icarian ; paige & kieran

[eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris]

My therapist says that I have a tendency to self-destruct. Like she would tell all of her other patients, I'm sure, if anyone else in Ten could afford a session with her. But Kieran insisted, and as much as I would like to be one of those people who can magically put themselves back together again, I knew I needed the help. I just wish I could say that had been the worst part of it. Acknowledging the problem. Like pointing at a scar could be enough to make the skin close over.

"I'm not okay. I want to be."

I've always been stubborn, though. A little too prideful. Which is the funniest part of all this — because I know my faults, and dear God, so does everyone else in this district. Selfish, and impulsive, and so quick to check out when things go wrong. A bad mother, too. And that's the one stain I can't wash off. The drinking is one thing, the way my words are cruel sometimes, how I know I'll never completely deserve the marriage I have. It's the fact that when I held my firstborn, I found a reason to shatter.

That's what I can't come back from. What I'm trying to come back from, I should say. Exhale, fingers running through long strands of red hair. "Hold it together," because I have to now. There's no other option. As easy as it would be to crawl back into that bed, and close all the curtains, I'm trying to see past myself. Past Kieran, and our family, and putting all my focus on the future I need to give them. I stand up, and smooth out my dress, and I try not think about the fact that two of my children are only just learning who I am.

More than just a name. A shadow lurking in their father's room.

And the third, well. I'm sure that one day they will tell Eden that for them, their mother was a worthless failure, a coward, a ghost that let them down again and again. I choke back a small gasp, shake my hands and think of something good. It's in the little things, Dr. Bailey tells me. It's those small moments where you grab onto yourself that count, where you don't give yourself a chance to fall apart again. But I have so many years to catch up on, and within each of them is a very valid reason to hate myself.

"Kieran, are the kids ready?" I call down the stairs, taking my time in my heels as I descend to the foyer. As much as I'm trying to be more engaged, throwing myself into every school activity and club that piques their interest, I still can't deny that everything about being a parent just comes more easily to my husband. He's a father, and that can't be questioned. And even now that I'm playing my part, he still naturally takes on more weight than he should have to carry alone. He's their hero.

I'm grateful, and a little ashamed that I can't bring myself to do the same, but I remind myself that I'm here. I'm trying, and we're healing, and he tells me every night when all the stars are out and the house is quiet that he's proud of me. He stayed, through every single reason I gave him to leave, and now it's my turn to prove that he was right. That I'm still that girl he danced with by the campfire, and that this home he made for us is still sturdy enough to hold all of our dreams inside.

"Well, don't you look sharp," I say as soon as Eden comes into my line of sight. Then Elonna runs into view, and Emerson follows, and I pause for just a moment. It's a strange, scary thing — recognizing that there will always be an unbalance between my children. That the first two will always wonder why I missed out on so much of their lives, and why their brother had been enough to make me start being a mother again. For the first time. I swallow, and put on a warm smile. "Em, you remind me so much of your dad. It's crazy."

My daughter looks up at me, and as much as I want to tell her that I see myself in every inch of her, that's the last thing I want. The more like Kieran they are, the better they're gonna have it. And that's a toxic thing to think, I know, but I'll save it for the next session. "Honey, where has Dad ran off to?" I follow the rambled directions and pointed fingers straight to my husband, tousling Emerson's hair as I walk past him. "Ah, there's the man of the hour." Packing lunches in the kitchen, wearing his best suit, haloed by the sunlight.

He can do it all.

And when I walk up to him, and wrap my arms around his neck, I thank everything that brought us together. Even as our kids giggle, and make disgusted sounds, it just makes the moment more perfect. This is mine. This house, and this love, and this family that has always meant so much to me — even if there is proof otherwise, in the things I have done, I gaze up at him and remind myself that I have so much to be thankful for. That I have never taken it for granted. Because I can't let myself be negative. That will ruin my progress.

I focus on the light all around me, and the warmth, and I close the distance with a kiss.

With all my strength, and hope, I close the distance.

[umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars]]

He'd known even before he put his name on the ballot that this was not a job, but a career. Full-time. Long hours at the office, new faces and names to memorize every single day, more paperwork than any one human would ever be able to handle. Less time at home. More faith in Paige. He'd always wanted to believe her, and it wasn't really a matter of if he could put his trust back into her, but when. It was as certain as death and taxes: she would get better. But when the moment came and she took his hand and she made him that promise, he had been forced to wonder if it was true or not.

It had been a long journey since, but so far, things were running smoothly. The exchange program had been a roaring success- accessible to all twelve districts now- and he was proud to say that District Ten's average income was at a steady incline thanks to the new job opportunities. Fewer and fewer people went hungry by the day. Kids laughed again. And that had been the goal, even if it required such a steep sacrifice as Kieran not being there when Eden had taken his first steps, or missing half of Elonna's Father's Day lunch at school, or not ever getting around to putting the finishing touches on Emerson's treehouse.

He had been doing the impossible for so long- being in two places at once- that now, when forced to choose, the idea of letting either go was devastating. At his core, to everyone's surprise, Kieran Emberstatt turned out to be a father. Of all the things they thought he might be, that's what he'd become. Above all else. But they had to have money, and Paige was doing well at home. Kieran had gotten what he thought he always wanted- to be the face of District Ten. And you'd think someone raised in the spotlight would have been a bit more used to the prying eyes that came with it, but he found himself questioning his every decision. He second-guessed himself, a trait that had always plagued him in his ever-expanding quest of locating perfection within himself and then executing it for the world to see.

He yawned, slicing the last of the crusts from Elonna's sandwich- she would have treated it like dog food if he hadn't- and slid it into her lunchbox. A glance at the clock told him that they were practically late- barely on time as Paige's arms wrapped around him from behind. He smiled, spun around to deliver a chaste peck on her forehead.

"You look positively stunning," he said with a sly smile. His history revealed itself in various ways, but his accent had always been the biggest tell. No matter the amount of time he spent around people who said the word y'all, it was always his nature to say you guys instead. He'd always be the posh little smartass who had grown up elsewhere and had the privilege of moving in with his victor dad before anyone else- anyone normal would've been able to. He'd been surprised when the support for his election had been so strong, even over seasoned veterans. But he tried to convince himself that they simply knew him deeper than the skin now. That they knew his intentions, and trusted his abilities. And he hoped that it had nothing to do with his last name.

"We have to get the kids to school if we're ever going to make it on time."

He made a funny face at Eden before picking him up and setting him on the end of the counter.

"Shoes are on the wrong feet again, Bud," he said. His youngest smiled mischievously in a way that made him wonder if it was on purpose at this point, but Kieran wasn't going to comment on it. He'd lived through the shoe rebellion twice already. He was going to put off dealing with it a third time for as long as he possibly could.

"Do you guys wanna go see Grandpa after school today?"

"Yes!" Elonna said. Not because of Mace, necessarily, or even Saffron, but because of Quinn. Her recent shine to Kieran's younger sister was worrying, to say the least.

"Well, that's great because Mommy and I are going to be home late tonight. So you guys have to be on your best behavior, okay?"

Though he hoped it wouldn't be too late. Official business was never fun, no matter how well-decorated it was.