raincheck in on me [ enzo

[Deleted]

l o r e n z o

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I hate to admit it, but I ain't been feeling good recently. She's dead and I ain't, and he ain't and it's not his fault or mine or Piper's, but it feels like it should be. Mace's been tellin me not to hate him, Saffron called early and told me to be on my good side. Remember the 80th? All those interviews, talking the way they needed me to, it's all like that again and I just can't do it.

Two week's ain't enough time to forgive him. It took me five years to even say his name out lout and I can't do that anymore; he killed my sister and took that with him. It ain't been enough to sleep or eat, I was proud of myself for changing shirts the other night and then I just slept without it. Easier that way, I can just stay in bed and not worry about anything. The phone rings and rings, and rings, and I don't hear a thing. It's all just noise, one more person beggin' for a second of my time and I don't want em anymore. 

There ain't enough time.

Period. She's dead and I should be too, I'm realizing it all over again. It ain't fair! I've been tryin' so hard not to be caught angry, do as I can and just live it out for their sakes, but I can't do it anymore. I've lived two lives at nineteen and feel like I've seen more than my own share of this, I've tried being complacent, I tried recovering, and here I still am. Like I'm fourteen again, except I ain't even got the hopeful delusion to think it gets better this time. His face is already plastered on everything and he ain't a victor, he's not my dad, he's not Saffron or Beck, he's just some dumbass from two who got lucky twice.

He fucked me over my first life, ruined my second, and there ain't no thirds around here. Kingdom of bedroom sheets that I can't fucking escape -- I hate my mind! I laugh every time I say it, cringe every time that self loathe pops up, I spent five years of my life gearing up to be in his shoes and instead I'm even weaker than before. Funny how things go; congratulations on your crown. Saff told me they wanted me to make a statement; not they as in her, but they as in them. And what if I don't, yeah? What if I just stay here forever? 

Right here, in my cottage nightmare. I ain't talked to Rogue since it happened, ain't seen Jimmy in a month. My parents are comin' home any day now and then it's the victory tour, where I get to see our killer instead of my sister. 

Fuck my life, dude. 

I really should respond some calls. 

Quinn has been checking in on me and it makes me feel worse. She's twelve and I'm already cashing in my retirement on her; they grow up so fast, y'know. Anytime I get weird, she gets weird, like she ain't ever seen someone in mourning, it's our whole family, girl! Your ma and pa, and your brother too, I'm sure Kieran's lost some people but he probably went out and made a speech the next goddamn day. I just can't keep up, I've been running this marathon for the last six years and it just ain't possible for me anymore. 

I just need to lay down a little longer. 

Funniest thing is, I haven't even watched it yet. Maybe it's just that delusion in me, like if I don't see her brain splatter on the ice I won't have to believe it. Piper's out there somewhere and I'll see her again, in the vault maybe. They've just got her down with Luke and the boy from ten, y'know? Somewhere there's eighty five more unsealed vaults and we are just the ones they chose to let go. The lucky ones -- now that's funny. That's a damn good one, I grip my pillow and my legs caught in my quilt and comforter. 

The sheets are all twisted, messed up and caught on dirty clothes I haven't been able to move yet. A little preoccupied, y'know, with the whole not thinking thing. You might be thinkin' I'm doin' a bad job at not thinking, but baby, I'm ace! I'm flying colors, I'm a whole red flag on a ticking time bomb and they can't drag me outta this bed if they even try. Everybody wants to hear from me, from my family to my friends, to Beck, to the capitol, and I'm sick of it. 

I don't even want to hear from me! I wish this guy would just shut up already! 

Anyways, if you don't hear from me by next reaping, just assume I'm back in vault 80, it feels like I ain't left that place after all. Kieran gets a high school class reunion and I get to meet back up with them. Quest got her doctorate, Fiona got her ring and here I am, got nothin' going with me. 

Fuck, I don't want to see them again. 

Wander'll understand. Probably.