crawl in your head through your ear. ryan blitz.

[✨ zozo.]

 

You know I still have nightmares? Coralie jumping from the window against a backdrop of lightning. Corpses rotting in bathtubs full of blood. Whitney calling out to me as I crawl through an endless tunnel, never quite reaching her in time. Fiora and Indigo and Amrin in the kitchen, filled with smoke and flame.

Some of it happened, some of it my subconscious creates, all of it feels like a dream.

She's gone forever, Coralie. But it doesn't stop me from waking up screaming. I used to be able to look at a dead body without flinching but the mere thought makes me think of Whitney, her cold, lifeless, limp hands in mine, her face cradled in my palms, sobbing as a beaten and bruised Indigo struggles to explain what happened.

Whitney, she breaks my heart over and over again. I miss her so violently it makes me shake, shakes me awake, I scream and my Mom feeds me tea as I sit in a pool of my own sweat at three a.m. They don't know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with me. I barely leave my house but I hate locked doors, I can't stand the dark but lights taunt me, the smell of earth makes me think terrible things yet I still lie down in the garden just to torture myself.

Survivor's guilt, they call it. Say the Victor's get it all the time. What do they know about surviving. They killed people to stay alive. I couldn't stop the killing, yet here I am. I escaped the slaughter, no blood on my hands but that of the dead I found in that house. The only place I like is the local library, finding comfort distracting myself with other worlds and information. It fills up my head, transports me somewhere else - only temporary, but it's enough. I get why Amrin spent so much time there.

I wish I spent more time with Amrin.

[pearl mcclain d4 [ryan]]

I feel like it has been an eternity since ive been able to set foot in a library.

It wasnt like there was much in here anyway. To be quite honest, I still have no clue how this place still stands. Amrin always told me that it was because of dirty money, or something crime related, but I never believed her. No matter how smart she was, I would never think that something shady would provide something beneficial to the community.

I sigh for a moment, realizing that Amrin isnt here anymore, and that chastising her like that isnt fair to the dead. I still wish I knew who did it. Who killed her, but my family decided that it was best to just let it go. I hate that decision, but I know better than to fight with others who are grieving. I want justice, and they want peace.

So I go to the library from time to time to try to keep my mind busy. Float through the aisles and find books on the most random things. I notice each time I come, new books are on the shelves that I have never seen before, and I wonder if its because of the place Amrin went too.

I try not to think about it too much as I see a girl who looks like she is on the line of peace and madness, and the hero in me wants to know why.

I know I dont have much tact.

I walk up to her, but I have a feeling like she is going to look away instantly. "You look like youve seen the world come crashing down." I say, arms at my sides to infer that I am willing to have a conversation. "I have too..." I admit, trying to find our anchor point.

[✨ zozo.]

 

She speaks as if she knows me. Not of me, but me. My soul. Everyone knows about me, the girl who went to the house on the hill and came out with a cat and several ghosts. They can print your name and whisper about you when you turn nineteen, no longer a child. No longer reapable. No longer up for the slaughter.

Except you are. Slaughtered, every day, by people's opinions about you.

Most kids breathe a sigh of relief when they turn nineteen. No more anxieties. They can live their lives free of worry, until they have kids of their own. Not me. I came out alive and spend the rest of the time wishing I was dead, wishing I could of traded places with Whitney, wishing I hadn't let go of her hand in the bathroom.

She let go of mine, but-
I could of grabbed it back.

This girl looks at me like she knows me, Violet, not the girl from the house with the dead kids. I wish I knew her, embarrassment creeping up from my sweaty palms to my cheeks - wishing I could bury more than just my head in a book.

"Sorry," sheepish Violet - she's still in there. Hidden, deep beneath the trauma, but still there. "I don't think I know your name."

I want to, though. I think.

[pearl mcclain d4 [ryan]]

She looks at me like I am a ghost of sorts, and I wonder if it is because she is seeing one right now. There is no mistake in her countenance for me. I can tell that she is plagued by something.

It takes me a moment to unfurl my eyebrows in curiosity and realize that maybe I am being just a little too intense. That if I continue on this road, I could scare off yet another person. Amrin always told me that I had a hot streak of people running out of my life. She always meant it as a joke, but sometimes I could see the pattern myself. She was always so analytic. She could see something from miles away, but I never listened to her.

I should have.

I knew a little about what had happened in that house, and that at the end of the day, there were only three survivors. I didnt know where any of them went off too after, besides therapy if I am bold to assume. I still couldnt imagine what they went through, but I wish I could sink my teeth into the one that killed my cousin.

I sigh. "I apologize, how rude of my. My cousin always told me to have manners." I speak with a kind tone, realizing that I need to be just a little more kind. "Azure." I smile at her for a moment, "I means blue in another language, from what my cousin told me."

That one hurt coming out of my mouth.

"And you?" I offer gentle eyes as I hold out a metaphorical hand.

I hope she grabs on tight.

[✨ zozo.]

 

Everything reminds me of Whitney, and I can't stand it.

How she looked at everyone with curios eyes, a willingness to learn about our craft. A genuine interest in what we had to offer, in what Mr. Nox saw in us, about what made us tick. What made us special. And it wasn't out of cunning, or spite, or to use it for our undoing. She was just genuine, and good, she wanted to get to know us - she didn't deserve to die for that.

She didn't deserve to die at all.

I like this girl, she looks for knowledge and spreads it to strangers. "Violet," I reply. "Like the colour, too." We share a commonality, even if I know my parents named me for the flower. I've been searching for something, anything to connect with in another person for so long that I'll take what I can get.

"You sound close with your cousin," I add, marking the page in my book and shutting it softly. "I wish I had a bigger family. Having cousins must be nice - do they have a colour name, too?"

[pearl mcclain d4 [ryan]]

I have this feeling of dread pressing down on me. Maybe I am thinking about this too much, or maybe I am not. I dont know how to act normal, even when I am in normal situations. I at least can admit that to myself.

I look at her and she is still unsure of me, or maybe she is thinking about way too much for me to judge her in this moment. Amrin always said I was good at judging a book before even opening the cover, and if I am being honest, I didnt care.

To me it was fun being able to piece things together, but there was a ton of mysteries to unpack in this district, and I would find a way to solve them.

"Violet, a pretty name indeed." I smile at her, watching her look up at me finally from her book. I have gained her trust in some sort of way. "Or the flower." I give her a small smile, adding in that small bit of knowledge.

"I was." I bite my lip for a moment before deciding this was not the time and place to have an episode. Amrin would literally slap me across the face from the other side if she could. "Have cousins is nice, but they can also get on your nerves quickly." I laugh for a moment before composing myself. "Yes. All of our names have to do with the color blue. Its a family tradition I suppose."

One that I dont think will ever disappear.

[✨ zozo.]

 

My fingertips curl around the edges of my book, but I don't feel the need to cling to it like I do when I'm around strangers.

"Hey, that's cool!" I respond, and I can hear the old Violet in my voice when I speak to her. Azure's got kind eyes, a little sad. I think I find them familiar, like I'm looking at myself from before, and myself from after. There's something about her that feels safe, as if we share the same sort of pain. I want to ask her what her story is but we're only on a first name basis, discovering similarities like flipping pages of a book.

I gesture for Azure to sit down and join me. "I actually was named for the flower. My parents are botanists - which is weird for Five, right?"

I'm talking to myself again, in the same sing-song way I used to. My voice is just hollow, quieter, like the life's been taken from me. Funny that, I think, and cough through the lump in my throat.

"Anyway, that's silly. What other names mean Blue?"

I wonder how many other names mean Violet.

[pearl mcclain d4 [ryan]]

She has started to come to life a little bit, and I wonder if this has all just been a ruse. No. It couldnt have been. When I walked into this library, Violet before me seemed to be trembling. Lost. But maybe I found a way to break that shell, that outer coating that just grew too thick over the months.

Its weird, trying to find some way to relate to a stranger, and I dont even know what made me do it in the first place besides curiosity. Shes a fickle beast that I hate to tangle with. Shes here though, and she isnt going anywhere. Because she lives inside me.

I sit next to her, seeing as this is already going off with out a hitch. I told myself I would not make this about me if I didnt need to, but this was going strangely well. Which only meant that something was bound to add up.

"Botanists are odd for District Five, but I guess we do have the right climate for it. Ive never been inside a green house before." I am genuine in my words, my voice sort of yoyo-ing through the library. I didnt see many people in here, mostly because people needed to make money Azure. Dont be stupid.

"Well, there are tons. Shades of blue, Aurora, Royal, Colt..." I say, my head leaning on my arm as I go down the list. "Some say old and dead languages had different names for colors, like bleu, biru, aoi..." I am a wealth of knowledge. "Amrin." I trail off for a moment.

Just like Amrin.

[✨ zozo.]

 

"Never?" I ask, a dumb question - as if everyone in this district grew up with a greenhouse in their back garden. "I'll show you ours sometime if you're ever interested!"

Pep in my voice, to be honest I haven't cared for the greenhouse since I got back. Nothing seemed worth it, growing new life just to remind me of the dead. Thinking about the little vegetable patch I planted at the back of the Nox mansion. Thinking about Whitney, the only one who helped me tend to it. Thinking about -

Too much, it's all too much. I'm just being polite. Maybe she'll be polite too and decline, then we're both in the clear. Or maybe she'll help me find joy in it again, sowing seeds in dried up earth. I trust in the idea of Azure, blue name for a blue girl like me.

But then she says another name and it clicks, safety off, gunfire in my head. "A-Amrin?" I repeat, a whisper, a quiet shriek. My hands start to shake, my heartbeat rising. Amrin, in the bathroom. Amrin, in the dark. Amrin, skull hitting the basin. Whitney's hand tugging out of mine and all I can do is run-

Coward, I turn inwards. Defensive.

"Is this a- a joke?"

[pearl mcclain d4 [ryan]]

This is going somewhat well if I do say so myself. She seems genuine, and maybe that was because she just needed someone to pull her out of herself.

"I definitely wouldnt mind that." I say honestly as give her a small smile and think about what Amrin would have done. She would have accepted and probably brought a book with her so she could record some things. She had always valued knowledge over everything else.

I envied her for that.

Even as I went through the colors, I felt weird saying Amrins name, but then I watched Violet in front of me change before my eyes. She had become reserved and demure in less then five seconds, and I for one couldnt believe it. Had I set her off in the word way. "Yeah, its some language called Arabic? Far dead from what I know." I said scratching my head for a moment.

"You okay Violet?" I say to her with concerned eyes. There was something here, something that I probably could have unpacked, but this was not the time and the place. "Im not joking about anything, you just asked me for different names that mean blue." I cross my arms. "Sumerie is another name another name for violet for example." I think I know what this is about, but this is not the time or the place.

[✨ zozo.]

 

"Oh," and now I'm stumbling over sobs, purple girl flushed red with embarrassment. "Sorry, sorry," I'm a fuck up, I'm the old Violet, I shouldn't be allowed to live. I didn't deserve to come out of that house alive, still breathing, I don't deserve to keep breathing.

I stop, halt my inhale - spluttering and drying my tears before they fall. "I just, I just knew someone called..."

Exhale, it doesn't matter. She's dead. She's dead and I'm alive. That's got to count for something. To die here, panicking until I can't breathe - that's not a way to avenge them. Well, maybe Amrin would find dying in a library nice. Too much, I'm thinking too much, gotta try talking instead.

"Tell me another," and Azure does - maybe she's used to seeing girls lose it in the library. She doesn't seem fased. 

"Sumerie," I like it. "Pretty. My parents almost called me Lavender - I think I like Violet better."

[pearl mcclain d4 [ryan]]

I can add two and two together. I was always told that I was specifically good with numbers. Amrin was good with words and what they mean. That was our difference after all.

"No need to apologize. This is a safe space." I believe in those words, just like Amrin would. Sure, the library is boring, but it is a gateway to take you somewhere else, and I had a feeling that most of the district would rather be anywhere but here.

I could not speak for them all though. She continues on, saying that she knew someone, and I know exactly what she is going to say. I want to tell her that I did too, but that is not important right now, someone passing out in this library is not important right now.

Trauma works in different ways. This isnt the right place, and it isnt my right to interrogate. "Lila is another, a pretty name." I say with a small smile. "Corcra, Lilac, Plum, even Heather or Periwinkle." They all roll off my tongue as I am trying to take her away from whatever horrible thoughts had come to her mind before.

They just werent important.

[/quote]

[✨ zozo.]

 

I should've tried concentrating on lists months ago. Counting sheep never worked, books did, and I feel a great weight lifting off of my shoulders as we continue to list colours for names.

I want to say thank you, but I'm not sure how, heart rate slowing to a normal beat. "I always liked Saffron," a sheepish smile. "Hazel. Indigo-"

My friend, a little intake of breath. He's alive. He's alive. I visited him three weeks four days ago, just to make sure of it. "Ginger and - does that one count? It's more of a spice, huh? Or a hair colour. My cat's ginger, uh, Ruby, and Honey!" and I'm smiling now, the sound of my voice clear and almost happy - finding joy in my lists, things and colours, colours and things.

"This is nice," I say quietly, mindful we're in a library, wringing my hands together. They're balmy, but I've stopped shaking - a mere miracle. "Thanks, uh, this helps a lot."