old age should burn and rave at close of day [teddy/mack]

[Kingston Cesaire D3A [Tom]]

Grief is an eruption.

Hot and burning in the crevice of one's heart, bubbling and angry smoking with the feeling of loss. Denial is the first stage, built upon the molten rock beneath where the earth churns and churns at the loss of magma from it's core. Denial is the first thing he felt back then when he survived. Denial that his friends, his saviors, his past was gone. Swearing upon that ship sailing in the ocean of blackened water where he swore to remember them, swore to be them, swore to fight for them. He denied their deaths then, built up the narrative in his own mind that he was doing the good thing, the right thing, and he lost himself in it. Built upon those childhood fantasies of wanting to be a hero, a pirate, a knight, whatever his creative mind could come up with. Teddy had denied their deaths, built himself a crown of thorns and drank like there was no tomorrow.

Anger was next. Burning like a fuse, churning lava in the pits of a rocky mountain side, until the pressure builds and builds. Everything flying with a red heat and molten rocks. Smoky peaks and broken dreams, there's a certain anger that grief brings. It's sorrowful and unforgiving. An anger bubbling at the tips of his lips and fingertips. Broken wine bottles thrown, just like the rocks on the peak of the arena. Crashing and crumbling with the pain of what he carries. The molten lava dripping ever so slowly down the top of the peak. Teddy had burnt away his heart afterwards. Built himself up into victor of the year and didn't dare do anything in public. Instead, he would come home and drink a bottle of wine, shatter the bottle and stare at the glass fragments as they sit there waiting to be cleaned. Anger never lasted long, but neither did the heat. There's still a hidden fear beneath his heart, worry of becoming that man once more. The man who threw wine bottles and smiled through his pain, pretended to be the man his real parents actually wanted him to be. All of it burned like the peak, molten hot and filled with a fiery regret that never quite settles away.

Grief was an eruption, one that he bargained with ages ago. Bargaining to get one of them home, one of the tributes from his home, thinking it'll make up for everything he's done. The slow crawl of heat bubbling from the top and pushing farther down into the landscape. Painful to watch, but even worse to be trapped underneath. He begged and begged for one of them to get home. Ansel, Serena, Aeson, Vesper, Faline, Ezekiel. Names he lost, faces he can still remember like the molten rock that had chased him down a mountain. Teddy Ursa had bargained with capitolites, begged for karma to not be his ruin, and all of it had failed him. Even when Quest and Parson came back, it didn't feel like a victory. Funny how karma likes to spit in his face, make his eyes go bloodshot and whisper that he's never been good enough. He changed that day when Parson walked back up to Six's quarters. Tears and sorrow that hadn't quite gone away bubbling up in his regrets.

Depression comes in the worst ways. The feeling of watching what has already been destroyed staring in his face. Regrets bubbling so deep into his chest where he feels like he's walking on the black sand beaches once more, staring at the sunrise where he left Emberly to go fight Lux or Wendell's laugh as he cuts through the bone of his leg or Ree's plea to burn everything away. Days during which he had everything, but felt like he deserved none of it. Smiling down at Ring, who mewls at his food, knowing that he shouldn't smile and enjoy it. Days where he's spent getting high with Mackenzie or laughing with Stella sitting next to a shared bottle of wine. The heat fades, burns away and leaves behind something new, but weak. A part of the earth that's brittle, but beautiful. A rock that creates and destroys and when the depression sets in, Teddy can feel himself trying to claw his way back up. Back to the top of the earth to breathe it all in.

Grief is an eruption; blinding and powerful, but necessary.

Standing on the edge of the landed hovercraft, the one that carried him across an ocean once upon a time ages ago and had done it once more for the final piece of this story. His own eyes taking in what was left of the island, breathing in the humid air and remembering the way he had stood tall and asked Star to get him a day to the island. The fear of seeing it all again and knowing what comes with stepping onto the black sand beaches. Stepping into the pits of his own grief, the fear of his own heart, and the ghosts of what remains. Teddy Ursa had not come alone. Despite the rumors and the awkwardness of knowing Jacinta didn't like him, he asked Mackenzie to come with him here. Stella had Ex Oh and Teddy didn't want to intrude.

His gaze follows Mackenzie for a moment. The silence of their arrival had made Teddy was to rip his hair out, beg to run, try to hide, but Teddy Ursa knew he needed to do this. Ten years. Ten years was a long time. He was no longer that scared kid who didn't know what strength was. The kid who fought tooth and nail with Ree Fer, Emberly Lowe, and Lux Pelotte. A silence is there, but he stands, hands gripping his sleeves as he looks to Mackenzie, trying his best to smile through it. Ghosts haunting his every moment, but this was apart of it all. The eruption. The burning. The slow destruction. The start of something new.

"I-I'm glad you're here, Mack."

Teddy's hidden his truth too many times to count, but he's genuinely happy Mack came with him. Despite the awkwardness of the past year, there's a lot of comfort in going to a place where trauma still resides. Comfort in a familiar face that isn't quite filled with nightmares or unforgiving hauntings. Mackenzie wasn't Chester, but he was a friend. Teddy Ursa's best friend in the capitol, even if they had some rockiness the past year, but Mackenzie was going to be a father to Jacinta's kid. Teddy couldn't be prouder of his friend. The smile on his lips falls as he hears the hovercraft doors opening. The humid air rising through as the smell of ocean and lava fill his nostrils. The island was alive and vibrant.

"I don't know if I c-can do this."

The sun starts to peer through as the sound of the jungle begins to reach his ears. Fingers gripping the side of his sleeves before he stares out onto the island where the blackened sands wait. A grave of ghosts pulling at the corners of his vision as he can remember the exact spot that Rhetoric lost her head or Teddy had given Raquel advice on removing bullet wounds. Glancing back to Mackenzie, he gives a deep breath before letting go of his sleeves, pulling himself down from the platform to the sand. Feet sinking into the black sand and feeling like the world is spinning for just a moment.

Acceptance is the final part. It's the part he's been looking for. Ten years after the seventy sixth and he's still looking for that peace. In the cold blackened glass of the cooled lava, he can see the memories of Titus Seraphim helping him down the volcano. The tears he cried in the dead of night where Chester held him close, deep breaths of memories and barely alive boys who fought for something bigger than themselves. He's made it back to the beach. He can see the ships where Lux and him had become captains fighting for a crown. He can see the jungle where koalas had played and Wendell had taken his leg. He can see the top of the volcano, now black with cold black stone, where Ree Fer had died asking him to burn the memories. An hour walk away, he can remember the waterfall where Emberly Lowe had finally taken her last breath.

Eyes lingering back to Mackenzie, Teddy can feel his heartbeat, but he's steady. The feeling of falling still in his chest, but he lets himself sink into the sand a little bit. Eyes taking in the place he had changed into someone else. A piece of the capitol that was prized to everyone who watched. The loudness of the island fills him with a fear, but he bites down that fear, stares into Mackenzie eyes and speaks steadily.

"We should go. I want to see them before it gets too late."

There was no time.

Teddy Ursa needed to see them.

The ghosts of the Seventy Sixth.