erase the pain. kopal

[charade]

k a t e l y n .

"I pretend, I pretend
I pretend 'til I bend and bend
'Til I’m broken
Are you broken?"

Both of district one’s careers had died on the same day. Within minutes of each other. They hadn’t been fighters, not the way Jade Morin had been the year before. Katelyn could only wonder what fresh horrors they would visit upon Opal for that. Or, would they not care as much? Were such weak tributes not even considered victor material? Would they rather a ruthless tribute like the girl from four take the crown?

Katelyn paused in rolling the dough in front of her. Delroy Wickersham had given her food for thought and she saw something. Something that she didn’t like. When had she started to view tributes from other districts the same way as the Capitol? How long had she seen them as obstacles to be maneuvered around instead of the children they were? When had she stopped pretending to play the game and had fully become a part of it. And with that, a cascade of questions assailed her mind, each one cutting a little deeper.

Was working within the confines of the role she was given a betrayal of everything she had once claimed to stand for? At what point did acceptance of one’s lot in life become complacency? They were thoughts she hadn’t entertained in some time. It was easier not to. But because it was easier, did that make it wrong. The cookie dough in front of her was left untouched as she set the rolling pin aside and placed her hands on the counter.

Had she given up on what she believed in? Had she convinced herself that what she was doing meant something when it meant nothing at all? Had she become so focused on the traumatic experiences of her past that she could only wait for the future to happen to her instead of making it? Was what she was doing, her little defiance’s; did they mean anything? She’d been broken during the quell. Reminded that she was a pawn in someone else’s game. But she was playing the game willingly. Out of fear for those she cared about.

Were there things she ignored because it was more convenient? Even if she felt she had paid her dues, was it right? Katelyn gathered up the dough and put it away, before taking off her apron and hanging it up. Was she going about everything all wrong? Was there more she could be doing? She headed to Opal’s apartment with those thoughts bouncing around her head. And when the door opened, there she was, that sunbeam that broke through the stormy grey clouds that surrounded her.

“Hey, honey.” She said softly, pulling Opal into a hug. It had been difficult to procure sponsors for her tributes, but she’d anticipated that. It was clear that the Capitol did not want tributes with such problematic views to win. She kissed the top of Opal’s head and held her tightly. What would it be like, she wondered, to have a life and a relationship that was not colored by anything pertaining to the games? Why was it so hard to hold a conversation without the games creeping in? Without death.

It was hard. Because even in the midst of what her life had become, she found ways to have peace. Even joy. But she never expected one of her tributes to make her feel guilty for finding some comfort in an uncaring world. To make her feel like she was one of the bad guys by association when all she’d ever tried to do was help.

“Opal,” she murmured. “Can we talk?”

elegant

[cass]

o p a l .

"Yeah, I've met your demons, but they do not scare me
I know they'll be angels once they learn to fly
I've seen all your seasons, your cold February
I know you'll be blooming in a matter of time"

They were dead, two tributes lost one after the other. Opal sighed, leaning into the couch as she drew the glass of whiskey up to her lips. She took a sip, closing her eyes as the silence in the room echoed. There was no point in following the rest of the fights, it was over, another year where she would be returning with no new victor- only two caskets. Neither of the tributes had really tugged on her heart strings, they’d been aloof, refusing to interact with anyone but each other and the frenzied relationship that had burst between them explained why.

She hoped that at least they had the chance to have some fun before they were killed. She took another draw, draining the glass as she pulled herself from the couch cushions. It had been a massacre, four other tributes working together to murder the two careers, a tactic Opal hadn’t seen for a very long time. It seemed almost perplexing, there had been much bigger threats in the arena, hell even in that fight. The air that the district one teenagers had given off had been one of indifference, no real bloodlust or desire to confront others. But then, it had always been that way, a target on your back because of where they came from.

The bottle of whiskey was almost empty, Opal placed the cup in the sink, draining the last few droplets straight into her mouth before tossing the bottle in the recycling bin. The apartment felt large and empty, it was a feeling she couldn’t really escape. It followed her all the way back to district one, stuck in a house with more rooms then she cared to have. Her time in district eleven had only forced that emptiness to flourish as she was swallowed by a district that felt livelier and more familiar then one had ever been.

There was something unforgettable about seeing the way Vasco’s face had lit up when she’d handed him a bunch of flowers. The embrace that had followed had left her feeling lost, a sense of aching for more as she’d watched district eleven disappear on the train ride home. She missed it, and the comfort it bought with it. Part of her was ready to let her mentoring position go, handing the reigns fully over to Ridley (definitely not Justice) and retiring.

Olivia was sure to disapprove of that idea, but with Ky no longer reaping age it was a risk she was contemplating. The reality of her life and what she was becoming was settling in. She’d spent night after night staring at the space her finger had been, knowing that no matter what she chose or did they’d find some way to punish her. She had no power; she was a pawn in this game and if Olivia decided to kill Ky tomorrow, she could do nothing to stop it.

Opal opened up her liquor cabinet, gaze flickering over the assortment of bottles as she pondered what to drink next. She’d grown bored of the whiskey, but spirits had a way of filling in the broken pieces in a way nothing else really could. She pursed her lips before reaching in and grabbing the bottle of vodka from the back corner.

There was a knock at the door and Opal froze, hesitating for a moment before letting the bottle go and opening the door to reveal Katelyn. Her worry seemed to fade in that one moment, the warmth of Katelyn’s embrace washing away her thoughts as they hugged. When Katelyn pulled back Opal found her hand, pulling her further into the apartment as she closed the door behind her partner. Katelyn looked deep in thought, face tight as though she couldn’t quite piece together whatever it was she was wrestling with. Opal tugged them to the couch, pulling Katelyn down beside her as she tilted her head, concern knitting her brows.

“Of course,” she said, chest tight with uncertainty, “what’s wrong?”

elegant

[charade]

k a t e l y n .

"I pretend, I pretend
I pretend 'til I bend and bend
'Til I’m broken
Are you broken?"

What was wrong? Everything was wrong. She was a hamster running on a wheel. Year after year. It was a race that had no finish line. This endless drudgery of death and tributes ahead of her. What was it that Delroy said? Something about asking yourself whether or not her life was worth what she was going through to have it? She’d brushed it off at the time, but it had slowly grown in the corner of her mind.

She’d only recently learned to put herself first and Delroy, a young tribute with dreams and ideals that far outstripped his patience had gotten her thinking that she was in the wrong for that. She put her an arm around Opal’s waist as they sat down on the couch and tried to explain without going into it too deeply.

While she could tell that Opal wasn’t as affected by the loss of her tributes as she had been during the quell, she didn’t want to bring her own tributes into the conversation. Even if Delroy had sparked this. He was right, she thought. She spent a lot of time waiting for things to happen and reacted accordingly. That wasn’t living. That was performing like an actress.

“I just—“

Katelyn wrung her hands together. “You don’t judge me. You never have.” She loved her for it. “You’re special, kind and caring and a dozen other things.” How to describe someone like Opal Earnest? How to describe a woman who raised others up, even as the rest of the world ripped her to pieces? The two of them, comets drifting through a starry expanse, fingertips touching for a moment and then dancing away again into the night.

Passing each other by time and again.

Two broken souls colliding in spectacular fashion, on different trains but riding the same track.

“And me, I worry so much. About you. About my friends. The future. I can’t remember the last time I just sat down and breathed.” A lie of omission maybe. She could breathe around Opal, could let time slow down as the seconds crystallized like amber. She could breathe, whether it was laughing into the crisp night air as they went for a walk or gasping between tangled sheets.

How to describe Opal? Too good for her, too damn good. Katelyn turned to look at her, those eyebrows knit in concern. Opal’s lips and jawline close enough to touch, to taste. No one else unmade her like this. Maybe no one else ever could. “But—I don’t; I don’t want what I worry about to define me. Not anymore.”

“Opal,” she said it almost apologetically, her voice wavering; the woman deserved better than a victor that spent most of her time locked in her own head. Better than her. There were tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. The whole thing had to be a mistake. Why was she so bad at this?

It had been a long, long time since she’d put her fate in her own hands instead of letting someone else give her a push. She reached into her pocket and took out a small box, slowly getting down on one knee. It had been a long time coming. Too long.

“Opal,” she repeated, flicking the box open to reveal a ring. A dazzling opal with tiny diamonds set around it. A symbol of something more. Something she hoped she was right about. “You’ve always been there for me. And I—I want to always be there for you." It was the most hope she’d let herself feel since the moment Margaret’s canon had fired, and the most vulnerable she'd ever been.

"Will you—will you marry me?”

elegant

[cass]

o p a l .

"Yeah, I've met your demons, but they do not scare me
I know they'll be angels once they learn to fly
I've seen all your seasons, your cold February
I know you'll be blooming in a matter of time"

Opal wasn’t entirely sure where this conversation was heading, but she was intimately familiar with the worry that drove Katelyn into a panic every year. It was the way Katelyn was, a part of her personality that Opal had accepted and cherished. She appreciated and respected the undying devotion Katelyn had to those around her, where Opal was frail and at breaking point, Katelyn managed to rise up and stand tall and face her demons.

The bottle of vodka sitting in the cabinet behind them made her chest ache, thinking about the comfort her body sought through the liquid. She knew where it had all fallen apart, knew why she had landed in this spot and she didn’t need to reach out or seek help, there wasn’t anyone that could help. It was the simple reality of her life- of a victor’s life.

She found herself drawn towards the conversation once more, shoving aside her own inhibitions as Katelyn breathed, speaking her name as if it could wash away all the worries in her pretty head. It wavered, fragile in a way that spoke of the vulnerable parts of Katelyn that she protected from the world. This was the woman she had spent the past decade chasing after, one step behind her as she tried to keep up with her brilliant light. This was the woman she had seen between takes of the bachelorette, overcome by her nightmares, carrying one another home as they left bars in the Capitol.

This was the first person she had allowed herself to fall in love with after Potato.

Her breath was caught in her throat, fingers tight and digging into the couch as she watched Katelyn drop to one knee. Her fingers worked at a box she pulled from her pocket, flicking it open to reveal an opal ring circled by diamonds. Opal stared, fingers straying from the ring and back to Katelyn’s face as she took it all in. The space where her ring finger had once stood burned, a reminder that she could never wear a ring there again- a moment, a decision stolen from her by Olivia.

She was staring at Potato as he asked him to marry her, standing on top of the training centre, staring into the eyes of the man she had wanted to spend the rest of her life with. What happened if she said yes and something happened to Katelyn? She’d spent ten years trying to piece together the idea that one day she might be strong enough to vow to spend the rest of her life with another. You were only supposed to get that chance once in your lifetime, but that had been stolen days after she had promised to look after him.

What if she couldn’t take care of Katelyn? What if she couldn’t stop Olivia from hurting her? She hadn’t been able to protect her husband, she couldn’t protect Ky. She couldn’t make that promise again, it was one she wouldn’t be able to keep. The taste of whiskey was heavy on her tongue as she tried to form the right words to say. Her eyes prickled, and she fought vainly to prevent them from spilling over. But they came, unrelenting as the image of Katelyn vanished beneath the tears, she tried to blink them away, wiping at her eyes with her hands.

“I want to be there for you, for the rest of my life, Katelyn,” Opal sniffled, wiping at her eyes as she tried to stop the tears from falling. She gave Katelyn a weak smile, trying to force some humour into her words, but they broke, voice cracking, “I don’t have the best track record with marriages, and I’m so scared and I won’t be able to protect you or keep you safe. I couldn’t keep him safe, I can’t even keep Ky safe.”

She fell to the ground beside Katelyn, knees sinking into carpet as she leaned forwards, hands on her partners shoulders. “I want to marry you, I want to spend every day by your side, but I don’t want to disappoint you or fail you. I- I can’t promise-“

She thought of Potato’s lifeless eyes, her name on his lips as he’d lay dying in the dirt. She thought of Ky’s broken body promising her that it wasn’t her fault that they’d destroyed him. Of the images of Ky kissing Emmett circulating throughout the Capitol, and the terrible and cruel articles she couldn’t prevent from spreading like wildfire.

“What if you end up like him? What if I’m staring at the grave of my husband and wife back in district eleven?” She looked up, gaze faltering as she met those wonderful blue eyes. “Tell me you won’t hate me if I can’t protect you.”

elegant

[charade]

k a t e l y n .

"I pretend, I pretend
I pretend 'til I bend and bend
'Til I’m broken
Are you broken?"

Opal was silent, eyes flicking from the ring and to her face and back again. Fingers reaching towards the ring before stopping short. Katelyn swallowed nervously. She’d kind of anticipated that Opal would be a bit more enthusiastic. Foolish, she told herself. I’ve gone about this all wrong.

She should have taken her have taken her out to eat, done this lavishly and surrounded by people. Or—or back home among friends that had become family. She’d bene meaning to ask this question for a year and she just couldn’t wait for the right moment anymore. There would never be a right moment.

Sometimes you just had to do.

Then the tears started and Katelyn’s heart felt like it was in danger of breaking in half. Why had she dropped this on Opal without warning? She hadn’t thought this through. This was what happened when she did things on a whim instead of carefully planning out every last detail. Opal fell to her knees, putting her hands on Katelyn’s shoulders. Katelyn stared at her questioningly, imploringly.

I want to be there for you—

But?

Katelyn bit her lip in worry.

I don’t have the best track record with marriages

I couldn’t keep him safe, I can’t even keep Ky safe.

I want to marry you

But?

Katelyn scrunched up her face, forcing herself not to cry. Was this a no? Had she read Opal wrong? She didn’t want to take their relationship further; she was fine with how it was. The bottom started to drop out of her soul.

But I won’t want to disappoint you or fail you

How could you ever disappoint me?

She couldn’t think like that. Not anymore. She’d wasted so much time focused on things that might happen or things that could happen that the present continued to slip away from her, becoming the past faster than she could experience it. She couldn’t do it anymore. There was a life she was missing out on more and more the longer she spent in her own head with the maybes and the what ifs.

This was a mistake, but it was one of her choosing. The Capitol had taken enough from her over the years. This time, this time she could and would fight for her happiness. Such a strange emotion, one she rarely let herself feel. 

“What if you end up like him? What if I’m staring at the grave of my husband and wife back in district eleven?” She could never replace Potato and she didn’t want to either. How could she ever hate Opal for not being able to protect her? Katelyn’s gaze dropped to Opal’s maimed hand, the one that was supposed to wear a ring but no longer could.

“Well,” she began, her eyes watering. “Do you hate me for not being able to protect you? Because I tried to—” Her voice broke a little and she cleared her throat, wiping the tears away furiously as she damned the Capitol to hell. Her fingertips found Opal’s jaw, turning her face slowly. Their lips almost brushing.

“I don’t need protection, Opal,” she whispered. “I just—I just need you.”

Please, say yes.

elegant

[cass]

o p a l .

"Yeah, I've met your demons, but they do not scare me
I know they'll be angels once they learn to fly
I've seen all your seasons, your cold February
I know you'll be blooming in a matter of time"

She shouldn’t of had that drink, finished that bottle off. Maybe it was the alcohol making it harder to piece together the parts of her chest that ached. She couldn’t be sure, but she’d always been a little broken, pieces falling out when she least expected it. It came with the territory of having the deaths of other children on your hands, of worrying that the son you raised would be stolen from you. It came from the little parts of herself that wondered if Ky ever thought about being someone else’s child, where he was safe, free from the chaotic dysfunction of her own life.

What Potato have liked the person she became? Would the two of them have been happy together, battling through their own nightmare’s as they stared at blood-soaked hands? She was so trapped in her own nightmares, clawing her way towards the surface only to find that it had been blocked off. Sometimes it hurt, staring at Katelyn, trapped behind a light so bright that she felt almost ashamed. Katelyn was what Panem needed, a ray of hope, of power and grace that could make people want to be better. Opal was good at pretending, capable of building connections with her own tributes if she wanted to or throwing them to hell if she didn’t like them.

Was that a good person? Delroy didn’t think she was, but then he was a boy so stuck in his own ways that he couldn’t see beyond his assumptions. The world wasn’t black or white, flickers of grey marred its surfaces, painting her skin until it was mottled with sins.

It was too much to think about, the thoughts heavy on her mind as Katelyn reached forwards, fingers grasping her chin and forcing their eyes to meet. She didn’t like the words that fell between them, tears forming in Katelyn’s eyes as she spoke. It was a hard truth that she needed to hear, an alleviation of the fears that contorted her soul. No one had protected her, but that was because she didn’t need protecting. She made her choices; she had pushed the blade down that sliced off her finger.

“I could never hate you, and I made those choices. There’s nothing you could have done-“

Would Potato say the same thing? Had there been a flicker of resentment or anger directed towards her as the life had left his body? She’d never be able to ask him, but she knew that there was nothing she could have done. She couldn’t have saved him; she couldn’t have stopped him from being thrown into that arena. Could she have protected his heart a little more? She didn’t know.

Opal sobbed, hands covering her face as she tried to gather her courage. Some part of her felt complete, the worry that had dragged her to deaths door lessening as she heard the words Katelyn spoke. They had sunk into the insecurities and doubts, pulling at the chains that were bound so tightly around her heart. She didn’t know if she could stop blaming herself if anything ever did happen to Katelyn. But there was comfort in knowing that she would never have to question her choices.

There was relief, aching relief to hear the words she had always wanted to hear from Potato. To be absolved of the guilt that would destroy her.

“I need you too,” she croaked, reaching forwards and pulling Katelyn into a tight embrace. “Yes, I will marry you.”

elegant