence of the security camera, is everyone's favourite treat. It's on every channel he flips through and now there is probably no one left in Panem who doesn't know his business. All he can think about is how fucking stupid he is, how even though he thinks he's so grown, he's still just a dumb kid.

So he stays in bed all day, blanket wrapped up around him with a nightstand full of painkillers he's supposed to take for the remnants of pain in his hand and chest. They've set all his fingers back into place, his palm bears a semi-healed scar and though he's still a patchwork of bruises, it's not that bad anymore, he can live with the pain.

He isn't so sure how to live with himself, the one thing he promised Emmett would stay just theirs was leaked in a matter of days. He failed to make him feel loved and failed to protect him in the only way that he should have been able to. Despite it all though, he's grateful for the footage, grateful that he has something to look at, to remember him by.

He falls asleep sometime in the morning, eyes falling shut somewhere between twilight and sunrise. He dreams about Emmett faced away from him, moving away without even moving at all and never looking back. It's odd because Ky never saw him go, he was just gone when he woke up on the ground of the Thirteenth floor.

Then there's Beck's voice, insistent tugging. Ky clutches at his duvet but the folding motion makes his hand sting and Beck wins it, pulling his blanket down. He moans quietly, eyes squeezed shut as he does his best to stay asleep.

"Beck," he whines, "Just leave me here to die, what the fuck." He tosses a pillow, aimed approximately at where Beck probably is at the end of his bed.

"Why are you even up?"

[[nyte]]

No one's prepared for the mobs. They shamble like starved men, desperate to pick at your most exposed pieces as though those taste the sweetest. Their tongues are like razors, sharp enough to draw blood but not so much that it won't hurt like hell when they drag it across your throat. Once they've got a hold on you it doesn't matter who you really are, only who they've managed to carve you into. When he looks at Ky, he can see the monster they've made him out to be. Nothing can be sacred when all eyes cast you in sin.

A pillow thuds against his temple, causing the world to tilt on its axis. It seems the path of least resistance is to fall with it - so he does - landing next to Ky with a dramatic groan. "Dick." He shoves him, harder than he has to, before rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. This early in the morning the constellations probably linger, clinging to the periwinkle horizon out of sheer force of will.

People like Beck and Ky weren't anywhere near that resilient. He wants to tell him he understands, that he's so fucking sorry all of this has happened. He wants to promise he can make it better.

But Beck doesn't have those words. He doesn't even have the strength to act like he does.

"Stop being a baby, you need to keep moving," He says, while staying in place. He's never claimed he's not a hypocrite. Of course he thinks Ky's a fool for loving so deeply and completely but he'd have to know what it's like to be in love to cast that first stone.

Maybe he's a bit jealous and that's why those words sound so fucking callous.

"I wouldn't be here without a plan and I'm not leaving until I get my way."

It would be nice to possess some form of tact or eloquence, but Beck's never been a greedy man.

[gamemaker kelsier]

k y .

"Your heart keeps breaking
in the same place
Something has to change
Something has to change"

Beck's the only one who doesn't look at him like he's a piece of broken pottery and honest to god, without him, maybe Ky would be insane by now. He can't look his mom in the eye because he just sees her guilt, can't look at Katelyn because she doesn't know what to say to him but he can always count on Beck to be normal.

Ky knows that it's not, that everything he touches crumbles and he just can't seem to do things right but Beck doesn't seem to care about that. For some reason, he just keeps showing up no matter what has happened and that's a precious thing.

But it's got a time limit, in a matter of days they'll both be headed out in separate carriages on the train to wait another year before seeing each other again. Ky doesn't really know what he'll do without Beck there to call him a Dick.

The pain in his side ricochets through his chest and Ky has to take a moment to breathe before being able to respond. "Not like I didn't just get out of the hospital," he says, a note of annoyance in his voice. But he still prefers it to careful touches and hushed voices, he doesn't know how much more pity he can take.

Ky props himself up on his elbows slowly, bedhead prevalent and drool on his pillow. "I'm not being a baby," he protested, realizing belatedly just how much that makes him sound like a baby, "I'm just... It's a lot out there."

But getting fucked up does sound kind of good right now.

"What's the plan then, Captain," he asked as he tossed his covers over Beck's head, "Lay it on me." He stands then slowly, body creaking and feeling a bit less than usual, "Better be good."

[[nyte]]

This seems so familiar. Memories stun him for a moment, looking up at Ky though the hazy halo of hangover and sleep deprivation. His hair hangs over his temples in a tangled nest, stark against skin gone pale with pain. Something affectionate clings to his lips, growing into a smile he can't quite suppress. For a moment it's like he's back in Hailsham - back when it wasn't all bad days. Like maybe if he walks out that door he'll run straight into Juno still clad in their footie-pajamas and they'll walk to breakfast together so he can flick bits of cereal at Wade.

Not all of them are dead, but enough are that he might as well have lost them all. There's no taking back those golden mornings, not when so many bodies lie between them. He'd taken his victory because that meant survival, but it had taken everything else from him.

It wasn't until this moment, staring up at Ky and biting back a comment about how ugly he looks in the mornings, that he felt how lonely he'd made himself. He hadn't dared to have another friend, not when he'd lost so many already. Even Lorenzo was safely kept at an arm's length, all the way in District Ten. He's almost glad when Ky throws the blanket over his head so that he may not catch the fondness overwhelming his expression.

"Breaking and entering. Drugs." He sits up blindly, pulling his head through the blanket but keeping it bunched around his shoulders. Armor against this sudden vulnerability. He finds it hard to hide his emotions without a little help these days, something about near death experiences.

He stands up, tripping over the tails of the blanket and trying to hide that as gracefully as he can manage. There's a mansion he'd found, wandering along the Capitol streets at an ungodly hour in another desperate attempt to fight off exhaustion. Of course Beck can now count himself among the insanely wealthy but Capitol greed was another beast. It sat, solemn on a lakefront. Overly intricate and completely abandoned.

Was there such thing as spare mansions?

Anyway, it seems like a safe place to smoke, away from prying eyes. They both needed that right now. "Basically, Opal would kill me a thousand times over for it. Good enough?" He raises his brow in challenge, whipping the blanket toward Ky with a flourish.

Oh god, it feels so good to laugh.

[gamemaker kelsier]

k y .

"Your heart keeps breaking
in the same place
Something has to change
Something has to change"

He doesn't need the mirror to tell him how ugly he looks with faded bruises that dot his complexion but it does anyway, the cowardly thing. Ky runs a hand through his hair in it, fingers doing their best to flatten unwashed strands but they stick up a bit anyway. He's not the only one who looks like shit. Beck appears like he hasn't slept in three days and honest to god, he probably hasn't. Ky's few hours don't really add up either and even though he's just left his bed, he can already hear it calling him back.

How easy it would be to just lay in bed all day.

Then he thinks of his mother, the door shut and the sounds of the television leaking out and he shudders. He can't do that, he won't be like how she was, just laying in the dark. The thought makes him feel guilty, it isn't fair to judge that but he can't help it when it's his worst fear. Maybe it's her fault anyway for making him so afraid of ending up like that.

He's a terrible son.

"You sure do know how to sell it, Beck," he says and stares at his friend through the mirror. He looks so small all bundled up in his duvet and Ky can't help but feel a surge of affection for him. A year ago he never would have guessed that Beck and he would be just hanging out like this but he's grateful. He's finally made a real friend, one that won't hold him just out of reach or coddle him. Ky feels like an equal.

So he runs a wet towel over his face and gargles some mouthwash to get the sand out of his mouth. If getting out of the training centre is on the agenda then he's in. Opal's busy off being a good Mentor somewhere and he'll hopefully be back before she is in any way, if she isn't spending one of her last few nights with Katelyn. He can't blame her for that if she is, he gets it. He'd kill for one more night.

A smile blooms as he turns just in time to watch Beck trip a little on his blanket. Maybe he should be more worried about him, this can't be healthy for either of them but he's tired of being the serious one, the party pooper. What's the difference between weed and the morphing pills they sent home with him anyway, one's just a little bit more like contraband.

Ky lets the blanket hit him in the side, laughter falling just as fast and then slips bare feet into sneakers. "Works for me, she'll be too busy murdering you to get mad at me, right?" he says before scrawling a note onto his bedroom door's interface with one finger.

'don't worry, out w/beck'

On second though, he erases 'w/beck' and changes it to 'w/teddy' because whose going to worry about the Golden Victor?

"Cool, I'm ready," he says and kicks Beck lightly in the ass with the side of his foot.

[[nyte]]

Really, truly, Beck is saving Ky from growing up with a stick in his ass. At least, that's what he tells himself as he leads the younger boy out of the training center and into the sleepy Capitol streets. Morning chill assaults him, soaking into his lungs as he struggles to catch his breath and - shit - he needs to stop smoking so much.

He'll never get used to the sheer size of this place. The Capitol spans an infinite landscape, skyscrapers climbing so high into the sky they're swallowed by clouds. He can't make out the end of this block, let alone the city itself. Fresh scents of baked bread and melted chocolate mingle with the more sour odor of sewage and trash. "I'd rather not get killed." He quips, arm slung around Ky's shoulder because he feels safer with him in his line of sight.

It'd be a shame if he got the shit beat out of him twice in one week. Not that Beck has a stellar record when it comes to protecting the things he loves. Today's not a day to think about her, though, so he merely walks faster.

He's always running from memories.

"You know none if it's your fault right?" He doesn't meet Ky's eyes as he speaks, eyes fixed upon some unknown spectacle laid out in front of them. "It's stupid, isn't it? Love isn't that strong." Syllables full of spite, venom dribbling down his chin as he continues on, "People act like it can move mountains but that's bullshit. You ever met one person that's happily in love?"

He's learned its a visceral thing, full of regrets and maybes. It ends, because it always does, and you're left blaming yourself because that's easier than hating them.

"You didn't kill him, Ky. The Capitol did."

Just like them to shift the blame.

[gamemaker kelsier]

k y .

"Your heart keeps breaking
in the same place
Something has to change
Something has to change"

Part of him is afraid of every single alley that they walk past. It's too early in the morning for the Capitol's goons to be lurking but that doesn't stop Ky from tensing up a little as they pass by the mouth of each one.

But maybe he welcomes it too because in the end, it wasn't that bad, his brain's already blocked out the memory and all that's left is an unhelpful fog. Let them come again, he thinks into a cocktail of 'maybe I deserved it.' He sinks a little, the paved streets ready to eat him alive when Beck slings an arm around his neck and tugs him in close.

"I'll protect you, Beck," he says grimly while a smile plays at his lips. What they're about to do is wrong, he knows that. His mom would be disappointed if she found out. Maybe that'd be a good thing though, maybe she would stop killing herself to protect him because Ky doesn't want it. He doesn't want her tears anymore.

He leans into him a little bit, grateful for some sort of camaraderie in a city where everyone else is too afraid to touch him. They think he might break, he knows that and knows that Beck probably does too. He can't blame them for it, he's almost ready to. Sometimes it feels like he's walking through water.

"You know you didn't kill him, right?"

"Yeah."

He does technically, sort of like how yes, the tide will always come back in because it does, it always does. Even when it's low as hell out in the bay and hard to see, the tide will come back in and nothing that Ky did could have killed Emmett. His heart doesn't know it though, his heart says that he should have controlled the tide, made it stop but he didn't, he failed him.

"But I don't think that matters."

He gazes down the street at all the closed shops that won't be opening until much later in the day, if at all. Everyone's preparing to celebrate Victor Lysander Mae's crowning. Ky has nothing to celebrate, district Five took both of their tributes.

"My mom's in love," he agrees, "Didn't keep her safe though, didn't keep me safe either." Beck is probably right about it, all of it seems like such a waste of time. Maybe he'll never fall in love again, it seems easier to just be alone, be cold.

He's afraid to hurt again.

"It's okay, I think I'm done with all of that, you know?" he says and grins at Beck, "Just sucks I found Emmett too late." The Capitol starts to wake up more around them, there's even another soul out on the street and Ky can't stop smiling. He's so afraid he wants to throw up but he's never let that stop him. The sun feels good on his skin and after laying in bed for a near week, it's just what he needs. Leave it to Beck to always find him at his worst and deal with him anyway.

"You know what, I don't care what they say, you're pretty alright, Beck," he teases.

[[nyte]]

They reach the mansion as Beck stews over how he should respond. In spite of the bright smiles his friend wears, they only serve to convince him Ky is utterly broken in a way Beck doesn't know how to fix. "Big talk for a seventeen year old." He finally says, the taste of kind words still leaving a foul taste in his mouth from the moment before. "Stop sounding like you've given up or I'll push you in the ocean, dude." That's better. Beck doesn't regret telling him, but isn't exactly eager to dwell on the topic. Knowing the Capitol is a shithole doesn't make it any easier to live in. He risks dredging up foul memories the more comfort he offers.

"And now I show you I'm just as much trouble as everyone says I am." He presses a finger to his lips and winks conspiratorially, dropping to one knee in front of the Mansion's door. It's not a simple lock, but Beck's spent far too long carrying out this half-baked plot to back down now. His brow furrows in concentration, sinking into a comfortable silence as he works the lockpicks into bronze keyhole stained platinum.

Sometimes he gets tired of treading water, always on the precipice of drowning in this opulence. Coating his hands in gold dust and rolling around in the mud like he used to back in Hailsham is kind of nice. He doesn't spend a lot of time wondering what they must think of him now, but it's probably pretty funny. From emaciated rebel to hypocrite king - a shadow draped in gold silk. Do they hate him for trying to forget them? Are they proud?

He shakes off the ghosts with the click of a lock.

"That's harder than I remember." He looks over his shoulder a couple of times before slipping into the foyer and gesturing for his companion to follow suit. Beck's not an absolute asshole all of the time. He does his best to avoid the more expensive pieces of furniture as he crashes through the house. It's typical Capitol fodder - probably belongs to a millionaire currently getting hammered in a penthouse and bemoaning the fact he's not a billionaire.

He leads Ky out into the backyard, an expanse of emerald bushes near swallowing the vibrant array of tropical flowers nestled within them and, of course, a personal pond large enough to be a lake. (Beck's really gotta get over his fear of water because it seems to want to follow him everywhere.) It's a sight to behold, something that even the wealthiest in District One was not worthy of. That's why he steps out onto the dock, folding his legs beneath him and lighting a cigarette.

He exhales defiance.

"If you're brave enough, join me."

[gamemaker kelsier]

k y .

"Your heart keeps breaking
in the same place
Something has to change
Something has to change"

He knows that he's lucky in a sense. Who else has ever been allowed to feel so much in such a short span of time but a Victor? The valleys of sorrow and the peaks of joy that have made up his path in the last couple weeks seem all too treacherous but here he is, parading around the Capitol slightly battered but alive. Not for the first time, he wonders how Beck can like him anyway.

He's never paid his fees to be here and yet he is.

A mansion blooms before them and Beck stops, evidently, they're here. Ky feels nervous again but in a good way. There's something so good and filling about doing something he's not supposed to, maybe it's because he's spent so much of his life being so good.

"You push me in the ocean, I'm dragging you down with me," he says, that same smile on his lips, "We're in this together right?" He hip checks Beck lightly, a strange euphoria rising within him. Or maybe it's not strange, the joy he feels from being around Beck. He's a friend, someone who truly wants to be with him and not because he's a curiosity. He feels stupid that it still feels fresh to him.

"If you're trouble, I'm trouble."

Ky leans against the wall and watches Beck work at the lock. He looks up the street to make sure that no one was watching them but much like the rest of the Capitol, this area is asleep too. He doesn't feel bad about this, he knows he should. Capitolites feel less like people and more like performers, creatures from storybooks almost. This doesn't feel like breaking and entering into someone's home.

"Looked like you got it easily enough to me," he said as they slip inside. It's tacky right off the bat. Gold plating and paint on anything that can take it and paintings covered by silken sheets line the walls. Each piece of furniture under plastic drop clothes screams opulence and this is just a spare home, not even the main one. If Ky just took a single candlestick and gave it to Blaze, she could probably feed herself for a few months.

He isn't impressed by the splendour, just sort of horrified that people live like this.

Beck leads him out to a backyard that he has to admit is beautiful. Whoever was in charge of it obviously still worked on it despite the empty house. Perfectly trimmed bushes protect an array of tropical plants that shouldn't be able to thrive in this climate but do.

Ky stops to study a bloom and by the time he looks up again, Beck is smoking on a small dock. The water is clear, ki fish swim amongst reeds and it's peaceful. He rises to Beck's challenge and joins him on the dock, legs folding with some work beneath him. He plucks the cigarette from Beck's fingers to steal a drag but smoking a joint is way different than a dart and the smoke is far worse than he thought it would be.

"God, that's garbage," he says and hands it back to Beck, "Why would you choose to smoke that? other than you know, the self-hatred." He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a breath mint for emphasis.

Ky pops the breath mint in his mouth and lays back on the dock, letting himself settle before trying to speak. He can feel every movement so well, every sore piece of him yelling out at a different time.

"Do you think you'll ever do it?" he asks, "I guess that's vague, I mean do you think you'll love someone again?"